sometimes i cry myself to sleep at night

“You’re so lucky” I hear it all the time. But what am I lucky exactly about? Lucky to be crying myself to sleep at night? Lucky to be full of anxiety all the time? Lucky to hurt? there is nothing lucky about being in a long distance relationship, specially one where your loved one is deployed. Worrying becomes a daily thing, there are times where weeks go by before they even get a chance to call you, and sometimes life happens and for whatever unfortunate reason you miss their call and that feeling of dread kicks in. It’s constantly looking at your phone checking for their emails, for anything that they could send you…I guess in a sense I am lucky. Lucky to have met him, lucky to be loved by him, lucky to have someone to miss, someone to love..But I am unlucky because I don’t get to hold him when I want, I don’t get to call him when something good happens, when something bad happens, I don’t get to kiss him goodnight or watch the sunrise with him. Waiting is a big part of my life. Patience is another.
Goodbye

Hello, lovely people! So, I wrote something, hope you like it ;)

***

Standing in front of the mirror and looking at what supposed to be my own reflection, I couldn’t recognize myself. The dark bags under my eyes, the dull eyes staring right back at me and the tired person in front of me wasn’t me. I never really thought that someone could destroy me, but now I had the confirmation that it was possible.

It’s been 3 months since Harry started to distance himself. At first I didn’t know why he was doing it, but after a few weeks it wasn’t hard to understand that not only he didn’t love me anymore, he found someone.

It was on a stormy night and I was really worried about him that it hit me how he didn’t call to give me a status of where he was and if he was ok, how he never texted to let me know he was safe or even to ask me if I was ok. The love he once felt for me wasn’t there and hours later, when he came home, even drenched, I could still feel her perfume on him. He was glowing and I knew he just had been with her.

It nearly killed me the realization that my marriage has come to an end. As every silly and in love wife, I stayed. I couldn’t found in me to leave him, so I waited for him to do it. He never did. Even now, after 3 months, he still pretends that nothing is happening. If he has realized how the situation is affecting me, he hasn’t shown. He’s still distant, but sometimes he makes an effort.

Is it worth it? Is it worth to destroy myself to be with someone who has someone else? Is it worth to cry myself to sleep every time he spends the night at “Jeff’s house”? We haven’t slept together in 2 months. I can’t make myself to agree to make love to him when I know he’s not mine anymore.

So now I ask myself, why am I still here?

Maybe is the hope he’ll regret it, that one day he’ll realize his mistake and come back to me. That someday we could be the family we both swore to be.

But life.. Oh, life happens and, trust me, not everything is a movie with a happy ending despite all the problems on the way.

It was a Thursday afternoon and I was baking a cake, to distract myself, when my doorbell rang.

You see, I wasn’t expecting visitors but I was glad someone was coming here to make me some company, since Harry hasn’t been home for 2 days. Oh, I wish I knew better…

“Hey, Y/N” my friend Emma smiled lightly. “Can I talk with you for a second? It’s important.”

“Sure, come in!” I guided her to the kitchen and we both sat at the counter. “Something happened?”

She looked nervous and fidgeting with the strap of her purse. Emma was my best friend for the past 3 years. She was by my side through everything, but somehow I didn’t find the strength to tell her about Harry’s affair. I imagined if only I knew about it, then things have a higher chance to work out.

“Today I was at work and my boss asked me to write an article about some photos.” She looked uncomfortable while taking an envelope from her purse. “I said I couldn’t write it and I begged her to hold on before passing this article to anyone else. I wanted to prepare you first.”

Emma was a journalist and from her facial expression and the pity in her eyes, I knew very well what those photos were about. Either way, I took the envelope from her hands and open it, taking a bunch of photos out.

And there she was. For months I’ve been wandering who she is and how she looked like, and now that I have photos of her smiling, hugging and kissing my husband, I can see what he saw in her. She’s gorgeous. Her tan skin, her tall figure, her gold hair. She was a VS model, apparently, and she fitted him perfectly. I never looked like that and could never even if I tried.

“I’m so so sorry!” Emma looked devastated, almost crying.

“It’s the first time I actually see her.” I smiled sadly. “She’s beautiful, right?”

“Did you know about this?” She looked surprised by my reaction. Or lack of mental breakdown. But I couldn’t bring myself to cry. I cried for 3 months, I was out of tears.

“It’s been going on for 3 months.” I told her. “I thought if I ignore it, he would eventually grow tired of her and come back to me.”

“Darling, you don’t deserve this. He don’t deserve you!”

“I know, I just thought he was the love of my life. I wanted to fight for my marriage, so I’ve been waiting for him to come to his senses. We made a vow, Emma. To love each other for the rest of our lives. How could he through all of our promises out of the window?” I asked her, handing her the photos. “You can give a go to your boss. People deserve to know what he did.”

“You sure? Paparazzis won’t leave you alone, Y/N.” She hugged me.

“I know. They’ll get tired of me eventually.” I smiled sadly and hugged her back.

After Emma left, I went upstairs to what once was our bedroom and took a suitcase out, taking my clothes out of the closet and folding it neatly before putting in my bag. I wasn’t in a hurry, I knew Harry wouldn’t come home in the next hours. He never spent more than 2 days out of the house, so I imagined that today he was going to spend the night here.

After I had everything I needed packed, I went back downstairs and dropped the suitcase by the sofa. Taking in our living room, I realized how much I was going to miss this house. I remember the day we chose it and it was one of the most perfect days ever. I remember of our first night here, with boxes everywhere and me and Harry eating Chinese on the kitchen floor. I remembered our nights filled with nothing but love and I remembered how I thought that we’re gonna last forever.

There were photos of me and Harry everywhere, but the one I loved the most and was in front of me right now was one of our first date. We’re smiling to each other and we looked so happy. I smiled with the memory of that night.

“You’re going somewhere?” Harry asked looking down at my suitcase. I turned around and smiled softly. He looked scared. It was the first time in months that he showed any true emotion.

“Yeah. I think it’s time for me to leave.” I stand in there, looking at his reaction.

I should be angry, I should be screaming, but all I could feel was my heart breaking even more.

“Leave? Leave where?” He asked in panic “This is your home, our home, you can’t leave.”

“It stopped to be my home when you stopped loving me.” I spoke calmly. “It’s just a house now. You can decide what to do with it, I don’t want it anymore.”

“Y/N, why are you…?”

“Because we all deserve to be happy, darling.” I took my wedding band and the engagement ring out of my finger and placed on the coffee table. “I spent the last 3 months waiting for you, expecting that you would stop it and come back to me. I cried myself to sleep every night you were with her and today I finally saw her face. And you deserve to be happy, Harry, even if it hurts me. I can’t stay and wait for you anymore, I can’t pretend it isn’t killing me to stay here and pretend our marriage isn’t over.”

“Please, Y/n, stay!” He sobbed and fell to his knees. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I-I-I c-ca’nt leave without you, p-p-please don’t leave me. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make up for it, but please baby, don’t leave me.”

With Harry’s reaction to my departure, I realized something: He loves me. She (whatever her name is) was just some rock on the road that he got stuck in it, but he loved me. I believed every word, every plea that came out of his mouth.

But I couldn’t forgive him.  

“Harry, I believe in you, but I’m still leaving.” I told him with tears in my eyes. “Our marriage ended in the second you kissed her. You left me, emotionally left me, months ago. I waited for you, but now I finally realize it’s time to go. You can’t fix us, because you can’t fix something that doesn’t exist anymore. I’ll have someone to pick the rest of my stuffs and my lawyer will call your lawyer, I guess.” I picked up my suitcase and my car keys. I looked at the broken man, on his knees, right in front of me and kissed his head. “Thank you for the good memories, Haz. Be happy. Goodbye.”

And even though I could hear his pain, his pleas, his sobs and him calling my name, I kept walking away from the love of my life, who never thought twice before breaking my heart.

***

MASTERLIST

Digital painting of Chester Bennington, frontman of Linkin Park, the man with the voice of an angel, one of the greatest singers of all time, a bandmate, an incredible husband and father. 

I couldn’t be older than four or five when I first listened to Linkin Park. I still remember it because the music video I saw freaked me out. It was “One Step Closer”, Chester and Mike had super weird hair and I remember wondering how Chester could be upside down. And should I even mention the weird people flying around? Yeah, freaky. 

If there’s one thing my father passed onto me despite no really being around unless it was to cause trouble, it’s his love for music. Especially rock music, actually. So it wasn’t a surprise that I liked that weird ass band. Still do. Always has, really. I grew up being really lonely, I didn’t have many friends because I was different, a lot of people made fun of me because of that too. At home, it’s always been a mess. You know, there are times, when you are depressed, you think you have no one. That no one cares about you, that no one loves you. Well, at least, I had Chester. At least, I had one person talking to me every day as I grew up, through his songs. Someone who had been through such bad shit, someone who finally could understand me. 

I feel like I’ve lost more than an idol, more than an inspiration, I feel like I’ve lost my best friend, a brother, even. It’s been three weeks and I still can’t get over his death. I’ve only been listening to Linkin Park since I heard the news. I was on holidays when it happened, with my friends, watching TV, and suddenly one of them said “Hey, the singer of Linkin Park is dead, he killed himself, it’s all over Facebook.” I had to excuse myself, told them I was gonna take my shower, I just cried. I didn’t want them to think I was weird, crying over someone I had never met. I didn’t sleep that night, I didn’t smile the following days, and I still feel empty, I can’t stop thinking about it and I still cry sometimes at night. 

Just thinking about the way he did it… It haunts me, I know he suffered and I wonder if he regretted it as he did it. If it was just too late for him at that point, if there wasn’t any way to save him that day. I hate thinking about it but I can’t help it. I hate thinking that I will never be able to meet him, to thank him for everything, to tell him how important he is. 

Anyway, I just felt like I needed to do something too, so here’s a digital painting I spent the last two days making. It’s great seeing so much love being spread for Mike, Brad, Rob, Dave and Joe as well as for Talinda and his kids. I can’t even imagine the pain they are going through if some people like me are missing him so bad without having ever met him. 

I know my blog’s a Marvel blog and that some of my followers might be annoyed that I post a lot of stuff about Chester and Linkin Park lately, but you’re gonna have to get used to it. Chester didn’t need a suit of armor or some indestructible shield to be a hero. So he deserves his place on my blog too. I won’t let his memory ever die, even if that’s all I’ve got left of him. 

  ✨💕 🌻 Mental Health Month 2017  Vol. I 🌻 💕 ✨

Hi guys! This month of May is Mental Health Month and postitforward is encouraging bloggers to share their experiences and struggles to other people, inspire and let them know that they’re not alone on whatever problem they’re going through. Postitforward gives bloggers a chance to reach out to others and make this platform into a more friendly community. If you like, you can also participate! Just click here.

 1: Self-care and Personal Well-being

My story (losing my dad):

Before anything else, I just want to share that I was depressed for quite some time. It started when my dad got diagnosed with liver cirrhosis back in 2012. It was very stressful for me because I was away from home and my parents tried everything but nothing seemed to work. My dad wanted me out of it because he didn’t want me to get distracted from school. I was a dormer in high school at that time so access to the phone was very limited. I was far apart from my family. Every time we talked on the phone, I tried so much to sound normal despite the lump on my throat and the tears in my eyes. His time came and I cried almost every night. I couldn’t sleep well but somehow, with the right mix of family and friends, I was able to draw out the sadness in me and channel it into something positive. I took care of myself and became inspired and more determined in everything I do. I did better. Sometimes, I’d still cry about losing my dad but it’s a different kind of feeling than before. I don’t feel lost anymore because I know that there are people who are willing to wipe the tears off my eyes. Nowadays, I like to think that me being able to go through it all meant something bigger and that leaving us was my dad’s last mission on Earth because it was definitely the push I needed to be whom he wanted me to be. // I miss you so much, papa. I’m trying to do better and each day, I’m striving hard to be a better version of myself. I hope you are proud of me. Thank you for everything! 

If you’re going through the same things I did, please feel free to message me if you have any questions especially about coping. I would definitely love to hear from you and try to help you go through it.

100% honest mom thought.

I’m probably gonna get hate for even posting this, but hey, whatever. I’m a damn good mother and I know that. But I’m just gonna say it… Sometimes, I don’t want to ‘mom’. Sometimes I just don’t. Some days I wake up to a whiny crying infant, at 6 am, when the day before she slept until 9 am, and I want to rip my hair out. Sometimes, I just don’t want to sit at home all day with a baby. Sometimes, I just wanna go to the movies with my fiancé, or go to a fun party with friends on a friday night, or god forbid, I want to actually drink MORE than 1 glass of wine on occasion, and actually FEEL a buzz. Sometimes I want to go to bed before midnight, and sleep until 10 am the next day, and make myself a big beautiful breakfast and eat it…. WARM! Wow, what a thought. Some days, I just dont. Want. To. Mom! So shoot me, call me what you want, but that’s how I feel some days! But guess what? That little baby is my world, and I’m gonna keep mom-ing until the day I die! Even if it’s not my favorite thing every second of every day!

Insomnia - Part 1

Description: Camila can’t sleep. One name keeps her awake every night for months. It even did before she left Fifth Harmony. But, if before this name was a nice distraction to her insomnia, now it’s drowning her soul in a nice bath at 12 am. The young woman knows there’s only one way to soothe her pain. So she takes her phone and dials a number she learned by heart: Lauren’s.

Keep reading

The following are the original reports written a few days after the first publicized encounter with the Mothman


Linda Scarberry

We were riding through the TNT Area on a side road by the old Power house building around 12:00 on Tuesday night Nov. 15th, 1966 when we came over this small rise in the road. All at once Steve yelled for us to look at that thing in the road.

I looked up and saw it go around the corner at the old Power House. It didn’t run but wobbled like it couldn’t keep it’s balance. It’s wings were spread just a little. We sat there a few second then Roger took off. I kept yelling for him to hurry. We didn’t even stop for the curves. We got out on Route 62 and was coming down the road and that thing was sitting on the second hill when you come into the 1st bad curves.

As soon as our lights hit it, it was gone. It spread its wings a little and went straight up into the air. When we got the armory it was flying over our car. We were going between 100 and 105 mph down that straight stretch and that thing was just gliding back and forth over the back end of the car. As we got there in front of the lights by the Resort it dived at our car and went away.

I could hear the wings flapping as if to get more speed as it went up. We were all terrified and kept yelling for Roger to go faster. As we came into that straight stretch by C. C. Lewis’ [farm] the thing was over our car again. Then it disappeared as we came into the lights by C. C. Lewis’ gates. We went on downtown and stopped at Dairyland and tried to decide what to do. We just sat there and looked at each other.

I wanted to go to the police but Steve and Roger kept saying they’d just laugh at us. We talked about it awhile and Roger and Steve wanted to go back up the road. Mary and I kept trying to talk them out of it and finally when we go to C. C. Lewis’ gate they decided they didn’t want to go back up so we turned around.

As we were turning we saw a big dead dog laying along the road. When we were almost turned around this thing jumped and leaped over our car and went through the field on the other side of the road. We decided to go to the police then and went down and around Tiny’s Drive-In looking for them. Gary was outside the Drive-In getting ready to take a couple boys home so we told him about seeing this thing and asked him to call the police.

After the police came we went back up the road in our car with Gary and the police about 1 / 2 mile behind us. I saw it then in a pasture field with its wings out a little walking towards the car then it went up in the air and came at the car. As Gary’s car lights came over the rise in the road and the lights shined on it, it disappeared. We went up and down the road looking for it but didn’t see anymore. We went back down to the Drive-In and got in Gary’s car and went back up. We finally found Millard Halstead and got with him and went to the powerhouse building.

We sat there with our lights out for about 15 or 20 minutes when I heard that squeaking sound like a mouse only a lot stronger. A shadow went across the building over on the hill across from us. Mary and I saw the red eyes then and told Millard. He shined the lights right on them without being told where they were. We saw dust coming from the ground or somewhere as Millard moved the spotlight around. We finally left and came to the trailer.

[The Mallette’s] were afraid to go to their apartment so we decided to stay together but we didn’t go to bed. We just turned on all the lights and stayed up. Wednesday we went up again to the building and found these off tracks around the building. Steve was around the boilers by himself and suddenly he came running out white as a sheet yelling for someone. He said he saw it in the boiler.

That night it was seen at Thomas’s so we went up there and Mary and I stayed in the house while Steve and Roger and a few others [bystanders] went looking for it. On the way up I saw it from the highway above the trees gliding back and forth. They searched the area around Thomas’s house but didn’t find anything. We started home around 12:30 and I saw it in one of the maintenance buildings. Mary and I started crying and Roger took off. I kept thinking about that thing following us again but it didn’t.

We went to my mothers’ and I went all to pieces. Roger and my dad took me down to the hospital. I finally got back home and we all stayed together that night again but didn’t go to bed till 3 or 4 o'clock. We were still afraid to go to sleep. The next day Thursday we went back up with reporters and we all heard a clanging noise from inside the building. Roger and Steve and the reporters went back in and found the boiler door open that Steve had shut when he left a few minutes before that. That night we went back up and Mary Hyre and I saw the eyes inside the fenced off place beside the Power house building.

On the way home I saw its eyes back in some trees from the road as the car went past and looked back and could see its form. That is the last time I have seen it. To me it just looks like a man with wings. (It was a dirty grey color.) It has a body shape form with wings on its back that come around it. It has muscular legs like a man and fiery-red eyes that glow when the lights hit it. There was no glowing about it until the lights hit it. I couldn’t see its head or arms. I don’t know if the eyes are even in a head. When we came down the straight stretch by the armory it didn’t even seem like it had any trouble keeping up with us. It must have had very powerful wings.

At no time did this thing fly at us from the front of the car. It stayed over the back end of the car while it was chasing us. It seemed to be afraid of lights but I read in the paper today that it has been seen in the day time in town. That I don’t understand. The prints we found at C. C. Lewis’ gate and at both Powerhouses and at Thomas’s. They looked like 2 horse shes put together but they’re smooth.

I know people are laughing at us but it’s no laughing matter. We’ll never forget this thing. It has affected our lives in many ways. I am keeping going on nerve and sleeping pills. When it gets dark I feel the fear creeping over me. When I go anyplace I automatically look up and out the windows. I am afraid to sleep at night so I lay awake sometimes crying with fear. When I do sleep or go to bed the lights burn all night. Even in the daylight I’m afraid to be by myself. I walk around in my own house expecting to see that thing. I close my eyes day or night and I can see those red fiery eyes staring at me. Every little noise scares me to death.

I can stand in a crowd and hear people talking about us and laughing. People have said we were probably “liquored up” but we were NOT. They go up there expecting to see it but then they say they don’t believe us. We HAVE seen it so we know what to look for and we are constantly looking- not because we want to see it- but because we’re afraid we’ll see it again.

Out of all the phone calls we’ve gotten not one minister has called to help us or try to explain what it is. We all agree we’d like to talk to a minister about it but no one takes us that serious. One minister even laughed and said they’d finally run the devil out of their church and that’s what we saw. We’ve been harassed and laughed at and called crazy. We just can’t go up there and hand it to people on a silver platter like they seem to want us to do. We are never really going to get over our fear until we find out for sure what this thing is. I know I’ll never forget it. I don’t think anyone can who has seen it.


Mary Mallette

The four of us were riding around between 11:30 and 12:00 o'clock Tuesday, November 15th, 1966, when we came in from behind the old powerhouse and as soon as we came up in seeing distance of the power house Steve first seen this thing along the side of the road and it ran to the power house, that is when I first saw this thing which appeared to be a man about 6 feet tall with wings on its back and red eyes 2 inches in diameter and about 6 inches apart.

[The Scarberry’s] also saw this thing at the corner of the power house and we all seemed to be stunned and he took off out the road at a fast speed and as we drove back toward town on RT. 62 we saw this man with wings standing on a bank but I could not see his head and as soon as our lights hit the bank you could see its eyes plainly and it seemed to take off upward very fast, well we all saw that, and Roger the driver speeded down the road and as we speeded down the road on the straight stretch at a speed of 100 or 105 mph the thing glided over top of our car back and forth until we drove into the lights by the armory the thing never once flew in front of our car. It seemed to be afraid of the lights.

We drove down through town and stopped in the lights at about Dairyland to talk and we all discussed it and Linda said, “I think we should go to the police,” but we didn’t. Then we decided to go back. We got as far as [C.C.] Lewis’ gate because we were not really for going back. As Roger turned the car around the lights moved over a large dead dog along the side of the road. As we turned something ran from behind a tree and jumped over top the back of our car and ran out through the field. Then was when we decided we should tell someone.

We went down by Tiny’s Drive-in and Gary and a couple others were just coming out the door so we told him what we had seen. We were all frightened and the first thing he asked us was, “Have you kids been drinking?” and our answer was, “No, we had not been drinking.” So we asked Gary to call the police and he did. We waited on the police and when they arrived we decided that the four of us would go up the road ahead of everyone. So we all did. As we were driving up the road we saw it again in a field and it came up behind us and when Gary ’s lights could be seen behind us the thing left again and we turned at the traffic circle and went back.

Millard Halstead searched the tree tops with his search lights and we all went back to Tiny’s and the four of us got in the car with Gary and went back and in the dark area on the left side of the road I seen two large red eyes and all I could do was point and burst into tears as fright came into me. But none of the other four saw anything there so we turned at the traffic circle again and went back into town and Gary told Millard of our frightening experience and we got into the car with Millard and went back to the power house and sat there with our doors locked and our lights off. We could all see shadows coming over the building and I said I can see those eyes and Millard put the spotlight right on them without asking any direction in which we were looking. Millard turned the lights on and we all seen something looking like dust or smoke.

We seen that twice then we cam back and got Roger’s car and we all went to the trailer. We decided to stay with them that night. We were all so frightened we locked the doors and turned on all the lights and stayed up all night. We went back to the old power house the next day and them and [..?] went with us. The men took their guns and went through the old power house. Roger was on top of the building and Steve was inside looking around and Roger came down to the outside when we heard Steve yell come back here.

Roger came down before anyone else went into the place and he said he opened one of the boiler doors and saw something move upward. Then [..?] came and looked through the old building. We all were looking around the place and found some funny prints like a double hoof print of a horse. Then we all returned home. We stayed together most of the time. About 9:30 that evening we heard that it was seen at Thomas’s so we went directly up there and the men took their guns that night. We saw tracks up there and we went home about 12:30 and we all stayed together that night.

The next day was Thursday and we went back with the T.V. reporters and all the men looked in the building and came back to talk with us when they heard a clang in the building and went back to investigate the noise and one of the doors of the boilers had been opened. That evening we all went back. The reporters from the messenger went up. While they were all looking at the building Linda saw the eyes in a field and Mrs. Hyre also saw the eyes. On the way home right before we got to the Point Pleasant resort I saw it better than I had ever saw it before. I could see the complete outline of it and the eyes but I could not any head.

That time was the most frightening time I had ever saw this. When you see something like this you know you will never forget it. At night you wonder where this man-like creature is and if it will harm you and it is all I seem to think about. And when we go somewhere I can fell someone laughing at me. And I can be in a crowd and hear people say, “Well they were all liquored up,” and God only knows we were not. But all I have heard and seen is news reporters and telephones. I do think I would feel better if a minister would come to talk to us and try to help us get over this fear. There has not been a minister to call us out of all our phone calls or even try to get in touch with us.


Roger Scarberry

Tuesday night about 12 o'clock while riding in the TNT Area we came upon this thing. It was in the shape of a man with wings. This thing stood about 6 feet tall with wings on its back. It was light grey in color, with red eyes about 2 inches in diameter 6 to 8 inches apart. When we came up over a rise in the road in front of the power house Steve saw these large red eyes. He pointed the eyes out to me and when we all looked it was going around the corner of the building. This thing runs awkward with its wings out to its side.

After we stopped and looked at each other I took off out the road toward the highway. When we came to the traffic circle and turned south on 62 we saw it again. It was on the bank on the left side of the road. This is where you could see it the best. But when the car lights shown on it, it moved its wings out to its side and went straight up in the air. We didn’t see it again till we were on the straight road in front of the experiment farm where it came over the car again. I speeded up to 100 mph and it glided over the car till we came to the curve at the armory. Then it was gone. We came on in to town.

This thing must have been afraid of lights because it wouldn’t come in to town. We went downtown and stopped. We wanted to tell the police but we were going to go back up to see for sure that it was still up the road. But when we going up through town we decided we didn’t want to go back up. So I turned around at the gate at the C. C. Lewis farm. When I turned around a dead dog was lying along the road. As I turned and started back down the road this thing came out from behind where the dog was and went over the back of the car and out through the field on the other side of the road.

Then we went down to Tiny’s Drive-in and told Gary what we saw and told him to call the police. When the police got there Gary and the police followed us back up the road where we saw it again. The dog was gone. But when his car came over the hill behind us it was gone. From there we went back to this field but didn’t see it again. So we went down to town. Then we went with the deputy Sheriff back to the power plant and stopped. We sat in the car and saw dust or smoke coming up from the coal yard beside the plant. From there we went back and got in the car and went home.

Next day / Wednesday-The next day we went back to the power plant and looked around where Steve saw it again in a boiler inside the plant. Then Wednesday night it was seen at Thomas’s home in the TNT Area. We went up to Thomas’s home the same night and found a footprint this thing had made.

Thursday-Thursday we went up to the plant with reporters and went through it. While we were inside Steve shuts the boiler door. When we were outside we hear a loud noise. We went back inside and the door was open.

What this thing looked like-it is about 6 feet tall with large wings on its back. It has a shape of a man. It has two red eyes about 2 inches in diameter 6 to 8 inches apart. A wing spread of 10 feet. This thing whatever it is is definitely not a crane or goose or balloon or any of the things it has been called. I have seen it and know what it looks like.

I had forgotten what it feels like
To have a calm mind
A grateful heart

I have spent many nights cursing your name
Picking myself apart
Analyzing the ugly pieces of me underneath a microscope
With hopes of identifying what made me so unlovable in your eyes

I awoke this morning with a new idea
It was not the dark parts of my soul that scared you
Not my sometimes ugly attitude
Or the way I cry myself to sleep some nights

It was the fire in my soul you could not extinguish
It was my thirst to be better
It was loving myself rather than aching for you to love me

Making friends with my demons made yours uncomfortable
like wearing wet bottomed jeans
or soggy socks

Out of the ashes has risen a girl you would no longer recognize
Myself
My love

—  My love | E. Day, 8/2017

Celeborn: I want to know why you never invite me over to visit Rivendell, Elrond?

Elrond: You are my father-in-law. You know you are always welcome.

Celeborn: Gandalf visits quite often, I understand. He always seems to come to Rivendell. Never to Lothlórien or Mirkwood.

Elrond: I do not know why he will not visit Lothlórien, Celeborn, but we all know of Mirkwood. Such darkness lurks within.

Celeborn: Yes, I know. Thranduil can be rather frightening.

Elrond: I was referring to the curse Sauron put upon his kingdom.

Celeborn: So was I.

Thranduil: Yes, I am so horribly cursed with good looks, perfect hair, fabulous clothes, awesome weapons, fierce elven guards defying the laws of physics and an army of elves in golden armor. I have to settle for riding a majestic elk. How can I go on with the curse of being the Elven King of the Woodland Realm? I mean, my son is a Prince! My poor Legolas has to live with the shame of being the son of a king. Why could he not have had an all powerful tree lord for a father? We are cursed to live within a cavernous mountain palace with endless and elaborately carved halls named after me? You are so lucky. Living in a tree with a walking lightbulb that never seems to get electrocuted playing in a bird bath. I cannot tell you how many nights I wish I could cry myself to sleep wishing I had your life. Not your obvious lack of fashion sense. Just your life.

I’m still trying to convince myself that im a better person when I’m high, but the truth always finds a way back to me
And when the drugs are gone, and the day is done I can still feel the sadness lingering.

I wanted a life of substance but I always get lost in the substances.

Shaking, crying, aching for another line
Wanting the rush, the dope, just one more time
Dry mouth, pounding heart, weight loss, just losing another part
Of my soul
Sleepless nights, dizzying heights of high
Dangerous decisions, damaged minds.

And coming down feels a lot like when you left
Sweating, bawling, temper short
Puking, tremors, a sickness I cant thwart
Sleeping 20 hours, trying to heal
Sometimes i just can’t deal

And I can lie to myself until the very end
Until my final moments come and go around the bend
But the truth is,
I’ll just never make amends.

anonymous asked:

Have you ever loved someone ? If so how did if feel ? How do you know it's really love ? How much did it hurt ?

have i ever loved someone, yes, i have, not too long ago. how does it feel? it feels like everything you’d ever dream of and so much more, it feels like the calm of listening to the rain tap on your windows, it feels like the 5 am sunrise in you favorite place, it feels like butterflies in your belly, it feels like you’re dreaming because it seems way too good to be reality, it feels like you could conquer anything and everything, its one of the best feelings I’ve ever experienced. how did i know it was real? i knew it was real because, everything that happened to me i couldn’t wait to tell her every little detail, when i woke up in the morning the first thing i wanted to do was roll over and see her absolutely beautiful face, calm and sleeping, one of the best sights I’ve ever seen, falling asleep in her arms, it felt like i couldn’t be safer anywhere else. i knew it was real because it felt so raw, every emotion. i knew it was real because when i looked at her i saw the world, i saw my future, my wife, my life. i knew it was real because she meant everything to me and i give up everything i had if it meant having one more day with her. how much did it hurt? it still hurts to this day, our song comes on and i cry, i see pictures of us and i want it back, i wish for the memories, for the way that things were, i wish or the days where we just laid in each others arms and nothing else matters, i still cry myself to sleep sometimes, it still feels like my heart is broken, it feels like I’m empty, and that something is missing and i know thats because she’s no longer in my life. i don’t look at the sunset the same, or starry nights, or snow days, i don’t listen to the same music, or love the color green, i don’t like to look into peoples eyes bc i compare them to how her beautiful brown eyes looked. so to answer your question how much did it hurt? more than you’ll ever know, but its the only kind of hurt worth going through.

You know, I don’t understand when people tell me to just “ignore them” or “walk away” when I encounter bigots and terfs, both online and in real life. Yes, arguing with these people is usually frustrating, triggering, annoying, and painful. It taxes my mental health. But I can’t just let them go without any repercussions every time.

Yeah, I do take my mental health into consideration and sometimes I do walk away. But rarely.

I don’t just do it for my own benefit. I don’t do it to make myself feel better. I do it for my trans siblings.

For the black trans men and women and nonbinary people who have an even higher chance of violence committed towards them or being murdered, because with my white privilege I am less likely to be killed.

For the closeted trans kids who have to sit by while they listen to their shit parents talk about trans people like they’re monsters and cry themselves to sleep at night for fear of being ostracized.

For the disabled trans people who are ignored and looked down upon simply because they are considered childlike or unable to make their own desicions, even though they can identify their gender just like any able bodied person.

For the mentally ill people who are too traumatized to subject themselves to constant scrutiny, and are stereotyped into having a “transgender mental illness”.

I do it for my brothers, my sisters, and my nonbinary siblings. And I will continue to do so until they are safe. No matter how long that takes.

We back to home!|05.01.2017.

Hi there! What’s up? :)

We got back to home the day before yesterday, but I did’t have time to post something, I think you understand.
However, I’m here now, Henry is asleep, and I can write.

First I want to say thank you very much for all the congratulations! It’s very nice, and we appreciate it.
Our 6-days-old babe does very well. He is a calm boy, and doesn’t cry much.
Nights with the baby are not so easy, I mean, we don’t get enough sleep. I get up about 5-6 times at night to feed the him (sometimes, I get really tired, so Jean goes to him myself and give milk from milkpump).
But I’ve been through this with the girls already, so I’ll overcome it! :)

Well,  he is like like a normal newborn does: eats and sleeps usually.
He get up every two hours, for get a milk.
In one of my answers I told how the girls met Henry (I’ll show the pics later separately). Basically, Mary most often with him. Even when he is sleeping, she sits nearby and can read to him something. Seriously, that’s too cute! ;–;

And yes, I didn’t even have a 40 weeks update, because he was born right on time! April 25th, right that day, as the doctor told us :)

Tomorrow my friend and his godmother will come to get acquainted with him. Her daughter will come too, to play with the twins and of course, see Henry. So, expect new post in the soonest time!

It was all for today!
Have a wonderful day/night,

Emotional Abuse Is Still Abuse

I’ve made some posts about this before, but as I’ve just recently been put in a position where I was forced to relive some of my emotional abuse, I decided it was time to make a new post about a factor of emotional abuse I have not previously talked about. And before I start, I would like to make it quite clear that I am in no way discrediting any other type of abuse. I am just speaking from the heart about my personal experience with the type of abuse I have experienced.

Emotional abuse is often made out to be solely in the victim’s mind, because emotional evidence is apparently not the same as physical evidence. You can’t see the scars left by emotional abusers because they are emotional. I can’t pull my sleeve up to reveal bruises or cuts. But I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and cry myself back to sleep because of the mental scars that my emotional abuser gave to me.
For years I tried to get out of my abusive situation, but as I was a child and had no physical evidence of my abuse, few people believed me. And those few that did couldn’t do anything about it.
Once I hit 10, though, and started getting extreme panic attacks to the point of not being able to leave the house, people started to take notice. It took me years of therapy and coping techniques to even start to get better. And even though I’m doing much better now, after years of trying to cope, I still get panic attacks and depression and cry in the middle of the night when there’s no one to hear me. Which brings me to my main point: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

It wasn’t until very recently that I identified my symptoms as C-PTSD. I always knew that some of it must be related to my abuse, but I blamed most of it on genetics, as my family has a history of mental illness, and I did have the anxiety disorder when I was very young before the abuse affected me too much. But recently I was put in a situation where I was forced to face my abusive past, and I had a panic attack so bad I could’ve been ten again. Not to mention the flashbacks and depression that came with it. I talked to someone I’m very close to about it and she related the episode to a fictional character with PTSD.
After that conversation I did some research on PTSD, and I realized that so many of the things I’d learned to live with, so many of the things I’d convinced myself were just in my mind, were really symptoms of (complex) post traumatic stress, which was something I had convinced myself I couldn’t have because I was not physically abused.
Physical abuse is a horrible, horrible thing, I am in no way discrediting this. But emotional abuse is just as valid, and can cause some of the same mental and emotional problems, and in our society I feel that that is something that is often overlooked. We teach victims of mental and emotional abuse that their experiences are invalid because they can’t show you a scar that’s on their body to prove that they’re in pain.
So if anyone ever opens up to you and tells you that they have been abused, in any way shape or form, don’t question them, don’t make them show you proof, or explain their experiences if they don’t want to. Because if they opened up to you and told you that they were abused, that means that they trust you. So just listen to them, and believe them. Because chances are that’s something they rarely, if ever, get.

anonymous asked:

okay but sometimes when i'm in bed at night i remember louis' outfit at the last concert of otra,Sheffield (wrong)...i remember his grey jumper and his collarbones and his sweater paws and skinny jeans that he never wears anymore and how good they made his body look and I remember his fringe and I remember his ankles and how he got to show off his triangle ... and then I cry myself to sleep. don't you? here's the message you didn't get :) I was having a moment okay lol

THE SWEATER FROM HELL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  *screetches*

Originally posted by louisotrat

Originally posted by louisotrat

Originally posted by knightchanges

Originally posted by louisdragsmedown

5

“I’ve just been, uh…thinking…a lot lately.”
“About what?”
“I don’t know…everything. Can I tell you something?”
“Shoot.”
“I like guys, and I like girls. Pretty much anyone in between. That’s probably not news to you. But you wanna know how I first found that out?”
“I dunno, do I?”
“It was my parents’ fault. Well…mostly my dad’s. He was always too hard on me. They sent me to bootcamp when I was 13. To discipline the bad out of me. My first kiss was with a boy there…Charlie. He was the only thing that made that place tolerable…he made it worse, too, though. Not him, but…the bullying, getting beat up for it…getting called every possible slur, every dehumanizing thing you can imagine. I called home most nights crying…cried myself to sleep. Always crying.”
“Santi…”
“Sometimes I still think that was the worst time in my life…but then…”
“What?”
“Hey, uh…where’s Fiona? Is she here?”
“No, she spends the weekends at my mother’s…why?”
“You wanna take a drive? Let’s go somewhere. Anywhere.”

Hey, just a little “stay strong” kind of submission. My daddy lives in Australia, I’m from the middle east which makes 14,000 km away from each other. I don’t need to tell you how difficult it is, how scary it is, how lonely and how hopeless it feels sometimes… But listen to me, it’s all baby steps. After over a year of working hard, dealing with stress, the military (!), crying myself to sleep, hoping, loving each other.. We did it and he was right there, holding my juicebox for me. I could touch him, I could smell him, my daddy was right there. And let me tell you, the hard work pays off. It really does. Falling asleep on his chest with his fingers running through my hair was worth every lonely night. Just keep going, okay? Just keep going and keep dreaming and keep looking forward. Don’t lose hope, little one. You’ll get there soon ♥

Daddy and I are now married and will see each other again in 80 days, and then when we’re back home we’ll start the process of moving me to Australia. It’s a crazy journey but having this account and other littles to share it with really helps and I just want to say if anyone ever needs to talk to someone who’s been there and understands, you can always message me at @bigcl0uds and even send me anonymous asks if you’re a little shy.
Stay storng, little angels! Distance is a meanie but you will kick it’s butt ♥



OMG HI! lol thank you so much for sharing this lovely story!! I love your blog and have been following it forever!

Always and Forever- Chapter 4

Jungkook x Reader ( Mayze) warlock x vampire AU

genre: Angst x Fluff x Smut

Chapter 3 Chapter 5


December 29th 2017

He took a small red box and placed in her hands, then he opened it. “ I know you already have one, but I wanted to make a new daylight ring for you, a better one. It will increase your speed, strength and healing process and all your other abilities. I also added some moonstone dust to protect you inner wolf. You can say that is both daylight and moonlight ring." 
He slowly took the ring and put it on her finger. It was perfect for her but in his eyes she was the most beautiful and elegant person he ever met. She was the definition of perfection.


January 2nd 2018

She walks inside with a bright smile on her face thinking about him and the ring but then something inside her cracked at the thought of failing Hoseok. 
"Nice ring. He proposed? Already?” Hoseok exclaimed in fake cheered voice. “Are you already whoring around?” He narrowed her with his sharp eyes, pinning her in place. She wasn’t afraid but she somehow couldn’t move. 
“I did not sleep with him” She suddenly finds herself confess. “Good” He replies taking a step closer to her, only to make her take a step back. 
“You are not afraid of me now, are you?” He looks down at her pretending to feel sad for her only to hide the anger he felt building inside. “Do you regret it?”
“No, cause I didn’t cheat on you”. She said pushing past him and walked deeper into the house. 
“Emotionally you did! You stink of him” He raised his voice to the point of yelling the pronoun. “Emotionally? What are you talking about? I did nothing wrong .And on top of that you have no right to throw this shit at me while you walk around missing her! Are you both having a story together aren’t you? She is the one that left you, right? Why aren’t you trying to fix it?” His eyes widen as he was getting angrier; he felt the blood pump faster through his veins his pale skin now showing purple marks underneath. “You have no right to talk about her like that!” He fired back. 
“I said nothing bad about her! She is someone I don’t even know!” Hoseok grabbed her shoulders and pulled her closer to him. Her eyes shifter to a yellow color, revealing her hybrid nature. “He is nothing and he will bring only pain upon you” He breathed close to her ear in a terrifying slow peace, pronouncing every word with a sadistic aura . “How could you say that you loved me so easily? You little liar." His deep voice rang in her ears. Every cell in her body was telling her to run away from him but she could not bring herself to do so.
"I did not lie” She whispered pushing herself out of his grip. “ I do love you just that not in the way  you want me to. And this has been tormenting me for months. I would never bring myself to let you go because I care about you so damn much. You gave me so much to hold on to and I became who I am because you’ve helped me. I know you don’t love me either because you love her. I was just a temporary person that covered the spot that she had. You wanted me to be her but I am not.” At this point the tears were running on her cheeks. Her state made his heart break even more because she couldn’t see how much she means to him. How was he supposed to breath without air? She was going to take everything from him and he was going to let her do so.“I know you cared about me but we can’t confuse that for true love. I know I betrayed you but I can’t fake it anymore. Even if what I may or may not have with him would fail, I still want to try and also I have to push you towards love.”

"To push me towards love ? What kind of excuse is that ? You did it for yourself. You did not replace her. You had a different place in my heart from the very beginning. I should have know from the moment you were forced to marry me that we won’t last. I built up empty dreams based on lies. I let you enter deep in my soul, in my being and now it fucking hurts , so much that it makes me want to rip out my heart.” He grabbed her shoulders again and squeezed them hard. 
“I can’t say that I’ll let you go since I never had you in the first place. Just be happy. That’s all I want for you. And make him happy too, even though I can’t stand him right now, he seems to be a nice guy. And if you want, please ask him to undo the spell that bonded us together.”

 "I did not lie. I do love you but not in the way you want, not in the way you love her.“ She placed her palms on his cheeks, caressing his skin with her thumbs. "I don’t want you to hate me. I never ever lied about what I wanted to build with you. Sometimes we just sometimes confuse love for something else. I hated you at the beginning because you were too good to me and there wasn’t a thing I could hate about you. I woke up at night and looked at your sleeping figure telling myself that what I feel for Jungkook will fade away. I didn’t see him for few weeks now.” She started crying even harder when he wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on her shoulder.
“I wish I would have been able to stop him from coming here. But maybe it was fate that played the game and brought him here.” She pushed herself away and placed a hand on his heart “ Fate brought  her pack closer as well” His eyes widen then steps back from her and turns to pour himself some scotch. “Why don’t you try and fix what you have with her?” She asked wiping her cheeks and her nose with the back of her hand.
“Why do you keep wanting me to be with her? To feel better for your having a new boyfriend?” He yelled turning his whole body and throwing the glass at her. The liquid spilled on the floor and the class broke at the impact with the wall , passing right next to her head. She didn’t flinch , she just turned around and walked out the door.


She went back to Jungkook’s place whom she missed very much the past days but she couldn’t bring herself to cause him even more harm. Because she loved him more than anything else she wanted to be able to give herself completely to him, no more hiding. Of course he would accept her back with his arms wide open because there was no dimension he’d would be able to live if she was not there too. As they were in the kitchen trying to put together a meal for Jungkook, he moved towards the counter she was sitting on and places his hands on each side of her face, his hips pressing against her knees, forcing her to open her legs for him.

“What are you doing?” She whispers “Well, you were looking at me like you wanted me to kiss you.” His brown eyes become heavy-lidded. “So I was thinking I might do that.“ A smile broke its way through her face and she jumped down from her place on his table running away from him ” Only if you catch me" His head dropped and his shoulders beginning to shake as he was cracking out, he then turned around and ran up the stairs towards his bedroom. She was waiting for him in front of the bed with a huge smile on her face. Jungkook’s arms shoot out and jumped, making her body fall on the bed with him on top. His fingers started tickling her sides earning a fit of giggles to come out from her mouth. When she became almost breathless he leaned closer to her pressing his lips against the soft spot on her neck, trailing his way upwards, towards her jaw and finally her lips. The kiss was slow, allowing them to savor each other’s taste. He had both of his hands pressed against the crown of her head as his weight was supported on his elbows. 
“I’d like to kiss you again” He confessed. 
“I think I’d like that too”.

He bent down his lips against her cheek, brushing it lightly and still that light touch sent shivers through her nerves, shivers that made her whole body tremble. “If you want me to stop, tell me now,” he whispered slowly in her ear; but she didn’t say anything. That was the moment when he brushed his mouth against the hollow of her temple. “Or you could tell me now.” But still no answer. He traced the line of her cheekbone finally reaching her lips. “Or now.” His lips were against hers.
But she still didn’t say anything; instead she had reached up and pulled him down to her. He kissed her gently, carefully. Her fingers grip his hair, pulling him closer. She have never wanted anyone like this before. Ever.
He groaned softly, low in his throat, and then his arms circled her, gathering her against him. Everything was moving so slow and they were happy now, cuddling in the cozy bed, food long forgotten.

 "I’ve always seen you, Jungkook. From the moment you found me, I’ve seen nothing but you.“
"Oh,  Mayze.” He rubbed his cheek against her damp face. “I must’ve wished for you so hard and so often you had no choice but to come true. We still have much more to overcome”. He then pressed his red soft lips against hers and moved them slowly, allowing their tongues to slowly fight for dominance. She loved the way he kissed her, as if he had to, as if he’d go crazy if he didn’t and had nearly waited too long. He in fact did wait quite some time for her. His hand moved under her dress, lifting it up her thighs and pressing his fingers firmly against her exposed skin. “I’m an animal with you,” he murmured. “I want to mark you. I want to possess you so completely there’s no separation between us."He pressed his forehead against hers, sticking his tongue out and seductively licking ,what was remaining of ,her taste off his lips. Her hand touched his cheek knowing that he wanted to make love to her but couldn’t because she wasn’t free yet. 
"I can make the spell if you’d like” he suddenly broke the silence. 
“I didn’t want you involved in this but I know you would get mad if you weren’t the first person I’d ask for help. I will ask you this. Will you find me a witch that is willing to help?"His lips formed a pout and he pecked her lips again before answering. "I will.”

His heart was beating fast. He wanted to make her only his. He knew the perfect witch to do the spell, all he need was her blood and Hoseok’s blood, but he assumed it wasn’t that hard since he already told Mayze to break the spell. Just a few more days she will be free, free to be his, free to love him, free from hiding. In that rush of thoughts he pressed his lips against hers once more, grabbing and squeezing one of her thighs. He wanted to kiss it, he wanted to touch her more. He was craving to have her; to spend everyday with her, to enjoy her presence, to make her happy and see her smiling. But he had to wait till that thing will happen and so he pulled back and sat on the edge of bed. “I’ll talk to a witch I know. I’m sure she will help you.”


Kim household

Namjoon was pacing through the big living room, his expensive leather shoes making an annoying sound against the white marble.  Seokjin sat on a white velvet sofa with golden flower-shaped edges. On the coffee table was placed, perfectly in the center, a silver tray containing three golden cups filled with fresh blood. The massive gold frames were drawing the attention to them rather than the paintings, baroque, recreating biblical scenes. The crystal chandelier hanging from the center of the room over ten meters high illuminates the entire room.

His distant eyes followed the annoying movements of his husband.

“You are extremely tempestuous this evening. Would you like a cup of tea rather than the blood? I can get Marie to fetch you some” Seokjin spoke before taking his glass and drinking some of the delicious blood.

“ How can you be so calm? She is going to affiliate herself with that man rather than her husband whom I chose!” He stopped moving right in front of the stairs  and sitting on the third one.

„Maybe that is the problem Father, you should let her be with whoever she likes. You can’t command to the heart” Jimin expressed his opinion about the situation between Mayze and Hoseok. „ Also affiliate? He isn’t a bad influence and you know it” He continued and reached out for his glass before being interrupted by Taehyung. His entrance was going to make any dead wake up. He almost ripped the doors to the mansion.

“ I may or may not invited a werewolf princess in this town that may or may not be the only sister that Yoongi has and that is coming here with her pack” The announcement makes Namjoon stand from the stairs and grab Taehyung by the collar of his navy blue silk shirt.

“ How can you be such an idiotic prince? Too bad my family problems are greater and bigger than some friends you have over” He dropped the younger and walked towards the sofa where Seokjin  was. “ Well we can invite them to a party this weekend. We have a divorce to celebrate right?” Seokjin said having every intention to irritate Namjoon to the point he was going to snap. This kind of reactions were such a turn on for the elegant male. “ You like to push my limits, right honey?” He fired back earning a puppy look from his husband. “ Always and forever” Seokjin rolled those words off his tongue as he stood up and made a sign to Jimin to follow him in the garden.


Through the dense forest, a feminine figure was getting closer to the city. The black dress had its feathers torn, and the bare feet sank into the wet ground, covered with dry leaves, leaving a trail behind it. The white wolf walked to her right foot, his gaze watching every movement around them. Her shiny brown hair was falling on her naked shoulders, occasionally disturbed by the breeze in the forest. She needed to see him.