prompt: post trespasser but pre-reunion ellana sends solas a cake saying "don't ignore me i sucked your dick"
….so this got more emotional than I planned? Whoops… Enjoy my silly yet also somewhat bittersweet crackfic AU!
Pairing: Solavellan, post-Trespasser
Rating: Teen for dirty words
“Ellana, I simply cannot believe you have done this.”
Ellana always knew she was in trouble when Josephine used her first name.
Well, she was either in trouble, or crying.
Or they were drunk and playing Wicked Grace.
Otherwise she was always Inquisitor or your worship.
But most of the time, it was when she was in trouble.
At least she knew exactly what she did this time.
Not that she was going to let Josephine know that.
“Done what, Josie?” she said innocently, staring down at the map spread before her.
“We finally receive reliable intelligence as to Solas’s whereabouts, and you use it to - to - Ellana, look at me.”
Well, now she was really in trouble. Josephine’s hair was askew, and her eyes were flashing with anger.
“You sent Solas a cake. A cake that said - that said -”
“Don’t ignore me, I sucked your dick,” she finished with confidence.
Josephine dropped her portable writing desk. It clattered against the stone floor of the war room.
“Ellana! Did you need to repeat it so loudly? And what exactly were you hoping to accomplish with this stunt?”
Ellana dropped her gaze to the map again. To the landscape of the war they’d carved over the last year. To the failed ploys and pitched battles and all the places Solas had broken her heart over and over again.
“I don’t know. We’ve tried everything else. Maybe we can get him to think with his dick, like so many other men seem to.”
Josephine was silent - and then she was laughing, a bright sound and yet a sad one at the same time.
“I am not sure if Leliana will pitch a fit, or congratulate you,” Josephine said when she quieted.
“Both, if I am lucky. I only wish we could have embedded an agent to observe his reaction. Can you imagine?”
Ellana tried imagining it as she said the words - and for the first time in months, she smiled when she pictured his face. She hoped it made him smile, too.
Solas knew something was wrong the moment he entered the hideout. His agents were hunched around a small table, speaking in hushed tones, their postures tense. He couldn’t make out the words, but his fear spiked nonetheless. Had a different cell been compromised? Had Tevinter succeeded in cracking down on the slave uprising? Had one of the artifacts they sought been destroyed by Chantry forces?
“It must have been the Inquisitor. It had to be.”
His stomach plummeted. Had something happened to Ellana?
“Report,” he barked, lengthening his stride.
His agents turned to face him - but they kept their ranks closed, as if trying to block something from his view.
“Tar’len - we did not expect you so soon,” the most senior among them said, her voice halting.
“My trip to the Anderfels was not as fruitful as I hoped. What has happened?”
The agents shared a glance, their eyes full of fear. His heart sped. He wanted to shake it out of them. What happened to Ellana?
“We are not sure how, tar’len,” another agent began. “But Inquisition forces found this hideout. They left a message for us - for you. It is - a perplexing message.”
It was a matter of time before they found this hideout - but it was more worrisome that they knew he would be here to receive a message. He would deal with that in a moment.
“Let me see it,” he said.
Another nervous glance, and then they parted ranks.
There was a cake on the table behind them.
Small, round, and covered in thick white frosting. How was that a message?
That was when he stepped close enough to see the red frosting on top.
Don’t ignore me, I sucked your dick
He was laughing before he knew he was, and there were tears gathering in his throat.
All the resources that went into finding this hideout, to delivering something here - and this was what she sent.
He was dimly aware that his agents were staring, but he didn’t care. He let himself laugh for the first time in months instead.