sometimes i feel down

anonymous asked:

do you ever feel shitty for non-same gender attraction? i'm a cis bi woman and sometimes i feel like i'm letting the gay community down when i have a crush on a boy... can anyone relate to this?

yeah, i can relate! and i’m sure a lot of others do too. it’s this weird pressure that weighs you down because you feel like you’re not gay enough for the community. which is such a silly misconception, but unfortunately one a lot of us deal with. :(

qotd: let’s chat about anything!

This is important

If you’ve been trying to keep in contact with me for a short time, or have been trying to talk to me recently, you probably don’t know this.

Sometimes, my anxiety doesn’t allows me to talk to many (or any) people, and i become really quiet. I might even be online, but not in conditions to talk to anyone.

I’m sorry if i poof or space a bit, it’s nothing personal. I really want to talk to you and be your friend, but i can’t help myself sometimes ;v;

Musing about being a POC and queer individual in the TMNT fandom:

I think the hardest part of being in the TMNT fandom for me is the fact that I am not white, am not straight, am not cis, or even neurotypical, and… I identify fairly hard with the turtles because of those things. 

But then… they’re drawn or written as all of those things probably 90% of the time when people are humanizing them, and its just. so hard. to let that go, even though those people have no idea they’re affecting some random person across the internet. Compared to the hundreds of others who don’t feel this way, my personal opinion doesn’t really matter.

I don’t hold it against anyone for their headcanons, and I have never a day in my life sent hate to a person for having those headcanons, since I know those depend almost entirely on the personal life and experiences of those individuals.

They still bother me though, since I feel like it erases a large part of what the turtles’ identities are, which is being a minority among minorities.

They’re the only four of their kind, and pretty much utterly isolated from the rest of the world. They’ve never fit in, and never will, because they are inherently different from the rest of society. They are, in a phrase, freaks of nature.

My circumstances aren’t as extreme, not even close, but I know that feeling on a personal level regardless. Having them portrayed as the socially acceptable norm, it erases a large part of what makes them so interesting; which would be their sheer alien-ness from the rest of us. By making them ordinary cis white straight etc etc in humanized headcanons, I feel it takes away from their original characterization as a minority.

And it just really bothers me, as a single individual in the fandom, to have characters I identify with so strongly become pretty much the complete opposite of who and what I am, and thusly become no longer relatable. It’s just a difficult thing to deal with sometimes, especially since I have no power to change it other than ignoring the content I don’t like.

I hope no one takes this as an insult to their personal headcanons about the series; its just the words from someone who’s never fit correctly to any box, and found a strong connection to four characters who I felt were similar to me in that sense.

they have something in common… either that, or this is the prequel to my drawing of Hans from last May

I’ve had this idea for the longest but now that it’s winter (for pretty much everyone else in the northern hemisphere), now was a good time to draw it. This was my first time drawing Marshmallow and I noticed some mistakes I made in my May drawing so I may go back to fix them. I know that Hans would actually be smaller next to Marshmallow but my cartoons have the head-to-body ratio of a stylized chibi and Hans already looks pretty tiny right now, imagine if I had kept the proportions correct XD

Some sketches I did X3

2

This isn’t Cow Chop related at all, but today I found out Gabe The Dog passed away.

Many months ago when my brother showed me “remix videos” I thought they were annoying at first but then I slowly grew into loving them. Those videos always made me happy no matter how I was feeling, sometimes I would even watch them when I’m feeling down.

All I can say is thank you to his owner for giving me joy, I will miss you gabe, rest in peace sweet pupper. 😞💔

Sometimes I can get bogged down in the present and feel like I’m not moving forward, but my favorite remedy for those funks is to compare where I’m at now to where I was before! I’ve really been focusing on my makeup techniques this year and striving to improve with character looks/portrayal, so for Halloween, I recreated a makeup look I did waaaaay back in 2013! Seeing the direct comparison is so hugely motivating; it’s amazing how using better tools and application techniques can improve your makeup game. xD (Back in 2013 I was still using my fingers to apply foundation, haha! Trust me: get ye a beauty blender!!)

Stim (poem)

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed.

I need to wind down.

I need to ground.

I need to know I am here.

I need to know I am okay.

I shake and rock and tap and sing.

I need to know I am here.

I need to know I am okay.

Sometimes I feel so happy.

Butterflies fly out of my ears.

My head is filled with music.

Color spills out of my hands.

I must flap it all around.

I must dance to the beautiful music.

I need to let out the happiness.


Sometimes I feel so angry.

My body can’t contain it.

There is fire in me and it is burning me to the core.

I must shake it out, so I don’t destroy myself.

Sometimes I take it out in the wrong ways.

But, nonetheless.

I need to let out the anger.

This is the only way I know how.


Sometimes I don’t know where I am.

I feel lost in space.

Everything feels imaginary and blurry.

My head feels fuzzy.

I need to move, to touch, to hear, to taste.

I need to feel.

I need to know I’m existing.

I need to know I exist.


Sometimes I cannot find words.

They are stuck in me.

My mind knows what it wants to say, but there are so many tabs open.

And my mouth is a slow operating machine.

So I must move. I must shake. I must flap.

I am using my voice.

I need to show you.

I need to express myself somehow.

This is how.


Sometimes I feel calm.

Forests and fairies dwell inside.

Kittens play with yarn and a gentle rain pours on.

Happy things, happy hands.

Happy movements.

Calm movements.

I need to do this to stay calm.

I need to do this to embrace the peace.

It’s an ethereal feeling.


And sometimes, it is just fun.

It is just content.

I rock to the melodies dwelling in my soul.

I flap like a bird, free from chaos.

I dance to the nonsense I sing.

I twirl and hop and skip.

I tap and watch and wonder.

This is how I feel.

This is how I express what I feel.

This is one of my languages.


This is my voice that doesn’t need words.

And I will never let anyone silence it.

I am free. I am unashamed. I am loud.

I will not be quiet.


~ Skyler S., Not your neurotypical girl


(Originally posted on my blog)

Sometimes I just feel so down and sad but then I remember that the boys of NCT are alive and breathing and suddenly I have the urge to fight for world peace

~my morning routine~ 

It’s 6am which means I have to get my lazy body out of bed. Okay, 5 minutes of struggling and I’m awake. All of this proves, that a new day has become and I really should start doing something. 

Good morning! I usually wake up at 6am, but it also depends on my mood. Sometimes I feel really down in the morning and decide to treat myself with another 30 minutes of dreaming. My school starts at 8:20 and I live quite far away from it, so I have to leave the house at 7:30. Which means I have an hour and 30 minutes to get ready. Trust me, for me it’s not a lot of time at all.

I’ve read lot’s of different post and articles about perfect morning routines but all of them take too much time. So, I’ve decided to write my own in order to help other busy students organize their morning. Let’s get started! 

  • I always go to the bathroom to wash my face with cold water. Trust me, this might not be the most pleasing ritual but it does wake you up. 
  • Then I head downstairs to get myself some breakfast and a cup of coffee. 
  • At 6:20 I go upstairs and I still have more than an hour to be ready, so I usually let myself get under my soft blanket and scroll through all the mails and messages I got during the night. REMEMBER!!! Do not fall asleep. If you feel like that, get out of bed and do some exercises. 
  • Speaking of exercises. When it’s approximately 6:40 I start doing morning yoga, which I’ve found somewhere on Tumblr. It usually takes only 10 minutes but I feel really stretched after. 
  • At 6:50 It’s time to get ready. I choose what to wear to school. We don’t have a strict uniform but we do have to wear official clothes like black pants and skirts + white blouse or a t-shirt. And being in the last year gives you an unwritten permission to dress more casual, so I often wear black jeans. When I’ve chosen what to wear, I start packing my bag with all the books and notebooks. 
  • After that it’s time to put my makeup on (my favorite part). I won’t get too deep in my makeup routine because it’s very long. I usually go with natural makeup but sometimes I can do something brighter (today is that day yay) 
  • When i have put on my cozy coat and scarf (it already feels like winter) plus some trainers I am ready to go! 

That was my every morning routine, which i do every day (except for sunday) before school. Hope it was somehow useful for you!

Tried to sleep but couldn’t, so here are some light Moana sketches. 

Thanks all yall who wrote nice comments about wanting me to feel better, but it’s all coo, it’s not a big deal. Everyone feels down sometimes and I’m not anyone special, just gotta power through it. I’ll be fine after a bit.

Dear Followers

Sorry for going silent and not answering asks and messages for the past couple days. I had a few rough patches as I started a new semester and just needed to sort out exactly what was going on with my thesis and related things before I felt like I could talk to anyone. I’ve gotten some sleep, had a good cry, met with my advisor, got into my for-fun class, and basically have a better grip on what’s happening. It’s all relative but you know

To everyone who sent me support following my tags rant on Monday, thank you so much <3 I’m not going to publish the asks for the same reason that I keep those rants confined to the tags - I prefer to keep those sorts of issues quiet and don’t want to invade people’s dashes with my personal problems - but I really, really appreciate it. You’re all lovely humans and I’m sending you all big virtual hugs.

Again, I’m really sorry to people who have been waiting on responses to asks and such - I see them, they’re sitting in my inbox, and I’m getting to them ASAP

To anyone still waiting for prompts, I promise they will get done and very soon!! The start of this semester was just way more chaotic than I was anticipating. Thank you so much for your patience and I’m really sorry it’s taken so long! As soon as I’m done with all of them I’m going to post a masterlist, so keep an eye out for that as well.

Alright, that’s all. Thank you all for being lovely - I’ll be more alive and responsive starting tomorrow

4

I d r e a m t of you, Richard

the-miss-spriter replied to your post: Any chance we could get a preview of blackice sexy…

So you don’t write ahead, but do you have an outline? Like, a doc that has the major(or known) plot points so you don’t forget them? Or do you just wing it and hope for the best? Also, I’m super super excited to read the next chapter, because Ive loved your work since From the darkness we rise. (And you might find it funny to know that my immediate reaction to finishing this chapter was to say, “you fucking TEASE, you can’t do that!!” Lol. Keep up the great work!)

No outline! :D

I am winging this fic. A lot of things have happened that I didn’t imagine happening, and a lot of things haven’t happened that I did so…

I don’t know why I love the fun of it so much? I mean something epic with a lot of worldbuilding and zero plotting - but I do find the creative challenge of that fun, even though it could backfire on me - and therefore all of us in a second. Writing myself out of accidental cul de sacs was something I loved doing in From the Darkness We Rise and Into Shadows We Fall, so I decided to do it again here. It’s why I have no idea how long the story will be etc. All I really know, sort of, is the ending, sort of, which I may be changing my mind on, sort of.


The documents I have aside from the chapters are:

- One document on appearances.
- One document on names (I did a bunch of research on Russian names particularly in the beginning, that comes in handy all the damn time).
- One document on the Tsar’s endgame and some of the things he’s done in the past.
- A document on military research and military terminology including structure and uniform and so on. 

And that’s it. Which is why there are worldbuilding and continuity mistakes that come up sometimes. That’s the price I pay - but I pay that even when I do plot things out, like with a lot of the Fae Tales stuff. :D

(So glad you’re enjoying the writing! *bounces*)

“Apparently, he’d been kind of accident prone. When he was five, he got his leg caught up in part of his bike and ended up with a bad wound that needed 15 stitches…He would never calm down and he would never listen to us. If he was told ‘don’t cross the road because it’s dangerous’, he’d cross it. I couldn’t understand his way of thinking.”-Ohno-mama

“My mom is someone who understand everything about me. Sometimes I feel down and depressed because of work problems, my mom will be the first to know. No matter how late I am, my mom will still be awake to wait for me. Even if I’ve sent a mail to her saying “go to sleep, it’s alright”, she will still be there waiting. When I asked her why, she simply said, “you’ve been so tired in your work place, when you come back there’s only a dark house waiting for you, you won’t like it, will you?”. That was really touching.”-Ohno

in 7 days 😀

The Importance of Reconsidering

Hello, I’m an ENFP cp6w7/9w8/4w5 Sx/So.
A year ago I was an INFP 9w1 Sp/sx.
My Girlfriend is an INFJ p6w5/4w3/9w1 Sx/Sp.
2 years ago she was an INTP 5w4 sp/sx
My brother is an ENFP 2w1/8w9/5w4 Sp/Sx
2 years ago he was an ENTP 7w6.


On this very blog you can go back and see all the iterations of all the things I’ve thought all these people were in various posts and reposts, (you can go down like 3 posts in my blog right now and see me call myself an SX/SP, oh well!) I look back on it sometimes and shake my head, feel like taking it down. However, I don’t feel there should be any shame in it. In order to find the clearest water you need to dig a deep well, and you dig wells one shovelful at a time. Every tiny change that has brought me from where I was to where I am was a revelation, a new piece of myself I had never seen or fully understood before. I’m proud of and happy about each and every one of them. 

I feel like when I first started out in typology I was looking for badges to wear. Shields to hide behind and labels to brandish. We’ve all been there, some of us are still there, or maybe you’re a bit like me and you realize you’re doing it and struggle not to. As time has gone on though, I’ve learned that sometimes I have to be accurate to spite myself, and confront uncomfortable truths about my personality as a result. Its tough to let go of a pile of labels that leaves you blameless. However, I have my soulmate as inspiration. She only ever looked for the truth and only ever wanted to understand and be understood. While I wanted to hide and be coddled as an innocent phobic INFP, she looked deep inside herself and genuinely wanted to see exactly who she was and to find the truth. Coming from an INTP to an INFJ, she faced whatever harsh realities she had to in order to reach her more authentic self.


I was proud to be an INFP. Proud to be an introvert (Those shallow extroverts!), proud to be intuitive (those shallow sensors!), proud to be an empath (I feel everyone’s pain more deeply then even they do), proud to share personalities with CS Lewis and Tolkien. Proud to be unapologetically deep and authentic. Proud to be a “peaceful” “phobic” “empathetic” INFP, more emotionally valid than the rest of the world. I was safe in my bubble of elitism. I wanted to be meek and lovable. Blameless and pure. I wanted it and stroked my ego with it. There was no reason to reconsider it when it made me feel so good. 

Everyone saw past it but me. There comes a time when you have to start solving for X. You have to reconcile your outer world with your inner world and your actions with your intentions. You are not just yourself, but the meta of yourself. Look down at the basket full of apples that is your personality, if there is a single rotting apple you need to dump the whole thing out and ponder each and every one. You have to ask yourself a hard question. When you look in the mirror, would you like to see a 2-dimensional drawing of your hopes and Ideals or the true ugly self staring back at you? Why are you like this? 

I’m not as empathetic as i thought I was, or even as emotional. I’m not the soft squishy type. I don’t have excuses to run away, or not own up to my actions. I’m not peaceful and meek. People have told me all these things for a long time but it simply wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I wanted to be that special blameless INFP. The truth is I’m loud, while I’m very understanding I can also be insensitive. I run at my anxieties awkwardly but strongly. I’m divisive and skeptical, always wanting to debate and question. I’m arrogant and obnoxious on accident at times. I can hurt people with my hawkishness. I’m simply more intense than I ever wanted to believe.

But I’ll tell you something else. I make sense now, I understand why people see me the way they do. There is a sense equilibrium between my inner self and my outer life. I look in the mirror and see myself. When something happens I know the truth of why, however ugly. I don’t blame others for holding me accountable nearly as much anymore, because I know how I can be. I can more accurately understand others using myself as the standard, because “myself” is more accurate. Every personality trait flows seamlessly into every other with very few gaps or blatant inconsistencies to be explained away by special snowflake rhetoric. That is so much more secure and authentic feeling than I ever felt lying to myself or hiding behind labels. 

Even if you change something every week or month, don’t feel embarrassed, maybe you’re not a 5, you’re a 6. Maybe you’re not an INFJ you’re an INFP. Maybe next week you’ll find out you aren’t even an INFP, but an ISFP. Don’t feel embarrassed or inauthentic, you are revealing your true self, one step at a time. Sure the INFJ title was glamorous, but whats a title compared to the truth? Nothing, thats what. 

Don’t just look at typology as a way to only show your strengths. Don’t look at it as a way to get others to let you off the hook for being shitty to them. Don’t look at it as a way to disparage or punish yourself for your inadequacies or over-accentuate your faults. Don’t look at is as away to hide behind labels under the guise of understanding. Don’t look at is as a way to “express yourself!”. 
Use it as a tool for understanding yourself exactly as you are and explaining it to others. That is it’s only true use. 

If you’re ignoring glaring inconsistencies in your personality trait make up, I implore you:

RECONSIDER

Reconsider twice, reconsider 3 times, reconsider forever. Keep moving towards the truth. Use all available resources and find the truth. Leaving the safety net of the labels that comfort and validate your insecurities is hard but well worth it. Don’t be afraid to wake up this morning an intuitive and find out tonight you’re a sensor. You were always a sensor (or an enneagram 2, or an SX/SP), you just woke up today and decided to be find more of the truth. You woke up today and decided to see more of yourself in the mirror. The more you consciously know yourself, the more you can control. The more accurately you can see yourself, the more authentically you can validate yourself. There is no shame in being or not being any type and don’t let yourself or anyone tell you there is. There is no shame in changing types on a blog or being wrong in the past about anything. Be more true and authentic now, don’t worry about then. Find yourself.