someone stop...me.

Monsters from Guillermo del Toro movies rated based on how good of boyfriends they would be

Any of the ghosts from Crimson peak

no. they are dead and scary not in a hot way. yes even the two at the end.  0/10

any of the kaiju from pacific rim

they are big rowdy boys so banging them is inadvisable, but, really, how much do we actually know about them? they could learn to love. 1/10

The Pale Man

absolutely not. eats kids and represents the selfish greed of those in power. -1000000000000/10

The Faun

shifty as heck, always speaking in riddles and half truths. i don’t trust him but i’d bang him. 4/10

(this is where we start getting into creatures that we know are equipped to have sex)

Hellboy

he’s immature, for sure, but he has a good heart and loves kittens. Plus he’s got a rockin bod and a tail, so i’m not sure what else you could want in a bf. 8/10

Abe Sapien

i love this sweet sweet nerdy fish boy. he’s a bit shy and maybe has some boundary issues but all in all he’s a good boy. 9/10

The Gillman (AKA The Asset)

what is there to say about this beautiful boy that hasn’t already been said? he’s sweet, kind, sensual, and has a booty that just won’t quit. when will he steal me away to the Amazon to live forever in his strong arms. 10/10

Au where Draco commentates a Gryffindor match in 6th year
  • Draco: And here comes the Gryffindor team: Girl #1, Girl #2, two dudes that replaced the weasel twins, the Weasel King, Weaselet, and Saint Potter as captain.
  • Mcgonagall: [squinty chihuahua face]
  • Draco: Players are in the air and the balls are flying. There goes Potter with his stupid hair getting even stupider with the wind as he flies higher and faster than the other players, the bloody show off.
  • Mcgonagall: Malfoy, the game?
  • Draco: Yeah sure, some Gryffindor player passes the Quaffle to another Gryffindor player, who passes to girl Weasel who is intercepted by a Hufflepuff, HAHA how bad can you be to lose the Quaffle to a Hufflepuff?!
  • McGonagall: [raises eyebrows and looks indignant]
  • Draco: Erm anyways nothing much is happening, this is so boring… Look at Potter not doing anything, just there gliding in the air, Famous Potter, everyone knows he just got the Seeker position because he’s Dumbledore’s golden boy.
  • Draco: Oh wait, Potter dives, did he spot the Snitch or finaly found a comb?
  • Draco: [loudly] Don’t fall off your broom now Potter, no need to add another ridiculous scar onto that ugly face.
  • McGonagall: MALFOY!
  • Draco: What? I’m just telling him to be careful.
  • Draco: As I was saying before being rudely interrupted... It wasn’t the Snitch, Potty was probably just showing off, can’t stand two seconds without being the center of attention now can he? I wonder how he can fly so fast with his huge ego weighing him down.
  • McGonagall: That’s enough Malfoy, will you please concentrate on the game? It’s already 74-43 to Gryffindor.
  • Draco: Yeah well, what a shocker Hufflepuff is losing, everyone knows Gryffindor will win, Potter will definitely catch the Snitch sooner or later, don’t know what’s taking him so long though I’d have finished this game ages ago, and HE is the youngest seeker in 100 years, go figure.
  • Draco: Oh no, the huffdypuffdy Seeker, whatever his name is, has eyes on the Snitch. OI SCARHEAD TO YOUR LEFT.
  • McGonagall: Malfoy!! You can’t help the players, that’s against the rul-
  • Draco: Oh shut up. COME ON POTTER YOU CAN DO THIS YOU LITTLE … USE YOUR GREEN EYES FOR ONCE YOUR LIFE. FASTER POTTER PUT THOSE MUSCLED THIGHS TO GOOD USE. ALMOST THERE STRECH THAT AMAZING LEAN BODY OF YOURS.
  • Draco: [on his feet, flailing like mad] YAS, HE DID IT, THE GORGEOUS BASTARD DID IT [screeches]
  • McGonagall:
  • The audience:
  • The players:
  • Harry: