Spicy Dragon Milk

Context: So my party (CN Rogue, CG Sorc, and me the NG Bard) had just finished slaughtering almost the entire mafia (who our rogue was a part of) in a town while the rest had surrendered.  The current session we needed to introduce our new player (CN Paladin) who decided that he had simply gone out for coffee for everyone and came back to a room full of corpses.

Paladin: “Hey guys, I’m ba- OH MY GOD!”

Rogue: “Oh hey Paladin.  Welcome back, wanna join us?  What’s that you got there?”

Paladin: “Um, sure?  I’ve got coffee, sugar, milk- no, spicy milk.”

Me, Bard: “Spicy… milk?”

Paladin: “Yes.  Spicy dragon milk.”

Sorc: “Spicy dragon milk?  How would you even milk a dragon?”

Bard: “Care to elaborate?”

Paladin: “Nope.”

From then on, any mysterious substance is instantly spicy dragon milk.

Why Herbalists and Pheonix Sorcerers Don't Mix

Our party has found our way into a giant dead tree that was once the home to a very wealthy elf and is now infested with undead and fiends. Most of the party’s energy is spent on keeping the Pheonix Sorcerer (who is also our party’s herbalist) from burning the place down.

We find ourselves in a large indoor garden complete with magical fake sun and weeping treant gardener. Through circumstances the sorcerer has become invisible (partially my fault for rubbing him with a flower that turns people invisible) and found his way into a shack kept dark to grow mushrooms in. Four major mushroom colonies are in here, all of which the rest of the party has identified before, but the sorcerer want paying attention.

Through terrible rolls the sorcerer has falsely identified three of the mushrooms as deadly deadly poison, then he gets to the fourth… Which actually is deadly deadly poison.

Sorc: I attempt to identify the glowing white mushroom. *Rolls, gets a two*
DM: you’re pretty sure this mushroom is great on pizza.
Sorc: okay I have an idea! I pick one.
DM: with bare hands?
Sorc: what no! I’ve got gloves in my Herbalists kit. I put them on when I’m about to herbal.
DM: okay you pick a mushroom. It still glows
Sorc: okay I put some of the spores from the sleep flower on it… And then a petal from the invisible flower!
DM: well the mushroom still glows but is now invisible and has little spores on it.
Sorc: okay cool… I eat it.
Whole party stares
DM: roll a con save *sorc fails* okay you do to 0 HP, roll a death save
Sorc: aw shit
Fighter/bard: wait 0 HP?
DM: yeah he’s dying
Me: that… *Finally realizes* oh…
Fighter/bard: Pheonix Sorcerer…
Me: when he hits 0 HP…
Sorc: oh yeah, I use Pheonix spark
DM: *reads the rules* okay yeah… You’re not dead… *Points to rest of the party* you guys hear an explosion and see fire blow a hole in the roof of the mushroom shack
Sorc: *leaves the shack looking like a blown up cartoon character* do NOT go in there!

INTP Was Mistaken
  • INTP: I’m going take a bunch of our bloopers and compile them into a music video.
  • ENFP: Are you sure you want to do that?
  • INTP: Yeah! I’m so ready!
  • ENFJ: *narrator voice* INTP would, in fact, find she was not ready. INTP Was Mistaken. A feature film by Catching Stars Productions and Wallflower TV.
  • INTP: You acknowledged ENFP’s channel!
  • ENFP: :)
  • ENFJ: No. This is the not serious corner. INTP Was Mistaken 2.
  • ENFP: :(
  • INTP: Whatever. I’m ready to get to work!
  • ENFJ: INTP Was Mistaken 3. She fools herself again. The epic trilogy.
The party and the random arse newts/ shit the DM says

Context: Our party consisting of 2 seasoned players (Myself and my partner) one playing a Dwarven Druid (ME!), the other playing an Aasimar (half angel) Bard, and two fairly new players (my best friend and their fiance), a Dragonborn Sorc, and a Half Elf Rouge are all on the run from a terrifying organization that we were apart of but are now called traitors of, after a battle between four assassins sent to kill our butts in which I wild shaped in to a giant eagle and helped speed the of winning up, I fly back to the clearing I was scouting to see if the large group of men I saw were still there thinking they were possible allies, all that remains in this clearing/ dying grove are a rare breed of newts. The conversation that follows when the party catches up in hilarious.

Bard (ooc): I roll for investigation on the newts *rolls  a 5* 

DM: These are newts.

Sorc (ooc) I roll a nature on the newts *rolls a two*

DM: (amused by our antics) Still newts.

Druid (me) (ooc): I roll a nature! *Rolls a 14*

DM (telling me only): These newts are extremely rare, they don’t need to stay in water at all times to survive. 

Rouge (not paying attention) (ooc): I roll nature for the newts and how they got here. *rolls a 1*

DM: (to the Rouge) DUUHHHH NEWTS. 

The rest of us (in character): *Dies laughing*

Happy Cinco De Mayo
  • ISFJ: Happy Cinco De Mayo!
  • INTP: It's not even a real holiday. It's the date of a single battle the Mexicans won against the Spanish. The actual Mexican Independence day is September 16th.
  • ISFJ: Yup. It's just another holiday Americans created to drink.
  • INTP: I was told by my Spanish teacher that Americans celebrate Mexican independence on May 5th, because it's easier to say 'cinco de mayo' than it is to say 'diez y seis de septiembre', but I like yours better.