Recovery is a conscious choice. It’s not something brought about by repeat hospital visits and pills and forced therapy sessions. Those things only supplement it. But what recovery really is, is a conscious choice to wake up tomorrow and want to live. It’s a choice to drive across a bridge and not want to jump into the water, but to admire the view.
That is what my childhood best friend told me today as she smoked herself up…in front of me. She knows I’m sober and clean. She knows I’m trying really hard to right past mistakes and create a better life for myself.
I’m terrible at being assertive when it comes down to things like this. I know this and yet I still keep people in my life around who threaten my recovery. Why would I do that to myself you ask? I have no fucking idea.
I like chaos.
I like getting high.
I like getting drunk.
I like not feeling anything.
I love it.
But I love myself more. I love my family more. I love my sober life more. I will choose recovery over and over.
And I’m choosing to cut her out.
If you struggle with something similar, realize this: your old friends will never change their ways. They say they are supportive but what that really means is they will put the beer bottle to your lips and the drugs in your hand. So choose recovery every fucking time. You have to break the cycle and they will do everything to draw you back in.
Sorry if I’ve been absent but while I was away, after 13 years of drug and alcohol abuse which got severely more intense after my arrest and jailing in 2013 because of what the police did to me, I finally hit rock bottom. Taking 121 pillls of clobazam was only the beginning. Then came the 8ball of cocaine and endless amounts of crystal meth all combined with alcohol.
My body can handle no more. I was losing my ability to walk and talk, I could barely function.
So I’ve decided it’s now or never and I went through detox and am now in recovery. I’m 100% clean and made it through detox and I’m ready and excited to live a clean and healthy life not only for me but for those around me.
Man, does it feel good to not have to worry about getting a fix everyday.. and I’m sincerely sorry for anybody that has been negatively effected by my addictions. I will right my wrongs and prove to myself and everyone that I can do this.
The needle and spoon are down and so is the razor blade and alcohol is just toxic, thinking about it makes me feel sick.