someone first choice

2

she had the world || panic! at the disco

Everyone is always saying, ‘I want to be someone’s first choice.’ But I don’t want that. I want to be someone’s last choice. I want someone to look at me and know they have so many other options in the world, but for them I am more than enough. They could have anyone and I’m the last person they chose to be with. I’m the one they want forever with.

Sometimes we just want to be somebody’s first choice, someone’s first priority, whether it be in a romantic relationship or a friendship. Sometimes I can’t help but feel empty knowing that I am not, that I am someone’s second choice. As much as I try to love myself and take care of myself both mentally and physically, I can’t help but still want that person there to comfort me when I don’t have the strength to motivate myself.

“Why am I never the first choice?” Tears start to swell her eyes.

“Well,” He starts. “I think you’re the type of girl that boys just don’t notice often.”

“Wow thanks, that sure helps.” She laughs in disbelief.

“No, it’s for the best. You’re toxic.” He starts to whisper, “Once somebody notices you, they can’t stop. All of your little bracelets and rings and Little Mermaid sweaters go from strange to somehow enticing. The fact that you carry three books in your bag goes from being nerdy to being one of your cutest quirks.”

“It sucks when a guy notices you, because then there is no one else they notice and you never leave their mind.” He trails off.

“What are you saying?” She asks, frightened.

“You never left my mind.”

—  Excerpt of a book I’ll never write #34

After so long, I finally realized that I deserve someone who will fight for me. I deserve someone who will truly care about me and make me see the good in myself that I am not able to see. I deserve to be loved in return. I deserve to be respected and to be someone’s first choice.

Maybe I'm Not Good Enough

Maybe I’ll just never be good enough.
Not good enough to be seen or liked or loved or be in love with.
Maybe I’m just not.
Some people don’t have people.
It happens.
Maybe I’m just one of the people it happens to.
I mean, I know I’m no model or some incredible person…but am I really that bad?
Because it just seems like no one ever really wants me around.
Not as much as they want other people.
I’m always the last choice. Overlooked.
I know I can’t control what other people think about me, but damn.
It really would feel good to be someone’s first choice.
Or even a choice at all.

I’m tired of hearing about how great my friends relationships are going. I miss the feeling of waking up and knowing I’m someone’s first choice. I’ve been relying solely myself for such a long time and it’s exhausting. I miss the feeling of being held-not for sex or kisses, but just being close to somebody, knowing that they love me.
—  R.L.