so you can pass me with that shit

Basically, This is Basically What Every Dr. Phil Episode is Basically Like Basically
  • Dr. Phil: Hello, I am Doctor Philip, and today we'll be tackling an issue that is very widespread, but rarely spoken about. Gaming addiction. Now, I know many of you know at least one person in your life who plays video games, whether that be a child or, in some cases, a spouse.
  • Audience: *laughs*
  • Dr. Phil: But, when unregulated, gaming can lead to serious addiction. Today I have with me a mother who's home life has been torn apart as her very own son descended into gaming addiction.
  • Mother: *sniffing and wiping tears away* Hello, doctor. Will you cure my son?
  • Dr. Phil: Well, dear, that's... uhh. Let's just bring the boy out already.
  • *dramatic music plays*
  • Gamer: My name is Gregg, I'm 19 years old, I'm a gaming addict, and I don't give a f*ck.
  • Audience: *gasps*
  • Gamer: Yeah, I game for 19 to 20 hours a day and the other four hours I use for looking up sick gaming strats or beating it to anime porn. I once sucked off a dude because he offered me minecraft diamonds. I don't give a sh*t, I would've sucked him off even if he didn't have the diamonds.
  • Audience: *gasps louder*
  • Gamer: Do I hate women? Yes, I hate women. I've emailed Anita Sarkeesian my address. She knows where I am if she wants to fight me. Feminists, square the fuck up. People always ask why I don't do anything other than gaming. I ask them why don't they mind their own f*cking business. I don't think I have a problem. Dr. Phil can honestly eat my whole an*s.
  • Gamer: *walks out onto the stage*
  • Audience: *boos*
  • Gamer: F*ck all y'all! I don't give a f*ck! *flips off the audience*
  • Dr. Phil: Please take a seat, son.
  • Gamer: *sits very disrespectfully*
  • Mother: *starts bawling*
  • Dr. Phil: Son, do you think that was acceptable behavior?
  • Gamer: The only behavior I care about is the behavioral patterns for enemies in the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. series. I love video games: Master chief, Mario, uhm, Blinx the Cat... Blasto. Love those guys!
  • Audience: *boos*
  • Gamer: I don't care! You think I care! F*ck all y'all!
  • Dr. Phil: All these people are booing you, doesn't that make you feel bad?
  • Gamer: Are you deaf? Have I not articulated the fact that I absolutely 100% do not care about anything except for video games? I. DON'T. GIVE. A. F*CK.
  • Mother: He's always like this, there's no changing him. It didn't used to be this way... just *starts bawling harder*
  • Dr. Phil: I think there is a way to change him, and we'll find out more about that after these messages.
  • *Dr. Phil theme plays*
  • *The lights dim and every goes empty eyed and slack-jawed*
  • Gamer: Heh, this is weird. *nudges mom and whispers to her* Hey, we're getting paid for this, right. Hey, mom? ...Mom?
  • Mother: *completely unresponsive*
  • Dr. Phil: *completely unresponsive*
  • Audience: *completely unresponsive*
  • Gamer: Heh... this is REALLY weird. *looks around nervously*
  • Audience member: Hey!
  • Gamer: Huh?
  • Audience Member: I'm in the audience! Over here! My arms are strapped to the chair! You have to help me!
  • Gamer: *runs to the audience member*
  • Audience Member: Thank god, I thought I was the only one here left with any brains.
  • Gamer: *hastily undoing the straps* What the fuck is going on?
  • Audience Member: I don't know, but this definitely isn't Dr. Phil's show.
  • Gamer: Then what is it?
  • Audience Member: No clue, but we have to get out of here before the commercial breaks ends.
  • Gamer: *successfully undoes the straps*
  • Audience Member: C'mon! Let's go. *grabs the gamer by the arm*
  • Gamer: *resists* Wait a fucking minute. Why am I supposed to trust you?
  • Audience Member: Because I'm normal and everyone else is braindead if you haven't noticed.
  • Gamer: Yeah, but I'm not going anywhere until I know what's going on. Being on Dr. Phil is a huge opportunity for me to, y'know, advertise my brand. I'm a gamer if you haven't noticed.
  • Audience Member: Are you insane? Have you had a look around you? Does this anything happening right now seem normal to you? Who cares about your "brand". Do you even remember how you got here?
  • Gamer: Well... now that you mention, I can't really remember exactly.
  • Audience Member: Yeah, now let's get the fuck out of here.
  • *the gamer and audience member run through the back exit into the hallways*
  • *the Dr. Phil theme blares as the show returns from commercial break*
  • Gamer: My ears!
  • Audience Member: Move it! *jerks gamer's arm*
  • Gamer: Okay, calm down.
  • *the entire audience screams in unison*
  • Gamer: What the fuck is that!?
  • Audience Member: It's the reason we're running! Quick, in here!
  • *the duo duck into a cramped broom closest*
  • Gamer: Listen, you have to tell me what the fuck is going on right now!
  • Audience Member: Shh.
  • Gamer: Don't shush me!
  • Audience Member: *covers the gamer's mouth*
  • *agonized screaming and violently rumbling passes by the broom closest*
  • Gamer: Holy shit!
  • Audience Member: Stop yelling.
  • Gamer: How can I not yell when it sounds the gates of hell just passed by us!
  • Audience Member: You want it to turn back around and find us?
  • Gamer: Alright. I'll calm down... I'll. *start sobbing*
  • Audience Member: Please, please stop crying. You're too loud.
  • Gamer: I can't! I'm under a lot of stress!
  • Audience Member: You'll be dead if you don't shut the fuck.
  • Gamer: I never wanted any of this, I just wanted to go on Dr. Phil so people would recognize me on YouTube and I could become a popular Let's Player!
  • Audience Member: If you don't shut up right now, I'll-
  • *a snake bites the audience member's neck*
  • Audience Member: *eyes roll up*
  • Gamer: *screams like a baby*
  • *snakes slither under the closet door*
  • Gamer: *stumbles out of the closet and falls into hallway covered with snakes* Fuck me! Fuck me!
  • Gamer: *attempts to run away but falls beneath the snakes and into and empty void*
  • *agonized screaming echoes from all around*
  • Gamer: Am I in hell? I have to be in hell. You don't fall through a pool of snakes and wind up anywhere else but hell.
  • Dr. Phil: THERE IS NO HELL.
  • Gamer: Doc, is that you? If this isn't hell then where am I?
  • Dr. Phil: YOU'RE IN MY REALM SON. *Dr. Phil's face appears glowing in the distance, his eyes are empty sockets and his mouth hangs open*
  • Gamer: What the fuck are you?
  • Dr. Phil: I'M DOCTOR PHILIP.
  • Gamer: You're not Dr. Phil!
  • Dr. Phil: I NEVER SAID I WAS, SON. *a wall of gray human bodies lights up surrounding Dr. Phil's massive head, dr. phil's giant snake body slithers towards the gamer and opens its third eye* I'M DOCTOR PHILIP.
  • *the wall of bodies screams in unison as Dr. Phil devours the gamer*
  • *Dr. Phil theme plays loudly*
  • Dr. Phil: THE NEXT EPISODE IS STARTING. I'M LATE. *slithers into the wall of bodies and his snake body slowly transforms into a normal Dr. Phil's body*
  • Dr. Phil: *crawls onto the stage*
  • Dr. Phil: *dusts himself off* Woo, I went on quite an adventure.
  • Audience: *laughs*
  • Dr. Phil: I'm glad we can all find some time in our lives to laugh, but today's episode is covering something that is most certainly not a laughing matter. It's one of the most serious addictions striking America today and it's rarely talked about. I'm talking about people who love to pee on their mattresses and then pay people exorbitant amounts of money to suck their disgusting mattresses clean.
  • Audience: ... *someone clears their throat*
  • Dr. Phil: What's the matter?
  • Cameraguy: Spsss, Doc. That's not what the episode is about. It's about people with terrible gambling issues.
  • Dr. Phil: Oh, ah, fuck! Cut to commercial!
Unexpected Victory

For some context, in the Campaign I’m DMing we’ve been stuck in a maze of caves in search of a missing child, the party comes across two skeleton Minotaurs which I planned to be mini bosses. The party are very underprepared for the fight.

Bard(ooc): “uh- can I insult the Minotaur?”

Me: “sure, though I’m not sure it’ll do much”

*Bard uses vicious mockery, rolls a Nat 1*

Bard(ooc): “Shit, that’s not good.”

Me: “well, before your impending doom, what did you say to the skeleton?”

Bard: “uh- you have a very… nice… Skeletal structure.”

Me: “… Did you just flirt with the Minotaur?”

Bard(ooc): “I want it so that I failed so hard I accidentally flirted with the skeleton”

Warlock(ooc): “How’d you managed that?”

Bard(ooc): “I am capable of nonsense”

*I roll for wisdom and didn’t beat the mark by a huge gap*

Me: “Well, the Minotaur doesn’t quite understand what you said, but it was flattered anyway. Congrats you just seduced a pile of bones”

Bard(ooc): “Oh shit, well um… Do I have a charisma bonus on her now?”

Me(ooc): “I guess so. Also the other Minotaur was her husband, he is now jealous and wants to kill you, plus he has a strength bonus on you.”

Bard: “Aw shit. Uh- I’m running behind this rock, I’m not moving and no one can tell me otherwise”

Knight: “Help us you coward!”

Bard: “you probably got this!”

*a round passes and it is the Bard’s turn again, the rest of the party are almost dead*

Barbarian: “so our fate rests with the bard?”

Warlock: “Our journey is over.”

Bard: “I convince the skeleton to kill her husband, and then herself”

Me(ooc): “wait what?”

Bard: “you heard me! Don’t question it sky narrator!”

*she rolls 18 persuasion. I roll a 5 wisdom and sigh in defeat*

Me: “She proceeds to decapitate the other skeleton, and then herself. The two collapse in a heap of bones. You’ve won.”

Barbarian(ooc): “you can’t be serious”

Warlock(ooc): “Never thought I’d see the day that ‘Bard’ actually helps us in a fight.”

Knight(ooc): “We won by telling it to go kill itself.”

Bard: “I play my victory song on my sacbutt(trombone)”

*my friend proceeds to pull out her actual trombone and play Final Countdown as me and the rest of the party contemplate life*

Fixing things around the Haus was never really about the dibs for Dex. But, all the same, in the back of his mind he was still relying on his efforts in that department to secure him housing for his junior year at Samwell.

Which is why he’s a little surprised at himself for the sinking feeling in his gut when he’s officially offered a spot.

“Oh,” he replies dumbly.

Lardo blinks at him, clearly startled by his lack of enthusiasm, her hand still held out between them waiting for him to reach out and seal the deal.

Dex shakes his head and reaches his own hand out belatedly. Only to have Lardo pull back. “Bro. I’m not gonna give it to you if you don’t really want it.”

“No, no, I do! I promise I do. I’m sorry, I just thought…”

He thought that he’d be getting either Ransom or Holster’s dibs. And that Nursey would be getting the other’s. And, despite the fact that Dex has been dreading the very idea of that for the entire school year, he feels off kilter and lost now trying to imagine a scenario in which he lives at the Haus without Nursey constantly underfoot.

Even these past two years of living in the dorms, Nursey still always somehow manages to end up at the Haus whenever Dex does, stealing the last slice of pie while verbally needling at sore spots he knows well enough will get a rise out of his fellow D-man.

It seemed pointless to even hope that getting dibs wouldn’t somehow include Nursey at his side, and so Dex never bothered to factor in the possibility. He resigned himself to his fate. And now, presented with an alternative, he has no idea what to think.

“Do you, uh,” he clears his throat, watching Lardo’s eyes narrow at him, assessing. “Do you know who Rans and Holster are giving theirs to?”

“They’re giving them to Nursey, bro.”

“Right. But to Nursey and…?

“Just Nursey.” She shrugs. “Those bunkbeds don’t even have a ladder anymore, so we figured we’d turn the attic back into a single for now. And we thought we’d do you all a solid by making sure the SMH didn’t lose it’s next best D-man pair due to mutual homicide within the first week of preseason by making you shack up together. We’ve all seen how you two handle sharing a hotel room on roadies.”

To be fair, how they handle it nowadays is wildly different from the roughhousing mess of their first semester at Samwell. But apparently no one’s noticed that.

Dex goes abruptly still as a thought occurs to him that feels like a bucket of ice water over his head. “Wait. Was this Nurse’s idea?”

Keep reading

People always make Juliet out to be dumb in Romeo and Juliet, but I think she at least had some sense where Romeo didn't have much of any
  • Romeo: I was thinking about this chick earlier who I said I was in love with but now I love that girl over there that is very likely to either belong to my family's enemy or be close with my family's enemy as it is their party I am crashing
  • Juliet: I do not like being so young and forced into a relationship with an older man, but oh there's a cute guy more my age over there. And since he's here he must have been invited and is there for a reasonable love match for myself
  • --
  • Romeo: We should kiss right now at this party
  • Juliet: No that is a super dumb idea
  • Romeo: *kisses her anyway*
  • Juliet: That was dumb of you
  • --
  • Romeo: We should get married right now
  • Juliet: We don't know each other. Shouldn't we wait until at least a little time has passed?
  • Romeo: Like tomorrow?
  • Juliet: Sure, fine.
  • --
  • Juliet: We're married now, so we have to try and make things better between our families.
  • Romeo: Right.
  • Romeo: It seems I have killed your cousin and am now exiled.
  • --
  • Juliet: Ok so since Romeo fucked up I'm gonna fix this shit by taking a harmless sleeping liquid. He'll come and get me and we can go away together.
  • Romeo: *immediately kills himself*
  • Juliet: For fucks sake.
Real Domestic OTP Scenarios

Okay, as I’ve embraced being a Fandom Old Person ™, I’m tired of seeing all the cute, domestic OTP scenarios written by people who probably haven’t lived with a significant other before, except for maybe a romantic weekend where all the “sleepy good morning kisses” and “dancing in their underwear at midnight” happen. I want to see them after a few years like:

  • A sleepy good morning kiss that ends up with a palm in the face and a muttered, “brush your damn teeth first.”
  • A sleepy good morning kiss that ends up with a palm in the face and a muttered, “I will push you off the fucking bed if you don’t let me sleep.”
  • Watching scary movies on the couch and one of them falls asleep, head tilted back, mouth open, snoring loud enough to wake the neighbors.
  • “You unclog the toilet.” “No you unclog the toilet!” “Don’t you love me anymore?” “Only if you unclog the toilet.”
  • “Are those my jeans?” *shrug* “Does it matter anymore?”
  • Stealing a kiss while one is making dinner and getting smacked in the ear with the spatula.
  • Person A: “Can you pass me the oregano?” Person B: “I need payment first.” *puckers lips* Person A: *holds out a dollar*
  • Getting snowed in and arguing for an hour about whether to make the hot chocolate with milk or water until one of them just dumps the packet over the other’s head.
  • After having long, languid sex with strawberries and whipped cream, both of them laying in the wreckage of the bed, sheets, towels. Both: “that was such a bad idea. We’ll never get this all cleaned up.”
  • Holding hands after a date, wandering through the romantic twilight, so in love, and one says, “shit, it’s getting late and we haven’t gone grocery shopping yet.”
  • Person A coming up behind Person B, wrapping their arms around their waist, gently kissing the back of their neck and murmuring, “you’ve got more gray hair back here.”
  • Renewing their wedding vows 10, 20, 30 years later and still crying like they did when they were young and youthfully in love and said “I do” for the first time.
  • Hugo: Hey, Mat?
  • Mat: What?
  • Hugo: Can I share something with you from earlier today?
  • Mat: What is it, Hugo?
  • Hugo: Well, I sent you a text early in the morning.
  • Mat: Yeah...
  • Hugo: Because I have to, uh, go out of town for one weekend.
  • Mat: Yeah.
  • Hugo: This month.
  • [Mat giggles]
  • Hugo: And so I was, like, I won't give specific dates, but I was like, "Do you have a preference if I go this weekend or the next weekend?"
  • Mat: Mm-hm.
  • Hugo: Your response.
  • [Both laugh]
  • Hugo: At 9:30 in the morning... "Mother fuckin' Jesse Eisenberg Jesus chRIST FUCK DUDE MOTHER Fuckin' Facebook movie bulLSHIT JESUS CAN YOU FUCKIN' BELIEVE THIS SHIT".
  • [Mat laughs]
  • Hugo: No punctuation. Random capitalization. So I respond, "I have no idea what we're talking about right now."
  • [Mat laughs]
  • Hugo: Forty-five minutes pass. I get a text from you. "GOD DAMN CREATED FACEBOOK AND FUCKING LAWYERS AND SHIT RIGHT FUCKIN' WINKLEVOSS TWINS GOD DAMN ROWING THE BOAT FUCK YO SHIT I CAN'T EVEN FUCKIN BELIEVE THIS SHIT HAVE YOU SEEN THIS SHIT FUCK I JUST WATCHED THIS SHIT FUCK JESSE EISENBERG MAN".
  • [Mat is dying with laughter]
  • Hugo: I say, "Mat, you're scaring me."
  • Hugo: An hour passes. You respond, "MOTHER FUCKIN SPIDER-MAN YOU PUT IN THE TIME FUCK PUT IN THE TIME MOTHER FUCKIN BUILT SHIT WITH HIS BARE HANDS FUCKIN BEST FRIEND SHIT JESSE EISENBERG I'm very tired".
  • Hugo: I'm just like, "No problem, man. I'll... I'll do most of the talking at the PTA meeting today."
  • Hugo: IMMEDIATE RESPONSE. I'M TALKING, LIKE FIVE SECONDS LATER. "NO MAN I'LL JUST TALK ABOUT THE FACEBOOK MOVIE ALL DAY SHIT MAN YOU HAVE TO BE SO INTERESTED IN THE SHIT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THE FUCKING FACEBOOK MOVIE FUCK DUDE I JUST WATCHED IT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO FUCK JESSE EISENBERG MAN HE FUCKED OVER SPIDER-MAN CRAZY WINKLEVOSS TWINS ROWING TRENT RESIN OAR DID THE SOUNDTRACK FUCK THIS GUY WHO INVENTED FACEBOOK I DON'T LIKE DIE I CAN'T THINK OF WHO THE FUCK INVENTED FACEBOOK ALL I CAN THINK IS THE GUY WHO PLAYED THE GUY WHO INVENTED FACEBOOK WHO THE FUCK INVENTED FACEBOOK".
  • [Mat is physically wheezing from laughing]
  • Hugo: And then in all capital letters. Two hours later.
  • Hugo: "MARK ZUCKERBERG".

So my players are in the middle of their first fight together as a party, and the creatures they’re up against (some homebrew stuff I whipped up for our 5E D&D game) are looking pretty worse for ware. (Some extra context–each of the players has a special homebrew skill I’ve given each of them for story purposes, as well.)

The Rogue: okay, okay. I’m going to take off my glove, hand it to Greycice (our elven monk), and use my skill on her. (The rogue’s skill gives a target of their choice advantage on three rolls of the Rogue can pass a wisdom roll).

DM (me): okay…? Roll wisdom…?

Rogue: *rolls a nat 20*

DM: Okay, so your turn is taken up giving Greycice advantage. Grey, it’s your turn.

Monk: IM GONNA SLAP THE MONSTER WITH THE GLOVE, AND USE A BONUS ACTION TO BACKHAND IT.

Monk: *proceeds to roll a crit on both attacks AND roll max damage twice, I shit you not*

DM: *holding head in hands as the party loses their shit* oh my god you just killed the damn thing with a fucking glove. A GLOVE.

Dating Yoongi (Suga) includes:

Originally posted by nnochu

  • highkey oblivious af
  • a good couple of months was spent of you trying to flirt with him
  • ending up writing him a note saying “i really like you, notice my advances you fucking piece of shit” because he cant take a hint
  • you both are so lazy omg
  • but no one can out lazy min yoongi
  • “Y/N can you pass me remote?”
  • “It’s literally right next to you wtf”
  • hIS GUMMY SMILE HAS ME WEAK Y’ALL
  • everytime he smiles you literally have some sort of camera ready to capture it
  • “Y/N what are you doing?” he asked when he realised a flash was coming from your phone
  • “Capturing art”
  • PDA?? what’s that??? min yoongi doesnt know what that is
  • honestly he just doesnt do it cause hes shy aw
  • him telling you to stop calling him cute cause its seriously damaging his swag
  • you purposely giving him cringey nicknames cause it annoys the shit out of him
  • “How’s my little sugar smoochy honey gummy bear doing?”
  • coming to sit on his lap when he’s working in nothing but your underwear and a fitted tshirt cause you know it turns him the fuck on 
  • you being the biggest supporter when he releases music
  • having songs dedicated to you
  • him showing you his music first cause your opinion is the most important
  • you falling in love with him all over again when he plays piano because its so beautiful and he’s so passionate about it
  • most date with suga include you cuddling up with him with loads of blankets and popcorn and watching the cringiest movies you can find
  • sometimes you have your doubts but then you catch him smiling and looking at you like you’re a goddess and you’re just like lol nvm he still wants it
  • the teasing between you both is un reAL LMAO
  • especially when you try to rap along with him
  • cause lets be real, he raps at the speed of light and you can’t keep up
  • like honestly you were still on the A to the G to the U to the STD part while he had finished like bro can you chill 
  • you once told him to give you that agust D and he threatened to break up with you lol
  • late night texts 
  • “dont the stars look beautiful tonight, yoongi”
  • “it’s 3am bitch tf go to bed”
  • literally the only reason you two fight is because he spends too much time at the studio and doesnt get enough food and/or sleep like min yoongi pls rest
  • thERES ALWAYS SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN YOU TWO
  • “i stg yoongi if you don’t move out of my way,”
  • “Why should I?” he smirks, backing you up into a corner before pining your arms above you
  • “Let me go”
  • “Make me,” he say iN A DEEP VOICE AND THAT JUST ENDS UP LEADING TO SEX WHOOPS
  • bitch his tongue is a force to be reckoned with
  • did y’all hear him when he was rapping the second verse to agust d???
  • we all know hes got that tongue technology damn
  • he’s hella rough during sex man dont give a fuCK
  • but it’s cool cause you like it like that
  • basically your relationship is filled with you two laughing and insulting each other buT LIKE DW CAUSE MIN YOONGI CAN BE CUTE WHEN HE WANTS TO BE AND WILL LITERALLY SHOWER YOU IN KISSES CAUSE HE LOVES YOU A LOT OKAY

keith is in the training room late at night practicing his shooting bc he can’t be bested by lance right ??? but he actually sucks pretty badly

lance finds him in there and kinda just watches him for a little bit but then lance realizes that damn keith is actually really bad at this i should go help him

so lance walks over and is like “hey keith let me help you with that”

and he does the whole “let me show you how to do it” and wraps his hands around the gun and his arms around keith subsequently

keith is like wtf why is he so warm what the hell and he’s super flustered

lance notices and says something along the lines of “hey eyes on the target sharpshooter” and then he’s got this super focused expression right bc he’s actually here to show keith how to shoot and not there just flirt (totally not)

and keith notices and is like shit he’s hot when he does that !! but looks away and at the target bc staring is bad

so lance is going through the works like here’s how you should be holding it. is that comfortable. you should be aiming with this instead of this.

and the entire time keith can barely pay attention bc lance is really fucking warm right but he’s trying his best

and then after a while lance backs away bc he’s tired and he originally just got up for some water and keith is doing better now

but keith kind of misses the warmth but he says thanks anyways

and then slips up and says “hey maybe next time you can teach me how to use your sniper rifle” and is like shit wtf @ self !! next time??? i barely survived tonight

and of course lance isn’t going to pass up the opportunity to spend some quality bonding time with keith so yeah sure keith will do, same time tomorrow?

masterpost of iconic lines/moments in Froot (2015) by Marina and the Diamonds

Happy: 

  • when the chorus effect starts on the line “melted away like I was free” and my soul escaped my body, went to hell, and was immediately forgiven by the benevolent god that is marina diamandis
  • “I realize to be happy, maybe I need a little company” and I started crying one minute and forty seconds into the album
  • the sheer force with which my head was ejected from my body when she hits the high note on “I believe someone’s watching over me”
  • the chord changes in the bridge making me feel melancholy realness, honey
  • invented the piano, invented happy songs that sound sad, invented music
  • I’ve fallen asleep crying to this song an uncountable amount of times

Froot:

  • THE FUCKING BASS RIFF IN THE FIRST TWO SECONDS which precisely and methodically severed my ear canal from my cranium
  • everything about this song
  • “ju-u-u-uice, la la la la la la la” >>> the entire discography of the rolling stones, the beatles, led zeppelin, and all of your dusty-ass “iconic” faves 
  • the sultriness of the fucking low G she hits perfectly and consistently throughout the verses
  • “but I ain’t in a patient phase” probably the most iconic modern music will get
  • the way she sings “come on fill your cup uuuuuuuUUUUUPP” shattering my femur
  • “i’ve been saving all my summers for you” assassinates all of the poetry by William Shakespeare combined
  • every part of the second verse, especially “baby I am plump and ripe, I’m pinker than shepard’s delight, sweet like honeysuckle late at night” which was better sex-ed than I received throughout my entire adolescent academic career
  • “birds and worms will come for me, the cycle of life is complete” making fucking DECOMPOSITION the sexiest thing anyone has ever said in the compendium of human history
  • The Fucking Bridge Melody that she sings well beyond the troposphere, above the stratosphere, and sitting sexily in the mesosphere
  • “oh my body is ready, yeah it’s ready, yeah it’s ready”

I’m a Ruin

  • marina single-handedly addressing the complexities of young-adult relationships with “I could treat you better but I’m not that smart”
  • the insane degree to which I scream “yeah yeah, uh huh, woo hoo, yeah yeah” at the end of the chorus, thus startling my neighbors and setting off car alarms
  • “It’s difficult to move on when nothing was right and nothing was wrong” making me spray tears out of my eyes like a machine gun
  • the way the back up vocals come in on “I’ve had my share of beautiful men, but I’m still young and I want to love again”
  • the dichotomy of “I’ll ruin you” and “I’m a ruin” are proven to be one and the same, thus ending the careers of marriage counselors across the world

Blue

  • the iconic and instantly-memorable backing track
  • the continuity between the themes of the last song with the opening line “we’ve broken up and now I regret it”
  • the FORESHADOWING of “and I don’t know why but I can’t forget it” which alludes to the themes of the NEXT song, Forget, basically proving Marina doesn’t need references to any body of literature but her own goddamn songs
  • “gimme love, gimme dreams, gimme a good self-esteem” ejecting my wig at mach 3 into another dimension
  • the sheer craftsmanship of the pre-chorus, which is perfectly catchy and memorable while refraining from cliches
  • the way the beat picks up on the chorus and I demand my non-existent ex to “gimme one more night”
  • “I’m sick of looking after you, I need a man to hold on to, I’m bored of everything we do, but I just keep coming back to you” proving marina is just as fed up with fuckboys as we are, but is just as flawed and hypocritical as us, showing her imperfections and making her more worthy of our worship
  • ending the song on the pre-chorus like the fucking INNOVATOR of MODERN MUSIC she is??? like please tell me WHEN will your fave

Forget

  • this list doesn’t include the visuals from the music videos but I will make an exception for the ICONIC wig she wears in the video
  • the vocals for “never heal” sending me into a tailspin and crashing into a ditch at 70 mph
  • 50% of the chorus is the word “forget” and it is STILL the height of modern literature
  • after her mention of an “abacus” in the second verse, abacus sales went up 2000% and surpassed their unprecedented popularity in ancient Greece
  • “yeah it’s time to be letting go, yeah baby you know what I’m talking about” probably the most iconique start to a bridge physically possible in this dimension
  • “YEAH I’VE BEEN DANCING WITH THE DEVIL I LOVE THAT HE PRETENDS TO CARE IF I’LL EVER GET TO HEAVEN WHEN A MILLION DOLLARS GETS YOU THERE OH ALL THE TIME THAT I HAVE WASTED CHASING RABBITS DOWN A HOLE WHEN I WAS BORN TO BE THE TORTOISE I WAS BORN TO WALK ALONE” is not supposed to be a high-intensity part of the song but I don’t fucking care obviously
  • the way she fucking develops the lyrics of the chorus throughout the song and makes each line the best life lesson you ever heard??? who is this woman?????

Gold

  • by FAR the most underrated song on the album for no goddamn reason like, have you demons even listened to it?? hmmmmm????
  • i have no idea how the accompaniment was made for the song but whoever did it was a genius and needs to be remembered for the rest of time
  • “doesn’t matter long as I am your star, sta-AAARRRR” melodically groundbreaking, please take notes everyone
  • “don’t think i want what I used to want, don’t think I need what i used to need” addressing the pains of growing out of old friendships and passions in a fun approach
  • “you can’t take away the Midas touch, so you better make way for a GREEK GOLD RUSH” YES MAMA REPRESENT YOUR COUNTRY LIKE THE GODDESS YOU AAAARE
  • knew she could rhyme “El Dorado” with “Colorado” and fucking did
  • the fade out at the end of the song painting her as a con-artist or corrupt gold-dealer being hauled off to jail while reveling in the near success of her schemes is what???? I C O N I C

Can’t Pin Me Down

  • this song is direct proof that marina is a straight up motherfucking KUNT in charge of her destiny. the album is labeled as explicit because of this ONE song and only ONE line: “you might think I’m one thing, but I am another. You can’t call my bluff, TIME TO BACKUP MOTHERFUCKER” like not only is this the most badass line in the history of language, but this line was so important to her that she made the album explicit JUST FOR THIS ONE LINE. SHE IS AN ICON. END OF STORY.
  • she is a feminist! BUT! “Do you really want me to write a feminist anthem, I’m happy in the kitchen cooking dinner for my husband” proving that you do NOT know this bitch. she is nothing you think she is. except that she is an I C O N.
  • the meter of “just another girl in the twenty-first century” has me unpredictably and immeasurably shook because she is just! that! kind! of! girl!
  • “You think I’m like the others, boy you need to get your eyes che-e-e-e-e-e-ecked, che-e-e-e-e-e-e-ecked” blew the skin clean off of my face
  • “i can be your russian doll” like,,,, gag
  • the entire concept and existence of this song is revolutionary and cements her position as the strongest female artist of our generation

Solitaire

  • holy FUCK you guys love to hate amazing songs, don’t you?? this song is without a doubt one of my favorites and you fuckers have the NERVE
  • the production on this song is one of a kind and continues to prove her versatility in style on this album. any reservations you had about her from electra heart better be EVAPORATED by this point.
  • the melodies on this song are, besides Froot, the catchiest on the album for me. they are so well crafted and inventive, i am shaking
  • “hard like a rock, cold like stone, white like a diamond, black like coal, cut like a jewel, yeah I repair myself when you’re not there” is such an amazing pre-chorus for this song like it could no possibly be better than that
  • the way the mood shifts from the verse to the chorus cut off my arms with raw blunt force
  • the flourish on the line “and I’ll admit all I wanna do is get drunk and silent” gave me an aneurysm
  • holy fucking SHIT the end of the bridge is for sure a highlight on the album. “but I’m not cursed, i’m not cursed, I was just covered in dirt” like damn marina go all the way off
  • the extra-dimensional high notes on this song are second to none, babes

Better Than That

  • “You’re just another in a long line of men she screwed” is the FUCKING WAY TO START A SONG, GIRLS. ARE YOU JOTTING THIS DOWN??
  • “So why’s she looking like a cat who got the cream?” ugh marina is so perfect I cannot deal with this bitch anymore
  • the sheer vocal talent on the chorus, like how high can this girl go? someday she’s going to rupture my eardrums and I will thank her personally
  • “with an angel voice, devil in disguise” the vocal production for this is perfect and successfully made me shit myself
  • “and she’ll network till her dreams come true, even if it means getting in a bed with you” miss marina is out for BLOOD everyone, the music industry is cowering in fear of her objective talent and lack of fucks
  • “i’m not passing judgment on her sexual life, I’m passing judgement on the way she always stuck her knife in my back” whoever this woman is she is getting READ for FILTH by lady diamandis and you all need to watch your backs

Weeds

  • this song is straight out of a sappy rom-com and I am fully living for it
  • “but it keeps growing back like WEEDS” I am currently screaming please give me a moment
  • “and God knows what sex is, a way to feel a bit, a little bit less lonely” marina chose sex to be a prominent theme on this album but she has shown she can handle it in the moment mature way any woman in the industry can. it’s subtle, it’s methodical, it isn’t vulgar, it’s just straight real and honest and such an important thing to discuss! this song is another aspect of how sex can be important in our lives. she better preach tbh
  • the aesthetics can reserved character on this song are a beautiful contrast that the album needed. filler tracks who???

Savages

  • full disclosure, this song blew a hole right through my body with the sheer impact of its lyrics and chorus
  • there are so many fucking good lyrics on this song, it’s truly baffling that anyone has a career in the music industry after this was dropped
  • “I’m not afraid of God, I am afraid of man” I am Screeching
  • the first beat of the chorus, my bodily fluids are already dripping from the ceiling and my bones are crushed into a fine powder
  • “underneath it all, we’re just savages hidden behind shirts, ties, and marriages” she is prophet, the chosen one, the woman who will deliver us from our mortal coils
  • “another day, another tale of rape, another ticking bomb to bury deep and detonate” Marina is fully aware of the important problems our nation is facing at the time the album was released and even to today. she isn’t a shallow artist like the persona she created in electra heart, she has become almost the exact opposite. She is taking on these issues with a clear judgment and grace and I am so proud and appreciative of her work.
  • “are you killing for yourself or killing for your savior?” YES YOU BETTER ASSASSINATE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS
  • the buildup in the last chorus to the E T H E R E A L ending is clearly the climax of modern pop music

Immortal

  • you could play this song for me and tell me it’s a message from an angel and I would 200% believe you
  • the melody on this track is so fucking pristine it’s like a glacier melting in your mouth
  • it continues the themes of humanity from Savages but looks at a completely different issue about it. this album is cohesive, planned out, and a complete and full body of work
  • the moment the chorus hits with “I’m forever chasing after time” my limbs are being forcibly extended by a device of love and torture
  • “but if the earth ends in fire, and the seas are frozen in time, there will be just one survivor, the memory that I was yours and you were mine” ok not kidding anymore this is STRAIGHT up MOTHER fucking POETIC genius and innovation at its most concentrated and talented moment
  • when she says “twice” on the high note in the chorus, it’s like the most beautiful bell shattering in my ear, tbqh
  • THE FUCKING BRIDGE is actual art. “I just wanna be able to say the I live my life” the way she executes this melody is cold-blooded and frankly she should be charged with manslaughter for it


bottom line, Marina Diamandis released the biggest breakthrough in pop music to date in 2015 and all of you demons let it flop. if you have the nerve to call this album a failure, I have literally 0 respect for you and no one is ever going to love you

Science Dad™ Tony Stark will always be a fav. He, along with babes Peter Parker and Harley Keener, make the perfect lil’ family.

Give me Tony Stark who donates new lab tech to Peter’s school after he makes an off-handed comment about how the lab tech at his school is out of date (he does this anonymously, but Peter figures it out relatively quickly).

Give me Tony Stark who goes to Peter’s school as a surprise and sits with him during lunch while entertaining Peter and his friends with funny stories about his days at MIT with his best friend, Rhodey.

Give me Tony Stark who sends Harley some fancy new tech (cellphone, tablet, a mini Dum-E, etc) every year on the anniversary of when they met (every note is signed, The Mechanic).

Give me Tony Stark who creates alibis for Peter when he has to run off and save the day and who greets Peter after a fight with medical care (he lets Peter sleep in his lab, it’s the only time he won’t blast his music).

Give me Tony Stark who provides verbal guidance (either over the phone or via hologram or webcam) for Harley while he works on a piece of tech to enter into his school’s Science Fair (and Tony sending him an upgraded potato gun when he wins).

Give me Tony Stark introducing Peter to Harley and actually have to sit down while they get to know each other because he is, for several moments, overwhelmed by the fatherly like care he has for Peter and Harley (he will probably never marry and have kids of his own, so this is as close as he can get).

Give me Tony Stark who invites Peter and Harley into his personal lab so he can get their opinions on the new schematics for his arc reactor for clean energy (he even has FRIDAY take down their suggestions and ends up altering the design because, hey, these kids are really freakin’ smart!).

Give me Tony Stark who, together with Peter, tries to create the perfect grilled cheese sandwich (calculating the right amount of butter and cheese) while Harley sits in the background eating the rejects (Tony stops him before he can eat his fifth because he’ll ruin his appetite for ~dinner~).

Give me Tony Stark who designs a mini gauntlet for Harley so he can use it’s stunning ability to aid other kids when they are being bullied (he designs it similar to his watch, but let bulky and hot rod red).

Give me Tony Stark who keeps Peter’s old costume framed in his workshop because he knows it’s something to be proud of (plus, Peter was gonna’ throw it away and Tony wasn’t having that). 

Give me Tony Stark who opens two separate accounts for Harley and Peter so they and their families will be taken care if anything happens to him (he doesn’t tell them, of course, because he doesn’t want to worry them but the possibility will always be there).

Give me Tony Stark who doesn’t censor his mouth around Harley and Peter because “if you can take on some scary as shit baddies, then you’re allowed to fucking curse!” (Harley is yelling “Hell yeah!” and “Shit, Tony’s right!” in the background).

Give me Tony Stark who passes on one of his class rings to Peter when he graduates high school (because Tony knew Peter would graduate a year or so before his classmates).

Give me Tony Stark who lets Harley help him take apart and rebuild one of his classic sports cars (the one Harley has been gushing over) for the hell of it (and not tell Harley that the car is now under his name).

Give me Tony Stark who finally gives in to Peter’s and Harley’s nagging and ends sitting in the middle of his couch with Peter on one side and Harley on the other as they watch Big Hero 6 (Tony doesn’t comment when both fall asleep just before the movie is over and he doesn’t move. He pities his father for never having this.)

I love these!

you’re hot (when you’re mad)

isaac knows the perfect way to distract his wife when she’s angry.  

Keep reading

1.) Being outside. There is something so naturally enticing about feeling the grass beneath my feet, the sun kissing my skin and feeling the wind in my hair. It always seems to instantly improve my mood.


2.)Laughing. Laughing at the most meaningless, stupid little corny or even inappropriate things. Laughing until my chest hurts and my stomach aches. Especially laughing with someone I love, and realizing in that moment that my life would not be the same with out them.

3.) Getting out of the house. Going anywhere. Pointless drives to nowhere, buying a $1.25 coffee with the extra change in my purse and people watching, walking in the park or even just  window shopping. Getting out and doing anything fixes racing thoughts and anxious hearts.

3.)Hot baths. Sinking into a steaming hot bath with dim lights and allowing my mind to think about nothing other than the silence and calming heat on my body. Allowing myself to slowly slip into complete intoxicating  sedation.

4.)Exercise. Running and running until I can’t feel my legs. Sweating and getting my heart pumping and my muscles aching in any way possible. Exercise releases endorphin’s and serotonin which decreases anxiety and depression. Being fit and comfortable in your skin is a plus too.

5.)Love. Forehead kisses and being wrapped up in the arms of the one I so deeply  love makes me feel alive, safe and untouchable. Seeing him causes the world to stop, my heart to race and my breath to quicken. Nothing else on the planet matters when we are together. If you haven’t found your soulmate, be patient, you will.  

6.) Adventures. Traveling. Exploring. Watching sunsets in brand new places, and walking on newly touched land is the most invigorating thing that can happen. City skylines, mountains, endless fields of nothing, rivers and oceans that never end. Random conversations with random people. Go everywhere, take risks, do crazy shit, see everything , never pass up an opportunity to experience life and the beautiful world that we take for granted.

—  Six things to make you happy
All Yours (Connor Murphy X Reader)

WC: 2116

Warnings: Gets pretty steamy (I’ll seperate it in case y'all are uncomfortable with it), sad Connor, language, fluff

Summary: Connor has a (bad) habit of sneaking into his girlfriend’s bedroom when he’s feeling down. Y/N doesn’t mind at all.

A/N: This is a combination of two requests. One from an anon who wanted Connor sneaking into the reader’s room when he’s feeling upset, and eventually breaking down, and one from @lildipstick who wanted fluff or smut with Connor Murphy. Hope you guys enjoy!

I scrolled mindlessly through tumblr, the bright screen and The Book of Mormon cast recording the only things keeping me from falling asleep. I looked at the time on my laptop screen and exhaled when I read it. 12:30 AM.

I suddenly heard a noise that sounded slightly sinister and I pressed pause on the music, taking my headphones out. I said there in the semi dark, my laptop screen illuminating my face.

My window suddenly opened and I jumped, letting out a curse. “Connor Murphy, you bastard. Give me some warning next time.” I said, as Connor’s lanky frame clambered into my bedroom.

“I don’t know exactly when I’m going to need a break from my family, so I can’t give you warning when it happens.” Connor said smugly, shutting my window behind him.

“Whatever you nerd. You interrupted my nightly Book of Mormon session, so I hope you feel bad.” I retorted as Connor sat down on my bed, glancing at my laptop screen.

“You and your goddamn Broadway shows.” Connor mused, laying down on my bed. “Excuse you, Broadway is wonderful. It’s not gay if you listen to it, Connor. Jared likes it.” I said and Connor snorted, sitting up.

“Jared is gay.” Connor retorted and I felt my cheeks go red. “Bad example, but you get my point. Correlation, not causation.” I said, hoping I didn’t sound like too much of an idiot.

“I didn’t think it was possible for someone to get so worked up about musical theatre.” Connor said, his dark hair half up in a bun. I snorted and Connor looked at me strangely.

“If you think that’s me getting worked up about theatre, you should see me when someone tries to convince me that all musicals are pretty much the same. That’s getting worked up about theatre.” I said, huffing slightly. Connor just chuckled, reaching across and tucking a stray lock of hair behind my ear.

“You’re cute when you’re annoyed. Your face kinda screws up, and it’s adorable.” Connor said casually, and my cheeks went an even brighter red.

“We’ve been dating for 3 months and you still blush when I compliment you.” Connor said, moving my laptop out of the way and pulling me close to him. “I’m not used to people saying nice things about me.” I muttered and Connor let out a sigh.

“Neither am I, Y/N. I guess we’ll have to be each other’s firsts.” Connor said and my eyes widened, suddenly aware of how this might look to my parents. Connor chuckled at my expression, kissing my cheek gently.

“I didn’t mean it like that, Y/N, but if you want to.” He said, wiggling his eyebrows. I scoffed and shoved his side playfully, burying my burning face in the crook of his neck.

I inhaled his scent and noticed that there was a smell missing. A smell that usually coated him. “You haven’t been smoking.” I said, but my tone made it sound more like a question. Connor nodded, and I looked up at him.

“I stopped smoking when we started dating. Weed used to be my therapy, sure, but I’ve got a new form of therapy right here. That’s why I always come here when I need a break from everything that’s going on. Nothing helps me get my mind off things better than you.” Connor said, playing with my hair as he spoke.


KINDA SMUTTY PART KIDS

I pressed feather light kisses up Connor’s neck, knowing exactly the spot to put a little more pressure. Connor took in a deep breath and shuddered slightly, and I could feel his heartbeat speed up.

“Y/N.” He breathed out shakily, and I looked up at him with mock innocence in my eyes. “Yes?” I said innocently, although the smirk on my face betrayed any innocence in my voice.

“God, you don’t know what you do to me.” Connor growled, his voice low and husky. “So then why don’t you let me know.” I replied, capturing Connor’s lips in a heated kiss. I slipped one arm around his waist, and tangled my other hand through his hair.

Connor eagerly kissed back, and I leaned forward, pushing him down onto his back. “Y/N.” Connor said, panting slightly as he slipped his hands under my shirt, his slightly calloused fingers running over my skin.

He quickly slipped my shirt off, and his hands moved further up my chest. My breathing quickly became laboured, and I could tell Connor noticed. He simply smirked, and I retracted my hand from his hair and moved it to the front of his jeans, noticing his expression change to a look of shock and bliss. 

“Shit.” Connor muttered, disposing of his shirt as my hands were… preoccupied. “You sure… you wanna do this?” Connor breathed out, his eyes half closed.

“Does this answer your question?” I said, undoing the zipper on his jeans and tugging them down, the bulge in his underwear significantly more noticeable now. Connor’s response was a low moan, and I smirked to myself, in awe of the effect I had on him. “I’m all yours, baby.”

KINDA SMUTTY PART OVER


Connor and I laid on my bed together, the both of us sweaty yet immensely satisfied. “Holy shit.” Connor muttered, nuzzling his head in the crook of my neck.

“I know.” I said, shivering as his breath tickled the sensitive skin on my neck. “I don’t not think this was how the night would go.” Connor said, snaking his arms around my waist.

“Neither did I, but I’m glad that’s how it ended up.” I said, glancing at the numbers on my alarm clock. 1:00 AM. “So.. what prompted tonight’s visit?” I asked after a stretch of silence. Connor took in a deep breath, and I immediately felt like I’d hit a nerve.

“It was mom and dad. They were… they’ve fought before, sure, but nothing on this level. They were screaming, and I’m fairly certain I heard something get thrown.” Connor said softly, and I let out a sad sigh.

“I… I can normally cope with it, because I always come to you, but for some reason, this is more than I reckon I can deal with.” He said, and I felt hot tears hit my skin. I turned around so I was facing Connor, his eyes red.

“Hey, hey, babe, I’m here.” I said, circling my arms around his waist and pulling him close to me. He started gently sniffling and I simply held him tighter, our bare chests pressed flush together.

“When it all feels like it’s too much. Like you can’t bear another day. You know exactly where to find me. Just sneak in through my bedroom window, and if I’m asleep you can just slip into my bed. I honestly won’t mind.” I said, rubbing Connor’s back soothingly, kissing his forehead.

Connor looked up at me with a look of astounding love and gratitude in his eyes. “I love you, Y/N.” Connor said, my breath hitching as he uttered those three words that neither of us had spoken to the other before. 

“And I love you. I love you so much, Connor. I don’t know what life would be like if I didn’t have you sneaking into my bedroom in the middle of the night.” I said, gently placing my lips on his.

This kiss was softer, gentler than the first kiss we shared this morning. This kiss conveyed love, and it left me feeling like a schoolgirl with a crush. My stomach was full of butterflies, and my skin heated up when Connor cupped the side of my face with his hand.

“How do you manage to still look so beautiful, even though you’re covered in sweat and have major sex hair?” Connor said and I blushed darkly, thanking the lord that it was pitch black.

“Maybe it’s because you can’t see me.” I said and Connor chuckled, tucking a strand of my majorly messy hair behind my ear. “That was funny, but it was also bullshit. I know that you look beautiful no matter if you’re wearing makeup or not, or if you’ve spent a whole heap of time working on your hair. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing, although I will say that my favourite outfit is the one you’re wearing now.” Connor said and I punched his shoulder playfully.

“I could say the same thing for you, Murphy.” I said, smirking at him and scanning his body. “You know, you’re the first girl who’s actually seen me naked.” Connor said and I moved my mouth towards his ear.

“And let me tell you, it’s quite a sight.” I whispered, noticing how he shivered slightly at my words. “If you wanted round 2, you could’ve just asked.” Connor said cheekily, tracing his finger down my spine.

“Maybe later, big boy. Tomorrow is, after all, a school day.” I said and Connor pouted, sitting his hands on my waist. “We could just skip.” He suggested, and I frowned.

“I’d normally say yes, but I’ve got some exams tomorrow that I can’t afford to miss.” I replied, taking ahold of his free hand. “That sucks. Now that you mention it, it’s like 1:30. I should probably head back home so mom and dad don’t give me hell for running away or some shit like that.” Connor said, untangling himself from me and sitting up.

I immediately felt cold, and I shivered as a breeze passed through the room. “You can keep my hoodie. I know how much you love it.” Connor said, handing me the bundle of fabric. 

I held it close to my face and sniffed it, Connor’s scent filling my nose. “Thank you.” I whispered, slipping on the hoodie. “You’re welcome. I have, like, 5 more at home. I can spare one for you.” He said, pressing a kiss to my cheek as he pulled on his jeans.

“I love you Connor.” I said once he was dressed, the moonlight highlighting his sharp cheekbones. His usually cold face softened, allowing me access to a side of him very, very few have seen.

“I love you Y/N. I’ll see you at school, ok?” Connor said, and I nodded as he opened my bedroom window. “I’ll see you at school.” I replied, touching my fingers to my lips. They felt like Connor’s lips were still moulded with them, and I didn’t want the feeling to go away.

“I love you Y/N.” Connor whispered, blowing me a kiss before leaving my bedroom, shutting the window behind him. I laid down in my bed, Connor’s hoodie pulled tightly around me like a security blanket of some sorts.

I felt myself finally drifting off to sleep after the events of the past hour or so. “I love you.” I muttered once more before drifting off to sleep. Little did I know that Connor was muttering those same words as he walked home, that adorable, dorky smile resting on his face as he said them.


“Good morning Y/L/N.” Jared said, awkwardly pushing past people as he approached me. “Good morning Jared.” I chuckled, adjusting the straps of my backpack as I spoke.

“Hey, is that a new hoodie?” Jared asked, gesturing to Connor’s hoodie with his thumb. My cheeks flushed slightly and I nodded. “You could say that.” I responded, fiddling with the white strings of the jacket.

Jared’s brow furrowed, as he stared intently at the hoodie. Suddenly his eyes widened, and his jaw dropped so far it practically hit the floor. “That… that’s Connor Murphy’s, isn’t it?” Jared said, his eyes now trained on me.

I felt my blush darken as I nodded, and Jared smirked his trademark smirk. “So, you and Murphy, eh? I wouldn’t have imagined it, but now I can picture it.” He said, punching my shoulder lightly. “Whatever Jared.” I muttered, my cheeks ablaze as I opened my locker.

“Hey, it’s no big deal. I’m happy for the two of you, of course. I just, it’s unexpected, that’s all.” Jared said, and I looked at him quizzically. He let out a sigh and ran a hand through his hair.

“I’ve always thought of you as my little sister, Y/N, and I want to look out for you. I’ve heard horror stories about Connor and his… temper, so I just wanted you to be happy. And safe.” Jared said, concern clear in his eyes.

“You don’t have to worry about me, Jared.” I said and Jared looked like a considerable weight had been taken off his shoulders. “I love Connor, and I am both safe and happy. In fact, I reckon I’ve never been happier.”

klance wedding headcanons

alright so a bunch of you asked for some klance wedding headcanons in response to the shallura wedding post and ho boy i am here to deliver 

(shoutout to @leg-defender again for idea bouncing with me!)

  • first off, the wedding is Big. because Lance’s family is HUGE and they gotta be involved in e v e r y t h i n g. they’re basically orchestrating the whole shebang along with the rest of the voltron crew. 
    • Lance’s family does a shitton of research on Korean weddings because they want to include traditions from Keith’s culture as well as Lance’s. 
      • An entire twenty-four hour day is spent with the whole team on computers, at libraries, calling old Korean friends and sending Shiro out to be the honorary diplomat. by the end of the day they could probably run their own program on the history channel.
  • Hunk, Lance’s mother, grandmother, and anyone else with even a fingernail of cooking talent are all on the Food Squad together because let’s be honest there is a lot of food to be made. 
    • nobody knows what kind of food Keith likes and they can’t ask Lance because it’s supposed to be a surprise so they have to send Pidge out for reconnaissance
      • Pidge has no idea how to navigate the situation and ends up trying to ask Keith what his favorite restaurant is in hopes of getting somewhere
      • his favorite restaurant is the Pizza Hut down the street
      • Pidge gives up and just tells everyone he likes traditional Korean food (which he does)
  • The “Bachelor Party” is just the whole original voltron crew having a fun night out of the town
    • they go to an arcade
    • Keith beats Lance in just about every game they play
    • minus the first person shooters and dance dance revolution
    • nobody beats Lance at dance dance revolution
    • nobody.
  • Hunk is pretty much Lance’s Maid of Honor, Shiro is Keith’s
    • Almost every single one of Lance’s siblings is a Bridesmaid/Groomsman
    • Keith doesn’t really have a lot of people to be his Groomsmen so Lance’s siblings take the position for his side too
    • They literally fight over who gets to be a Groomsman for Keith they all want to do it so bad
      • it makes Keith cry bc he never thought he’d be part of a big family like this and it just makes him Really Fucking Happy
  • Keith is kind of a fashion disaster and doesn’t know how to pick out what to wear so Lance’s five sisters immediately adopt him.
    • they spend the whole day shopping together
    • Lance has never seen someone get along with all of his sisters so well in his entire life
      • it’s actually a little freaky how well
      • Lance is Afraid
  • For the wedding Keith has his nails painted blue and Lance has his painted red
    • Lance’s little cousins do it for them so it’s kind of sloppy but it’s insanely fucking cute
  • Allura and Lance’s mom are the Decorating Dream Team
    • the whole venue looks like it just came off of a goddamn pintest board 
    • in the best way possible
    • Allura has added some more questionable decorations but what can you do
    • “Are those… goldfish bowls?” “Yes.” “Ok.”
  • Coran along with Lance’s like 98 year old great-grandmother are the ones who marry them
    • yes both of them
    • they both demanded to have the position so they had to share it
    • at first they didn’t get along so well but now they are best buddies for some odd reason
    • no one knows why they get along but they do so nobody’s complaining 
  • Lance starts bawling like three words into his vows
    • he can’t help it Ok it’s a Very Emotional Moment
    • the whole thing is rly sweet though because Keith just smiles Super Fucking Wide and wipes away his tears. Everyone’s heart in a 300 mile radius melts. If you weren’t crying before you sure as hell are now.
  • They kiss for Way Too Long during the ceremony. Pidge has to not-so-subtly kick Lance in the ankle and remind them not to suffocate eachother.
    • Lance is so getting Pidge later for that.
    • he never actually gets Pidge later for that.
  • The reception is really just One Huge Fun Dance Party 
    • basically everyone is drunk but in the best way possible
    • there is karaoke 
      • Lance forces Keith to come on stage with him and sing
      • except Lance chooses a song in Spanish and Keith has n o i d e a what he’s doing
      • the only part of the song Keith gets is this really slow line when he looks Lance right in the eyes and says “Besame, te amo”
      • it’s a one-hit-KO 
      • Lance is #gone
      • he forgets how to speak spanish altogether and just starts sputtering random words that translate to things like “my entire bathtub is green” and the spanish rendition of the happy birthday song
  • They all unanimously decide to eat the cake before dinner.
    • They wish they had an excuse for breaking out the cake before dinner but they don’t. The just really want to see the cake Hunk has been bragging about making for weeks.
    • the cake is so beautiful Lance starts crying again
    • honestly nobody can really blame him is is one hell of a cake
  • Shiro’s toast speech is like 10 minutes of roasting Keith and Lance for all the dumb shit they’ve done over the years
    • “I remember when you two had a contest to see who could eat more cheese logs–”
    • “Or the time when you both hung upside down so long you passed out and we had to take you to the ER—”
    • “And there was The Poison Ivy Incident last March–”
    • “Oh don’t even get me started on the Slip ‘N Slide race—”
      • “Shiro… Please…. Let Us Live………”
  • alas 20 minutes into the actual dinner a Huge food fight breaks out
    • It. Is. Chaos.
    • Everybody participates. Nobody is spared. 
    • Food is e v e r y w h e r e but honestly who cares they’re having a blast.
    • There is a running debate to this day over how it started
      • “Keith started it! With the potatoes!”
      • “I did not, it was all Lance and his stupid carrots!”
      • “Allura is the one who launched the peas,”
      • “Excuse me?! Shiro dumped the fruit punch”
      • “Only after Hunk threw the rice cakes!”
      • “Oh no don’t you drag me in to this–”
  • In conclusion, it’s absolute Chaos but it’s the most fun, exciting, Lance-and-Keith-like wedding anybody’s been to in like a million years and nobody leaves without a smile on their face and one hell of a story to tell.
Try Not To (Jungkook x Reader Fluff/Slight Smut)

Summary: “Try not to get nervous.”

(( Note: another story for the youngest member who stands on top. In this one I more so like the bickering than the actual ‘fluff’ or ‘smut’ which is so so so mild I warn you. So, idk about this one at all :(( Either way, I hope you all enoy! ))


Could you have taken any longer, holy fuck.

It was a far late into a chilly Sunday night and you were standing outside your friend’s door clutching your tote bag against your chest and curling your toes against the rubber soles of your not-so-appropriate flip flops you when sporting. A combination of that plus a thin cardigan and pajama shorts were definitely not the greatest outfit choice when in this close-to-frozen mid-February weather. In your defense, it wouldn’t have been as horrifyingly cold as it was if it weren’t for Jeon Jungkook who took his sweet as time answering the door.

Fifteen minutes to be exact.

Keep reading

Our party has had some crazy times in just a couple of sessions. Some of the highlights:

Our Bard was being stupid, so our Druid threw fire at his cloak.
Me (DM): Ok, roll to attack the cloak.
Druid: (rolls)
Me: It hits. Roll damage.
Druid: (rolls damage)
Me: Congratulations, his cloak, which he had put on the ground, is now on fire.
Druid (OOC): I just wanted to singe the edge! How was I supposed to know it would catch on fire like that?!
Me: It’s a cloak, they’re not known for being resistant to fire!

—————————

Druid and Fighter were trying to make an appointment with an NPC:
Druid (IC): We would like to interview him for a… School project…?
Fighter, who has 6 INT (IC): Yes, we are from a schëwl.
Me: … Ok, [Druid], roll Deception at disadvantage, since she tried to convince anyone she’s ever been to school.
Druid (OOC): Why do I keep trying to talk, my Charisma is 4!
Me: That’s what I keep wondering, but it’s entertaining.

————————-

After the above conversation ends:
Druid (IC): Well, I guess that’s all. We’ll be going now.
Me (as NPC secretary): Yes, I believe that’s a good idea. (OOC) Just for my own amusement, give me a charisma roll.
Druid (OOC): (rolls a total of -1)
Me: As you go to leave, you close the door slowly. It creaks loudly the entire time. You never break eye contact with the secretary. She’s extremely uncomfortable.
Fighter (OOC): Can I go back in and offer her money to try and get us in sooner?
Druid (OOC): I think the time for that has passed.

Tl;dr: I love my group so much.

7

— END OF BOOK ONE.

  • Namjoon: Hey Jungkook.
  • Jungkook: What?
  • Namjoon: Can I share something with you from earlier today?
  • Jungkook: What is it?
  • Namjoon: Well, I sent you a text...
  • Jungkook: Mmhm.
  • Namjoon: ...Early in the morning.
  • Jungkook: Yeah.
  • Namjoon: Because I have to go out of town for one weekend this month, and so, I was like, I won't give specific dates, but "Do you have any preference whether I go this weekend, or the next weekend?"
  • Jungkook: Mmhm.
  • Namjoon: Your response...
  • Jungkook: *Starts laughing*
  • Namjoon: At 9:30 in the morning..."Motherfucking Jesse Eisenberg Jesus Christ fuck dude motherfucking Facebook movie bullshit Jesus can you fucking believe this shit"
  • Jungkook: *Laughing louder*
  • Namjoon: ...No punctuation ...Random capitalisation. So I respond, "I have no idea what we're talking about right now." Forty-five minutes pass. I get a text from you: "Goddamn created Facebook and fucking lawyers and shit right fucking Winklevoss twins goddamn rowing the boat fuck yo shit I can't even fucking believe this shit have you seen this shit fuck I just watched this shit fuck Jesse Eisenberg man"
  • Jungkook: *Laughing even louder*
  • Namjoon: I respond, "Jungkook, you're scaring me." An hour passes. You respond, "Motherfucking Spider-Man Spider-Man you put in the time fuck put in the time motherfucking build shit with his bare hands fucking best friend shit Jesse Eisenberg ...I'm very tired"
  • Jungkook: *Crying with laughter*
  • Namjoon: I'm just like, "No problem, man. I'll do most of the talking at the interview today." Immediate response, I'm talkin' like five seconds later: "No man I'll just talk about the Facebook movie all day shit man you have to be so interested in the shit I have to say about the Facebook movie fuck dude I just watched it a year and a half ago fuck Jesse Eisenberg man he fucked over Spider-Man crazy Winklevoss twins rowing Trent resin or did the soundtrack fuck this guy who invented Facebook I don't like dying I cant think of who the fuck invented Facebook all I can think is the guy who played the guy who invented Facebook who the fuck invented Facebook" And then, in all capital letters, two hours later, "MARK ZUCKERBERG"
  • Jungkook: *Hysterical laughter*

“You ain’t gotta be rich but fuck that 

How we gonna get around on your bus pass 

Before I put this pussy on your mustache, 

can you afford me? 

My niggas breadwinners, never corny 

Ambition makes me so horny 

Not the fussin’ and the frontin' 

If you got nothing, baby boy, you better 

Get up, get out and get some, 

shit I like a - lot of Prada, Alize and vodka 

Late nights, candlelight, then I tear the cock up 

Get it up I put it down everytime it pop up, huh 

I got to snap ‘em, let it loose, then I knock ya 

Feel the juice, then I got ya - when you produce a rock 

I let you meet momma and introduce you to poppa 

My - coochie remains in a Gucci name 

Never test my patience, nigga, I’m high maintenance

High class, if you ain’t rollin’, bypass 

If you ain’t holdin’ I dash yo…”

- Amil “Can I Get A…” (1998)

#MOOD