sometimes-i-cry-because-you-exist

I like rats.

I like the way they smell when you rub your nose in their fur & how they drag your fingers into their hammocks to sleep with them & how they give you kisses & how some rats are boring & some rats are friendly & some rats are playful & some rats are mean (these are my favorites). I like how they grab out for food with their little hands & how they sleep with their eyes open & how they clean your teeth & lick snot out of your nose if you’re crying & how sometimes they accidentally pull your finger in to devour because they were too silly to realize the food you were holding was half an inch over. I like how they immediately wake up if you say “RATS RATS RATS” & how they sleep in a pile & how they think they’re so big & bad & scary when they puff themselves up & how they don’t know bad things exist so they go to attack the cat or the puppy or the mini blinds.

basically I really like rats.

Pinescone Week: Day 4
Fear/Insecurites/Flaws

The reason why I chose those words for each is because Dipper is always getting himself caught in some kind of trouble whether he meant to or not so he needs someone that can be at this side in order to help him out. Wirt has dealt with self loathing for sometime and he needs someone to prove to himself that he is worth existing and can be loved. 

Look at what you made me do! They’re sad now, and crying. -3- My precious children, I’m going to have to draw so much fluff to make up for this.
Yup totally what I’m going to do now… take out pencil and begins to draw even sadder pictures.I’m a horrible person.

This is what giving up feels like;
Untouched food
And half hearted goodbyes
Your roommate says it’s like living with a ghost that leaves small trails of life but not enough to convince someone you actually exist
Tears that feel so empty sometimes you think it’s better if they stayed locked away
Crying alone because people don’t need you to poison their positivity with your constant pessimism
People look right through you, no more than a silhouette; a passing shadow that dogs don’t even stop to sniff at
And in the emptiness you find comfort and perhaps that’s why you stay
Because even hell can become a home if you live there long enough
—  I have no idea who I even am anymore
Source @always-truth-in-silence
Sometimes i wonder, Am I still important? Do you miss me? Do you even think of me first before someone else? Do you still remember all the things i’ve said to you? Because I don’t feel my existence to you anymore. Am I still even though i’m not the number one but one of your priorities? I’ve been missing your presence so long and that i can’t bear the feeling so i just lock myself in my room and cry for your absence. Sometimes I wonder, does it also makes you sad when i’m gone? I just want to disappear without you knowing and somehow ask you if you are going to look for me. Sometimes i wonder, are you going to miss me when i’m gone?
—  Am I still the one that your heart seeks?
15790) Sometimes this blog makes me cry because I hate the idea that there are so many other people out there with eating-disorders. It makes me sick to think about it. I feel so bad for every single one of you. I hate that this illness even exists.
9

I wish I could meet him and say all these things to him, but let’s be real, there is no way…

this kid is amazing and perfect
his voice can cure everything
his smile lights up my days
his happiness is my happiness

I don’t want to sound dumb, but sometimes I cry 2 hours straight, because I want to meet him

he was there, with 8 other people and tried to make his dream come true
- and he made it

how can it be that I know almost everything about him and he doesn’t even know I exist ?

you’re important to me, Shawn Mendes

About realness

I always ask myself before I post anything on the internet if it is something that I would want to see on my dash. That has saved you guys from many many stupid posts, you’re welcome. But part of the reason I have this blog is to share what my life is like- both as a med student and the whole universe of existence outside of med school- because that I something I’d have liked to have seen before I started this journey.

I always want to ask people who are further along than me questions like, How has this affected your relationships? Do you cry in the car on the way home sometimes? How do you keep smiling every day when you are so tired and the end isn’t in sight? What else is going on in your world? How is your family to you? Do they understand?

So, when I post things that aren’t funny or informative or cute, it’s because I’m trying to be real with you guys. I try to avoid venturing into whining territory, but sometimes things are just plan ‘ol crappy and I’m not trying to fool anyone into thinking that life as a new third year med student is all peaches. I’m not trying to get sympathy. I want to be sure to let everyone who is coming behind me know that there will be crappy times that may last for a little while or may last for a long while. 

But you know what?

It gets better. 

It honestly makes me wanna cry sometimes when I watch GMW because everyone only cares about Riley and if she’s happy what about Maya why don’t you care about her she’s not a underdog she deserves as much happiness as Riley why are you not caring about her if it wasn’t for her Rucas wouldn’t even exist pay freakin attention to her she deserves attention love happiness and a great life stop only caring about Riley just because she’s the main character doesn’t mean crap!

I read in a book once that
there is always something,
and then I looked at people
and I saw that it was true.

And I know that there are days
when you will not be able to remember this
when you will cry for no reason
and you will not understand why your skin suddenly does not seem to fit
as well as it used to,
days when maybe disappearing does not sound half as bad as you thought it would.
Days when you do not know why you even exist.

I know sometimes you will want to erase it all
completely and silently
to just vanish

but in those moments do not forget the other moments
where you want to exist
and to be

Remember that it is okay to cry.
But also remember that it is not okay to cry forever, that there comes a time for courage.

Because

You are potential.
Your soul is housed in a cage of bones rattling with potential and as long as you exist,
you are potential.

As long as you exist,
there is always something.

So exist. Live.

And if you need a reason, I’ll give you one: to love.
Whether it be other people, yourself, God.

That is all.

So

Write amazing stories and do amazing things and go amazing places and meet amazing people and for goodness’ sake stop complaining and stop apologizing for who you are and stop telling yourself that you are worth nothing because it. is. a. lie.

And you can do it. You can make good choices and be who you want to be. You can. You have the potential to,
so do not ever blame society for everything.
It is not a scapegoat,
only an influence.
You create yourself.

I’m telling you now so you never forget.

You are potential.
And as long as you exist,
there is always something.

—  I promise (jm)

My attraction to Lily Rabe is literally fucking me up because sometimes it’s like: “Aw, look at you, you beautiful, sweet, angelic being! You’re insanely talented and got such good vibes coming from you. I really wish I could meet you and talk about drama for hours. I’m simply happy with the fact you exist, just looking at you is great solace to my soul. I love you so very dearly. And also your face is flawless. ”


and then it’s like: “JESUS H CHRIST RABE WHAT THE HELL WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME???? STOP GIVING ME THAT LOOK THAT JUST SCREAMS I KNOW YOU WANNA DO ME BC YES I DO!!! WHO GAVE YOU THE MOTHERFUCKING DAMN RIGHT TO HAVE SUCH KILLER EYES AND MUSCULAR ENDLESS LEGS THAT COULD BASICALLY CRUSH MY SKULL?! PLEASE HIT ME IN THE FACE REPEATEDLY I CAN’T DARE LOOK AT YOU YOU’RE TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE I’M IN PAIN i hate you more than anything else but also ilysm it hurts for fuck’s sake *gross never-ending sobbing*”

vulnerability is so stinking hard for me sometimes. it is almost excruciating to peel back the layers and admit why that really makes me cry, why i just can’t talk about that, why fears exist. yet i’m realizing that sometimes, the lack of vulnerability hurts the people that you care the most about. they aren’t mind readers, they can’t know and i want so badly to be there with them. i want to be in that space of transparency and openness because my heart desires to be seen, but you don’t know what that really means until it stares you in the face. i’m not needy, but i realized that my fear of someone leaving is a fear that it will be my fault for not letting them really see me. 

“oh Lord, you have searched me and known me.” i think i take that for granted, too and i’m just realizing it. that relationship will suffer without vulnerability. even though He knows it all, He wants me to talk and search and go and be known. just because He knows my thoughts before i think them doesn’t give me a free pass to run away. facing fear and insecurity head on is the only place i find healing and rest. man, life. it is just a learning process that is full of growth and change. i want to be different. i want to be open and honest and vulnerable, knowing that i am new and fully known by a God that loves what He sees. 

We’ve cried. We’ve suffered. All that because of us. We did that to each other. It hurts me to know that I did that to you. But atleast we learned that humanity exists in us. We learned that from each other. It’s hard to let go of something that you love and something that has always been there. But I guess sometimes you don’t mean to people as much as they mean to you and that’s okay, because atleast I know how important you are to me, and will always be. I cry everyday, and night, when I remember all of it, all that we had. But it’s okay. I’m sorry for making you suffer, for making you cry. I didn’t mean to. I was jealous, I was hurt, I was broken. And I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I just- I love you. Know that.
—  Things I’ll never say in real life because it’s too much. I had rather die.

anonymous asked:

I think you'd be an awesome spokeswoman for bpd!! You're so open and honest and kind about your experiences that you could help so many people. In the area of psychological therapy, there's a woman named Marsha Linehan and she also has bpd and used her own experiences to develop this rad therapy that's helped so so so many people and I can totally see you being like that. I know the world can get you down sometimes but I think you're absolutely beautiful and I hope you can achieve your dreams <3

ohhhh what a sweet ask this was just what i needed to hear… you mean a lot to me anon, thank you for being such a sweetie!

i wanna look more into her, i love people with bpd educating people about bpd because neurotypicals talk about us like we’re 1) disgusting and 2) don’t exist…..

i want to talk about bpd…… a lot all the time……

aaaaa anyways thank you again i’m crying

Dear Harls,

if you’re reading this, I’m not really dead. SURPRISE!!! Gotcha. 

Nah, I’m just funnin’ with ya, kid. I’m dead. Deader than a doornail, kicked the proverbial bucket, shuffled off this mortal coil, blah blah blah. You’ve probably done a lot of crying and screaming and how-will-my-life-go-on-ing. Well, either that or you finally grew a backbone and killed me.

Well, Harls, I gotta tell you something: grow up. Put on your big girl panties (preferably ones with lace; if ghosts exist, I want to be able to enjoy the view). My harlequin is a lot of things: sometimes idiotic, naive, irritating… But she is not weak.

Do not let that change just because I’m a goner. Someone’s gotta run the kingdom, and I’d rather let you do it than anyone else. Yes, Pooh, that’s including Oswald. Yes, I want you to have it, not him; he already has one, and I… trust you, for lack of a better word, to run things the way I would want them done.

Speaking of Oswald: Jesus Christ, you need to get over that relationship. He never “replaced” you. I made you what you are, Harleykins; you can’t beat that type of bond. You’re still my special–and my only–girl.

Ew, that got… sentimental.

The point is, Harley, since I’m dead now and won’t have to put up with your clingy bullshit, is I… care about you. I want to fucking kill you a solid 70% of the time, but there’s a reason I haven’t done it yet. Not that you haven’t come close. ‘Sides, I think I’d miss having your stupid face around. So yeah. It’s been… nice having someone who cares about me. I still don’t like you, but it makes you tolerable.

So. Recap. Grow the fuck up. Run the kingdom well. Stop being a little bitch about Oz; you two would probably actually get along. And I hope you miss me. If there’s an afterlife, I might even miss you - but don’t hold your breath.

Thanks for the laughs, kid. It’s been a wild ride, and I’ll see you in the funny papers.

-your adoring Mr. J

This pretty much sums up last night.
I have so much love for this world and all it’s beings, that my emotions sometimes overwhelm me, and I end up curled in bed crying.
There is so much destruction and sadness in this world, but just as much beauty and goodness (if not more). Sometimes it really gets to me that we live in a society where happiness is uncomfortable for people. Most days I walk down the street with this radiating warmth in my tummy and I feel like spinning around because of all the light and love I feel.
And when I let the sadness overrun me, I wonder why so much pain and destruction exists.
Maybe this is just a reminder, it is blessing to feel deeply. You might get incredibly sad sometimes and wonder why all this inequality exists, but you also see the wonders of the world. And if that is not beautiful, I don’t know what is ✨
I will always choose feeling pain over feeling nothing

Made with Instagram

anonymous asked:

Do you have a power exchange dynamic with your caregiver? Like do you have rules, punishments, rewards, etc?

not exactly. my boyfriend isn’t much of a caregiver and says that me in little space makes him uncomfortable, so i just kinda cry and do little stuff by myself and sometimes when i do talk to him about it he just kinda exists with me until i fall asleep. so no, i don’t really have a power exchange because i don’t really have a caregiver dynamic. it’s sad but that’s the way it is for me right now :/

Lost in a mind sea

Here I stand
On the ocean of my mind
Drifting without a course.
Serving no porpouse.

Crying for a guy that will never be mine
Wanting boys that aren’t real
Leaving my heart to shatter with time
And making me not able to feel.

Lost in a bubble
Tortured by my own mind
Making me sometimes hate…
What I am with a lot of pride.

Even if the ones I’d love don’t exist…
Maybe I just haven’t experienced it.
But I really want to feel love at…

You know what, I quit…I can’t do rhymes…I’m no poet or writer….I’m just a dummy crying for dumb stuff because I’m stupid…..
No one will never love me,everyone in rl hates me…and whatever I’ll still pretend life is good while dying from direct stabs to my heart by the guy that I like that’s mega straight and…well there’s no one else in rl….guys like that doesn’t care about me or my feelings….I 😢😢😢😢😢 just want to be loved by a guy with kind heart and lovely emotions… (maybe with that fluffly hair I love,just maybe)