sobbing in a ball forever and ever

anonymous asked:

hey jack you got any s4 angst or puzzle angst in general

Enjoy my really crappy (no planning, no editing, no attempt at eloquence), not actually fanfiction because if i try to write actual fanfiction ill embarrass myself description of some stuff that happened in my head.

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The night after they reunited, Yugi went into Yamis soul room to check on him.  He knew that what they’d been through was rough as hell, and Yami had seemed OK earlier, but now that they were together again, he wanted a proper reunion.  When he got there, Yami was waiting, but he looked like a kid who’d been given detention waiting for a parent to come home and punish them.  He wasn’t making eye contact.  When Yugi got close, Yami took a step back and turned his head even farther away.  He held his right forearm in his left and looked at the floor.

Earlier in the day, there was too much going on to think about what had happened. Now, alone in his soul room, what Yami had done seemed to have its own presence. Yamis stomach was in knots, he had hoped that the guilt would fade with Yugi’s return. But here was Yugi, standing in front of him, and the guilt and shame was still so strong he felt like he might be sick.

He flinched when Yugi said “Look at me.” 

Every move he made was slow and hesitant.  He wanted to look, but he didn’t. He wanted Yugi back so badly, but having him there in front of him with what had happened hanging between them was torture. He hated it, he hated himself, he felt his resolve and faith that he had found start to slip and crumble when he had just found them again.  He didn’t deserve Yugi.  He especially didn’t deserve control of Yugi’s body, something Yugi gave to him without question or fear. Yugi trusted Yami with his body, his life, so frequently that Yami had forgotten the weight of what that meant. He had thrown it away, pushed it away.  He was angry, he was reckless, he directed his rage at Yugi, the one person he showed the softness, the kindness, the vulnerability no one else got to see. The one person he would never hurt, would never even think of hurting, he pushed away, he lost, he almost got killed. And for what? To prove a point? His pride? He didn’t deserve Yugi’s presence.  He didn’t deserve to be released from the Puzzle. Yugi should have never solved it.  He should have stayed in there forever. Yugi should just break the Puzzle apart and bury it somewhere.

All these thoughts whirled through his head in the time it took him to and look at Yugi. When his eyes finally met his partners, he saw tears there.  Yugi was silently sobbing, his shoulders were shaking and his hands were balled up into fists, but his eyes were fierce. His voice shook when he spoke.

“Don’t you dare…don’t you ever think that…for a single second, don’t you ever think I’d be better off without you…”

It suddenly occurred to Yami that every emotion he had been feeling had flooded into Yugi’s mind and told him everything.  Yugi felt every ounce of self hatred and shame and the crushing weight of it had reduced him to tears instantly. To feel what Yami had been feeling broke his heart.  He had forgiven Yami instantly. He had always intended to forgive Yami. The words he’d said, he said because Yami needed to hear them.  He always believed in Yami, he never doubted for a single second that his Other Self would let him die. He knew Yami was reckless, he knew Yami made mistakes, he knew that Yami would understand what he’d done. He’d been watching Yami learn.  With every fiber of his being he believed in Yami, a person who did what he believed is right. Even if it got him in trouble, even if it put Yugi in danger, Yugi loved him for it. 

Now it was Yami’s turn to feel the whirlwind of emotions and thoughts silently exploding from Yugi. A counter for every argument he made against himself rushed into his mind, fighting back the self damning words circling Yami’s mind like a sword through a thicket or thorns. Reassurance, compassion, and forgiveness warmed Yami from the inside out and he felt tears begin to well in his eyes.  Before he had time to react, Yugi had closed the space between them and embraced him.  Yami’s head bowed to rest on Yugis shoulder as he reached weak arms around to hold his partner hesitantly, then desperately as if letting go meant losing him again. 

Yugi felt him sob and he whispered, “I’m here, its over.  I’m here. It’s ok.”

They sank to the floor like that, holding each other quietly. Thoughts and emotions flowed between them like a silent conversation.  Yami still didn’t feel like he deserved Yugi. Yami still held an amount of self hatred and doubt, though it was much quieter than it had been and Yami knew, at least a part of him knew, that he was allowed to fight those feelings rather than accept them as reality.  Maybe a part of him would always believe he didn’t deserve Yugi, that he didn’t deserve Yugi’s love, or anyone’s for that matter.  But he could fight that part of him. And Yugi was there, reassuring him, supporting him, loving him.  He knew Yami had a long way to go, but that was something they could work on together.

“King of the World.” Song Preference.

Jack G

Take me back to the time,
We would talk all night

Jack couldn’t help but think about you whenever he was outside at night, the stars shining down on him. It seemed like forever ago, when he would stay up to late in the night, just staring at his phone, waiting for it to light up, smiling like a love struck fool when it did. He would spend every waking hour texting you, sending you cute and weird snaps of him and his friends, waiting for your reply, hoping it would be a selfie so he could see your eyes that reminded him of the brightest stars above, and your smile that made his heart skip beat after beat. He missed the times where you would be on the phone, not saying a word, just listening to the other’s relaxing breathing on the other end. He missed you in general, but he couldn’t blame you for leaving, not after what happened, not after the way he reacted, not after the words that so hurtfully had left his mouth. He feared that he would forget what you looked like, how you had smiled when he asked you to be his, how you had tears running down your face on your first Valentines day together when he surprised you. He feared that he would forget the good times, the happy times that was filled with love. And he hoped that he one day would be able to forget the bad. The way you had clenched your fists and punched him in the face when the two of you got into your first fight. How you had ignored him whenever rumors about him cheating on you floated around on the internet. But most of all, he was begging to forget the day you left. How your tears had left a trail of mascara behind, how you had been holding one hand protectively over your stomach, how you calmly had told him that you never wanted to see him again. And he begged to go back in time and take back his words when yours had left the mouth he had loved so much. He prayed every night for god to take him back in time. 

I’m pregnant Jack..” In his head, in the version where everything ended like a fairy tale, he had pulled you close, kissed your soft lips and told you that he would be there. Unfortunately, his imagination was a lot more comfortable than reality.. He just wanted to go back. 

Jack J. 

She told me you don’t see what I can see,
This life is full of possibility

It was one of those days. One of the days where Jack was doubting himself again. His head would be hanging low, his eyes threatening to spill his secret.  Threatening to tell the world how he really felt about the hate. He would blame it all on himself, saying that no matter what he did, it would never be good enough. He would stay in his room, with paper scattered across his room, head in his hands. And you would sit down next to him. Tell him about all the wonderful things in life. How every thing would lead to something, no matter what it was, you just had to look. He would look at you, tears slowly falling down his cheeks, and ask you how you could stay so positive and believe in him as much as you did, when all he felt was doubt. You would smile and kiss his cheek. “Because you don’t see what I can see.” He would look at you with a puzzled look, you would laugh and pull him outside with you. You would point to a tree, smile and say; “ Once, that tree was nothing. It didn’t have its beautiful green leaves, it didn’t have its huge and solid trunk. No one thought it was beautiful or good for something. But look at it now, it has been standing tall, through storm and rain, through dirt and dust, and look at it now. We all need it, otherwise we can’t live. It didn’t get affected by other people’s opinions about it, it simply didn’t care. It knew that life is full of possibilities, it knew that you have to struggle to grow, and it knew that you should only accept the things that makes you grow. Babe, you can’t use idiotic hate comments to grow. Take the ones that tells you something you can use, take their negativity and turn it into something beautiful.” You said as you kissed his jawline. His eyes looked down at you, and in that moment, he knew that he had all he needed right by his side. 

Shawn.

I’d be the king of the world
If you were by my side
‘Cause when you gave me your love
I was the richest man alive 

Shawn had never thought that he would feel the kind of love that you gave him. He had been doing so good on his own, that he didn’t think it could get any better. That was until you stumbled into his life, your shy smile and eyes glued to the ground. He thought you were like everyone else, just there for the picture, but instead of walking over next to him, you simply smiled at him and told him what you had to say. Told him how his music had saved you, how his smile would make you smile, and how his voice could bring you to sleep even on the darkest of days. You told him how you hoped he would stay the same, how you hoped he would never change, how you hoped he would stay happy, forever, because that was all he deserved. You told him how you prayed for him every night, to find something who would treat him right. What you didn’t know was that it would end up being you. You brought out the even better half in Shawn, whenever he was around you he would smile just a little bit bigger, his eyes would shine just a tad brighter. And he never changed. He realized that all the fame, all the music, all the things he had accomplished, didn’t really matter to him, because as long as he had you, he was the richest man alive, and that was enough for Shawn. 

Cameron. 

She showed me how to be all that I could be
Broke into my heart, and set me free

It wasn’t supposed to end like it did. He wasn’t supposed to like you, not to talk about falling in love with you. But he did. You broke through the barrier and broke into his heart. Showed him what it was to love. And even though it wasn’t all good, even though the fights were rough, the sleepless nights unbearable, and the pain whenever he saw you cry, he wouldn’t do it over. He loved everything about the way you had affected him. You had showed him what it was to be free, really free. Not caught in the middle of society’s ideals of how to look and act, not caught up in the fake reality of how you were supposed to live your life right, together with you, he was free. His mind was no longer a mess of “what if’s” what will they think? What should I do?  No, he was one hundred percent himself. He had finally found who he really was, all that he could be, came the second you decided not to give up on him, and that was the greatest gift anyone could ever give him. 

Sam. 

Now I’m broken, hopin’ you’ll come back in my life

He never though it would happen, he thought he had done everything right, right down to making sure you knew he loved you every night. But it wasn’t enough, his absent, his drinking and partying drove you to do something you’d regret for the rest of your life. Everyone had thought it would be the other way around, but despite what people thought of him, he would never go that far. He was loyal to the point of no return, and even though he missed you like crazy, even though his heart was breaking every time he heard your name, even though his nights were sleepless, he knew what he shouldn’t do. He knew that no matter what, it would never be the same. He would never be able to fully trust you again. So he lived through the pain, lived with the silent tears that at night streamed down his face. He lived with knowing that he would never be able to whole again. The cracks of your actions would always be there, haunting relationships later on, but he knew he had to do it. He wouldn’t put himself in such position of danger again. And even though he was still hoping that it somehow all would work out, he knew it never would. 

Nash. 

My best friend, you said it would never end
As we looked up to the sky

As he sat down at the grass, Nash thought about all the good times. All the times the two of you had cried with laughter. All the things you had shared, all the things you were supposed to share. He loved you, and he knew you knew that. You loved him, and you had know that he knew that. And yet, whenever he would visit you, it would feel cold, the pain would hit him like a wrecking ball, and he would break down crying. And it was the same memory that flashed before his eyes every time. The clouds above you, slowly passing by as he looked at you. “You’ll never leave, right?” You had turned your head and smiled at him. “Of course not Silly. You’re my best friend. And best friends stick together, forever. And you know me, I don’t break my promises.” The smile on your face was clear for his inner eye, and the ache in his heard was worse than ever. Between sobs he managed to say what he had held in so long. “You broke your promise, you left me. You promised me you’d never leave me! I loved you and they took you away from me! You promised.” Of course you didn’t answer, you wanted to, but it was hard when your hand couldn’t even touch his body. You wanted to hold him, wanted to pull him close and whisper that you never meant to leave him. Instead you just stared at him, your figure invisible to him. What he didn’t know was; The pain was just as hard for you as it was for him.