Forgive me mother for I have chosen death.
I’m not cut out for this life,
never have been,
not since my first breath.
Afraid of people,
Afraid of being alone,
When I’m home I want to be away,
When I’m away I want to be home.
In my deepest darkest depths
is when I lust for life the most.
Those simple things,
that seem to satisfy so many,
were just never enough for me.
I want it the most when it’s most unattainable.
I have always been a lover of pipe dreams.
The ones too far away to come true.
I am haunted
by these feelings that I cannot explain.
of thoughts wandering through
the wasteland that is my brain.
If I could only make sense of them,
hold on to them,
then I could create something,
It doesn’t mean much to most people but three days from now marks two months that I’ve been sober, which I haven’t been since I was idk, twelve? From drinking pretty much every day and being depressed and unhealthy for the past year or so to this, I’m really proud of myself. I was to the point i wasn’t drinking to have fun, I was drinking to numb myself. I did a lot of crying and reflecting on my life and it made me sick. I was gaining weight, pushing my friends away, worrying my family and most importantly losing myself and my identity. Enough is enough. I can now confidently say I’m addicted to the gym and that’s a much better replacement. Im not physically where i want to be, but ive lost 18 pounds in two months. Im more confident. I feel clear headed. Im constantly pushing myself. Im about 7 pounds away from my old weight before i started abusing alcohol. Im excited to continue my health journey. Cheers to physical and mental health 🤗
I never imagined that I would become addicted to drugs and alcohol. I didn’t want to face reality. So I escaped it. I never imagined I’d be that person who would lie to friends and family in
order to hide the pain, fear, drugs and alcohol. But I did. I hurt them deeply. I never imagined that I would overdose My friends called the paramedics. I scared them. I never imagined that I would go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I was shaking. I was not judged. I never imagined that I would endure through withdrawals. I suffered. It was so hard. I never imagined that I would make it to 30 days clean and sober. I began to see hope. I received a sobriety chip. I never imagined that I would make my parents proud by staying clean
and sober. I felt my heart soar. They said they loved me and were so proud of me. I never imagined that I would face life’s challenges with clarity and
courage. I am in recovery. I take things one day at a time.
527 Days Clean and Sober .
In the midst of my depressive state
I’m gifted with a little break
Where the anxiety dissipates
As the indifference fades,
The sadness breaks
And joy rears its lovely face,
I come to believe that life’s okay
A feeling not entirely unknown
Feeling like it’s not entirely my own
Warm, peaceful type feeling
Feeling makes me feel like
I wasn’t going to post anything when I got 6 months. I am not sure why. But just now I decided that it is something worth celebrating. Every single week I don’t drink is worth celebrating. Every single day is worth celebrating. Hell, every single hour I am sober is worth celebrating.
If you just relapsed and just had the strength to put down whatever drink or drug you were doing then I am so fucking proud of you.
Be proud of your accomplishments. No matter how big or little.
I actually hate it when I crave booze. My thoughts are always; “are we not past this yet?” My reality is that I will never get past this addiction thing. It will follow me for the rest of my life. I can run far away but it where I go it follows me. I will never again enjoy a glass of wine or a beer with my friends on a hot summer day. Today I missed that. I did have times where I was able to enjoy a drink with a friend (s) without getting wasted.
So was I really an alcoholic? The answer to that is yes. because I can recall craving for more alcohol. Going home after visiting friends annoyed and unhappy because there was no liquor in the house. Eventually more often than not, those cravings would find me at a liquor store with a bottle in my hand. One was and never will be enough for me.
I have to keep things in perspective when these moments happen. Having a beer with friend is not worth me throwing away my life.
I went from a homeless junkie to a sober mom who is beyond blessed. I went from having nothing to having a job, money I can actually save, & everything I need. I went from having no one to being surrounded by a group of beautiful people that support me all the way. You can make it out. It is possible. I know so well how you can feel hopeless & alone so hopefully this can be an inspiration to help someone… 😊 💕
14 days of Outpatient!!! That's 2 Weeks Clean And Sober!!!!
I have been working my ass off for two weeks!!! It’s been rough to go through all these horrendous withdrawals but now all these emotions are flooding my mind and it makes it even more difficult, I’m struggling. So I woke up and got dressed in comfy shorts and a light shirt to keep me cool cuz ik I’m going to be sweating. I get to the clinic and hop right in line and window two opens this is my third day on my 50mg dose. Today I think it finally hit me my sobriety needs to be forever it’s NOT just a break from getting high then return back to my old ways, I’m done that was it….no more dope :/!!! My anxiety kicks in and anger, frustration and all these aggressive emotions fill me up. I’m not happy, I haven’t found anything that brings me joy or happiness. I’m just empty there is no more excitement or joy, see when I was high I got that and now that I’ve lost that high I feel like I lost everything. I’m happy about my 14 days (2 weeks!!!) & all but these emotions and all the uncertainty of what the future holds take my happinesses away pretty quickly. I just hope tomorrow when I met with my counselor for our first session together she can help me sort through all these feelings. I just hope I don’t freeze up and shut down and say nothing; and work through nothing…. because I really need to get my mind right. I feel like I’m at a really fragile state, I just hope I don’t break….. One second at a time…