Recovery is a conscious choice. It’s not something brought about by repeat hospital visits and pills and forced therapy sessions. Those things only supplement it. But what recovery really is, is a conscious choice to wake up tomorrow and want to live. It’s a choice to drive across a bridge and not want to jump into the water, but to admire the view.
I can’t do it anymore. I don’t drink every day. but I do drink every weekend. usually Friday and Saturday night. usually alone. It starts as an innocent few drinks as I clean the apartment and watch a movie. but then I wake up the next morning and can’t remember half the night.
I wake up to a dozen tweets I don’t remember doing. texts I don’t remember sending. photos I don’t remember taking.
I don’t consider myself to be an alcoholic because I don’t need it to function, and I truly only do it on the weekends. but what I do know is that every time I wake up after a night of drinking, I hate myself a little bit more. it usually takes at least a day to recover both physically and emotionally. the anxiety is overwhelming, and the self-loathing is unbearable.
so, I’m done. I don’t know if this will be permanent, but I’m going to give myself a goal of 30 days. I want to see the impact it will have on my mental and physical health.
thank you for reading and I hope this helps hold me accountable.
That is what my childhood best friend told me today as she smoked herself up…in front of me. She knows I’m sober and clean. She knows I’m trying really hard to right past mistakes and create a better life for myself.
I’m terrible at being assertive when it comes down to things like this. I know this and yet I still keep people in my life around who threaten my recovery. Why would I do that to myself you ask? I have no fucking idea.
I like chaos.
I like getting high.
I like getting drunk.
I like not feeling anything.
I love it.
But I love myself more. I love my family more. I love my sober life more. I will choose recovery over and over.
And I’m choosing to cut her out.
If you struggle with something similar, realize this: your old friends will never change their ways. They say they are supportive but what that really means is they will put the beer bottle to your lips and the drugs in your hand. So choose recovery every fucking time. You have to break the cycle and they will do everything to draw you back in.