sob it was so hard to choose what to do

anonymous asked:

Remember the self harm ask? Could you do something where MC catches seven relapsing and something kinda fluffy kinda angsty ensues? If you're okay with it of course. If you're not comfortable writing it that's okay

i personally feel like i suck at angst but hey, i tried ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(if you want to read what i guess inspired this, check it out here)

trigger warning: self harm


  • Despite living with both Saeyoung and Saeran, you hadn’t seen neither of them in days
  • Saeran had gotten slighty better mentally since he came home from the hospital a few weeks back, but because he felt bad about his random outbursts of anger, he had locked himself into his room to not yell at you
  • Seven was feeling guilty because he couldn’t help his brother more, and with his agency work in addition, he also locked himself into his room
  • He didn’t even respond to your texts and calls
  • Feeling worried and pretty fed up with his shit, you decided to try to comfort your boyfriend
  • You walked to his door, hoping he would let you in so you could talk 
  • Just as you were about to knock, you heard muffled crying from his room
  • You tried to open his door but it wouldn’t budge, so you found the cat robot to help you
  • With its help you got the door open, but part of you wished you hadn’t managed
  • On the bed, looking like a deer in the headlights, was your boyfriend desperately trying to wipe the fresh blood away from his arms
  • “S-Saeyoung..?”
  • Feeling defeated, he dropped the blade from his hand and hung his head.
  • “I’m sorry… I know I promised you not to, but…”
  • You hugged him carefully to not touch his arms, and he started sobbing on your shoulder
  • “Shh… I know it’s hard, okay? No one blames you for what has happened. I know it doesn’t seem like that, but even Saeran knows deep down that this isn’t your fault. The only one who doesn’t know is you, so please stop blaming yourself. You’re not a bad person, okay?”
  • “I don’t deserve you, MC… You could’ve been happy with someone else, why would you choose me? I’m… I’m sad, I make you sad, I make Saeran sad, I don’t know what to do!”
  • You noticked his breath hitching and saw that he was on the werge of panicking, so you cupped his faced and made him look into your eyes
  • “Listen here, Saeyoung. I know that you are in a lot of pain, we all are, but nothing will get solved by suffering alone. We need each other, okay? I need you so much, and I hate seeing you like this. I love you, and I want to help you. Do you understand that?”
  • He looked down, too ashamed to meet your eyes, and nodded
  • You kissed his cheek and took his hand, leading him to the bathroom where the first aid kit was
  • “Let’s get you cleaned up, yeah? Then all three of us can take a walk to the park to get some ice cream, I think we all need some fresh air”
  • When he saw your sad face as you cleaned his deeper wounds, he wondered how he got so lucky as to have you
  • “I know I’m not particularly good at saying this, but… Thank you. For taking care of me, for helping me, for loving me. I really do love you back, I’m sorry that I’m so distant sometimes”
  • He wrapped you into his arms as soon as they were bandaged up, and promised to always take care of you


~jane

6

supernatural meme: three relationships [2/3] → Dean & Ben

– You’re a liar, Dean.
– Excuse me?
– You say family’s so important, but what do you call people who care for you, who love you even when you’re a d*ck?”

Love is Strength

My hopes for Regina. A reaction fic that isn’t an easy fix-it but should at least put some cooling balm on the wounds. Edit after writing: Okay so maybe it ends up being fix-it, but you have to work for it.

She finds her way to a back corner, away from everyone, where she can hide. The last time she stood here, it was because Henry had looked right through her, and as a mother she wants to think that that was worse. But it wasn’t, because she had known she could get his memories back, had known deep down it would be okay, and right now everything is the opposite of okay. Right now, she can hardly breathe because she’s afraid that if she does, sobs will wrack her body so hard she’ll fall apart. She’s holding herself up against the wall, barely, with one weak hand.

Villains don’t get happy endings, echoes in her head and she wants to hit herself, pound that phrase out until there’s nothing in her mind, and it’s blank, empty, etherized, gone. It makes sense, she thinks. He’ll get the happy ending he was supposed to. She’ll not have ruined his life by running away from that tavern. Roland will have his real mother. 

But a small part of her, the part these short…God has it only been weeks?…weeks with him have brought out knows he would tell her not to think like that, to give herself a second chance. But it’s hard, too hard, she can’t breathe, and she slides down the wall with her head in her hands, and makes the mistake of glancing down the hallway to where he’d said that to her, where he’d held her close and made her think that maybe, just maybe, she’d earned a second chance at happiness. And the sobs start in earnest.

“Mom?”

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Voltage CG Challenge

(plus the story behind them and why they are my favorites)
Tagged by wantsnewpaint , chloekinomi

Here’s the rules:
1. Cannot repeat the same guy (even if it is two different games)
2. Has to be from a route you have actually played

 

1. My lover is a PSD detective Seiji Goto Falling in Love Route
(Gawd choosing ONE Seiji CG was so hard!!! But I finally made my mind up) Instructor Seiji confess his love for his pupil on the platform of a train station after a visit to Kazuki’s grave. (at least it was not in front of the grave *sobs*)

2. Be My Princess 2 - First Anniversary Event
Ivan finally get time alone with MC and he takes off all her clothes while things are getting hot! Feeling shy, she says it’s not fair she’s the only one naked. So Ivan does what he has to do, he takes his clothes off too. What a sweetheart!

3. Kissed by the Baddest Bidder - Joshige - Eisuke Ichinomiya’s main route
First of all MC has eyes! She is wearing this beautiful backless gold dress Eisuke made her wear to accompany him to the casino. You see the high neck? It’s because Eisuke has a collar around her neck he put on her after he bought her (a GPS device to track her) and that dress hides it. Everything about this is so wrong. Any sane person would freak out if put in this situation but because it’s fiction and we know what Eisuke is like, I cannot help but like the way this smart, over confident man takes control. 

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Civilian:

I fell into the bench. The sharp slap of old wood connecting against my bones hardly registered and I immediately buried my hands into my face. A shuddering sigh escaped my trembling lips. Tears were forming so fast and thick that it felt like beads were pushed under my eyelids. The fact that I was such a mess and in public should have embarrassed me, but seeing as this weathered bench was in a garden area located on the property of a hospital which was currently full of people too worried with their own personal nightmares, I was willing to deal with it. The sun was shining brightly in a picture perfect blue sky. Weather, I normally would have categorized as “beach weather”. Now, however, the Rockwell portrait was cruel joke, mocking my current state of existence. I couldn’t bare to look at it, so I focused on my hands through blurred vision.

Someone sat beside me. In the corner of my eye, I could see he was dressed in black, his hands hidden in his pockets. I quickly rubbed my eyes feeling uncomfortable. I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone. I wasn’t even in a state of mind to think.

“Lovely day, isn’t it.”

He had an accent. Something that brought rolling green hills to mind. Despite myself, I snuck a glance. He watched the skies completely relaxed in my company. I found myself doubting that he was a stranger at all. He seemed to act as if we were old acquaintances or associates, but that couldn’t have been right. I didn’t even live in this area. We had gone this far to see the specialist. The best one on this side of the country. I pushed those bitter thoughts aside.

“Yes. It is.” I replied with a sniffle.

He reached into his jacket where a breast pocket must have been and procured a handkerchief. It was a grey square of fabric with a red “C” embroidered on the corner. I accepted the offer more out of surprise than anything else.

“So, why is a pretty thing like you crying all alone out here?”

The rough quality of his voice was soothing. I shrugged trying to remain composed, but the simple gesture brought more tears to my eyes. It seemed my grief remained unrelenting. I nodded across the garden at the other people occupying the space. A nurse helped an old man shuffle along with an IV, a couple held a child completely devoid of hair, and a woman weak and old stared vacantly into a tree.

“The same reason they’re here, I guess.”

I anxiously toyed with the handkerchief.

“Ah. The “C” word.” He paused. “Is it you?”

I shook my head not daring to speak.

“A loved one then.”

I nodded. I swallowed hard a few times. My throat was so raw it felt like something was permanently wedged there.

“Inoperable…” I choked on a sob, yet managed, “stage 4.”

“No!” He breathed sounding taken a back. “If only there was some way to fix it.”

I shrugged and bobbed my head up and down in helpless agreement. I gave in, dabbing my eyes with the soft fabric.

“The doctors,” I gasped for breath, “said there’s just nothing they could do anymore. They just kept saying ‘as comfortable as possible.’”

“That’s just awful. What if I said,” He was speaking carefully now, choosing every word with particular purpose. “That I could help?”

“You’re a doctor?” I asked finally looking into his face.

White skin, lines around his eyes indicating middle age, and his hair line pulled at the front, but otherwise he seemed distinguished, like a character from book coming to life.

“My methods are a little more… outside the realm of science.”

His eyes flickered to mine. For a moment I was thrown off by his words. Did he mean some sort of pathos treatment? But his gaze stayed steadily on mine.

“Are you a… Healer?”

“Something like that, but mine actually works.”

I pulled my lips in and pursed them together. No matter how desperate I felt, I had my reservations.

“And what exactly do you do?”

“For a price,” he shrugged, “I eradicate that nasty cancer and your special someone lives on. Plain and simple.”

“What’s the price?” I asked feeling a bitter cynicism take hold.

He shrugged ever so slightly again, “After a long ten years, I get something of yours.”

My brows squeezed together. “What?”

“Your soul.”

The words left his mouth so casually as if it was the simplest solution in the world. As if what he was suggesting was normal and obvious, yet delicate to discuss. I blinked.

“M-my soul.”

“That’s right. You get ten long years to spend with whomever it is in there whose imminent death is breaking your heart, they live out their life and all it costs is your soul.”

I sucked in sharply. The doctors hadn’t even used the word “death”. They danced around it avoiding the uncomfortable taboo.

“What happens to my soul?”

“It’s mine to do with as I please.”

His tone was still soft and casual almost like he was discussing the breakfast menu. I looked down into my hands. My fingers were turning white as I gripped the handkerchief. The cursive “C” stared up at me. My hands finally relaxed and I looked up at him.

“Have you made your decision?” He searched my bloodshot eyes and I had.

Okay, so I know the reason why everyone thinks Bill was about to kill Mabel is because his eye roulette was stopping on the shooting star when he said “you,” and I’m not disagreeing with this, I think that it probably was supposed to indicate Mabel (although he had gone back to his normal eye as he was about to snap his fingers, which I think could give us some leeway).

But consider …

This would have been the third time (I think) that we heard “eeny, meeny, miney, you” used in the show, and the first two times were used to indicate Dipper. The first is when Stan does it in “Tourist Trapped,” and then Bill does it in “Sock Opera.” So what if, for this third time, it was ALSO supposed to indicate Dipper?

Considering your idea of Stan modifying the deal so that the dead twin is brought back to life … considering that, and Dipper’s guilt complex … tbh, I almost think I like this better than the alternative, especially if we consider a possible scenario where Stan doesn’t get his memory back as immediately/easily (because to be honest it felt a little like deus ex machina and was probably my least favorite part of the finale).

Like, okay. For the third and final time we hear “eeny, meeny, miney, you” used on the show, it means Dipper once again and he collapses. Mabel’s not like Dipper; she doesn’t have the fiery thirst for vengeance that he does, she doesn’t have it in her to scream a death threat and try to fight back. But she does, as we see in the finale when she starts pleading and begging Stan to remember her, find herself reduced to denial and tears and begging. And she would do that here. She would call Dipper over and over again, beg him to wake up, because he has to, he promised her, didn’t he? He promised her that they were going to grow up together, he promised her that they would get through the good times and the bad times together, he promised her! This could have been when we learned Dipper’s real name, because first Mabel is sobbing “Dipper” over and over again, but as he flops like one of her sock puppets against her shaking, as he ignores her cries and pleas (and he never does that, Dipper never ignores her when she cries, he's never failed to respond immediately and try to help her when she’s upset, Dipper has never just let her cry like this, never), as he doesn’t respond to the fact that he promised her they’d grow up together, she dissolves into sobbing his real name, over and over and over again.

And it’s like in “The Time-Traveler’s Pig,” only worse. Because there, Mabel fell into despair over losing Waddles and couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything other than say his name over and over again. But this? This is a million times worse. Waddles was her potential pet pig; Dipper is the other half of her soul. Her brother is everything. It pained her to think of leaving Waddles in Gravity Falls, but she could do it if she had to. The thought of leaving Dipper behind was so painful to her that, at first, she couldn’t bear to face it. And now he’s right in front of her, but the warmth is quickly leaving his body, she feels no responding heartbeat when she holds him against his chest. He's dead, and Mabel completely shuts down.

And that’s when Stan modifies the deal, because he’d do it for either twin, any day of the week, even without Mabel sobbing so hard she’s about to make herself vomit. So he does, as in canon; he makes the deal, and when he does, Dipper is granted life again, as in your AU.

(And I think that, just like how Dipper would be conflicted but would ultimately choose Mabel, Mabel would choose Dipper. I think, however, that she would be too upset right then to really realize what was going on. She was in denial/didn’t realize immediately that Stan’s memory had been wiped, after all, even though she knew full well what that gun was. But even if she did realize, Mabel needs her brother. She loves Stan, just as much as Dipper does, but at the end of the day the twins choose each other. She would choose Dipper, even as it tore her apart to see that happen to Stan.)

So here we have the progression like in canon, only now Dipper is faced not only with all of the emotional overload because of everything that happened over the past three days, but also the surge of guilt that Stan had to make that deal because he fucked up. It doesn’t matter that this isn’t actually Dipper’s fault, or that (as I’m sure Ford would point out) Stan did this to save the entire universe. Since when does it ever matter that things aren’t actually Dipper’s fault? Dipper feels guilty about them anyway. He blames himself for everything. The fact that the deal here would be made with the specification that Dipper must be brought back to life would make him feel like Stan had to do that to save him. Stan, in effect, gave his life to save Dipper’s. This, because Dipper wasn’t fast or smart enough to evade Bill for as long as he needed to. Because he wasn’t smart or good enough to defeat Bill in the first place. Because he lost the journals. Because he didn’t tell Mabel about the rift and then it got broken in his backpack. Because he made mistake after mistake after mistake and now his Grunkle is gone forever, his mind has been wiped, and all to save him, because it's his fault, because it would be, in effect, something akin to survivor’s guilt. 

And think about what he says in canon: “We saved the world, but what’s the point? Grunkle Stan’s not himself anymore …”

Family is everything to Dipper, and that line hammers home more than anything that he would absolutely sacrifice the world if it meant saving the people he loves. But now, not only did Stan lose himself to save the world, but he lost himself to save Dipper in specific, and in Dipper’s mind, it’s because he wasn’t good enough. Yet again, his actions—his inadequacies—hurt someone he loves, this time irreparably.

Of course, Stan does get his memory back (again, maybe not instantaneously/randomly, though), so it’s still a happy ending, things work out. But again … you know how Dipper is. He blames himself for everything. Having someone sacrifice themselves to save him, I think, would be the ultimate form of guilt to emotionally cripple him. He would see it as his fault no matter how many times he was told it wasn’t, no matter how much Mabel stretched out her sweater to fit it over both of them because, “Nope, this is an upgraded versio of the Get-Along Shirt—the Feel Better Sweater! No leaving until you stop beating yourself up over this, bro-bro.“ 

Anyway, that’s just an idea I have. I still love your AU scenario where Bill does kill Mabel, so please don’t take this any other way! But I was thinking about how “eeny meeny miney you” always indicated Dipper before, and then I thought about Dipper’s guilt complex and how much worse that would be if someone died (well, you know, “died”) to save him, and … =x My brain got a bit carried away, so I thought I’d share, lol. Sorry if this super long post was annoying.

This just destroyed me.

Who Am I To Stand In Your Way

A/N: So Chester See has this song. Its called Who Am I To Stand In Your Way, and I cannot tell you how hard it is to listen to without crying. So naturally, any song that affects me emotionally is gonna get turned into a oneshot. ENJOY! Very very angsty Hartbig, if you don’t potentially want your heart ripped out I suggest stopping now and reading other fics, haha. If you are prepared for that, by all means carry on and enjoy! :)

——————

She was warm.

She was warm when her fingertips danced across Hannah’s stomach in the darkest hours of the night, with no other sound in the room except quiet breaths. 

She was warm when Hannah was upset or stressed, and she would hold Hannah close to her, and the shorter girl would press her ear against the taller girl’s chest and listen to the steady thumping of her heart.

She was warm when she laced her fingers with Hannah’s, even for a moment in the middle of a show or a video.

And now, without her, it was cold.

Hannah didn’t particularly care for the cold.

It was that dark, ungodly hour of the night, and she lie awake. She stared up at the grainy ceiling, spelling out the taller girl’s name in the swirling paint. 

Shivers ran across her arms and her legs, so she pulled a blanket over herself absentmindedly before returning to spelling out the girl’s name.

“G…r…a…c…e…” Hannah said quietly under her breath. A halfhearted smile crossed her face.

Grace’s name did make her smile. She could never forget all the happy memories between the two of them. The gentle touches that went unnoticed by the people around them, or how whenever Hannah said “I love you”, Grace’s eyes got a little darker and her lips curved into just the tiniest smile and would quiver a little bit. She wasn’t one that was skilled in handling or flat out feeling emotions, and Hannah made her feel so much that it overwhelmed her sometimes.

But all good things must come to an end. 

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