sober journey

Can we talk about how absolutely traumatic the original ending of Fallout 3 would’ve been for Butch if Lone died.

- His last connection to Vault 101 is gone. He can’t go home. They never wanted him there anyway and if Amata kicked out her best friend, there is no way she’d let him back in.

- Lone is the glue that holds the group (Charon, Fawkes, Dogmeat, Butch, etc) together. For a brief moment, Butch had the gang, the family, he always dreamed about, and now besides Dogmeat and maybe Charon he’s alone.

- The BoS probably wouldn’t let him stay long if he wasn’t planning on joining. Butch wouldn’t care anyway, but he’d remain bitter about them being cowards and letting a teenager die for the rest of his life.

- He burns his vault suit after people inevitably mistake him for Lone.

- As a vault dweller, most now consider him the new Lone and savior of the wastes. Three Dog probably crowns him the new “crazy kid from Vault 101” and the pressure of being just as great as Lone eats at him.

- The predictable moment when the Wastelanders realize this and think of him as a disappointment.

- More hangovers in the Rivet City jail and Harkness’ annoyance with him becoming pity.

- When stopping by Megaton, he drunkenly stops by Lone’s old house, forgetting that they’re gone, and finds the jacket he gave them. He never goes back.

- He knows the only way he’ll ever escape Lone’s shadow is by leaving D.C. and so sets his sights out West in New Vegas, where no one gives a damn what you do and no one is ever sober. After journeying for months, he gets a gig as a Courier for the Mojave Express.

50 things I learned from 2 years of sobriety

In celebration of my anniversary, I wanted to write out some of the things I’ve learned over the past two years. 

  1. At first, you don’t know how to live your life without alcohol, and it seems impossible. One day without it seems like a crazy idea.
  2. The first day sober feels like a giant victory, and you can’t remember the last time you woke up without a hangover.
  3. You don’t know what to do with yourself when you have an urge to drink. I would constantly have a water bottle with me to sip out of instead.
  4. Your sense of taste and smell greatly increases.
  5. You notice every alcohol bottle, beer can, wine glass, liquor store, open drink, stocked fridge, new brewery, and spirits menu.
  6. Your emotions are all over the place because alcohol was your stress-reliever.
  7. You may not yet consider yourself an alcoholic, but just simply “taking a break.”
  8. Not everyone will understand why you stopped drinking, and they may judge you for it.
  9. The first 30 days feels like an eternity.
  10. You might be scared to go to AA meetings.
  11. You might go to meetings and hide in the back, hoping no one will notice you.
  12. You might leave the meetings ASAP so you can avoid talking with anyone.
  13. You constantly battle the idea of whether you’re an alcoholic or not.
  14. You read self-help books and gain insight that lasts about 10 minutes.
  15. You go to therapy and minimize your problems.
  16. In therapy you also realize that you’re having to start your life over. You have to change people, places, and things to keep you sober.
  17. Your family will be your biggest fans in your sobriety. Look to them when you feel afraid.
  18. Parties will be very difficult if alcohol is around. It’s okay to walk out if you have to.
  19. Some AA meetings will be very inspiring, others will be boring, but none of them are a waste of time.
  20. Waiting to get a sponsor will only make staying sober 10x harder. They are your best ally, confidant, and support system.
  21. After a few months of feeling sober, you realize how “foggy” your brain really was when you first began. Clarity sets in.
  22. Meeting with a psychiatrist is nothing to be afraid of. Taking medication can help your brain function better while you’re rebuilding a healthy mind.
  23. You will want SO MUCH SUGAR. If you didn’t have a sweet tooth before, you definitely will.
  24. You might over-indulge in caffeine, exercise, shopping, and other activities.
  25. Praying is always a good idea.
  26. People may tell you how you should feel, but you’re allowed to feel the things you do.
  27. Some people may not understand why it is difficult for you to quit drinking, when it’s “no big deal” for them. They probably don’t have an addiction.
  28. The hardest thing is to deal with life on life’s terms. Learning how to cope with uncomfortable or painful situations without alcohol is the biggest hurdle.
  29. Your friends, or people you thought were your friends, will change when you stop drinking. True friends, the ones that you should cherish, will not abandon you. They will love you and support you in becoming a healthy person again.
  30. If you’re like me, you may have quit alcohol to lose weight. Later on you realized it was a real problem that you had, even if you were functioning.
  31. There are many functioning alcoholics in the world. This means they still go to work & pay the bills, but are still excessively drinking.
  32. You don’t have to hit rock bottom to want your life to be better.
  33. If you have anxiety or depression, it will likely get worse when you stop self-medicating.
  34. You will start to evaluate all your relationships and ask yourself if they are healthy and supportive.
  35. You may feel like an outcast if you’re publicly shamed for not drinking.
  36. You’ll realize that people who judge you for not drinking usually have some sort of problem they are avoiding themselves.
  37. The more AA meetings you go to, the more you start to feel like a Veteran. It’s no longer scary and you feel safer than ever in those rooms.
  38. You will start to care more about your appearance and take better care of yourself.
  39. You will find things to keep you occupied, like coloring, crafting, music, the internet, to help ease your restlessness.
  40. People will start to ask you for advice about quitting drinking. You might find out that the last person you thought would come to you, will.
  41. You start to enjoy the simple things in life again; sunshine, walking the dogs, photography, spending time with family, etc.
  42. You wonder if people who are constantly talking about alcohol are as sick as you were.
  43. Your sleep will improve immensely.
  44. You are more productive and may want to work towards future goals.
  45. The smell of alcohol on someone’s breath will become repulsive.
  46. You will have bad days that you fight to stay sober. Sometimes it’s taking it minute by minute.
  47. You will realize how much you missed out on while you were drinking. It might make you sad, but you now have the opportunity to enjoy every moment in a day.
  48. You will want to help other people who are suffering, but sometimes you have to walk away from a cancerous situation.
  49. If you ever have a craving, or are thinking about taking a drink, remember why you started this sober journey in the first place.
  50. The problem for us was not alcohol. Alcohol was our solution. Eventually that solution stopped working and lead us to insanity. From insanity, we had to rebuild and relearn how to cope with life.
But here’s the rub of addiction. By its nature, people afflicted are unable to do what, from the outside, appears to be a simple solution—don’t drink. Don’t use drugs. In exchange for that one small sacrifice, you will be given a gift that other terminally ill people would give anything for: life.
Here's an Update.

I can’t quite give an exact date to my sobriety. I don’t even want to, in fear of fucking this up. Even tapering off Suboxone, some would say “that’s not considered sober.” But, it is used to help ease withdrawal and other symptoms. So if you ask me…I’ve never been more sober. Fuck it..anyway…I’ve probably been off pills for almost 3 months now. I still crave the feeling every…single…day. I now understand why they call this a disease. I used to look at drug addicts and say “why don’t you just stop.” “If you want to quit so bad, why don’t you just do it.?” “How’d you let it get so far.? Don’t you know your limits.?” …but once you are on the other side of that fence, everything is different. You finally understand all the ins and outs. It physically changes your brain chemistry to be this drug hungry shell of a person, even after being miles and miles away from it. It’s “the monster that llives under your bed” but in reality, that monster has become your shadow. Anyway, I can honestly say I haven’t had a pill in almost 3 months, drank in 2 months (had a couple beers at a funeral) but before then it was about 5 months ago, and haven’t had a cigarette in 3 days. Welcome to my sober life. The only addiction I have now is working and writing. Sometimes it’s hard to write about addiction because I think about getting high more often than usual, but it’s sort of a therapy I guess. I mean, I can’t afford therapy…so this is as good as it gets.

There is something wonderful about the relationship between Sherlock and Watson.  Not just their journey as sober companion and detective, and then partners.  There is a deep friendship that is developing and we’ve kind of built that over the last, I guess, 100 episodes.  — Lucy Liu

I like the fact that it’s odd.  I like the fact that they can antagonise each other and still be great friends.  I like the fact that it’s not romantic.  I like the fact that it’s Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.  That’s really, really what I like about it.  — Jonny Lee Miller
—  The cast reflects on what really matters after 100 episodes of Elementary!
Wise Fools

The first person I ever learned to hate was my father. The second was myself.

Growing up my father was skilled in many areas; be it sales, construction, home cooking or real estate. But for all his knowledge he was the worst teacher I ever had. He hurled messages at me instead of hand delivering them, and demanded my development without the patience to develop me. When I made mistakes he would explode instead of explain. His method of correction was yelling or beating me, so I learned what not to do, rather than what I should do and why. Learning through fear produced resentment not only for the instructor but for the instructions as well. I nervously watched him rush about the house like a scowling tempest ready to scathe. He hoarded his time like a favorite candy and looked at me as if I were a pest with a sweet tooth.

As a businessman he was wise and efficient, but as a father he was a wise fool lacking the patience to use his wisdom efficiently. He was a great provider who parented miserably. A person without patience never completes their job.

The word patience comes from the Latin word, patientem, from pati, which means, “to suffer, endure”. In the case of the Self, “to suffer” and “endure”, is a privilege. Patience is a vigorous and engaging process that demands your attention. For most people it is a burden and avoided at all costs. This is because most people view time as the Sword of Damocles, and run around like courtiers with their heads about to be cut off. Their days are spent racing toward a finish line rather than a starting point.

Patience however, deeply roots you in the soil of Self. Impatience, is merely a consequence of uprooting yourself from within. Once you abandon your natural home, you hand yourself over to all that exists outside of you. You become a receptacle for the world’s waste, deprived of discernment, a plaster to be casted by foreign hands into the ‘mold of the moment’. The danger is that you are not operating within the moment, but being operated on by it. You are relinquishing your wisdom.

The word wisdom stems from the PIE (Proto-Indo-European) root, weid, meaning, ”to see, to know”. It is something every living thing is born with, for without it they could not perpetuate their own existence. The problem occurs when we ignore this wisdom and abandon ourselves in search of acceptance, or neglect our intelligence by avoiding the rigors of thinking, turning our back on wisdom as well as ourselves.

Nothing exists outside of you without something inside of you to perceive it. Thus, there exists nothing more important than yourself. There is no one else more deserving of your patience than you. Walk yourself through every moment, talk yourself through every obstacle, and instruct yourself from within.

Wisdom is inborn, ignorance is learned. Study your Self and follow its instructions.

Ang Mga Huling Sabado Ng Mayo, Unang Bahagi.

Sharought!


Hahaha pakaarte ng title, hakhakhak. Kala mo sobrang lalim ng isusulat ko, shet. Pero namiss ko lang talaga magblog, ‘yung legit na blog ha? Iyong magkukuwento ako dito mismo sa Tumblr, hindi iyong copy paste status from my Facebook statuses.

At, ang sarap magtype sa kumpletong keyboard! (Yes, sira kasi keyboards ng laptop ko, wala ako pampagawa, expensive ng Macbook badtreep, since wala kapatid ko sa bahay, ginamit ko muna desktop. :D )

Una sa lahat, gusto kong palakpakan niyo ako. HAHAHA


Hoy! Deserve ko ng palakpakan, swear. Bakit? Syempre ‘no! Hellooooo Sunday ngayon at umaga? Pero nakakapagblog ako. Anong bago? Korek, ‘di ako lasing!!!!!!!!!! O palakpakan na!!!!!!


*insert your masigabong palakpakans here*


Okay okay, calm yo titz bitches. Hahaha. Shet, ‘di ako uminom. Totoo, alcohol free akong umuwi. Feeling ko may fiesta sa bituka at kidney ko later hahahaha.


Today starts my hashtag sober journey. Yas beeeetch, sober na muna ako. Ayoko na maglasing. Ayoko na muna uminom. 


Baket?


Kasi I spiraled out of control. Nasosobrahan na ako sa alak. Dumarating na ako sa point na ‘di ko na nakokontrol sarili ko pag nalalasing ako, at mas matindi, hindi ko naaalala mga nagagawa ko,which does harm to my friends. Yep, I know, alarming. And the only way to control myself is to actually stop taking the main substance that triggers my i-will-never-remember-this-tomorrow self.


And I’m so proud to say. Ehem. Wait, drum roll….


NagPool Palace at Valkyrie kami kagabi and woof,wala ako ininom na alak. hahaha. Napurga ako ng softdrinks. Grabe ‘yung temptation kagabi sobrang pigil na pigil ako. May eksena nga na pinapainom ni Besty Carlo si Waffle Henry ng alak tapos tumatapon na ‘yung alak mula sa labi ni Waffle, like umaagos na, grabe!!!!! Para akong bampira na uhaw na uhaw sa dugo Sobrang tempting pero grabe, nagstick ako sa Coke ko. Kinaya ko. Kahit na nandu’n rin sila Lea and company na pinakamahirap tanggihan sa inuman, natanggihan ko. So yes, palakpakan ulit!!!!!

*insert your second set of masigabong palakpakans here*

I want to be better and I want my friends back, and right now, the only thing that separates me from them is my addiction to alcohol, and my uncontrollable behavior after I got too much.


I will win my friends back.


At magpapalakpakan kayo ulit, promise. :)


Love and moonlight,

Inah Evans~

The Universe is never wrong.

I just have to share this story, because I’ve never been this close to ruining something good in my life…at least not while I’m cognizant of it.

Last night, I made plans to go to a bar and wish a friend of mine a happy birthday. She is having a rough time right now, and really needs friends. A bar is not a place for an alcoholic, so I asked a gal pal of mine to come with me and be my sober date. This was all supposed to happen at 9pm.

Well, I’m up in the city without a car, and it is QUITE freezing. So, wherever I go, I’m either stuck there or I’m takin a cab. My friend dropped me off to get my mop chopped around 5:15, so I had quite a lot of time to kill. I met up with my friend Taylor, and decided to hang out with him until my girlfriend was ready to go to the party. We could all go together, as Taylor was planning to go as well. The party was at a bar with a cover charge, and none of us wanted to pay it, so we went to an art show instead.

Of course, the art show offered free, delicious, microbrewed craft beer. My favorite fucking thing on the planet. I was miserable. And craving beer SO badly. This guy I’m friends with on instagram introduced himself and expressed his respect for my choice to be sober…all the while, I’m at war with myself, trying to convince my conscience that one beer isn’t THAT bad.

We leave the party and go back to his house. This is where I should have just gone home, but I’m no good at listening to myself and there was a cute guy giving me attention so, naturally, I had to stay and feed my ego.

I began to try and convince Taylor that one beer isn’t that bad. He tried to remind me that one beer is bad for everyone, because alcohol is bad for the body. Long story short, I persuaded him to give me one beer.

I held that familiar pilsner glass in my hand, and took a long sniff of my old friend. The foam and dark color just looked so innocent. So inviting. I then had an inner dialogue with myself for about 60 seconds.

“If I drink this, my 34 days starts over. For ONE beer. If I drink this, I COULD lie to everyone and say I stayed sober, but I can’t lie to myself. If I drink this and tell the truth, then I have to be accountable for my weak decision.”

Right as I was about to take another smell, my phone rang.

It was my dad.

Calling to see how I was holding up.

Oh Universe. You have my back.

I laughed in disbelief and Taylor took the beer back, with that “I knew you could do it” grin on his face.

I went home after that.

I was at the edge.
I was right there.

I didn’t take the bait. I did it.

But it was too close.

I’m so fucking happy I didn’t drink that beer. The lesson in this? Don’t put a FRESH alcoholic in a room full of drunk
people AND free beer. I won’t be doing that again.

35 days sober, today. And that’s the gospel truth!!!