well talking about myself has never been a strong point but here it goes!!! im 17, and i live in the united states. i love dogs with all of my heart and sunsets are entirely too important to me. i run track and play soccer, work backstage in the music department of my school, and spend too much of my time worrying about grades. this year im a junior and once i graduate i’d really love to travel and meet new people. the idea of having a friend someone else has always fascinated me and hopefully i don’t bore anyone too much before that happens. email or snail mail would be cool, and sharing book and movie and show suggestions and lil photos or objects is totally a cute thing!! i guess a disclaimer would be i’ve had to deal with mental issues like depression and anxiety for the majority of my short life so i can be a mess. i apologize in advance
Preferences: preferably ages around mine; more than 14 but less than 20. if you believe reverse racism is real, inequality doesn’t exist, or trump isn’t crazy then i really wish you wouldn’t and im not looking to be your friend at all
Hey guys!!! A new Antoine Imagine. I really enjoyed working on it, it’s also pretty long x Some things are also based on own experience so I enjoyed writing about that too, but enough said I hope you like it x
I was stressed out. Really stressed out. And it was not in a oh today had been a long day at work and I’m tired and I can not wait to come home to my husband cooking for me kind of way. It was in a I haven’t slept properly in weeks and work is killing me because my boss is constantly yelling at me kind of way. And sadly there was no husband for me waiting at home, I wasn’t even engaged because therefore I would need a boyfriend and I do not even have a boyfriend.
No one was waiting for me at home or anywhere in that matter. Maybe my mum was thinking of me and asking herself when I would fly over and visit her and dad again. It has been months since I last seen both of them and I knew that wouldn’t change anytime soon due to the money I was getting paid I could barely even survive on my own not being able to buy me a plane ticket home.
It’s not like I could not just ask my best friend for money. He somehow became one of the most well known football players of the world and managed to earn quiet some money with his passion and love for the ball. It has always surprised me when people started noticing and recognizing him whenever we strolled through the city. He was my best friend for years already and I had to start sharing him with the fans and the press the media with everyone. It took me some time to get used to that but I did. I supported him no matter what and he always did the same with me but I haven’t seen him in weeks due to his busy schedule and my phase of whatever I was in.
I was always different to normal girls my age. I would always prefer comfy clothe rather than wearing a dress, I would go out without make up rather than walking around like a barbie doll. But as much as I liked being different it always caused me strange looks from other people and people avoiding my company or talking to me. I barely had any friends in high school and after I moved away to study that somehow had slightly changed I had come into that group of people including Antoine. And they maybe weren’t exactly like me but we had the same interests and we got a long.
But I never quiet got over being left out, it has made a different appearance on me than I expected it to. I always thought i would get used to it and honestly by all the years I probably should have, but I didn’t. I can’t just ignore what people think of me or who the look at me.
That’s why it took me time to get used to Antoine become well known at all. Because people saw us hanging out and immediately wanted to know everything about me. People started taking about me and not everyone was a fan of me. I just ignored it most of the time or tried not to read the comments on my Instagram account. But it wasn’t always that easy to be honest. More often it was hard. And I found myself crying myself to sleep again like I used to do while I was still in High school.
I had problems with myself and it wasn’t in a oh I’m in depression, I think I need to cut myself that the boy I love notices me and tries to fix me. It was in a theres no one who would even consider to fix me and even breathing seems hard.
So I was stressed out and my job and my depression and my lack of sleep all came together. So here I was at 12am in the middle of the night sitting at my balcony.
A cigarette in my hand and me thinking of life. That was a scenario that happened more than often lately. I wasn’t a girl who smoked on a daily basis. I knew better than that, I knew damn well that those things were killing you and destroy you, I knew that. But I also knew how they were making me feel and how one draw was filing me with nothing but relax and a feeling of being alive.
And so I found myself not only smoking every few months on a party or something but rather almost every day for the past few weeks. I knew it wasn’t the best idea. And the morning after I even regretted it because it wasn’t healthy, it could kill me at some point. But in the evening I still found myself grabbing the packet and sitting down on of the chairs smoking a cigarette or two and watching the lights of the town.
Thinking about how everything was so different a year ago and how it could even got that far. How I got so much better with handling things and myself only to come it rushing down now. There actually wasn’t even an event that caused it all I guess it was just so many factors coming all together.
And look at me now. Where I got to now.
I thought about my parents, if they saw me now what would they think? I almost laughed out. they would probably be disappointed or probably mostly be sad and ask themselves what they did wrong in their education. I didn’t wanted them to feel bad because they did nothing wrong they were the most genuine persons I knew. And I could always turn to them if I needed help.
But they couldn’t help me and especially not when i was here and they were there. When it was something they didn’t even really knew about. They didn’t even really knew me anymore did they? I had planned to come to Spain and study here but I had finished my studies 1 and a half years ago and had started to look for a shop it surprisingly didn’t take me long at all. I found the one I was still working for now, I started working as soon as possible. I worked as a journalist and even through it was something I always loved to do and I still did. It was something so temporary, I knew everything is temporary. But you have a good article than everyone is expecting so much and then you have a bad one and everyone immediately is disappointed in you.
I even thought about my younger brother, he had only been two years younger than me, he had always been the correct one. Whenever I was getting drunk or driving with the bus without a ticket he was getting mad at me. I laughed it off, not taking him serious. I was always mean to him when everything he ever did was be proud of me and be there for me. He supported me and I could not even show it.
And that’s why I was not surprised with people running away or avoiding me I was a really fucked up person i was hard to handle. That’s why I sometimes didn’t get why Antoine was still my best friend. He knew everything about me and was still with me.
I heard a noise coming from inside my apart and as my heart began to beat faster and my mind already making up a plan how I could handle the housebreaker who would come get me any second. I breathed out relieved as I saw it was Antoine walking in the living room. As he saw me he stepped outside the balcony and sat down on one of the chairs beside.
„Hey there“ he said and gave me one of his smiles. I only ever saw him smiling. He was honestly the person you would call a sunshine, he was happiness in a person. I only ever sometimes saw a frown playing on his lips when he was muttering some cussing under his breath, when he missed a goal or someone was pissing him off.
„Hey“ I said and gave him a weak smile.
„I didn’t knew you smoke“ he said and his eyebrows furrowed together as he was looking at the cigarette between my fingers. He in deed did not know that. I haven’t seen him in weeks and whenever I did smoke one it was at parties I did not attend with him.
„I only sometimes do“ I shrugged taking another draw. And breathing out the smoke in the cold midnight.
„And why right now?“ he asked. I could feel him looking at me from the corner of my eye but I didn’t bother to look at him.
„I’m just stressed out. It calms me down“
„You do know how dangerous those things are?“ he asked. Of course I do.
„I do know, Antoine. And I’m honestly only doing it because it calms me down. I’m not even smoking that often“ I said and shook my head I blew out the last bit of smoke and finished my cigarette by pressing the cigarette in the ashtray beside me.
„And how much did you smoke the last few weeks?“ Antoine asked and looked skeptically at the ash tray between us which was full of cigarettes. I did understand why he was making it such a big deal. Cigarettes were dangerous but everyone always thought they need to lecture me about that. And I do know it and I do know when t stop at least I did.
„Too many“ I said still not looking at him, I refused to. i did not want to look into his eyes and see disappointment.
„What is it you’re so stressed about? You could have just called me you know? I would have been here if you needed me to“ he said.
„I know and I appreciate that really“
„I thought I could handle it on my own“
„Well I can tell you you can’t“ he said and I turned around to finally look at him and his eyes weren’t filled with disappointment bur rather with worry.
„So please just tell me what is stressing you out? What’s going on?“ he asked asked and I closed my eyes for a second swallowing.
Of course I could change the topic and just tell him I didn’t wanted to talk about it, I’m sure he would understand but he was here and he was willing to listen to me and I knew I could trust him.
„Work is stressing me out. Because my boss keeps yelling at me and there’s so much pressure on me for finishing up the articles“ I started.
„But theres more?“ he asked and I nodded as he gestured me to continue.
„I’m just-„ I started shaking my head. How could I even put that into words.
„I just hate my life, Antoine. I hate myself. I hate what I turned into, how I’m living. I hate how I’m overthinking everything how everyone his running away how my boss is yelling at me, how my hair looks so bad for months, how I can’t buy my favorite ice cream anymore because my boss is paying me not enough money, i hate how unhappy i am“ i blurted out. tears had welled up in my eyes already but I wouldn’t let them out yet. I was not a person to cry in front of someone.
Antoine starred at me his mouth open like he was wanting to say something, but he closed it again and pressed his lips together.
„I didn’t knew you felt that way“ he said and I wanted to say something, wanted to tell him that it’s fine that I was used to this and I would be just fine. And that he did not need to worry. But before I even could he started talking again.
„But those are no things that you can’t change you know? You hate your job fine. Then stop working there, you love your job but hate your boss. Start working somewhere else don’t go through that kind of stress. I’ll help you find a new one. You hate how everyone is running away? Well I’m still here. I have been for years and I won’t stop anytime soon. You hate your hair? then get a haircut and change your color or do something different. You hate things about you like over thinking? you can stop that. It takes time but it’s nothing you could not work on. And you hate that you can’t buy your favorite well guess what I put in your freezer half an hour ago? You do not realize what’s actually there for you. You do not have to go through that stress. You do not have to hate your life unless you want to“ he said and by then tears streamed down my cheeks. As son as he was finished I got off of my seat and sat on his lap. I wrapped my arms around hi and buried my face in his neck.
No one actually ever talked to me like that they would always say well then just start loving yourself, but if that would have been so easy. Antoine wrapped his arms around me.
„I’m here for you and we get through this okay?“ he said and I pulled out to look up at him.
„Thank you. I honestly wouldn’t know what I would do without you“ I said and a smile played on his lips.
„I would do anything for you“ he said and a smile now formed on my lips too.
And he did helped me, he has always helped me with being there for me. But he helped me with finding a new job, which gave me enough money so my favorite ice cream was in my freezer all the time, so I could go to the hair salon once a month to get a new hair cut or just get them styled so I felt pretty, he did not help me to work on myself because I had to do that myself and I slowly started to do better but he did help me with stopping to smoke and learning to love my life again.