so this looks yuck :(

The Joker x Reader - “13 Hints The Joker Wants a Baby”


1.   He buys you a dog in order to assess your maternal instincts.

“Go away, I’m not in the mood!” you chase the pup away when it tries to play with you.

My God, she has amazing skills; motherhood will fit her like a glove ! your boyfriend thinks, totally and utterly charmed with your caring abilities.

2.   The Joker gets a small indoor plant as a gift to see how you do with it.

You don’t like to take care of anything so it dies in 4 days.

Wow, the plant survived for a while ! My Princess will be a stellar mom! Her nurturing capabilities are beyond average!!! he admits to himself, feeling such pride his heart is about to burst with delight.

3.   J orders Frost to bring his baby over to the Penthouse and watches your reaction.

You hold the little boy for about 20 seconds before passing him back to his dad:

“Ugghh, no thank you.”

I’ll be damned, she’s a natural ! Great instincts ! She’s not my Queen for nothing! he hums, completely smitten with your motherly affection.

4.   The Joker slowly drives by playgrounds to see if it will awake the mom in you again.

“I hate kids!” you grumble, frowning when you hear the screaming offsprinsgs playing and running around.

My Doll is perfect! She already knows exactly what to say and what to do. Incredible! the green haired pest reckons with a huge grin, not even paying attention to driving. Almost crushes the car into a school bus.

“Move it faster!” he gets pissed. “Why does everyone have to wait on these useless children?!”

J has marvelous parenting skills also.

You are more than exhilarated noticing how doting and considerate he seems:
“Right babe?”

“Right!” he growls, honking like crazy.

5.   J sees mating signs when there are none.

You barely finished your morning routine, didn’t even comb your hair yet and crawl in the kitchen for coffee wearing an oversized sweater that looks like a garbage bag.

“Why are you teasing me, hm?” he purrs, sipping on his mocca.

“Huh?” you rub your eyes, still out of it.

“Com’ere, Y/N, ” he gestures with his finger.

“For what?” you yawn, but comply.

“Fun times!” he smirks and you take your sweater off, tired as hell.

“I guess so…” you scratch your arm and straddle his lap, half asleep.

She’s so energetic and enthusiastic, The King of Gotham reckons. My Pumpkin will win the “Mother of The Year” award when the time comes.

6.   He feels the need to share on his idea with important people in his life.

The list is short.

J lights up a Batsy signal and leaves a note for him:

“I’m going to be a dad before you. I win again. HA!HA!HA!HA! HA!HA!HA!HA!”

Great! Exactly what this town needs: a Clown baby, Bruce sighs, cringing at the idea of you two being parents. I bet you anything the lunatics will ask me to babysit.

Batsy is correct: The Joker already typed a schedule on his laptop.

7.   He leaves you encrypted messages on the fridge.

J keeps on rearranging the letter magnets every day:

“Me and you equals 3”, “ one for now– more later,” “ one plus one plus one plus one,”Y/N plus J doesn’t equal two.”

For a genius, he can’t even count, you smile, blissfully unaware on his plans. Why would he tell you anyway? Things are better when they’re complicated.

8.   The Joker makes sure you go to a baby shower.

Panda’s wife is pregnant. Lots of other pregnant women around, all complaining about the hardships their bodies are going through.

You just watch and listen.

“Suckers, they did that to themselves,” you whisper to your boyfriend, snickering. “Who needs kids anyway?! They’re loud, they stink and they cry all the time.”

You boyfriend gets overwhelmed with your answer.

She’s remarkable! My Doll will be such a phenomenal mom! She is basically begging me to get her pregnant at this point, J concludes, thrilled to see how well you’re doing with his little tests.

9.   He reads stuff on Google.
Apparently, some couples get pregnant right away when they try for a baby, some try for months, even years.

Months? Years?! he huffs. Unheard off! That’s for commoners and peasants, we’re royalty; I can knock her up by the end of the week, J arrogantly concludes since he has a very good opinion about his expertise in the field.

Oh, there you are dragging your feet, wearing that huge sweater again and looking like crap first thing in the morning.

“You like to tease me, hm?” The Joker licks his lips, aroused.

“What?” you pout with only one eye opened.

“Com’ere,” he commands and you obey, taking your garment off and straddling his lap, almost falling asleep on his shoulder.

This impressive maternal aura she has, J thinks. My Princess will be able to keep up with that baby like it’s nothing: her stamina and focus are off the charts!

10.   He feels up the bedroom next to the master bedroom with toys and teddy bears.

“What do we need this for?!” you sulk, upset he’s such a hoarder.

“You never know when we’ll need it,” The Joker winks and you’re suspicious.

“I’m not going to another baby shower, if that’s what you’re implying! Seeing pregnant women depressed me, they looked so miserable. Yuck, just the thought of having a kid keeps me up at night,” you shiver with anxiety.

I was correct, he joyfully figures out. She is so impatient to have a baby!

11.   J shows you baby pictures on his cellphone.

“Which one do you think it’s cuter, Kitten?”

“NONE!” you bitterly reply and once more, he is astonished.

Definitely got a winning lottery ticket with my woman, The Clown Prince of Crime firmly believes. She’s so affectionate and altruistic!

12.   He takes you on a robbery at…a baby store.

“What the hell are we doing here, J ?!” you get frustrated since this is a waste of time.

“We need supplies,” his short reply and the grin make you skeptical.

“I already told you I’m not going to another baby shower ! Just look at all this nonsense, completely useless and irritating!” your tirade makes his heart stop.

My Y/N is a certified overachiever! The Joker flashes his silver smile at you, stashing everything he can get his hands on in huge duffle bags for his men to carry out. Our kid will be so spoiled and pampered; certainly winning “Mother of The Year” award when the time comes. No doubt about it !

13.  The Joker takes the day off when you tell him you’re pregnant.

Not that he has to since he doesn’t have a real job…

But he’s over the moon and you are very grouchy, unhappy with the news.

The dog comes over to play and J is fast to snap and chase it away:

“Get lost, mutt !! I don’t have time for this now!!”

Waahhh, you hold your breath, enchanted. At least he will have spectacular parenting skills. Shit, he might even win “The Father of the Year” award!


anonymous asked:

why are kangaroos so ripped

I got your first few asks; like, don’t worry. I’m hearing you loud and clear, and I’m just as scared as you are, but I simply do not know why kangaroos are so buffnasty and horrible to look at.

I’ve described them in the past as looking like “human men who made a bad deal with a genie to become perfect killing machines”, or “people who got botched plastic surgery to become their fursona”, or “trainers from the weight lifting room in hell”, but I’ve yet to discover just why that is.

They’re just real bad to look at, anon. Real bad. Sometimes I get so yucked out that I think god may have put those kicky little upright monster deer here to upset me specifically.

Also, are you the kid sending me death threats? Did you send me death threats because I didn’t answer your kangaroo question? I mean, no worries. I understand that when you’re in a compromised emotional state, you say and do things you don’t mean, and having to know that kangaroos are out there just… looking that way… certainly messes up my delicate emotional ecosystem somethin’ fierce. But death threats? Come on, man. I’m already out here sending myself death threats. That job is taken.

From the new BPMagazine. Sorry for cutting off their heads at the top.

Mahiro: I’m working on my feelings.
Mitsuki: My heart is so far from the others.
Kujou: I’m… a sleepy guy.
Hiyori: My stomach is so cold… brrr.
Junji: I’m the only one looking at the camera!! (lol)

Kujou: I’m going to hang myself! I’m gonna do it now! Anyone…!? Mr. Kujou’s gonna diiee! I’m really gonna diee! Someone…!?

Mahiro: My posture looks so modest.
Mitsuki: I want to gather in darkness.
Kujou: Yuck, I don’t wanna live here.
Junji: We’re all crowding Mahiro! (lol) I’m going to start the meeting now.

Mahiro: “Don’t look. -Mahiro.”

Mitsuki: I’m either Liu Bei or a new emperor.
Hiyori: This guy here looks like he’s trying to be a Chinese emperor…

Mitsuki: My right arm is freezing…

Junji: I’m all tied up. It was really hard to play like this.

Junji: I shall grant you three wishes! What’s that? You’d like money? Hmm… Nope!!!! lol

Hiyori is now a stray Hiyori, looking for a new home.

Mahiro: I’m being held for ransom.
Mitsuki: In my tenth year, I’ve gained the ability to control fire.
Hiyori: This is just a Mitsuki shot. Go Mikkun~

Mitsuki: I’m being tied at the waist now.

Mahiro: We’re playing “sold into slavery.”
Kujou: We were both sold…

Kujou: Why is it Mr. Kujou is always the only one being put in positions like this!!!

Mahiro: Hey! Tighter! Come back here and tie me up tighter.

Kujou: Ain’t I strong? I’m so strong. Look, look!

Mahiro: Hey, tie me tighter.
Kujou: Hiyorin… how do I look? Does Mr. Kujou look nice?
Hiyori: I mean, I guess, but I’m not really into bondage.

Mahiro: HEY. WHERE AM I?
Mitsuki: I feel like a statue or mannequin.
Kujou: It’s curtains for you, asshole (Mahiro)…
Hiyori: The ropes are cutting into me and it hurts.
Junji: Ah, it’s too bad that it’s raining today…


Zain & Aaliya - Parallels - The famous backing you into the wall scene