Well, obviously you know who wrote this since I am handing it to you, and I am doing this because I know if I were just to speak and not filter through my thoughts. I would hurt you with my words, because I want you to feel what I felt. My first instinct is to make you feel the pain I felt, but that is 17 year old Shawn coming through.
17 year old me never got to get my feelings out, and well we know I am emotional can’t stop it. I’ve talked about it with my dad assumes it come with being a hunter and how I was raised. It’s why most hutners are single, when you kill and kill just makes you cold, it’s why I can shut down and be a total dick. Think it’s why my dad is a quiet man doesn’t want to hurt my mom again. anyway, back to waht I was saying
I guess I need to put it out there and what I felt. Since I don’t want our daughter born into this mess between you and I. I want her in nothing but love.
So, I will write this from 17, year old Shawn perspective. Okay? Starting now…
I hate you.
How could you leave like that, let me believe I would see you tomorrow at school, let me believe I was going to get a life with you. You are fucking selfish, I hope it hurt. Because I can’t breathe at night, can’t feel my chest. It hurts to do anything. I just sit here in bed trying to figure out if I could have done anything. I read the letter over and over and over again. What if I stayed that night? What if I ignored you saying I should go home? I should have stay outside for an hour or so like I always did and come back in. Maybe you would be here. I wouldn’t hurt so much.
It’s shit you get to be happy, took the easy way out. I was going to give you everything, Alex. You know my family was going to Disney this summer. I was going to take you. You’re my princess. I don’t think I am ever doing this again it fucking hurts. I can’t love anything again. Thanks for fucking me up. I know you did this so I wouldn’t be fucked up by you. Well, you lied. Your plan failed you fucked me up. Permanently. I hope that hurts you. I’m mad I still love you. I want to hate you. I don’t I keep writing it to make it true. I can’t ruin our pictures I keep trying, luckily my tears ruin the chance for the fire to actually work on the pictures.
Fuck, I love you so much. I want the pain to stop. All of it. I just see you there dead now. It’s hard looking at any of these pictures of you smiling making a dumb face because I was taking a picture. I just want those in my head not this. Fuck you, Alex Puckett. Maybe I should end it be with you.
Please, pretend I didn’t say those rude things. I just don’t know how to process this. Maybe I will be okay one day. For now. I don’t know what id going to happen with me.
I love you.
Okay, was from 17 year old me. I am in love with you, Alex. I will be better now. Will put the passive aggressive side away, and just focus on the fact I have you now. I never thought I would get this at all with you. Sometimes it is hard to see and process this is real, sometimes I think I am tripping on acid, and giving myself this all. It’s just too perfect. I don’t even care we are doing this backwards. Got a dog, having a baby and then getting married. Obviously we aren’t normal. But know I never stopped loving you, even if I am the worlds biggest dick.
Forever in love with you, Puckett.