OK WE’RE ALMOST AT THANKSGIVING SO LISTEN UP BECAUSE I’M GONNA CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOR THE BETTER
STOREBOUGHT PIE CRUST IS AN ABOMINATION TO GOD, AND COOL WHIP IS TASTY SWEET PLASTIC.
If you only knew how easy it was to make your own real stuff, you’d never buy that mystery-substance commercial crap again. So here goes:
See this thing? It’s called a pastry blender. Some have plastic handles or are solid on the sides. No matter. They’re under $5 at a big box store and they’re ONE of the specialty kitchen items worth owning. Get one. Love it. Pass it down to your grandkids.
Easy as Pie Crust
- 1 cup of flour (if you’re GF, don’t worry. Use the flour of your choice. You’ll just have to press the crust into place instead of roll it out and transer it)
- 1/3 cup of grease of some kind. Shortening makes a good pie crust. So does leftover bacon grease, lard, butter, even oil. Different fats for different tastes.
- 1 teaspoon of salt. This will keep your pie crust from tasting flat.
- ¼ cup ice cold water (not yet though)
Put the flour, salt, and grease in a bowl. cut the greast into the flour with a down and over motion with a pastry blender, or hold 2 table knives together and cut, cut, cut into the bowl untl it looks like small peas, rice, or really coarse grain.
Add the ice water and stir with a fork until it *just* holds together.
Roll dough out on a floured countertop with a rolling pin, or a 2-liter bottle filled with water. Roll in every direction from the center until crust is about 1/8″ (2-3cm) thick.
Fold crust lightly in half. Place it in a pie tin with the point at the center of the pan. unfold it. Trim edges 1/2″ wider than the pie tin. Moisten the edge with a finger dipped in water, fold the extra in, and pinch it all around.
TADA!! Pie crust that tastes better than anything you can buy at the store. Seriously you will be ruined for life for those terrible, crumbly, store-bought pie crusts.
F*CK KOOL WHIP WHIPPED CREAM
All the creamy high-fat sweet goodness without the undentifiable-to-your-body plasticity.
- 1 pint heavy whipping cream
- 3 T sugar
Put your bowl and beaters in the freezer for 10 minutes.
Put the whipping cream in the bowl and begin to beat it on a medium-low speed. Too fast and you’ll make butter (not kidding).
As you beat the cream, add the sugar a little shake at a time.
Turn the speed up a little and beat until soft or stiff peaks form (be aware that whipped cream will stiffen more as it is spread or served, which may cause it to be too stiff or separate if you overbeat it)
That’s all folks.
Have a happy and better-tasting and better-for-you Thanksgiving