Bottled

Forgive me mother for I have chosen death.
I’m not cut out for this life,
never have been,
not since my first breath.
Afraid of people,
Afraid of being alone,
When I’m home I want to be away,
When I’m away I want to be home.

In my deepest darkest depths
is when I lust for life the most.

Those simple things,
that seem to satisfy so many,
were just never enough for me.
I want it the most when it’s most unattainable.
I have always been a lover of pipe dreams.
The ones too far away to come true.

-Alex

tips for drug users

*** I AM NOT RECOMMENDING YOU TAKE ILLEGAL DRUGS OR ABUSE PRESCRIPTION DRUGS… THIS IS FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE STRUGGLING WITH ADDICTION OR DO NOT PLAN ON BEING SOBER CURRENTLY***

1. look up the drug before you just buy it. nothing is worse than buying tester chemicals or fakes for full price and risking overdose or death. look up how much people take at your weight, how long it lasts, how it interacts with other drugs etc.

2. never take drugs when you’re out if nobody has a phone w/ charge. in the case of an emergency you should have easy access to a phone.

3. ask your dealer if they have done the drugs they’re selling you… especially with powders like cocaine, heroin, ecstasy etc. if they claim that their stuff is pure they are definitely lying. most powders are cut w/ vitamins and shit like aspirin.

4. drink water in slow sips ALWAYS. being dehydrated makes coming down feel AWFUL and it worsens withdrawals. i did coke that was laced with (most likely) heroin once and i was so dehydrated that i started to hallucinate. my boyfriend had to make me sip warm water and my lips were cracked for weeks.

5. alternate nostrils when snorting. your nose could bleed and you might be too fucked up to take care of it… also, put water in your hands and wet your nose. it will lubricate it and wash away any left over powder.

6. use clean paper when snorting… not money. it’s dirty as fuck

7. never take drugs if you have the flu or a fever

8. go out prepared. bring a water bottle, extra money, napkins, tylenol or whatever else you might need, especially if you most likely wont end up home that night.

9. if you show up to a hospital or call and ambulance and don’t have drugs on your person, they cannot arrest you. do not make this your deciding factor in getting emergency help… call poison control first if you’re too nervous to make the call.

10. buy melatonin for when you do uppers. cocaine, molly, adderal, etc. can leave you up all night and taking two or three melatonin tablets can really help

11. try to eat a nutritious meal an hour or two before you go out. you will have digested it enough that you wont puke when you use BUT you will also have something in your stomach to give you energy.

12. if you are seriously concerned about your drug use, call a hotline or ask someone you trust to help you find a program. there are many many affordable options as well as some that are free.

13. don’t drugs with people that you don’t know. having at least one friend is very helpful, they will care more about your health/safety.

14. make a Lyft (cheaper alternative to uber) account and download SafeTrek (an app that calls the police to your location at the press of a button… it is designed to protect people from sexual assault which happens a lot more when people are fucked up)

15. i know we’ve all heard this but, never leave your drink unattended. you may FEEL like there could never be a rapist trying to drug you but you can’t ever really tell.

16. party and drug friends most likely won’t be there for you if you decide to be sober. keep your relationships with other friends strong even though you might think they’re lame or that they don’t understand you.

17. marijuana has been supremely helpful for me as I have been getting clean from a year long period of heavily using opiates, cocaine, psychedelics, ketamine, alcohol among other things. it alleviates a lot of withdrawal symptoms and it is so much safer than other drugs.

18. people may tell you to go cold turkey (stop taking your problem drug/s all at once) BUT, a lot of drugs have withdrawal symptoms so serious that it can kill you. consult with a doctor, psychiatrist as you go sober. if you can’t afford that, use online resources (not drug user forums!!!)

AND FINALLY,

you aren’t a failure. you can still accomplish great things. there is a way for you to find happiness outside of substances. there is love and creativity beyond pills,tabs, and powders. i love you all and i believe you.

“once you felt the rush after you shoot up, you will never forget it and you will never be the same. it really doesn’t matter how long you’ve been sober. and even though sobriety is beautiful, nothing will ever compare to the feeling you once had. you might deny it. eventually, you might even believe it. you might try not to think about it, you might try to forget, but you will always remember it. usually you will hate to remember it, but sometimes you will love it. you will dream of it. that’s the price every addict pays, it’s a curse every addict lives with for the rest of their days and the worst, the saddest and the most painful part of it is that sometimes, just sometimes you will wish you could feel it once again, without falling right back to active addiction… but you can’t.”

- 260 hours of sobriety