sometimes-i-cry-because-you-exist

8

Happy 20th/21st Birthday to Bangtan's dorky and hard-working leader RAPMON. ♡ Please never ever change and keep that dorkiness of yours. You are one of a kind and ARMYs love you for it. Thank you for making us laugh and cry sigh, for making us happy and angry because you are too much sometimes to handle and ARMYs are frustated because of you damn it I mean you are really killing us with your sexiness and everything CAN YOU STOP ALREADY.

To make it short: Thank you for existing, Kim Namjoon.  

I like rats.

I like the way they smell when you rub your nose in their fur & how they drag your fingers into their hammocks to sleep with them & how they give you kisses & how some rats are boring & some rats are friendly & some rats are playful & some rats are mean (these are my favorites). I like how they grab out for food with their little hands & how they sleep with their eyes open & how they clean your teeth & lick snot out of your nose if you’re crying & how sometimes they accidentally pull your finger in to devour because they were too silly to realize the food you were holding was half an inch over. I like how they immediately wake up if you say “RATS RATS RATS” & how they sleep in a pile & how they think they’re so big & bad & scary when they puff themselves up & how they don’t know bad things exist so they go to attack the cat or the puppy or the mini blinds.

basically I really like rats.

Pinescone Week: Day 4
Fear/Insecurites/Flaws

The reason why I chose those words for each is because Dipper is always getting himself caught in some kind of trouble whether he meant to or not so he needs someone that can be at this side in order to help him out. Wirt has dealt with self loathing for sometime and he needs someone to prove to himself that he is worth existing and can be loved. 

Look at what you made me do! They’re sad now, and crying. -3- My precious children, I’m going to have to draw so much fluff to make up for this.
Yup totally what I’m going to do now… take out pencil and begins to draw even sadder pictures.I’m a horrible person.

This is what giving up feels like;
Untouched food
And half hearted goodbyes
Your roommate says it’s like living with a ghost that leaves small trails of life but not enough to convince someone you actually exist
Tears that feel so empty sometimes you think it’s better if they stayed locked away
Crying alone because people don’t need you to poison their positivity with your constant pessimism
People look right through you, no more than a silhouette; a passing shadow that dogs don’t even stop to sniff at
And in the emptiness you find comfort and perhaps that’s why you stay
Because even hell can become a home if you live there long enough
—  I have no idea who I even am anymore
Source @always-truth-in-silence
Sometimes i wonder, Am I still important? Do you miss me? Do you even think of me first before someone else? Do you still remember all the things i’ve said to you? Because I don’t feel my existence to you anymore. Am I still even though i’m not the number one but one of your priorities? I’ve been missing your presence so long and that i can’t bear the feeling so i just lock myself in my room and cry for your absence. Sometimes I wonder, does it also makes you sad when i’m gone? I just want to disappear without you knowing and somehow ask you if you are going to look for me. Sometimes i wonder, are you going to miss me when i’m gone?
—  Am I still the one that your heart seeks?

When I first met you
I wasn’t sure if love even existed anymore
I had been hurt and betrayed
as though my heart had gone to war
But something in the way you looked at me
that afternoon on the beach
told me there was more you
that you had something you could teach 

From the moment I first kissed you
I wanted to every single hour
even if sometimes you wear that lipstick
the one that tastes too sour!
From the moment you told me about your goals
and your big life plan
I loved that it fit with mine
and I knew I could be your greatest fan
From the moment I met your family
and I knew they were just like mine
I found myself thinking, that maybe
we could have our own sometime
For every moment that we laugh
and for every moment that we cry
for every challenge and obstacle we face 
I know both of us will always try

Because now I know that love does exist
and mine exists with you
You taught me all I needed was a selfless person
someone to always remain faithfully true
And to this day, every time we go back to our spot
and sit in the sand
I think about how lucky I am, it was me you chose
that you took my hand
I will follow you through all your adventures
support you in your biggest dream
because you mean the world to me
and we are my favourite team

—  [ I am lucky to have you ] c.p
15790) Sometimes this blog makes me cry because I hate the idea that there are so many other people out there with eating-disorders. It makes me sick to think about it. I feel so bad for every single one of you. I hate that this illness even exists.
9

I wish I could meet him and say all these things to him, but let’s be real, there is no way…

this kid is amazing and perfect
his voice can cure everything
his smile lights up my days
his happiness is my happiness

I don’t want to sound dumb, but sometimes I cry 2 hours straight, because I want to meet him

he was there, with 8 other people and tried to make his dream come true
- and he made it

how can it be that I know almost everything about him and he doesn’t even know I exist ?

you’re important to me, Shawn Mendes

About realness

I always ask myself before I post anything on the internet if it is something that I would want to see on my dash. That has saved you guys from many many stupid posts, you’re welcome. But part of the reason I have this blog is to share what my life is like- both as a med student and the whole universe of existence outside of med school- because that I something I’d have liked to have seen before I started this journey.

I always want to ask people who are further along than me questions like, How has this affected your relationships? Do you cry in the car on the way home sometimes? How do you keep smiling every day when you are so tired and the end isn’t in sight? What else is going on in your world? How is your family to you? Do they understand?

So, when I post things that aren’t funny or informative or cute, it’s because I’m trying to be real with you guys. I try to avoid venturing into whining territory, but sometimes things are just plan ‘ol crappy and I’m not trying to fool anyone into thinking that life as a new third year med student is all peaches. I’m not trying to get sympathy. I want to be sure to let everyone who is coming behind me know that there will be crappy times that may last for a little while or may last for a long while. 

But you know what?

It gets better. 

I read in a book once that
there is always something,
and then I looked at people
and I saw that it was true.

And I know that there are days
when you will not be able to remember this
when you will cry for no reason
and you will not understand why your skin suddenly does not seem to fit
as well as it used to,
days when maybe disappearing does not sound half as bad as you thought it would.
Days when you do not know why you even exist.

I know sometimes you will want to erase it all
completely and silently
to just vanish

but in those moments do not forget the other moments
where you want to exist
and to be

Remember that it is okay to cry.
But also remember that it is not okay to cry forever, that there comes a time for courage.

Because

You are potential.
Your soul is housed in a cage of bones rattling with potential and as long as you exist,
you are potential.

As long as you exist,
there is always something.

So exist. Live.

And if you need a reason, I’ll give you one: to love.
Whether it be other people, yourself, God.

That is all.

So

Write amazing stories and do amazing things and go amazing places and meet amazing people and for goodness’ sake stop complaining and stop apologizing for who you are and stop telling yourself that you are worth nothing because it. is. a. lie.

And you can do it. You can make good choices and be who you want to be. You can. You have the potential to,
so do not ever blame society for everything.
It is not a scapegoat,
only an influence.
You create yourself.

I’m telling you now so you never forget.

You are potential.
And as long as you exist,
there is always something.

—  I promise (jm)

My attraction to Lily Rabe is literally fucking me up because sometimes it’s like: “Aw, look at you, you beautiful, sweet, angelic being! You’re insanely talented and got such good vibes coming from you. I really wish I could meet you and talk about drama for hours. I’m simply happy with the fact you exist, just looking at you is great solace to my soul. I love you so very dearly. And also your face is flawless. ”


and then it’s like: “JESUS H CHRIST RABE WHAT THE HELL WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME???? STOP GIVING ME THAT LOOK THAT JUST SCREAMS I KNOW YOU WANNA DO ME BC YES I DO!!! WHO GAVE YOU THE MOTHERFUCKING DAMN RIGHT TO HAVE SUCH KILLER EYES AND MUSCULAR ENDLESS LEGS THAT COULD BASICALLY CRUSH MY SKULL?! PLEASE HIT ME IN THE FACE REPEATEDLY I CAN’T DARE LOOK AT YOU YOU’RE TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE I’M IN PAIN i hate you more than anything else but also ilysm it hurts for fuck’s sake *gross never-ending sobbing*”

vulnerability is so stinking hard for me sometimes. it is almost excruciating to peel back the layers and admit why that really makes me cry, why i just can’t talk about that, why fears exist. yet i’m realizing that sometimes, the lack of vulnerability hurts the people that you care the most about. they aren’t mind readers, they can’t know and i want so badly to be there with them. i want to be in that space of transparency and openness because my heart desires to be seen, but you don’t know what that really means until it stares you in the face. i’m not needy, but i realized that my fear of someone leaving is a fear that it will be my fault for not letting them really see me. 

“oh Lord, you have searched me and known me.” i think i take that for granted, too and i’m just realizing it. that relationship will suffer without vulnerability. even though He knows it all, He wants me to talk and search and go and be known. just because He knows my thoughts before i think them doesn’t give me a free pass to run away. facing fear and insecurity head on is the only place i find healing and rest. man, life. it is just a learning process that is full of growth and change. i want to be different. i want to be open and honest and vulnerable, knowing that i am new and fully known by a God that loves what He sees. 

anonymous asked:

Do u have 'weird' facts about Scott ??

his foot fetish is pretty weird to me he and quentin tortellini can hang out buT LIKE I CAN EVEN SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE I’M THE ONE OBSESSED WITH PEOPLE’S HANDS bye

but anyway later in life he developed an interest in the occult! he knew a psychic and he’d get his palms read and he’s literally be like, “can you tell me when i’m gonna die” (because he felt it was near, and i mean, he wasn’t wrong)

this isn’t weird but precious??? he’d sometimes cry when he read ode to a nightingale. it was his favorite poem. here’s a recording of him reading a portion of it. do not ask me how many times i’ve listened to it because it’s an embarrassingly, staggeringly high number.

he was prescribed barbiturates, you know, one of the deadliest drugs in existence. wild times back then.

in his Youth™ he once recited voltaire on a window ledge and then basically said afterwards, “i’m gonna jump out and kill myself see ya” but he never did jump

the son of a gun loved football so much. i bet if he was around today he’d so fantasy football and have statistics to back it up and he’d be the really annoying drunk guy at a tailgating party

when he decided to quit drinking he thought 30 beers a day was okay because it “wasn’t really alcohol”

Journal 0926118

I have spent far too long in the showers
Crying over all of this because my life is just
Trauma interloping with random chance
Like a war and I am the land they’re contesting.


I have learned, that eventually the mind breaks
Sometimes, I don’t know who I am anymore.
I remember when I was a person,
This one stronger than the last
Until you appropriated my illness. 
So I emotionally toiled for too long
Until I silenced all of who I was.
(Just long enough for the quiet to set in.
Just long enough to run away from you.)


You made me feel guilty for existing
Ashamed because it’s my fault that reality
Doesn’t conform to your
Delusions.
I’m on your rollercoaster of ups and downs
But the downs are hard and fast
Because you took out most of the track
This cart doesn’t have wings
And neither do I. Neither do I.
What am I supposed to do? 


It’s a whole amusement park of attractions
Made for me and all your other toys–
There is propoganda on a level that 
North Korea aspires to, oh great saviour–
Let me spin around in your teacups
Until I’m nauseous. What else is there to do?
There is no exit. It must be well hidden.
I’ve been looking. Smiling. Closing my eyelids
Just to see your pupils and your snake fangs.


I need a night that I don’t stay in a 
Haunted mansion of your proportions
Where I don’t wake up on your plastic mattress
Covered in sweat and cold until I peel myself off
Take a shower and cry until the pain has numbed
Look at myself in the funhouse mirror and say
I'm not crazy. I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy.
And block out your voice saying 
“Yes you are.” “Yes you are.” “Yes you are.”

anonymous asked:

I sometimes wish Louis and Harry hadn't gotten along at all, like they were civil with each other but weren't like how they use to be, maybe then the Larries wouldn't exist.

I can’t say I agree with that, because fetus Larry were so pure that I cry sad larrie tears just thinking about them. Mostly I’m sad that you feel this way, but I understand 😕 the intensity of how well they did get along at the beginning is part of the reason why larries are still around today, but I still wouldn’t give that up and I’m sure Harry and Louis wouldn’t want to either. Larry seemed to have such a strong influence on the fandom and the band itself so who knows where 1D would be without their dynamic!