something i just told myself

okay but what about this: simon gets amnesia and forgets all about his relationship with jace except instead of it being angsty he’s just super shocked and amazed that he’s married to this hot piece of ass like the dude in this video???? like wow!!!!!! this beautiful stoic angel is his husband? and he’s feeding simon ice chips so his throat doesn’t hurt? and smiling at simon like he’s the best thing in the universe??????? wow!! wow

I spent the majority of the last ~7 years wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. Everyone was always so obsessed with having crushes, being in a romantic relationship, and having sex. I didn’t get it. I couldn’t relate. I understood, at the time, it was generally something people were supposed to want? I always just told myself I was a’ late bloomer’ and I just didn’t like anyone at my school.

I played off any disinterest in sex as me keeping a promise to my mom about waiting until I finished high school.

My first boyfriend was at 17. He understood that I didn’t want sex and he said he wouldn’t pressure me. That he’d wait. He didn’t. He cheated on me. There are a lot of people like that. It’s okay to feel hurt by them, but don’t let them torment your life. The best way to move on from that is to cut them out of your life and start over.

I started hanging out with my friends more after that. I ended up accepting one of said close friends as a romantic partner. Things were bumpy. We broke up a couple times and got back together. Slowly we learned to communicate better. What we wanted. What we didn’t want. What we were comfortable with.

Including the first time we started dating, it’s been nearly six and a half years. Our current run through has been going on for over 3 solid years. We’re better. We’re happy together. We’re comfortable, and when we’re not, we talk about it. It’s not impossible to love someone or for them to love you. Sometimes you just have to test the waters for a bit before realizing what you want. Even if you’re uncomfortable being touched in any way (like me), there are people out there who are willing to love in any way that you’re comfortable with. If that means just hanging out, making stupid jokes, and occasionally going out in the world together, then so be it. It’s still very possible to be happy and comfortable with another person even if you’re aspec.

Went to pick up my car from the garage after having a free emissions test (it’s a diesel VW and needed it after the emissions scandal), only to then be told my car will need about £800 worth of work done on it in the near future. I knew it needed some work done to it anyway but come on!!! Like for fuck sake! I’m tired of this shit. Tired of working my ass off at a job I hate to basically survive. I wanna move out, I wanna go on trips with my girlfriend, I wanna buy new clothes and nice shit. Yet I never fucking can because it’s just one financial fuck up after another.

Im just feeling frustrated now. Sorry. I needed to rant. I’m going the gym despite having no energy. Fuckkkkkkkkk!

I… just told my mum about how I’m not feeling well after keeping it all bottled up for years…

Pet peeve: when people don’t use someone’s preferred name. Call them what they introduce themselves with, unless they give you permission otherwise. If someone’s name is Margaret but they go by Maggie, call them Maggie. Don’t call them Margaret to be more formal or “polite.” Don’t call them Marge because you like that name better. Call someone the way they want to be called.

(I give some leeway to people who met someone when they went by a different name. If Maggie went by Marge when she was a kid, a lot of childhood friends probably still call her that. If she’s okay with that, cool. If not, don’t be stubborn. This doesn’t apply to trans people’s deadnames, of course!)

  • Crush: I love you
  • Me in my head: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH YOUR EXSISTANCE MAKES MY LIFE SO MUCH MORE ENJOYABLE I'M SO GRATEFUL WE WERE BORN IN THE SAME CENTURY I NEVER THOUGHT I'D WALK THE SAME EARTH AS SOMEONE AS HEAVENLY AS YOU I'M SO DISGUSTINGLY IN LOVE WITH YOU
  • What I actually say: stop being gay
8
“What is this?! They froze in mid-air...”
“So you made it this far... Though I knew you would.”

I want to apologize to deliver such emotions to you guys in that last post.

I just feeling awful that I can’t gave you the best thing due to my absent of skills…practices …and such.

sometimes it comes and other times it just went out of my control, I hated when I CAN’T control the quality everytime I draw something.

I told myself this is just a depression, it’ll pass.

so no MORE stuff like this one, I promise! 

Tomorrow will be a better day, and I’ll hand you with something delightful!

Chris.exe rebooting…

8

Samantha Barks on reality shows like I’d do Anything:
“The tricky thing is they have to make a TV show above all else. Although it’s nice to think that everyone can just get up there and sing their favourite song every week, the producers need to highlight the drama that happens underneath. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying anything about these shows is fixed, but I also want to make it clear that not everything is going to be fair… If something happened to me that I didn’t like, I just told myself not to think about that. If a song or a costume wasn’t right, I just said I’d look past that. In the end, I believe who’s supposed to win, will win.”

My book was accepted for the proposal stage of publishing

And they ask: how can you promote your book?

And I was like: “er…I have a tumblr blog with 18000 followers? At least some of them might buy it and read it…?”

My name is Christine, I’m 19 years old, and I’m pansexual. This is something that actually took me a long time to admit because of countless reasons. When I was growing up I always knew I felt the same way about everyone, regardless of their gender, but I thought this was something everyone experienced. I told myself that everyone had these feelings, they just didn’t talk about it and sunk into a heterosexual life because it was easy and what you were supposed to do. So I labeled myself as straight and laughed away people’s lesbian or bisexual comments about me (guess I was never very good at hiding it?). I was so dedicated to this heterosexual label I had placed on myself, I made sure everyone knew I was straight. If I caught myself over-complimenting a female (or anyone not strictly male), I’d quickly joke about how it could be interpreted the wrong way and how women can freely compliment people without seeming non-straight. This went on until I reached college and realized I was telling some of the people I was closest to (and didn’t strictly identify as straight themselves) a lie about my core identity. So I decided it was time to figure things out and stop lying to myself and everyone I love/care about. I went through with this and told my closest friends and my sister late last year, and honestly it feels good to be able to openly talk about it and not make excuses. I haven’t told everybody (not even close) and I probably never will, but this past year has been really big for me and days like today (Pan-Visibility Day) are the things that keep me going and accepting myself and my identity. So to all you others out there hiding or questioning yourselves just do you and find you happiness one step at a time (or just do a complete slide down into freedom whatever suits you bro). 

Update

So I just got out of hospital (well a few hours ago) & I feel so like, ready. Ready to recover & put this behind me. But I’m also petrified because I don’t know how long this positivity will last.
I’ve also been officially diagnosed with BPD. Something I told myself for months that I just made up to feel better & now it’s real, & I have it & I’m scared as fuck because I have to live with this forever.