someone take me out so i can wear my dress

Getting Caught In The Shops...

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been dressing up for years or if you started yesterday; we’ve all had the same fear. The fear that the cashier knows you’re really buying the dress for yourself, that those heels look dangerously your size and not your ‘girlfriends’, that it’s strange that a man would spend ages looking for something simple - as though he was browsing.

Some of us (myself included) have grown out of this fear, but that doesn’t mean we’ve never experienced it, or ever been caught in fact. However, sometimes being caught does more good than bad, but I’ll explain that later.

So, here are some of my favourite tips that I (used to) use to not draw suspicion to myself when looking for dresses/underwear/heels etc:

1. “It’s for my girlfriend” 

The easiest and most common trick in the book, and I feel it doesn’t need that much of an explanation; just pretend it’s for your ‘girlfriend’. This is easier to pull off when you don’t have anyone with you because then they can only imagine what size your ‘girlfriend’ is.

Pros

  • Can get away with buying nearly anything, provided you’re alone.
  • Easily believable.

Cons

  • Going-on about your ‘girlfriend’ too much will look suspicious.
  • Retail Assistants aren’t stupid. Some will figure out that you and your girlfriend are similar sizes.

2. “Help me I’m stupid and don’t know how to do girl’s clothes”

Another common one, especially useful when browsing. It’s not right to stereotype, but let’s face it some are true, and men very rarely know how to browse for clothes. This is perfect though, as you can simply play the role of a typical man who doesn’t know the difference between peplum and skater. 

First, make sure you write down your measurements and what style of dress/skirt/whatever you want. This will come in useful for later.

Ask a Retail Assistant to help you find a dress/underwear/heels/whatever. Don’t give away too much information at once (who it’s for/their size/what they like), just say you’re looking for a dress/skirt/whatever in a certain colour/style. Chances are the Retail Assistant will ask the extra questions. This is when you pull out your note from earlier with all the details, and simply read it out to them. This all adds to the idea that you have no idea what you’re doing and you’re just doing the shopping for someone else.

Alternative Method: Go in the shop once and take a picture of what you want. Return to the shop later and show the Retail Assistant the picture. They’ll simply assume you’ve been sent on an errand.

Pros

  • Much lower risk of getting caught, especially if you do it right.
  • Allows you to browse without risk, plus Retail Assistants generally give good advice.

Cons

  • Very time consuming, especially if you already know what you want.
  • Not for the prideful.

3. “Yep, those heels are for me. The dress as well”

Here’s a method which I learnt a long time ago: simply being honest. I’ll walk you through how I discovered how it works:

I was buying a pair of heels with Moon. You might have already guessed that we don’t share the same shoe size (I’m size 9, she’s something like 5) but we were hoping the Sales Assistant wouldn’t notice. Funnily enough when we get to the checkout, the cashier looks at the size and then at Moon’s feet, quickly adding “I think there’s been a mistake, these shoes look way too big for you dear.”

Without missing a beat, and definitely before Moon could speak (because she would definitely try to think of an excuse which most likely wouldn’t make sense) I replied “That’s because they’re for me.”

Sounds like a nightmare right? Being caught trying to buy clothes and getting exposed, horrible right? 

WRONG

You can make up any story you like, as long as it involves you wearing the clothes. My favourites include:

  • Stag party
  • Genderswap party
  • Charity act

As long as you don’t give specifics, you can get away with it. I’ve even had occasions in the past where Sales Assistants have offered to let me try on the clothes before I buy

Pros

  • No lying involved, so suspicion flies out the window.
  • The Sales Assistant can help you more if they know it’s for you.
  • No-one really cares if the dress is for you.

Cons

  • Ironically, can take a lot of balls, especially the first time.
  • You might be unlucky and run into someone narrow-minded. This won’t really make a difference except for maybe a snide remark.

Added Bonus: I’m now at a point where I can straight up tell a Sales Assistant I’m buying dresses for myself without feeling the need to explain it.

So What One Do I Use?

Whichever one you feel most comfortable with. I started at 1, moved on to 2 and then eventually got used to 3. It doesn’t really matter as long as you get what you went shopping for. In some shops I’ve genuinely said “I’m a crossdresser, so what’s gonna make me look pretty?”. So far, I’ve had no trouble, just the occasional question.

Sorry again for the lengthy post, but if you need any reason to shop in-person rather than online, just remember that some of the best outfits come from browsing through racks, not webpages. For example:

Everything in that outfit: the dress, the heels, what’s underneath, I bought them all from a shop, not online. It’s one of the my favourite outfits and I would have never got it by simply searching online.

Hope this has helped some of you! Just give it a try once in a while and you’ll get used to shopping the right way!

Any questions? Feel free to drop me a message! :)

-Jessica Blaise x x

a hella long list of random lyric sentence starters
  • "I'm insecure and I care what people think."
  • "We're stressed out."
  • "Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol' days."
  • "Wake up, you need to make money."
  • "You used to make me feel like I could walk on water."
  • "You're the reason why I can't listen to the same songs I used to."
  • "I write songs about you all the time."
  • "I bet I don't run through your mind."
  • "I've given up on you.
  • "It still hurts to know you're not alone."
  • "Lately, my dog's the only one around that listens to my problems."
  • "It's been a lonely year."
  • "I'm just happy being with you."
  • "Quietly, quietly, the two of us are entangled."
  • "You don't realize the way I am."
  • "This silent love leaves a silent scar."
  • "I don't feel anything when I look at your face."
  • "That's nothing compared to what I had done in the past."
  • "Wild horses couldn't drag me away."
  • "You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress."
  • "Please remember me, fondly."
  • "We'll meet again."
  • "Fuck the man."
  • "I heard from someone you're still pretty."
  • "And when the morning came I was ashamed. Only now it seems so silly."
  • "Never meant to last."
  • "An angel kissin' on a sinner."
  • "Girls like girls like boys do."
  • "Always gonna steal your thunder."
  • "Imma take your girl out."
  • "Don't tell me what I feel."
  • "Kissed your girls and made you cry, boys."
  • "Tell me if you feel it, too."
  • "Hello there, the angel from my nightmare."
  • "We can live like Jack and Sally if we want."
  • "I would ask for advice, but I just do what I like."
  • "You're a waste of my time."
  • "I smoke cause I'm stressed. I try to get high, but it gets me depressed."
  • "I've fallen for her, more than once."
  • "My daddy is dead, I've got no man to follow."
  • "And I know that I'm shallow, but why shouldn't I be?"
  • "I don't want any trouble, it just chooses to find me."
  • "I've been thinkin' about fallin' in love."
  • "I've been thinkin' about you."
  • "I’m afraid somebody else might take my place."
  • "All my friends always lie to me."
  • "You’re too mean, I don’t like you."
  • "Fuck you anyway."
  • "You make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs."
  • "You make me wanna die."
  • "Keep on dreaming, don’t stop breathing, fight those demons."
  • "I got a hunger and it won't go away."
  • "I want it all to remind me of the first time."
  • "I think I like you, but it's complicated."
  • "It's always better when we're together."
  • "You look so pretty sleeping next to me."
  • "I belong with no one."
  • "You belong with me."
  • "Run off to school like a good drama queen."
  • "Do you care where you're going, or know where you've been?"
  • "Our faith is placed in second chances."
  • "You're the star of the story you don't care about."
  • "Just a little girl in a bigger world turning upside-down."
  • "You keep it all inside so that nobody knows."
  • "All these boys are thirsty for your outsides."
  • "You never care to ever let the right ones in."
  • "Baby, I'll carry you all the way home."
  • "I just wanna love you, dear."
  • "I understand you, just take my hand."
  • "I found God. I found him in a lover."
  • "He's off to pay his crimes and he's got no time for mine."
  • "It's tearing me apart."
  • "It's ruining everything."
  • "Were you lying all the time?"
  • "Was it just a game to you?"
  • "You know I'm such a fool for you."
  • "You got me wrapped around your finger."
  • "I thought the world of you."
  • "I thought nothing could go wrong, but I was wrong."
  • "It was always me and you."
  • "This body is yours."
  • "Your mess is mine."
  • "Luck be on my side tonight."
  • "You're the reason that I feel so strong."
  • "You still make sense to me."
  • "Boy, look the other way."
  • "That's not the way that friends behave."
  • "I always knew that I would love you from afar."
  • "She's got darling hazel eyes."
  • "It shouldn't come as a surprise."
  • "Why do you go wasting your time on me?"
  • "I'm eager to please."
  • "I'm scared that you’re gonna slip away."
  • "I don’t think she knows how she changed all my plans."
  • "You act like you don't know me."
  • "My god, you tempt my anxious mind."
  • "We are bitter losers, snarling through our smiles."
  • "We are wild."
  • "We’re fucked, but we say that we’re fine."
  • "We long for journeys and the roadside."
  • "Every little thing made me miss you more."
  • "I'm just trying to make a getaway to you, and I'd have gone a thousand miles more."
  • "And I looked at you, you were so damn cute."
  • "I know you're thinking of me."
  • "You're everything that I hoped for."
  • "I'm all the shit that you go for."
  • "Stop kidding yourself now."
  • "I never found a way to let you know."
  • "I also never found a way to let you go."
  • "Right now I’m feeling rough."
  • "Come settle in with me."
  • "I will not open myself up this way again."
  • "Feels like I don't know you."
  • "I've strayed from who it was that you knew."
  • "You were trying to make it work."
  • "You were sleeping in my shirt
  • "Sometimes things don't come full circle."
  • "I was hoping that you cared."
  • "I was distant, I was scared."
  • "There's no way to go back now."
  • "Just love me when you can."
  • "I'll wait patiently."
  • "I'll wake up every day just hoping that you still care."
  • "Surely even I deserve the best."
  • Just when I believe you've changed for good, you go and prove me wrong just like I knew you would."
  • "When I run out of second chances, you give me that look
  • and you're off the hook."
  • "Oh, what am I still doing here?"
  • "It ain't right to just love me when you can."
  • "Slow down, you are out of control."
  • "One of us is right, and one of us is wrong."
  • "It could be so easy if it didn't feel so wrong."
  • "What if I was younger?"
  • "I never should have asked, it was a long time ago."
  • "There's things I wish I knew."
  • "We're a million miles away."
  • "With you, my dear, I'm safe."
  • "You will be gone and I won't see you anymore."
  • "You left my love on the line and said that you were leaving."
  • "I saw you in the arms of someone else."
  • "I cry myself to sleep and you thought I was happy."
  • "I was lonely, had nowhere to go."
  • "I heard that you moved on."
  • "Everything has changed."
  • "Sometimes you've got to bleed to know that you're alive."
  • "The songs on the radio are okay, but my taste in music is your face."
  • "You fell asleep in my car, I drove the whole time."
  • "I heard you were lying about how brave you are.
  • "I heard you were still trying to get back to the start."
  • "I'm gonna miss you."
  • "Gonna miss you, girl, and all of the things we could've done."
  • "I move so fast, how could you be with me?"
  • "I wish you well. All the best."
  • "I spent an hour with you, should I want anything else?"
  • "We were sixteen, maybe less, maybe a little more."
  • "I walked home smiling, I finally had a story to tell."
  • "Time has bridled us both, but I remember you, too."
  • "You confuse me with your riddles and your sudden generosity."
  • "You really shouldn't get this fucked up."
  • "I'm tired of being careful."
  • "Let me under your skin."
  • "Why do I always spill?"
  • "God, I wish I never spoke."
  • "Think I got myself in trouble."
  • "Should've never said the word 'love.'"
  • "I'm sick of all the games I have to play."
  • "I've got your picture, she's got you."
  • "Throw on your dress and put on your doll faces."
  • "Everyone thinks that we're perfect."
  • "Go back to being plastic."
  • "Smile for the picture."
  • "We were too wasted to close the window."
  • "Do you want it? Do you want me?"
  • "You are where I want to be."
  • "I can drive."
  • "Who is she?"
  • "I used to know know to leave the boy behind without having to watch him go."
  • "Going on, my first impression, I recall you wearing white."
  • "There was something sweet in the air, babe, that summer night."
  • "There will always be another time for us to fall in love."
  • "The first times always cut the deepest."
  • "She is something to behold, elegant and bold."
  • "I could easily lose my mind."
  • "The way you kiss me will work each time."
  • "Eyes, innocent and wild, remind me what it's like."
  • "Pulling me back into the flames and I'm burning up again."
  • "I never understood what was at stake."
  • "Well now you've come and gone, I finally worked it out."
  • "I never should have told you."
  • "I never should have let you see inside."
  • "Don't want it troubling your mind. Won't you let it be?"
  • "You cool me down."
  • "Do you love me now?"
  • "I'm not so used to doubt."
  • "Light me up a cigarette and put it in my mouth."
  • "You're the only one that wants me around."
  • "I don't believe in you and I."
  • "I'm not yours anymore."
  • "You're always leaving me behind."
  • "I feel like a fool."
  • "I ain't got nothing left to give."
  • "You are mine, I am yours. Lets not fuck around."
  • "You are the only one."
  • "Yours is the first face that I saw."
  • "I realize that I need you and I wondered if I could come home."
  • "Remember the time you drove all night, just to meet me in the morning."
  • "I thought it was strange, you said everything changed, you felt as if you'd just woke up."
  • "I'm glad I didn't die before I met you."
  • "I don't care, I could go anywhere with you and I'd probably be happy."
  • "Maybe this time is different."
  • "I mean, I really think you like me."
  • "You pull away so easily."
  • "I'm only there so that you're not alone."
  • "So I'm pouring some whiskey, I'm gonna get drunk."
  • "I want a lover I don't have to love."
  • "I'll meet up with the band in the morning."
  • "Love's an excuse to get hurt."
  • "We both go together if one falls down."
  • "I talk out loud like you're still around."
  • "Do I let her sleep or should I wake her up?"
  • "We were lovers in a past life."
  • "I'll make you mine, time after time."
  • "We can keep in touch if that's what you want."
  • "You say I don't have the time for you, but I do."
  • "I am what you need when you can't find it somewhere else."
  • "I am what you want when you don't have anything else."
  • "I came here with a load and it feels so much lighter now I met you."
  • "Honey, you should know that I could never go on without you."
  • "You're the one that I wanted to find."
  • "Anyone who tried to deny you must be out of their mind."
  • "I know it's too late."
  • "I should have given you a reason to stay."
  • "We're not the same, dear, as we used to be."
  • "There was little we could say, and even less that we could do."
  • "Nothing was left for you and me."
  • "Someday you will be loved."
  • "I cannot pretend that I felt any regret."
  • "The memories of me will seem more like bad dreams."
  • "I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet."
  • "You told her that you loved her, but you don't."
  • "She was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me."
  • "I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking as we moved together in the dark."
  • "All I see are dark grey clouds in the distance moving closer with every hour."
  • "Was something wrong?"
  • "You're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now."
  • "No, we can't talk about it now."
  • "One last touch and then you'll go, and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more."
  • "It was vile, and it was cheap."
  • "You are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me."