More often than not I use the Like Button less to say I “like” something more to say, “I have heard you, you have spoken and someone else has paid attention. What you said has validity and it matters to someone. It matters to me.”
It is my way of saying, I am here and you are here. You have spoken and I have listened. What could be more intimate than that?
A new mile stone for me (and get used to it, I am going to celebrate every single one of them). I am officially two weeks sober. As in fourteen days, as in I get to use the plural of week from now on. I am going to make it this time, I am going to stay sober. I honestly probably not have been two weeks completely sober since i started drinking at 18. This is huge and I am very humbled. Thanks for all the support everyone!
Last night I had some “cravings.” I use quotations because I do not know how to describe them, they were almost like ghost cravings. It wasn’t that I was feeling the strong, compulsive pull I used to feel but more of a weaker, more haunting echo in the back of my mind. I did not succumb and after I went to swim practice it was all but gone. The strange thing was that it happened in the middle of the day.
Yesterday, I did not get a chance to work out. I couldn’t go running, I didn’t have swim practice, and I just did not have the energy to do core work when I got home. I was so exhausted. But it gave me anxiety not to work out. I felt guilty, as if I was failing something. I am not training for anything so I wouldn’t be failing anything. But still… I felt that way.
Weekdays are starting to get easier. I think about wanting a drink less. But what is getting harder is the looming abyss of forever. No more alcohol, no more drunkenness, no more red wine. I know that this should not bother me but it does. As one blogger I follow on tumblr said, “I want the abandon.” I get that. I miss it, too. But as another blogger pointed out, dealing with the future is scary, even after four years of sobriety. Focus on today.
I can be sober for today. It makes forever seem smaller, at least.
I’ve thought about pills, hey! I’m not addicted to those.
I just want to feel high, or elevated. I, of course, am over analyzing the want, I’m thankful it’s no longer a need. I’m thankful I can make it through a hard day and not think I deserve to get annihilated. But, the want is still there.
I WANT the abandon
I WANT the danger
I want to hear music the way I did when drunk. Ethereal, and soulful.
I want my heart to skip beats, and feel raw with love.
I want emotion, irrational, and poetic.
Killing my demons has meant silencing the chaotic impulses of lust, sorrow, and existential wonder. I feel blah, I feel safe, and i feel rational.
I’ve functioned, and breathed in such a dramatic world for so long, it almost feels wrong, or dishonest to be letting go of it.