sometimes i wonder if this really is all my fault

˜”*°•.˜”*°•Random Sentence starters! 

“ I’m gonna prove you all wrong! “
” I’m not ready to admit how much you mean to me.. “
” I am being perfectly fucking civil “
” This isn’t Fucking over “
” He looked more handsome.. and more human than i’d ever seen him “
” I’ll give you war “
” Who the Fuck do you think you are? “
” It’s called murder, baby! “
” if it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand “
” is that a threat or are you flirting with me? “
” You know who I am “ 
” I want my Angel Back “
” I got enemies “
“  Tell Em winning is my motherfucking protocal! “
” Am I That easy to forget? “
” Relax, princess “
” He’ll Kill you “ 
” Nobody makes it out alive “
” Yikes! I’ll see you tomorrow, kiddo “
” Hey sometimes you gotta kill a guy! “
” Do you need to see a doctor? “
” We’re fucked! “
”  You’re playing my game now. “
” No wonder you can’t sleep… “
” I’m ok, I’m alive! “
” I was not crazy “
” It’s a bit tragic, really, isn’t it? “
” I Think a did something wrong “
” It’s my turn to torture you “
” You can’t wake up “
” Is it my fault? “
” No No No No No. This wasn’t suppose to happen “
” But… you promised “
” The bruises were there when I found him/her, i swear ”
” You know, a normal person would immediately say that s/he’s gushing blood. but no you had to bleed all over the place and faint first “ 
” Did my Back hurt your knife? “
” You get out of here! you’ve killed enough people! “
” you know… that’s not what an apology sounds like… “
” I thought i could handle it, but i was wrong, so wrong.. “
” Don’t bleed on my floor “
” Your okay. Breathe. Just breathe. “
” It’s ok. Your ok. It’s over now “
” No, I said we were safer, not safe “
” why are you hiding behind me? what did you do? “
” excuse me. I have to go make a scene “
” I want to go home.. “
” I saved your life! “
” No. Not you.. anyone but you… “
” Oh god Please don’t Leave.. “
” your one insult away from starting a war “
” for gods sake! who did you kill now?! “
” I’m sorry I stabbed you.. “
” Oh, I didn’t know you had a identical twin “
” They told me there would be no side effects.. “
” I’m trying to crack a safe. be quiet “
” Ooh~~ Name calling, fearsome! “
” That man was born to end Lives “
” I’ve Lost count of the promises I’ve broken for you “
” It hurts my feelings when you don’t use my Real name.. “
” Give me a hug.. “
” when is my dentist appointment? “
” Your sick! your a psychopath! “
” Does it hurt? “
“ I thought we’d Have more time..”

A letter to the brother I always missed

Dear brother,

It’s again the day when I secretly stole a piece of cake for you. I don’t know which one you loved because you never told me but I am pretty much sure that you won’t mind eating it as long as I bring this.

You know I first asked about you to mom when I was 4. My best friend’s brother had bought her a toffee and she shared it with me. She too always kept the toffee given at school for her brother. I never knew about that tradition! She never asked me why my brother didn’t get me toffee. She is nice that way. She never asks such. But I had to ask mom where you are. She told me you were a star as you loved the sky. So I ran to the terrace to wait for you to give you my favorite toffee. I had kept it with me for three days because I was so scared to ask mom about you. But then I didn’t tell her about you. I wanted to keep you all to myself.

I searched for you everywhere in sky. I knew you would be the brightest one. And when I saw you I took out the list of everything I had noted down to tell you. I know you were happy to listen from me. I even left the toffee there for you. I was so angry next day when I saw that you didn’t take that toffee. I am still mad just so you know.

Some days I still wonder what life would have been if I had you. I never got to wear your sweatshirt and you never stole my shoes. I never got to make you lose in a video game and you never set a curfew for me. I sometimes wonder if you would have scared the guy who would have asked me out. I know you would have shared about your crush with me. I would have even helped you. We would have been cool pair of sibling that way.

Do you remember that day I had cried in front of you for hours? My exam went so bad and those fire works didn’t let me see you. I swear i was so pissed that i had to wait till late mid night. I have started swearing more. I don’t know if you would have stopped me. I do remember apologizing to you the first time i cursed. I guess if you would have been here you would have taught me new ones so I could show off to my friends. As I said we would have been cool that way.

I don’t know what your birthday would have been but I like to make a gift for you every year. I hate it when everyone forgets my birthday. Sometimes I too forget it. If you would have been there that wouldn’t have been the case. I forgot it today even.

I even wonder what you would have looked like. I am sure we would have resembled to each other in some way like same eyes color or same hair color. We would have loved same food may be. Though I am not sure. I would have surely been there to cheer you if you liked any game. I guessed we wouldn’t have fought much and even if we did I would have let you win. I will be the cooler one that way.

There were times when I needed you so much. Like that day in third grade when that girl hit me. She wouldn’t have if I had you to protect me. But you weren’t and so I was on bed next two days with bruised face and I ate a big chocolate from the ones I had spared for you. And I am not sorry for that cuz it was after all your fault. But just so you know, I really need you sometimes.

And so I always write about the things I knew only you would have understood and I wonder if you too miss having me to listen you! And though you don’t stay around me you still are the person I am fond of the most. You would have been my favorite second chance, that person I would give the last piece of cookie to.

You wouldn’t have been just a metaphor or poem. You would have been all my wishes trapped in a human. You still are. And you will always be, my favorite poem of all time. I really miss you. I hope you are missing me too.


Originally written on July 2, 2008
Edited on January 9, 2017

to the boy who made me insecure in my own skin
it’s been three years since i’ve come into contact with you. you wouldn’t know how that feels. and in four more, i’ll be in a body you have not once touched. the only evidence of your happenings will be engraved into my memory, not my skin. sometimes i find myself wondering how you could live with yourself. but maybe then you didn’t know different, we were really young. though i’m still baffled at how you live with it. and even after you held me down for your amusement and satisfaction, you still managed to make it all about you. i was your object, and i wasn’t doing enough for you. i, being blinded and unable to see outside the tunnel, hung on for dear life. this is my fault. it wasn’t. you were the issue, everything was your fault. i’m no longer your object, and i hope no other girl will ever conform to your sickness.

to the boy i desperately wanted to teach, but learned from instead
communication between us hasn’t died over the years. that’s how things should be in every case. and you taught me that. you taught me that arguing can be healthy, but also so very unhealthy. you taught me that i have a choice in my relationship. that the other person can’t push me around, though i’ll struggle with this concept for years to come. you taught me that it’s not okay for anyone to bully me, even if it’s my closest friends. for i should be myself and be happy and not let others bother me with their opinions and expectations. you were good for me. what i needed at the time. but that time then passed, and you’re still a great person. we may be good for each other, but not romantically. and that’s a lesson we learned together.

to the boy who broke me from the inside out
i never told you i loved you, and i’m glad i never did. because that was not one of the many mistakes we made with each other. our relationship wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good. in fact we were quite supportive of one another. until you became the destruction i grew to. you’ll probably never know this, but on that day the bond broke, you broke me. i haven’t been able to freely tell people who i am without the worry of them using it against me in every way possible. your aim was to crush everything i could identify with and throw the pieces back. you were burning bridges that weren’t finished building. i always say that those tears were to make you feel guilty - they partly were - but truly it was because of your destruction and criticism. you told me everything i ever was could never be good enough for you. i cried, and i grew to miss you. sometimes i still miss you, and want a second chance. you were something to me, but now you’re just something.

to the boy i dearly wanted a forever with
you’ve taught me what love is. you showed me that no matter how different two people are, that doesn’t limit their potential for each other. you showed me that no relationship is perfect. you taught me how to have fun with people i’ve never met before. and you taught me that you can’t ever promise someone forever. you may have showed me what love is, how to grow with someone, but you also showed me what heartbreak was. that no matter how good you have it with someone, because it can all be gone within minutes and no warning signs of the certain casualty. you’ve told others that you made a mistake, and i’m glad you’ve realized this. you may be childish and goofy, but you can be wise and sensitive at other times. i’ll always thank you for the experiences we had together, and i’ll always have a space for you in my heart. but you’ve also taught me it’s important to grow past these things.

to the boy who calls himself a man but could never be one
my mother always warned me of manipulative people, but i didn’t know what they were like until i met you. you mold to everyone around you, you’re inconsistent with yourself. and i wonder if you’ll ever realize that. there were moments where you were absolutely captivating, but then i saw shadows in your eyes and did nothing about it. the comfortable blanket around us wove itself into rose bushes. i told myself you were doing what every boy would do, treating me as every boy would, and saying what every boy would. i started to dig holes deep in the ground to accompany the shadows in your eyes. you pushed me to do wretched things, today i’m so glad i said no. it strained our relationship, but that was absolutely necessary for me to escape your trap. i like to say you’re the final reason i could never trust anyone who is male again, and this is true. for i gave you too much of me too soon, and your radiation spreads so quickly. you could never be but a boy, for you have so much learning to do, and with your lungs you have little time left to do so.

to the boy of my future
chances are, you will never understand why i let these people have such an effect on me. but that’s what happened, and if you’re here you have to live with that. i’ve encountered many toxic people in my life, and no matter how terrible they were for me i will always learn from them. i may have a hard time trusting you. not in a way that society would say i mean. but in a sense with myself. i may not trust you at first with my thoughts or words, with my body and feelings. but all i’ve ever wanted was to take the time to know someone, and them me, before they see me naturally. and i’ll show you my favorite piece of poetry, or even poetry i’ve written. i’ll show you my artwork, the sensitive and the mindless. and there will always be a reason behind me doing this, whether that is emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. but most of all, i’ll poke and prod your mind. i’ll tell you stupid things and laugh at my own jokes until i cry. because we all have our funky days, the down ones too. and you’ll be a part of them all. and chances are, you will never understand why until you know me truly naked.

Your Wedding Day - Joe Sugg (Requested)

A/N: I really tried with this one and I’m pretty happy with the way that it had turned out. I hope you guys like it! xx Maddie

REQUEST: “Can you make an imagine of Joe and the reader on their wedding day and the readers nervous about Joe backing out last minute and her bridesmaids (Tanya, Zoe, Niomi, and Louise) reassure her. And then it’s all cute and fluffy and their wedding is perf. x”

—————————————–

“I just can’t believe it,” Zoe laughed, helping you slip into the white fabric that marks a very special day in every girl’s life. “Out of all people, you agreed to get married to my brother.”

“Oh, come on, Zoe,” Tanya giggled. “Joe’s a real catch.”

“Yeah, he’s sweet and caring,” Louise added. “The whole package.

“Let’s not forget funny!” Niomi contributed.

You just smiled. “Okay girls, don’t go making him seem like some God now. He has his fair share of faults.” You were waiting for this day since you were a little girl. Every girl dreams of having a day that’s all about her, and you were about to get that. You had been dating Joe for 3 years before he finally popped the big question. Another year later, and here you are, your wedding day.

“I know he has faults,” Zoe said. “That’s my point. He’s just so…odd. But I can see that you make each other happy, and that’s all I could ask for. I’ll be proud to have you as a sister-in-law.”

“You’re sure I make him happy?” You asked, the pre-marital nerves were beginning to settle in. “I mean, I know he makes me happy and all, but sometimes I wonder if I’m really good enough for him.”

“Y/N, what are you talking about?” Niomi questioned. “Everyone can see how in love the two of you are.”

“I felt the same way on my wedding day,” Tanya smiled. “After the wedding, I had a hard time figuring out why I thought I wasn’t good enough for Jim.”
“Yeah, but you two are absolutely perfect for one another.” You sighed. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d definitely say that you two are made for each other.”

“You think you and Joe aren’t?” Louise asked. “I have never seen a couple more in love than the two of you. No offense, Tanya.”

“None taken darling.” Tanya smiled.

“Y/N, there is absolutely no way that my brother would leave you hanging like that.” Zoe smiled. “I know I say some mean things about him at times, but he’s my brother. I have to do that. I know he’s not the type of guy to embarrass someone by leaving them hanging at the altar. If he didn’t want to go through with this, he would have called it off before. He loves you more than anything. Alfie told me that Joe is just as nervous about today, and he kept worrying that you were going to back out on him. So don’t feel so alone in all of this. You have all of us.”

 “I love you girls, you know that right?” You teared up. “Thank you for everything. I couldn’t ask for better best friends.”

 “We’ll always be here for you, no matter what.” Tanya smiled.

 “By the way, you look absolutely stunning in your dress, Y/N.” Niomi exclaimed.

 “Absolutely breathtaking.” Louis agreed.

 “Now, get out there and marry my brother.” Zoe cheered. “We’ve all been waiting for this day since the two of you met.”

You thanked your best friends and said goodbye to them as they had to leave to take their places for the ceremony. You looked in the mirror and began to smile. Naomi was right, you looked absolutely radiant in your dress. You were in much better sprits after talking to your girls about your fears. You went and took your position to walk down the aisle.

You hooked your arm through your father’s and began to walk down. You couldn’t take your eyes off of Joe. He had tears running down his cheeks. You knew then and there, this would be a once in a lifetime love for the two of you. Once you had made it to the altar and held hands with Joe, the Justice of the Peace began reading all of the normal vows out. After he was done, the Joe and you began to read the vows that you had written out for one another.

“Y/N, I vow to always be there to hold you whenever you’re at a low point. I vow to always be there to hold you whenever you’re having the time of your life. I’ll always be there for you. I vow to always cherish and love you to the best of my ability. I vow to do everything within my power to make sure that you always feel needed, loved, wanted, everything a woman dreams of. I vow to put you before myself in any situation that should arise. I vow to share all my hopes and dreams with you. I vow to love you until the moment that I take my last breath and leave this world. I love you.” You began crying as you listened to Joe recite his vows for you. He was such an amazing man, you were so lucky to be standing where you were. You knew after listening to his vows that you were an idiot for thinking he was going to leave you. You looked over to Zoe who had the biggest smile across her face and tears running down her cheeks.

  “Joe, I vow to always be there for you whenever you need me, or whenever you don’t. I vow to always love you the way you deserve to be loved. I vow to take care of you whenever you’re feeling ill or whenever you’re not. I vow to always help you through the hard times and be right by your side through everything you do in your lifetime. I vow to always respect what paths you decide to take and give you the best advice whenever you feel like you need it. I vow to always be honest with you no matter what the outcome might be. I vow you will always be the only man I will love and nothing can come between us. I love you to the moon and back, Joe Sugg.” You finished off your vows and couldn’t help but smile like a complete dork. The two of you were idiots in love. You wouldn’t want to have it any other way.

“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.” With that, Joe pulled you into him and gave you the most sincere kiss you had ever felt. He was pouring all of his love into the kiss to make sure you knew how happy he was at that exact moment. The audience erupted in a loud round of applause. You were on cloud nine, you were finally Mrs. Y/N Sugg.

You can lead a horse to water but you cant make him think
You can take the cat out the bag but surely it’ll jump back in
In that way I am the captain of a sinking ship
You can kill a bird with two stones, although it takes two throws
You can take those very two stones and throw them in a glass house
Break all the windows just to hear it from the horses mouth
Crying over milk that hasn’t even spilt
I’ll give you the benefit of doubt, all while taking it with a grain of salt
Because really, you’re only good to a fault
And maybe talking to you would only bring insult to injury
Pain to misery
But maybe I’ll play devils advocate
While you sit on the fence
I’ll feed you doses of your own medicine
And maybe if I pull wool over my eyes we would finally see eye to eye
Sometime i wonder if we should of just let the sleeping dog lie
It just sucks to hear it all from the grapevine
And apparently every cloud has a silver lining
But honestly I couldn’t think of a worse timing
—  – I’m an Idiom for trusting

I was putting together a list of Thranduil and/or Legolas fic recs for a friend who was just getting into the fandom and I thought, WELL, with just a bit of tweaking, this is actually a pretty good primer of fics for new readers, if you wanted!  ♥

- Jedi Sapphire is one where she writes both light-hearted and more serious fic, but when she hits it, she really hits it.  She has this series that starts with Falling Shadow that’s about the death of Legolas’ mother while they’re kidnapped by another Elf that hates them for being Sindarin rulers of the Silvan people, and I admit I hesitate to recommend it because Thranduil and Legolas spend most of their time apart in it, iirc, but it’s so good.  It’s ouchy and angst, but really good, if you’re in the mood for Legolas whump and Thranduil worrying over his wife and son.  (It’s not a happy fic, for all that they have good relationships.)  I also really enjoyed To Learn a King and Prince of Ithilien is definitely on the cracky side, but it hits my desire for humor, intimidating!Thranduil, and doting father with spoiled Legolas hard.

- Honestly, anything by daw the minstrel is always going to be one of the best sources of fic in this fandom and hardcore gets how I see the characters/is one of the most IC writers for Thranduil and young!Legolas.  But she’s definitely writing more based on the book (and you have to be careful of OC-heavy fic–the bb!Legolas ones are generally the easiest to get into, imo), so if you’re looking for a strong streak of cruelty in Thranduil (which I do see movie!Thranduil having, when he’s affected by the poisoning of the forest!), that’s not here.  But if you want a strict but openly loving father with three kids, two of whom are trouble magnets, she is definitely your go-to author.  (You can start with Paths of Memory, which has cute bb!Legolas,  All Those Who Wander and Growing Under Shadow or go for The Seeds of Time or All Those Who Wander maybe.  And I have reread  My Brother’s Keeper a truly ridiculous number of times, but I love love love Legolas with two older brothers and being the youngest.)

- ellisk can be a bit harder to get into but is so very worth it, her series is also one of the most IC Thranduil (and Legolas) versions that I’ve read and is one of the best examples of what I’m looking for in this fandom!  It’s a combination of slice of life at length with that there’s a lot of plot going on and it gets pretty fucking dark at times, especially when people start dying!  It’s OC heavy, but they are wonderful and used really well, to help emphasize Legolas’ character and make the world he lives in more satisfying to read about.  Interrupted Journeys Part 3 and Part 4 are my favorites (I suggest skipping the first two, since Legolas is too young in them to have much personality), though 5 and 6 are charming as well.

- Swordplay and Swimming is a fic where Thranduil visits Elrond (which are often fics that leave me sighing greatly because, seriously, I don’t think that happened a lot, not with how far apart they lived, not with how they’re different culturally, not with their mutual responsibilities, and I really do not think Thranduil wound send Legolas so freely) and it’s gorgeous. He’s a Sinda among Noldor and he runs into little Elladan and Elrohir, who don’t have a lot of tact yet, and it’s perfect.  (It had me at Elrohir chatting with his mother about the upcoming visit with:  //“Glorfindel said that King Oropher was a pain in Ada’s rear. Of course, he didn’t say rear. He said -” Elrohir chattered, oblivious to his mother’s horrified look.// I LAUGHED FOREVER.)

- ningloreth1 hasn’t written a lot, but I really enjoyed everything of hers, especially The King.

- jenolas is always a comfort writer, but I think their Elfling!Legolas stuff is the best.  For memory, I remember enjoying Treasure and A Dwarf Among Elves (which is post-ROTK with Gimli in the Blessed Realm, one of my favorites for this trope),

- Morpheus626 seems like an author I remember fondly, that I thought The Shadow Rising was really beautiful and I liked Grief a lot.

- sheraiah tends to write super doting Thranduil, which you definitely have to be in the mood for, but I thought everyone was pretty spot-on in Hidden Agenda (a murder mystery in Gondor, where a  young Elf is killed and Legolas is a magnet for trouble), to the point that it was one of the early best Arwen characterizations in fic that I’d seen!  (That one is a WIP, but I remember it having plenty of emotional satisfaction/resolution for me.)

- Evergreene is one of those authors that is just a fucking DELIGHT with everything she writes.  (Though, her newer work is better than her older work, iirc.)  She writes Aragorn & Legolas friendship stuff, but the fic always, always, always takes great joy in what utter dicks they are to each other and how this strengthens their friendship because they enjoy being around each other so much.  If you don’t mind the focus being on adult!Legolas and away from Greenwood, these are JOYFUL.  Start with Games People Play, that was the first I read and probably my favorite. Where Fault Lies has Thranduil in it a bit, but it’s mostly Aragorn and Legolas journeying to Mirkwood after being injured and 100% ready for each of them to sell the other out, like the rat bastards they both are. ♥

- JastaElf writes really good stuff but, again, focuses more on adult!Legolas, but!! The Scruff Factor is my favorite thing because it has perfect beautiful shining wonderful prince Legolas and it waxes on about how stunning he is, all layered over what an absolute shit he is sometimes.  It was amazing and hilarious and made me love him more.

- Karri writes a lot of fic I really, really love, but I can’t tell where they’d fall on a lot of people’s meters, if they’d hit the right notes.  I liked The Grove (post-ROTK fic where Legolas remembers his friends) and Unearthed (bb!Legolas finds some of his father’s things and Thranduil explains them to him) are good places to start.

- james8 is an author I remember enjoying and I think I fell in love with their work first with Wayward Son (where Thranduil heads to Gondor post-War of the Ring to find out news of Legolas and I’m weak to intimidating!Thranduil, okay), if you want to start there.

- Ich Dien - To Serve the Kingdom by MissFaust is my single favorite movie-based fic, I think.  Gorgeous characterization all around and, tbh, I think it was more satisfying a story than BOTFA was.  >_>  Totally jossed by the third movie, of course, but still absolutely worth reading for scary but loving dad Thranduil and his amazing headstrong wife.

- I love anything and everything by ncfan, but she mostly writes Silmarillion-based stuff.  (Technically, Thranduil could be part of the Silmarillion stuff, but he’s not actually really mentioned in it.)  But I liked her Thranduil fic Has His Reasons, which was movie-based fic for that “lowly Silvan Elf” line that I so hated.

- Lamiel mostly writes adult!Legolas and his friendship with Aragorn stuff (which is really good stuff! just I tend more towards Legolas with other Elves), but I really enjoyed  An Elk?, which is humor fic, but the kind I think is really enjoyable.  Celeborn and Thranduil being hilarious dicks to each other in that Elven way is A+++ for me.

- Some other fics I remember being good Deep and Crisp and Even by rivlee has this gorgeous sense of how Elves are different from Men, when Thranduil meets Bard in the winter to help with hunting right and he’s just so not human here. To Render Aid by Vaneria Potter (why Thranduil offers help to those he does) and Paths that lead home (nudging the Elves back towards each other, rather than apart, and Legolas realizes more of why his father acts as he does) and The Chambered Heart (which is very movie-accurate, even I have to admit, much as my heart quails of the distant relationship between them that this portrays) and  to the bone, the half-hidden root (movie-based fic about why Thranduil turned away from Ereborn–everything Mira_Jade writes is wonderful, but she’s definitely more Silmarillion-focused).

Nothing to be afraid of (Sehun scenario)

It felt like we were friends. No one would have guessed we were together, it didn’t seem like it. We never held hands, we never said romantic stuff in front of anyone and of course we never kissed. In fact we never had our first kiss.

Sometimes I wonder if we are actually dating.

It’s not his fault, I’m the one who can barely look into his eyes without turning red and start babbling nonsense. I hate it to much. I’ve always been shy but it increases when I’m with someone I really like, specially Sehun. It was all okay when we were friends, I felt comfortable with him and we could talk for hour without any problems. We even hugged sometimes. But when he told me he liked me and I accepted to be his girlfriend everything changed. Now I just can’t treat him like that in front of everyone because my heart would beat like crazy and my hands would start to sweat a lot. 

It’s like a curse. I fear losing him because of it.

He is always friendly and happy and makes everyone feel comfortable around him. He probably must feel I’m trying to avoid him but… how am I supposed to explain why I acted like that when I didn’t understand it myself? My mind is just torturing me and it’s quite visible how upset I feel.

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imaginationismykingdom-deactiva  asked:

Can I have a GOT Bran Stark imagine? Reader and Bran were best friends before his fall but he pushes her away afterward because he thinks that she won't like him any more because of his legs. Super fluff and a first kiss :)

Push (Bran Stark Imagine)

“Maester Luwin! Maester Luwin! Bran is missing!” I practically scream as I race into the library.

“(Y/n), (y/n) dear. Calm down, what are you talking about?”

“Bran, he’s gone! I went to his room and he wasn’t there. I searched the rest of the castle too and nothing. What do we do? We don’t have Robb or Theon to help. We, we…”

“(Y/n), breath.”

“How are you so calm right now!”

“Because I know where he is.” He replies casually. I stop fidgeting and stare at the old man. “It’s early afternoon, Bran is in the Godswood. He has been going almost  every afternoon since Robb’s departure. You two have always been close, I’m very curious to why you don’t know this?”

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I’ve never been in the military, but I have this Purple Heart
I got it from beating myself up over things I can’t fix
I know it sounds weird but sometimes,
I wonder what my bed sheets say about me when I’m not around
I wonder what the curtains would do if they found out
About all the things that I’ve done behind their backs
I’ve got a hamper that’s overflowing with really, really loud mistakes
And a graveyard in my closet, I’m afraid that if I let you see my skeletons
You’ll grind my bones into powder and get high on my fault lines
—  Rudy Francisco, My Honest Poem (spoken word performance)
I know it sounds weird but sometimes,
I wonder what my blankets say about me when I’m not around
I wonder what the curtains would do if they found out
About all the things I’ve done behind their backs
I’ve got a hamper that’s overflowing with really, really loud mistakes
And a graveyard in my closet, I’m afraid that if I let you see my skeletons
You’ll grind my bones into powder and get high on my fault lines
—  Rudy Francisco

I don’t really know who you are anymore, but at one time I knew you like the back of my hand. You were my person, the one I trusted with anything and everything. It’s weird how it all works; one day we were inseparable and the next I was struggling to come up with something to talk to you about. The memories started becoming blurred and you, the person I knew like the back of my hand, became a distant memory.

Sometimes I start to wonder where it all went wrong. I question who it was that really ended the friendship, or where the destruction all began. I don’t think either of us meant to hurt the other one. I don’t think it was your fault, and I don’t think it was mine. You taught me so much and you saw me through some of the toughest times in my life, so for that I am forever grateful.


I am not bitter about the ultimate conclusion of our friendship, nor am I happy about the way it turned out. I am more or less indifferent. I have grown into someone you wouldn’t recognize, and I’m sure you’ve done the same. I am not at all the person you once knew, and in some ways that’s extremely satisfying. I have done extremely well for myself, by myself.

I went through some pretty drastic changes and (for awhile at least) you were there to comfort me. I was forced to grow up while everyone around me was left in an adolescent mindset, thriving off of drama without a care in the world. I never expected you to follow, but I did expect you to understand why I had to move on. Maybe that was where it all went wrong.


We grew apart extremely quickly and uncontrollably. We became our own people and started learning that we (the best friends forever) were only best friends for a short, but extremely vital part of our lives. Maybe that’s how it was always supposed to be.

I hope that you are accomplishing everything you wanted to, and I hope that your life becomes the fairytale you always wished for. And one day, when an old picture of us shows up on your Facebook Timeline, I hope that instead of remembering the end, you remember all the amazing memories and lessons learned.

Sincerely,

Your (EX) best friend

Visits

Found one of my older works and I brushed it up a bit and posted it on AO3 as well.. Posting it here too though…

1 week after the fall

Keep an eye on her and keep me updated using this number.

Billy only had one number coded into the phone he’d recieved from Sherlock and that was the number of the man himself. It had been an easy way for them to stay in contact when Billy was helping the consulting detective with a case, and now his mission.

The number he’d just gotten the text from, he didn’t know, but somehow it was clear to him that it was Sherlock. Sherlock had obviously gotten himself a new phone, one that would be untraceable; there was also the fact that Sherlock was the only one who had the number.

It wasn’t hard for Billy to figure out who the message was about either; there was only one woman Billy could think of that Sherlock wanted updates on.

oOoOoOo

Keep reading

Last night we were talking about sympathy vs. empathy. I said sympathy is feeling for someone and empathy is feeling with someone.

I suffer from having too much empathy. And I really do mean suffer. For a person like me - one who has depression, anxiety and is bipolar - the added bonus of being hyper empathetic is sort of like a lethal combination. I feel too much. I feel too often. I feel feelings that are not supposed to be mine to feel. I project the feelings of others onto myself, internalize someone else’s emotions to the point I make them my own. Someone else’s grief becomes mine. Someone else’s sadness becomes mine.

As if I didn’t have enough emotions of my own, I have to borrow from everyone else. 

I’m not saying empathy is a bad thing; I find empathy to be a quality trait in a human being. But having too much of it is almost a burden or a curse. You’re doomed to constantly bombarding yourself with emotions. And when you have a hard time being in control of your emotions like I do, taking on the grief and sadness and even happiness of others - and when I say others I mean not just actual human beings or animals, but fictional beings as well -  becomes exhausting sometimes.

The thing is, you really have to have empathy before you can experience sympathy. Empathy is recognizing the emotions of other people, being aware of what someone else is going through. In order to feel sympathy for someone, you need to recognize and validate their feelings so you can act on them (even the simple act of reaching out a hand and sincerely saying “I’m sorry for what you are going through”). I’ve known people in my life who simply can not do that, who do not have the ability to feel empathy, through no fault of their own. It’s just the way their brains are wired.

I wonder sometimes what it would be like to not feel so much, to not have this extensive emotion mechanism buried inside me. But I don’t really want to know. This is me, it’s part of what makes me who I am. I don’t think I’d be able to write the way I do without experiencing all these feelings at this level. And I don’t think I’d know what to do with myself if I suddenly found myself at an even keel when it comes to emotions. 

Anyway, just another glimpse into how my brain and heart work, and an insight into what I was thinking about at 3am, wide awake in bed.