soi 13

3

gotei 13 captains: then and now

#celebratingbleach

How the captains would react (if their lieutenants quit)


As requested by anon. :)


Previously on Bleach Lists, we considered what would happen if the captains fired their lieutenants. But what if the lieutenants…quit? How would the captains react then?


1. Squad 13

Rukia: Captain, I can no longer be your lieutenant.

Ukitake: I understand.

Ukitake: You need to go to the world of the living, where you belong.

Ukitake: I was there, you know, when you trained Orihime Inoue.

Ukitake: I know she is your true love.

Ukitake: Go to her, Kuchiki, go to her!!

Rukia: …

Rukia: So, uh, I got offered a captainship…

Ukitake: …

Ukitake: Can we go back like ten seconds?

Rukia: How long have you been shipping us??


2. Squad 2

Omaeda: Uh, Captain, you know how my sister got hurt during the Quincy invasion?

Soi Fon: Yes. I recall.

Omaeda: It, uh, kinda makes you think, you know? About what’s important?

Soi Fon: I do not need to hear your personal journey, Omaeda.

Soi Fon: If you have decided to actually commit yourself to this squad, then do it. Otherwise, I don’t care.

Omaeda: What if it made me want to quit?

Soi Fon: Then I would kill you. Nobody quits Squad 2 alive.

Soi Fon: So do you have something to say?

Omaeda: No?

Soi Fon: ….

Soi Fon: So close.


3. Squad 3

Kira: Captain Otoribashi, I will be leaving your squad at the end of this week.

Rose: Izuru, why??

Kira: I am an undead zombie monstrosity with a permanent hole through my torso, and the underlings weep when they look at me.

Rose: Only for the first couple of days!

Rose: And I still say, if you let me decorate your horrible torso rods with brightly colored flags…

Kira: …

Rose: Right. Maybe you’ve earned a break.


4. Squad 12

Nemu: Captain, I would like to quit.

Kurotsuchi: Nobody cares what you want, you dolt. Now drink your poison.

Nemu: …

Nemu: Maybe this is why Nanao says we need a union.


5. Squad 5

Hinamori: Captain, I have decided to quit the Gotei-13.

Shinji: Very funny, you idiot.

Shinji: Make jokes like that, and you might end up in the Maggot’s Nest, which is occasionally canon!

Hinamori: I’m not joking, Captain.

Shinji: You’re not?

Shinji: Man, I have the worst luck with lieutenants.

Hinamori: DID YOU JUST COMPARE ME TO AIZEN?!


6. Squad 10

Matsumoto: Captain, I quit!

Hitsugaya: I do not accept.

Matsumoto: What? You can’t just not accept my resignation, Captain!

Hitsugaya: Yes, I can.

Hitsugaya: I don’t accept it.

Hitsugaya: You know, you could just ask for time off if there is a big sale in the human world or something!

Matsumoto: You’d give me time off for shopping??

Hitsugaya: NO

Matsumoto: See? Maybe this is why I want to quit!

Hitsugaya: JUST DO YOUR PAPERWORK


7. Squad 11

Yachiru: Ken-chan, I’m not gonna be a lieutenant anymore!

Kenpachi: Yeah?

Kenpachi: Okay.

Kenpachi: What are we going to do now, then?

Kenpachi: Look for stronger people to fight?

Yachiru: Sure!

Kenpachi: Sounds about right, for us.


8. Squad 4

Isane: Um, Captain Unohana?

Isane: I, uh, need to talk to you about something. I’ve….decided to quit the Gotei-13.

Unohana: Is that so, Isane?

Unohana: I understand.

Unohana: It is time for your murder phase. I had long seen it coming.

Isane: N-not everyone has a murder phase, Captain!

Unohana: Don’t be embarrassed, Isane. It is part of growing up.

Isane: C-Captain!


9. Squad 9 (Mashiro)

Mashiro: Kensei, I QUIT!

Kensei: You don’t even know what that means, idiot.

Mashiro: Yes I do!!!! It means I’m done following you!!!

Kensei: Whatever happened to “a lieutenant always followers her captain”??

Mashiro: That’s why I’m quitting!

Kensei: FINE

Mashiro: FINE

Kensei: THANK GOODNESS I WON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU

Mashiro: LIKE YOU CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT ME

Hisagi: It’s like watching your parents divorce.


10. Squad 9 (Hisagi)

Hisagi: …and that is why, Captain, I need to leave your command.

Kensei: Shuhei, don’t be an idiot.

Kensei: You have our squad number TATTOOED ON YOUR FACE

Kensei: What are you gonna do, porn??

Hisagi: Well…

Kensei: NO SHUHEI


11. Squad 1

Sasakibe: Head Captain, I am afraid I must tender my resignation.

Yamamoto: Are you…are you SERIOUS?!

Yamamoto: I tried to promote you like 1000 times!

Sasakibe: I-I couldn’t take a promotion, Head Captain! It would have felt disloyal!

Yamamoto: But quitting isn’t?!

Sasakibe: …

Sasakibe: I’m a complicated guy.


12. Squad 8

Nanao: Captain, this is my three week’s notice. 

Kyoraku: Notice until what?

Nanao: Until I will be quitting.

Kyoraku: Q-quitting, Nanao-chan??

Kyoraku: Please don’t quit, my lovely beautiful lieutenant flower!

Kyoraku: Is this because I drink too much? Because of all the naps? Because I accidentally used your report as a coaster?

Nanao: You did WHAT to my report?

Kyoraku: See? How will I survive without that cruel, harsh look, Nanao-chan?

Nanao: …it’s going to be a long three weeks.


13. Squad 6

Renji: Captain, I am quitting!

Byakuya: Renji, you should leave the jokes to me.

Renji: This is not a joke, Captain. I am quitting.

Byakuya: You cannot quit, Renji. This is the Gotei-13.

Renji: Y-your last lieutenant quit! 

Byakuya: He had a very good reason.

Renji: He opened a sunglasses shop!

Byakuya: Are you suggested that sunglasses are not a good reason? Are you, Renji?

Renji: …

Renji: This went very differently in my head.


14. Squad 9

Iba: Captain, I need to speak with you!

Iba: I want you to know, Captain, that being your lieutenant has been fantastic.

Iba: I grew as a soldier and as a person.

Iba: Your courage and honestly and loyalty always inspired me!

Iba: And I could not have served a better man!

Iba: But I can no longer be your lieutenant.

Puppy Komamura: Wuff?

Iba: …

Iba: I think you need a friend, instead.

América Latina.

Soy lo que dejaron, soy toda la sobra de lo que se robaron. Un pueblo escondido en la cima, mi piel es de cuero por eso aguanta cualquier clima.

Soy una fábrica de humo, mano de obra campesina para tu consumo, frente de frío en el medio del verano, el amor en los tiempos del cólera, mi hermano. El sol que nace y el día que muere con los mejores atardeceres.

Soy el desarrollo en carne viva,
un discurso político sin saliva. Las caras más bonitas que he conocido, soy la fotografía de un desaparecido.

Soy la sangre dentro de tus venas, soy un pedazo de tierra que vale la pena.

Soy una canasta con frijoles, soy Maradona contra Inglaterra anotándote dos goles.

Soy lo que sostiene mi bandera, la espina dorsal del planeta es mi cordillera.

Soy lo que me enseño mi padre, el que no quiere a su patria no quiere a su madre.

Reaction of the Captains discovering their S/O had been tattooed in secret

Shunsui Kyoraku: At first, he’s startled and hesitated to mention the subject. But, with time, he became proud being the only one to see it. From time to time, he loves stroking the tattooed area.

Soi Fong: She enjoys the idea so much that she would like to do one too. Even if she seems a bit cold and harsh, she’s quite romantic when it comes to mach up something with her S/O.

Rojuro Otoribashi: He used to be against but his life in human living world opened his mind. He wouldn’t mind tattoo if it’s appropriate for his S/O. He’ll have a fetish in musical tattoo (keys, scores…).

Unohana Retsu: She doesn’t expect it so she disagree the fact that her S/O tattooed. She warns them she wants to be aware if they provide something (with her creepy smile, you know what I mean…)

Shinji Hirako: He’s a little bit surprised. He knew that his S/O loves tattoos but he didn’t expect them to do without telling. However he finds it sexy and asks them not to tell him if they do another one. He likes presents.

Byakuya Kuchiki: He’s clearly shocked. He thought that his S/O is some innocent fluffy baby bunny. He doesn’t wait to tell her that he’s against this and he doesn’t them to do it again. But he won’t ask them to erase it… Know that he will secretly love to see it during the do.

Komamura Sajin: Untattooed, full tattooed, just one… He won’t mind at all. He loves his S/O for who they are, not what covered their body. Even if the natural, simplicity is well enough.

Kensei Muguruma: He couldn’t disagree the tattoo, knowing that he’s their model. He asks where, how many, if it hurt… He takes the habit to lick it every time he can. He is one to encourage her to tattoo more and even pierce.

Toshiro Hitsugaya: He isn’t one to care for long. He’ll be honest if he likes it or not but won’t encourage to tattoo too much. He would prefer them to be natural with just a bit of fantasy.

Zaraki Kenpachi: Discovering the tattoo, he bursts out laughing. Then he’ll calm down and ask them to show it closer, saying that it’s cool. He loves them not to cover their tattoo and show it to everyone. He feels proud that they look as badass as him.

Mayuri Kurotsuchi: He’s mad. For two reasons. First, he doesn’t have any attraction for the human’s things; he doesn’t understand why they did this. The second reason it’s that IT’S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. He wish he could do something that beautiful for (and on) her. In secret he’ll research on it, wanting to experiment tattoo session on his S/O.

Jushiro Ukitake: He will freeze. Depending on what the tattoo is, he will accept it or not (like bird, flowers, some discreet and girly for girls / not too much manly for men). However he’ll forever more treasure an untattooed skin.

If the Gotei-13 were on Ninja Warrior...


As requested by @rays-of-fire-and-ice​ :)


American Ninja Warrior (the version which I am familiar with) is a show on which contestants try to make their way through a physically challenging course as fast as possible. Most people fail. But the crowd and the announcers cheer them on, and it’s quite frankly a happy show. But what if the members of the Gotei-13 decided to try their hands at a Soul Society version of it? How would each of them do?

Normally Matt Iseman and Akbar Gbaja-Biamila are the hosts of this show, but since it’s the Gotei-13 version, we’re gonna let Ikkaku and Iba do the honors! 


1. Shinji

Iba: True to form, HIRAKO SHINJI, the backwards ninja, is trying to do the whole course backwards! He’s off on the flying steps and - 

Iba: -and into the water he goes!

Ikkaku: Wow! That was not a good plan!

Iba: Looks like he went butt-first into disaster!

Ikkaku: …really?

Iba: This show is all about the puns.


2. Isane

Ikkaku: After breezing through the first five obstacles, Isane has made it to the warped wall!

Iba: This is a hard one for many contestants, especially since we outlawed flying.

Ikkaku: She’s running for it and - she made it! She made it!

Iba: Her height allowed her to easily grasp the top of the wall!

Ikkaku: Maybe, for the first time, she’ll be glad that she’s so tall.

Iba: This game is so good for people!


3. Kenpachi

Ikkaku: I’ve been waiting for this one, Iba.

Ikkaku: The paragon of strength and violence - Zaraki Kenpachi, Captain of Squad 11!

Ikkaku: He’s approaching the course and he - 

Ikkaku: …

Ikkaku: He appears to be walking directly through the water.

Ikkaku: H-he just smashed the rolling thunder log to pieces!

Ikkaku: Did anybody tell him the rules??

Ikkaku: CAPTAIN NO


4. Komamura

Iba: And now it’s time for MY captain!

Iba: With his size and weight, it may be difficult for him to -

Ikkaku: Iba, look! He bounds across the floating steps with nimbleness and grace!

Iba: Yes! Perhaps he can do this!

Iba: …

Iba: Or perhaps he will be too heavy and pull the rolling thunder log directly into the water.

Iba: Poor captain!

Iba: YOU DID AMAZING


5. Ichigo 

Ikkaku: Competing through special invitation, Ichigo has fallen on Bungee Road, leaving the crowd in shock! He’s now standing with Matsumoto - let’s see what he has to say!

Matsumoto: Ichigo! You didn’t quite complete the course - what happened?

Ichigo: It’s cool. I can never actually do anything until I fail a bunch of times first. Didn’t risk my life this time, unfortunately, which makes leveling up harder.

Ichigo: But I bet if I fail harder next time, I’ll gain the powers I need to complete the course!

Matsumoto: You, uh, know you only get one shot right?

Ichigo:

Ichigo: Oh.


6. Byakuya

Ikkaku: Such an impressive run from the Squad 6 captain!

Iba: He was definitely going for speed.

Iba: Running the entire course with no pause and no mistakes, he has nabbed the top spot with the course’s fastest time!

Ikkaku: He is definitely the one to beat now!


7. Yoruichi

Ikkaku: HOLY FUCK SHE JUST DEMOLISHED BYAKUYA’S TIME

Iba: I COULD BARELY SEE HER SHE WAS A BLUR - AND THIS WAS WITHOUT FLASH STEP

Ikkaku: Man, Yorucichi is incredible!


8. Ukitake

Iba: That HAS to be a new record, Ikkaku!

Ikkaku: I’m on the ear piece with the producers and yes! Yes it IS a record!

Ikkaku: Fainting before the first obstacle and rolling into the water is the fastest anyone has ever failed!

Iba: Let’s hear it for the Squad 13 captain!


9. Renji

Ikkaku: As sad as I am that Renji did not quite make it through the course, I have to say - kneeling on the ground in front of the Warped Wall and yelling at the heavens? Very dramatic.

Iba: Certainly a moment to replay after the break!


10. Hanataro

Iba: That was - wow! One of the few to actually complete the course this evening, even Hanataro looks shocked by his own success!

Iba: He’s standing by with Matsumoto!

Matsumoto: Hana, you did it! What got you through the course?

Hanataro: Well, uh, it was basically what I do every day.

Hanataro: Floating steps are like when you gave to jump through floating debris in the sewer. Bungee row is like when the old ladder collapses underneath you and you gave to hang on for dear life for hours. That sort of thing.

Matsumoto: So your terrible life allowed you to do well on Ninja Warrior?

Hanataro: I guess? [gives sad thumbs up sign]

Ikkaku: Well, Iba, looks like Squad 4 is useful after all!


11. Hitusgaya 

Iba: So close! But the diminutive Squad 10 captain can’t seem to quite make it over the Warped Wall!

Ikkaku: Being so short does make it incredibly difficult!

Iba: He’s made two attempts already. You can tell how tired he his from his heavy breathing and his….sword?

Iba: Wait a second, is he taller?

Ikkaku: BANKAI IS NOT ALLOWED


12. Rose

Ikkaku: Such style! Such grace!

Iba: Squad 3 Captain Rose Otoribashi definitely knows how to work the crowd!

Ikkaku: Striking poses after each obstacle - very classy!

Iba: Aaaaand he falls on the Salmon Ladder!

Iba: But, like, what a graceful fall!

Ikkaku: We will miss him!


13. Soi Fon

Iba: That was an incredible run, Ikkaku!

Ikkaku: Yes! Soi Fon’s incredible speed, strength, and agility allowed her to almost make that difficult course look easy! 

Iba: She’s with Matsumoto now!

Matsumoto: Soi Fon, what do you have to say about your fantastic run?

Soi Fon: Utter failure.

Soi Fon: I should have been able to beat Yoruichi-sama’s time.

Matsumoto: But you are the second fastest! That means you even beat Byakuya!

Soi Fon: So what? Anyone can do that.

Byakuya: EXCUSE ME


14. Yamamoto

Iba: The oldest competitor to ever compete on any version of this course ever, Head Captain Yamamoto is stepping up to the start of the course!

Ikkaku: And he’s - is he? - yes, he is taking off his shirt!

Iba: The crowd goes wild at the sight of the very unexpected rippling muscles!

Ikkaku: He’s breezing through the course! Look at him go!

Iba: Not as fast as some of our contestants, but he moves with such incredible purpose!

Ikkaku: He’s at the buzzer! He’s done it!

Iba: Ikkaku wait - he has a sign!

Iba: “That is how you do it, underlings.”

Ikkaku: That’s our head captain, for you!


15. Aizen

Iba: The crowd is still in shock!

Iba: For Aizen to not only fail, but also fail on the first obstacle? Unbelievable!

Ikkaku: And such a dramatic failure, too.

Ikkaku: He basically swan-dived into the water.

Ikkaku: Very dramatic and very -

Ikkaku: Wait a second! Aizen is at the buzzer! The failure was just an illusion!

Ikkaku: He completed the course after all!

Iba:

Iba: Why though

Snow Day in the Seireitei


As requested by @dameofnodelicacy and @sambamrazzy. :)


It has snowed in Soul Society, and a snow day has been declared! How do the various shinigami react?


1. Hitsugaya: Is 90% scarfs 

Hitsugaya bundles himself up well. Very well. He basically looks like a walking pile of scarfs.

Byakuya: Aren’t you an ice type? Should you not be impervious to the cold or some such thing?

Hitsugaya: …

Hitsugaya: There is nothing wrong with wanting to be cozy.


2. Yamamoto: Goes shirtless

Mostly because he can.

Yamamoto: Such bad subordinates, being affected by the cold.

Yamamoto: Personally I just need my beard to keep ME warm.


3. Byakuya & Rukia: Build snowmen

Or rather, a snow bunny and a snow Admiral Seaweed.

Rukia: Your snow sculptures are just as amazing as your sand sculptures, Nii-sama!

Byakuya: Yours are very good too, Rukia.


4. Matsumoto: Drinks (and shares) a lot of spiked hot chocolate

Of course, it’s too cold for strip drinking games. So instead she, Hisagi, and Kira see how many sweaters they can put on.

Hisagi: I CAN NO LONGER LOWER MY ARMS

Kira: MORE SWEATERS SHUHEI! DO IT FOR THE VINE

Matsumoto: Who knew reverse stripping could be so fun??


5. Hinamori: Spends the day reading

She has a blanket and (non-alcoholic) hot chocolate, and she is ready to party. And by “party” I mean “read.”

Hinamori: It doesn’t really get cozier than this.

[Outside the window, Hitsugaya waddles by in his 19 scarfs]

Hinamori: Except possibly for that.


6. Rose: Enjoys the look of the snow

Rose, more than anyone else, appreciates the aesthetics of the snow - the look of the fresh snowdrifts, the way the snowflakes swirl down through the air, the way the world seems almost hushed.

Rose: Every few seconds I get another picture of Izuru wearing more sweaters.

Rose: But it’s pretty peaceful anyway.


7. Yachiru: Pelts everyone with snow balls

Mostly while riding on Kenpachi’s shoulders.

Ikkaku: LIEUTENANT PLEASE STOP STRIKING ME IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD

Yachiru: GOALLLLLL


8. Renji: Gets involved in the Squad 11 snowball fight

The one that Yachiru started.

Ikkaku: Abarai!!! Did you put  ROCK into this SNOWBALL?!

Renji: We villains are dirty by nature, you know!

Ikkaku: THAT’S AWESOME


9. Isane: Is pretty much stuck dealing with injuries

Squad 11 files in all day, most of them with mysterious rock wounds.

Unohana: And this is why I insisted we spend the day inside Squad 4, Isane.

Isane: Ohhhhhh.


10. Aizen: Melts all the snow with his spiritual pressure

No snow is actually able to reach him.

Aizen: I am simply too powerful.

Aizen: …

Aizen: Admittedly it is a little sad.


11. Ukitake: Is cared for by his subordinates

Basically this means that Kiyone and Sentaro compete to keep him comfortable, until he is essentially swimming in blankets. And mittens. And hats. And hot chocolate. 

Ukitake (faintly, from underneath it all): G-guys?


12. Soi Fon: Hosts a GIANT snowball fight

Just imagine, if you will, the entirety of the punishment squad pelting each other with snowballs.

Omaeda: T-this is surprisingly nice of you, Captain!

Soi Fon: Nice? You understand so little.

Soi Fon: I am increasing their antagonism towards each other by having them simulate battle. I am decreasing their camaraderie.

Omaeda: They, uh, sure seem to be having a good time, though.

Soi Fon: That is probably battle laughter. 


13. Komamura: Goes sledding with Iba

The sokyoku hill makes for some awesome sledding.

Komamura: Amazing! I can’t help but let my tongue dangle and my wolf ears flap in the breeze!

Iba: YOU ARE THE BEST SLEDDER, CAPTAIN


14. Shinji: Makes snow angels

I can’t even explain this one. Something about Shinji and his gangly limbs making snow angels amuses me

Hiyori: Hey baldy! Aren’t you a guy who does everything backwards? You should be making snow angels FACE DOWN

Shinji: FOR THE LAST TIME I’M NOT DOING THAT


15. Mashiro & Kensei: Get distracted by Shinji’s snow angels

Kensei was just trying to go for a nice snow walk. Mashiro was following him.

Mashiro: Uh oh are people disappearing again? Kensei! Kensei! Look! Mysterious dents in the snow!

Kensei: Those are just snow angels, Mashiro.

Mashiro: What? Angels? Of the snow? I don’t understand! I don’t understand!

Kensei: I JUST WANTED TO TAKE A WALK


16. Nemu: Clears the snow around Squad 12

Kurotsuchi really wants nothing to do with the snow day. So Nemu clears the snow away from Squad 12. Using the world’s most giant snow blower.

Nemu: I may or may not have blown Akon away.

Nemu: But he is probably fine.

[The sounds of Akon’s screams fade into the distance]

Nemu: Probably.