so what i got some bags under my eyes

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Homeward Bound Part Three {Bucky Barnes x Reader}

Part one

Part Two

Masterlist

A/N: I hope you guys enjoy this. Feedback is very much appreciated. I’m really excited for you guys to read the next chapter(which should be up sometime this week)!! 

Warnings: Pretty much all fluff! But there is some angsty Bucky. 

Bucky’s P.O.V

She looked tired and sad and angry all at once. But she was still beautiful. I had a nightmare and woke up to a mess of sheets and pillows. I tried to to sleep. I wanted to be the person Steve wanted me to be. But I don’t think I fit that mold anymore. So I got up left my room. I didn’t know what I wanted or what I needed. 

Then I saw her. Y/n. Her hair was a mess on her head and the bags under her eyes told the same story that mine did. She didn’t walk on eggshells with me. She was funny and sweet and good. Everything I wasn’t. I was harsh and mean and bad. I wish I wasn’t. But after HYDRA it seems like I’m the bad guy in every scenario. I hated them for what they did to me, what they made me do, and what they took from me. Yet I can’t help but hate myself for committing the atrocities that they ordered me to do. Steve tried to make me feel at home and I appreciated it. But I didn’t know what to make of the situation. 

She talked to me like a regular person. It’s been so long since i’ve had a conversation with someone who actually cared about me. It almost scared me. So I didn’t talk. I didn’t know what to say. She didn’t talk either, but she seemed at ease. Then her head fell onto my shoulder, her eyes closed, her breathing slow. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if I should take her to her room, or stay and not move, or wake her up. I moved my arm and she groaned and moved closer to me. So I wrapped an arm around her. I could hurt her. I could kill her. Yet she doesn’t seem to care. 

There’s something about her that familiar. Maybe I met her while at HYDRA. When she mentioned that, my already messed up heart felt for her. I wouldn’t wish HYDRA on anyone. I could see the anger in her eyes when she said it. I could feel my own anger bubbling up again. It was strange to see such a gentle person with so much anger. 

I felt sleep call my name. I was desperate to relax and right now with her here I felt like maybe I could. She has this way about her that just put everything at ease. So I let my guard down and let myself drift away. Because maybe for this moment I was safe.

Y/N POV

The sun hit my eyes. Fuck the sun, I thought. As I came to my sense I realized that something was holding me in place. I opened my eyes and found a most peculiar picture. I was laying down on the couch with Bucky with his arms around me. It was nice, I’m not going to lie. But I didn’t know what to do. The poor guy couldn’t sleep and here he was finally asleep. I didn’t want to wake him up, but I also had to get up. I tried to move out of his arms slowly as to not wake him up, but he tightened his hold on me. So I layed there. Bucky’s arms around me, his scent overwhelming me. It was weird. I almost didn’t want to get up. 

Then I saw Steve walk in. He walked right by us, obviously still sleepy. He grabbed some left over coffee and popped it in the microwave. I could hear his humming and I tried not to laugh. He woke up every morning at 6 am. So it must be 6 am. He then waltzed into the living room, humming a swing tune. He looked up at Bucky and I. He cocked his head in confusion.

“I don’t know” I mouthed. “Help me” was the next message I sent. He laughed. 

“Wake him up” He mouthed to me, taking a sip of his coffee.

“I feel bad” Bucky groaned and pulled me closer to him. I felt a little bit like a teddy bear. Steve smiled, but I could tell this bothered him a little bit. 

“Just stay” Steve said making his way out. 

“Come back” I whispered. But it was too late the super soldier was out. I was on my own in this situation. “Bucky” I said, trying to keep my voice not too loud. 

“Hmm” he muttered. Then I felt him move.

“Bucky are you awake?” I whisper.

“I am now” He groaned.

“I’m sorry” I told him, “But I need to get up”. I guess he didn’t realize that his arms were holding me. It took him a moment to let me go. 

“Oh I- I’m sorry” The winter soldier blushed. I smiled. It seemed strange that a man who could kill you in an instant was blushing in front of you acting sheepish. It was cute.

“Don’t be” I knelt down to the floor, “This way we both got some sleep” He smiled. This was the most relaxed I’ve ever seen him. It was nice. He sat up and I almost didn’t want to leave him. I wanted to just sit by him and talk or not talk. He was good company.”How ‘bout some breakfast” I offer. He nods. I can tell that the more awake he get, the tenser and more on alert he is. I wish I could will him to feel safe here. But I know that, that takes time. He got up and walked over to a window. He looked out and smiled. He basked in the sun.

“You can open it, if you want to” I offer, and he does. I can’t help the grin on my face as I watch him enjoy just looking out the window. For a scary guy he sure has a soft side. Once he gets his fill of the view he walks over to me. I had decided to make strawberry stuffed french toast, my specialty.

“Do you need help, Y/N” He offered rolling up his sleeves. 

“Yeah can you cut the strawberries” I say as I begin to put cream cheese on the bread. He does as I ask him to, carefully and skillfully. As soon as he’s done I get him to help me put them on the bread with cream cheese. Once that’s done we dip it in the batter and throw it in a pan with a shit ton of butter. I had already put on some music. I started to dance and he gave a small laugh.

“Am I amusing?” I ask as I begin to pull out some disco moves. He looks away from me with a giant grin on his face. “You look nice when you smile” I say when he looks at me once more. I can see him soften as he makes himself at home.

“Are you making what I think you’re making” Sam asks, all ready for the new day.

“You bet your ass I am” I say. 

“I love you” He says as he walks into the kitchen. 

He looks at Bucky and both men tensed up. Bucky looked Sam over, searching for something. Sam put his guard up, probably not wanting to get punched in the face again. Bucky hardened once more, becoming distant, cold, and quiet. 

“Why don’t you guys go chill in the living room, I work better on my own anyways” I say, not wanting a fight to break out in the middle of the kitchen where there is an arsenal of sharp weapons. They nod and move away from me. I start to sing a long as I flip the french toast. After a few minutes I hear Steve walk in. He comes up behind me and gives me a quick hug. 

“Heya Soldier” I say.

“Are you making-?” he points to the french toast.

“Your eyes do not deceive you, Rogers” I flash him a smirk. He punches the air in excitement. Needless to say my strawberry stuffed french toast is quite famous around here. 

“I brought you something” He hands me coffee from my favorite coffee shop. 

“I could kiss you right now” i joke and he laughs. Bucky walks into the kitchen, stiff and cold. “French toast is almost done”. He grunts as if that was an appropriate answer. He surveys the situation, glancing between Steve and I before leaving. 

“What was that?” Cap asked,

“I don’t know” I answer, 

“And this morning” I blush at his question. I look over to him and find a smug, cocky look on his face. His eyebrow is raised and his eyes are questioning.

“It was nothing”

“Y/N, are you blushing?” He teases. 

“We both had a hard time sleeping. Had coffee then fell asleep I guess” I focus on the art of flipping french toast. I could feel Steve’s gaze on me, his eyes boring holes into me. I wasn’t quite sure what he saw when he looked at me, but I wasn’t ready to find out.

“Guess that coffee wasn’t doing it’s job”  Steve’s sighs. 

“Maybe we need to switch brands” I offer with a nod. 

“You’re good with him” Steve blurts and I turn my head to look at him, “He seems to like you”. I can sense the hurt in his voice.

“He’ll warm up to you too Steve, you just need to let him do his thing” I assure him. 

“What is this song?” He says ruining the moment.

“It’s catchy” I defend myself.

“it’s crappy” He pokes fun at me. I stick my tongue out at him. 

“Go make sure the boys are okay and haven’t destroyed more lamps” I shoo Steve away. I’m left alone. Flipping french toast. Eating some of the left over strawberries. Fun. 

“Y/N” Bucky pokes his head in, “Are you sure you don’t need help”. His voice is emotionless and it’s hard to remember that he was the same guy who wouldn’t let go of me this morning, who was in awe of the sun. I can tell he’s restless. As if he needs to have something to do or else he doesn’t know what to do with himself. I was like that too for a while. Uncertain of my seemingly boring day. It’s hard to get used to the quiet when there’s still ringing in your ear. 

“It’s alright” I tell him. He stays there, standing upright. His presence too most people would have been intimidating, but I didn’t mind it. I continue my dance of dipping and flipping and singing. Before I know it, I’m done. I make some eggs real quick and breakfast is served. 

“Alright boys,I’m done” I say, setting the tray of french toast while Bucky puts down plates. I had already served the eggs. Steve and Sam hungrily sit down and grab as many french toasts as they can and I laugh. Bucky grabs two and looks at them. He examines them carefully. Probably out of habit. His face is stony and hard to read. I wonder what he’s thinking of in this moment.

“This is amazing! Y/N, you are my favorite person” Steve exclaims. 

“Honestly, best thing I’ve ever had in my mouth” Sam winks at me and I roll my eyes. Bucky stays quiet while Steve, Sam, and I converse. We try to get him to join but he he stays rigidly reserved. Bucky was sitting across the table from me. He had finished his food. 

“Do you want more, Bucky” I ask. He looks at me and nods his head swiftly. I hand him the last one. “I can make more” I tell him. He shakes his head. 

“Y/N, I have to go meet Nat” Steve tells me and I nod, “can you stay here”.

“Where else would I be?” 

“Thanks”

“You’re on dish duty” I tell him and he groans.

“Hey, I cooked” I tell him. Once we’re all done I walk over to the couch, plop down, and turn on the T.V. 

“Thank you” I hear a husky voice say.I look up into the most stormy, most comforting eyes.

“Of course” I motion for him to sit. “Next breakfast, it’ll be your turn. Don’t worry i’ll help” He keeps distance between us. I almost miss his warmth. 

“I remembered some stuff” He mutters. I ignore the T.V and face him.

“Hey Y/N, Sam and I will be back soonish” Steve says, “i’ll do the dishes when I get back”

“you better” I yell as he closes the door. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask softly, focusing on Bucky.

“I remember my last night before i shipped out” He states dryly, “I remember Steve. I remember him being smaller” I laugh. “I know I cared about him. And I know I wanted him safe, but the goddamn punk was determined to join the army” I smiled at his words. He goes on to tell me about his date, the girls he was with. He talks about the other memories that have come back, the good and bad, a lot of bad. Underneath it all Bucky is still Bucky and while we sit there talking about his yesterdays I get little sneak peaks of him. The cocky, sweet, self assured, protective Bucky. He doesn’t stay too long. He get quickly replaced by this tougher, rigid version that HYDRA made him be.

“This is amazing” I touch his arm. He tenses at first but the leans into my touch. “You’re remembering. I know some of the memories suck and hurt, but you’re getting closer to figuring yourself out now”

“You’re pretty positive” He teases but his eyes are alive. They are alive with the ghosts of years past, with the hope of tomorrow, with the sugar high he probably got from the french toast.

“Well, being negative doesn’t make things better” I focus my attention back to the T.V Screen. “Trust me, I’ve tried it” A cruel smirk finds it’s way to my face. I can feel the anger bubble once more as I recall HYDRA.

“Y/N?” Bucky asks, his voice soft and tentative. 

“Yeah” I look at him, and I can see the distress written in his features.

“I don’t think I can be the Bucky Steve wants” he admits it like it’s a terrible secret.

“You don’t have to be, you just have to be the Bucky you want to be”

“I don’t know if I can get there. It feels like I can never-”

“Be whole?” I offer, “yeah I know the feeling. The emptiness, it sucks but you’ll find people who make it less”. 

Bucky’s POV

I’m angry. So angry all of the time. It’s a weird feeling, having all this rage and sadness in me. It feels like i’m going to explode.Then the memories come and make it worse. It’s like rubbing salt in a fresh wound. But talking to Y/N about it helps. I know she understands, because of her past. So I tell her what I remember. I don’t hear judgement in her voice, she just accepts the bad bits without so much as a second take.

I’m not so angry when I’m with her.She leans close to me. I don’t know how to react so I let her. I can feel her warmth and I get closer to her. I’m not quite sure what we’re watching, but this is nice. 

HYDRA was cold and rough and in turn made me cold and rough. Y/N is warm and not soft, but compassionate. It’s nice being with her. She laughs at the T.V screen and I smile. 

I have known her less than a day, yet I feel good around her. I’m not the Winter Soldier, I’m not Cap’s best friend. I’m just Bucky. I haven’t felt like Bucky since I almost died that day I fell off the train. Most of my life since then I have wished I had died that day. 

“Bucky?” Her voice is quiet, tentative. I wonder if she’s scared of me. I wonder what she thinks of it all.  “You should give Steve a chance. He’s a good guy” A smile grows on her lips and an anger bubbles. “He cares about you a lot and I think- I think that he just wants you to be you. He’ll take you anyway he can” Her words hang in the air, heavy with meaning. I don’t know what to make of them. I didn’t understand how anyone could care about a person so broken. I don’t want to talk about this. I didn’t want to deal with this right now.

“What is this?” I ask pointing to the T.V. She picks up right away that whatever moment we just had, had ended. I ball my hands into fists. Does she know I could take her out in a second? 

“This is How I Met Your Mother” She explains, her eyes fixed on the screen. I nod but I don’t think she notices. I wanted to ask her to tell me what it was about, I wanted her to explain how the T.V worked, I wanted to ask her so many question but my voice didn’t seem to work. Suddenly I heard something. It was soft, almost like a footstep. I tense up, visibly because Y/N looks over at me. “You alright Barnes?” Her lilting voice broke my attention. I glances up at her. No one had called me Barnes in a very long time. I tried to remember when the last time someone called me that. It was within my grasp, but I couldn’t really grip it. “Bucky?” Concern is in her voice. I again wonder if she’s scared of me, of what I can do. I wonder if she’s afraid i’ll break like I did yesterday and attack her.

“I thought I heard someone” I move over to her. 

“It’s probably just Steve” She shrugs, her voice sounds sweet her eyes show her worry. Then I heard the noise again. Someone was coming, I could hear their voices now. Maybe it was Steve. But I couldn’t make out his voice. 

I saw the same people for periods of time. When I was out, and not frozen, the same team would surround me, prod me, “fix me”. Sometimes I would have the same team for more than one mission. Thing is I’m not used to new faces every day. I’m not used to new voices. The things I now know by heart are the cruelty and stability of routine, and the art of discipline. 

I feel her hand on mine and HYDRA skips my mind. I look up into her Y/E/C eyes and her faces has relaxed. She looks like a friend. Her eyebrows furrow and she looks to the door.

“That does not sound like Steve” She says, worry in her voice, “But I don’t think that’s cause for alarm”. The voices continue away from the door. I don’t ask any questions but i’m curious as to who those people were and where they were going.

I don’t make a sound. Maybe I was being ridculous.

“I was like that too. Jumpy I mean” She gives a sad laugh, “HYDRA really does ruin your trust in people. It’s weird I’ve never had a life outside HYDRA, and maybe that’s best. I never had anything to miss. The outside world for a really long time were bad guys and worse guys” Her voice is soft but sharp and angry. She bitterly looks at the screen. I can tell she’s lost in thought, maybe reliving a long forgotten yesterday. “I’m sorry that you got ripped away from your life” He voice is kind, not condescending or full of pity. She says it like a statement, a truth nothing more. 

“I’m sorry you never had the chance to have one” I’m surprised by my own words. I’m glad I spoke them

“Well maybe this second chance will work out better than the first”. I settle back into the couch. She’s close enough for me to reach out and touch her. I don’t. I keep my distance. I looked over at her once more, not fully understanding what was going on, on the television. She seemed okay. She seemed good. It was as if HYDRA never touched her. But there was an anger underneath all the happy, the good, and the soft. A quiet anger, the most dangerous kind. No one would know by looking at her, but as man with a lot of experience with rage, i’ve come to know it very well. 

I knew she was right about Steve. I just don’t know if I’m ready. I want to be ready. I want to try and move forward but it’s hard to move forward when there are demons in your head and scars on your body. With every turn there is a new evil that I am just now realizing I committed. One thing I do now is that I don’t give up on fights. I’ve picked a fight with HYDRA and i’ll be damned if I let them win, by staying this monster they created. Y/N was right this was my second chance at something else. I was going to make sure this time things worked out for me. 

She laughed. I smiled. Things were simple in this moment. They were simple in a way they haven’t been for a long time. She was Y/N and I was Bucky. She seemed happy, and for the first time in a while I felt like I could be too. Maybe I could be me again. A rougher, tougher version, but me nonetheless. But man, Looking at her right now, I don’t feel so empty. She makes the emptiness less.