Why do you think you're depressed?
I used to see the world covered in sunshine, I used to take the light of the world and get it to shine inside of me. People actually told me that I was a ray of sunshine. Now they ask me why it’s raining (it’s clearly not just rain, but storm in my head. It feels like a hurricane with a lot of eyes- my brain blanks sometimes.)
When I was younger I loved cooking and reading and making little DIY projects and writing and drawing and rollerblading and waveboarding and going for walks and taking pictures and a whole lot of things. Right now I know that I like to do all these things but actually doing them just isn’t possible. I just cannot get myself to do anything. Nothing seems fun anymore- it’s all exhausting.
You know when I love the world the most? At 5-6am, when everybody is still sleeping but the world itself has woken up already. I used to get up and watch the sun paint the sky beautiful while the birds came by for breakfast and squirrels chased each other on the trees. Now the only sky I get to see is when I force myself to go walk the dog and that’s mostly too late for the colours and to early for the stars.
I was so proud of myself for getting better, for doing the stuff I love again. But now, I feel myself slipping back into some weird mix of tired, sad and heavy. When I want to be proud of myself, I need to find smaller and smaller victories. Got out of bed? That’s a great accomplishment, enough for today. Went to school without crying? WOah that’s so strong!!! Drank water? Best thing I did this week!!! Mostly, I just don’t get proud of myself anymore. Why would I?
Have you ever searched for reasons to stay? Because I find myself doing that a lot in these last months. I have a dog that needs walks and hugs and food. My sister needs help with her school assignments. My grandparents need the hugs and the talks and the cozy. The sky will stil be beautiful when I can see colour again, the waves won’t stop coming back for me. It’s hard to not stay for yourself, but it’s harder to leave when there are reasons left to live for.
I know the symptoms, I show the symptoms and logically I know I should see a doctor. I can write this whole thing about how I’m depressed but still tell myself it’s not that bad and I’m just looking for attention. I know that’s not true, but I can’t seem to convince myself. I don’t have the energy, nor the motivation to try harder.