Recovery is a conscious choice. It’s not something brought about by repeat hospital visits and pills and forced therapy sessions. Those things only supplement it. But what recovery really is, is a conscious choice to wake up tomorrow and want to live. It’s a choice to drive across a bridge and not want to jump into the water, but to admire the view.
That is what my childhood best friend told me today as she smoked herself up…in front of me. She knows I’m sober and clean. She knows I’m trying really hard to right past mistakes and create a better life for myself.
I’m terrible at being assertive when it comes down to things like this. I know this and yet I still keep people in my life around who threaten my recovery. Why would I do that to myself you ask? I have no fucking idea.
I like chaos.
I like getting high.
I like getting drunk.
I like not feeling anything.
I love it.
But I love myself more. I love my family more. I love my sober life more. I will choose recovery over and over.
And I’m choosing to cut her out.
If you struggle with something similar, realize this: your old friends will never change their ways. They say they are supportive but what that really means is they will put the beer bottle to your lips and the drugs in your hand. So choose recovery every fucking time. You have to break the cycle and they will do everything to draw you back in.
Today marks my 5th month without a single drink. Part of me feels like more time has passed, and the other part feels like less time has gone by. The changes over these 5 months seems pretty amazing. I rarely get the desire to drink, let alone the desire to drink every day. I feel more energetic and happy with my life. I feel like I am growing as a person since I quit. The best part of this change is that there is no regret. Never once have I thought of going back and not making this decision. 5 months down and a lifetime to go!
Good lord, especially in the beginning. All I could do was sit around and think about drinking and doing drugs. It’s gotten easier but I have days where the cravings are so unbearable.
Today is one of them.
I hate being a 27 year old alcoholic and drug addict. The addict in me wishes so badly that I could drink socially. But the sober part of me rationalizes this.
I’ve always struggled with addiction. I knew at 15, alcohol didn’t affect me the same way as it did my friends. It’s always going to affect my differently but sometimes it’s still hard for me to see that.
But I know this:
1. Alcohol makes me into a person I hate and who others dislike.
2. I lie, steal, and manipulate when I’m drinking or doing drugs.
3. Financially, it ruined my life.
4. My mental health suffered when I was drinking.
5. My physical health suffered when I was drinking.
6. I lost friends and family members due to my drug use and alcoholism.
7. Nothing else mattered to me besides my next drink or drug.
8. I didn’t experience life to the fullest.
9. I lost countless jobs because I was too hungover from the night before to go into work.
10. I lost myself.
The list goes on and on. Those are just a few things that I have to remember when I think about drinking or using.