so this is what i did during eurovision

17. PORTUGAL

Salvador Sobral - “Amar Pelos Dois”
Winner

Oh snap! “How dare you boot Salvador this early, you monster!!” um i think he’s just fine, chill out?

I used to be fully on board the Salvador Speedboat, but sadly, he tarnished himself in my eyes by delivering one of the most self-serving, pompous winner speeches ever. “MUSIC ISN’T FIREWORKS, MUSIC IS EMOTION, THIS IS A VICTORY FOR ALL MUSIC” is a pretty rich statement coming from someone who was a blatant camera-mugger,

a provocateur pur sang,

and just in general took the mickey at this contest;

Like, all of the above moments are AWESOME but please do not insult our intelligence by pretending as if these didn’t definitely, DEFINITELY aid you in achieving that landslide win. Yes, Salvador, TELL us more about how you saved the face of Real Music [citation needed] or invented jazz, BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T YOU BLOWHARD TWAT :@

(but thanks for calling out the Demys and Robsaiahs anyway because god was it necessary).

Fortunately though, in spite of all the self-righteous hypocrisy, i’m mostly here for Salvador’s journey as it truly fascinates me.  Yeah, sure, I just YELLED at the man but I actually respect his role as enfant terrible quite a bit and even if you dislike “Amar Pelos Dois”, I feel like you should too.

How DOES one transform a hipster, extremely non-conformist entry such as “Amar Pelos Dois” into the most universally beloved Eurovision song of this decade exactly?

Well, children, it’s time to delve DEEPLY into how this contest truly fuctions and how Portugal managed to exploit one of the biggest, but most overlooked Eurovision loopholes.

I hope you’re ready because this write-up will be LONG.

To truly understand why Salvador won, we must first understand what he represents. Ask any casual eurofan what they think of Salvador and chances are they’re going to answer with finding him “genuine and heartfelt” if they’re a fan and “a con artist” if they’re not. Both ideas seem mutually exclusive but are in fact the two halves of the whole. The Yin and the Yang, if you will.

You see, Salvador’s entire mantra was indeed that he was “genuine” and free of all the frolics the other entries dabbled in. His act was just the song, bare and plain. By presenting “Amar Pelos Dois” intimately and keeping the tics to a minimum, Salvador managed to cast a mind-controlling spell over all of Europe, dismantling the language barrier and taking it home for Portugal.

The lusophone liberator

There is however a strong element of crafty subterfuge involved and no, I’m not talking about the tics. Salvador is a jazz singer and Jazz singers are weird by default; they have honky voices (evidenced by other ESC alumni who sang jazz in their early musical carreers, such as Jamala and Jana Burceska) and often improvize. Jazz Improv is virtually unheard of in our Eurovision bubble, but it’s a common performance method within the jazz circuit. This is why Salvador mimes, switches his voice’s pitch around, plays an air violin. It’s all part of the heat of the moment. There’s nothing overtly fake about this at all.

HOWEVER, by deliberately presenting yourself as guileless and then using seemingly gimmickless emotion AS YOUR MAIN STRATAGEM… that, my friends, is an A+ example of artifice. Salvador is not phony in SPITE of the emotion, but BECAUSE of it.

Naturally, this exploits a huge flaw within the system and not the one about “fastfood & borrowed music” (though that one should be addressed too imo). Why did “Amar Pelos Dois” win? Because of the song? Paradoxically, I don’t think the song itself  ever mattered. “Amar Pelos Dois” didn’t win because of *what* it is, but because of what it *is*.

In other words, Eurovision is evolving into something bigger than just a song contest. Songs aren’t by themselves winning anymore, despite Salvador’s victory signalling otherwise..Instead, concepts win and the country which executes an attractive concept the BEST during those three minutes, takes it home.

Ergo, “Real Music” won  in Eurovision 2017 but not in the way Salvador claims it did. He won because he successfully MARKETED his song as “real music” so everyone believed him and voted for him, juror and televoter alike.

What about other years? If we count back to the past three years, did ANY of Conchita, Mans or Jamala win because of their song… or because of what their songs represented at the time?

This may sound bleak, but I actually don’t think it’s bad. It means that yes, a bad song could theoretically win for what it represents. However, in practice we find that a good performance IS key because without one you can’t ever sell it properly.  All of this actually makes me love “Amar Pelos Dois” more than I normally would have because this is the VERY first time I felt a country acknowledges this tactic and deliberately uses it to win. and It’s Portugal, OF ALL COUNTRIES.

I love how a bullied, unfairly maligned country like Portugal managed to troll all of Europe without them realizing it. <3

I love how Salvador spent every day in Kyiv mocking the SHIT out of the contest and was rewarded for it <3

I love how they -through sheer lack of gimmicks- managed to produce the gimmickest winner this contest has ever seen. <3

I love how they produced the biggest blowout winner this contest has seen since the early 80s. <3

I also love the woman, the legend, the CHIN that is Salvador’s sister Luisa, who owns one of my fave singing voices this year and got to share the limelight with Salvador during the winner’s reprisal, as she very much deserved!!

Finally, I love how this year has ended as a huge Portugese middlefinger against Europe for screwing them over for years and years and motherfucking YEARS and then managed to figure out the EXACT way to circumvent the language barrier and slay all opposition. It truly and finally establishes that any country is capable of winning. See you in Bern or Vilnius next year! (jk, it’ll probably be Saint Petersburg if the Only Returnees Win pattern keeps up. SAVE US, BOSNIA!!!)

Decade rank: 105/324



THE 2017 RANKING SO FAR:

-ADORE-
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.

-LOVE-
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.

-LIKE-
16.
17. Portugal (105/324)
18. Croatia (115/324)
19. Austria (119/324)
20. France (138/324)
21. Poland (154/324)
22. Armenia (158/324)
23. Romania (164/324)

-OKAY-
24. Iceland (174/324)
25. Ukraine (190/324)
26. San Marino (203/324)
27. Albania (217/324)
28. Denmark (228/324)
29. Spain (237/324)
30. Cyprus (240/324)

-DISLIKE-
31. Germany (258/324)
32. Montenegro (263/324)
33. Sweden (270/324)
34. Serbia (275/324)
35. Australia (280/324)
36. Switzerland (286/324)
37. Czech Republic (288/324)
38. Malta (291/324)

-HATE-
39. Georgia (301/324)
40. Greece (303/324)
41. Slovenia (307/324)
42. Ireland (312/324)

golden-sunshine-cosplay  asked:

What is wrong with australia? im for the usa so i dont understand....

it’s EUROvision, a contest from EUROPE which has existed for 61 years now

two years ago australia had an interval act during the final, then last year they actually got to participate, which was all very fun to me

but - they told us that if australia didn’t win last year they wouldn’t get to participate again - and they didn’t win - but this year they did participate again???? no one understands

and they almost won this year too. only europe can lose eurovision to a non-european country lmao

no one hates australia or australian people we just don’t want them to win so no hard feelings there

extrajordinary  asked:

hello! i found you in the douwe bob tag and would love to hear about his concert you went to! and how he called you baby! love from a sad australian who can't see him haha

hi! i hope you’re ready for a long story because i am absolute douwe bob trash and i need to talk about him a lot. (i’m actually so much trash that i’m in a douwe bob trash group chat). and don’t worry, sad australian, maybe you will see him one day!!

so, the day before yesterday, douwe announced that he would give a spontaneous concert in a small record store in amsterdam. obviously, i had to go because 1) i am douwe trash and 2) i live in amsterdam so it was very easy for me to go. the concert started at 2 pm and me and my friend arrived at like 1 pm because we wanted to be in front (as one would like to be when they are seeing douwe). so suddenly, it was only 1 pm, i heard a sound that i had never heard before in my life, so amazing and beautiful i thought my soul would leave my body. but there he was, douwe bob, already in the record store because he was gonna soundcheck, and i was sitting there with like 6 other people?? jfc im weak. so he was like walking up to the stage and he was just like: hey guys, is it cool if i’m gonna soundcheck for a bit? LIKE OBVIOUSLY IT IS. oh my god he looked so good, keep in mind that this is the first time i ever saw him in real life and that he was wearing a low shirt and i was one meter away from his ungodly neck tattoo. jfc. so he soundchecked for a bit and then left again with a wave and a ‘see you in 45 minutes!’ and i was just sitting there like: wtf just happened. but at the same time, it all felt very casual you know, so that was really nice. jfc i’ve only done the soundcheck bit and that was 15 minutes i’m so sorry about what’s still to come.

SO at 2 pm the actual concert started and keep in mind that it was really hot in the store because there were lots of people and it was pretty hot outside. my son douwe arrived and got on stage and the first thing he said was: ‘are you guys drunk yet???i know i am.’ and then he laughed and i died. he started the concert with History, which is awesome because it’s one of my fav songs from Fool Bar so i felt very blessed. let me tell you, he is even better live than on his album, i didn’t know it was possible but it is. so after history, he asked the audience what song they wanted to hear, and he got a few requests, and he was like: ‘alright, now i’m gonna play a song that nobody asked for’ what a little shit. i love him. so he played Cynic, which i wasn’t complaining about at all because that’s one of my faves as well. reminder that it was really hot in there, so douwe was like: ‘guys, i’m gonna play one more song and then we are moving outside because i’m dying in here.’ so he was about to play Take It Off, and before he started, he was like: ‘we can also just all undress, that would match the song as well. but only if you’re 18 or older.’ ah yes my baby is so good. so he played Take It Off, which was awesome as well, and then he was like: ‘okay guys, now let’s all go outside because i’m dying and i’m sure you are too!’. this was, of course, an awesome idea, but i was standing in front which meant that i had to wait until everyone was moving. remember who was also in the back of the store, very close to me?? that’s right, douwe bob.

so we were walking outside (very slowly because it was super busy and no one was moving) , and i told my friend, who was walking next to me: ‘dude, i just lost 10 kilos standing there’ and i expected my friend to reply, but he didn’t, because someone else did. now you can already guess who someone else was, and you are correct: IT WAS DOUWE WHo was apparently walking behind us, also stuck in the huge group of people. he overheard me and he was like: ‘yeah, me too, it’s insanely hot here. but i could use losing some weight.’ and i was shocked for two reasons. 1) douwe initiated a conversation with me and 2) have you seen him???? he doesn’t need to lose weight. so i told him: ‘no man, you look great, you don’t need to lose weight’ and he laughed and i died and then he had to push his way through the people because he had to get outside and perform somehow. so my son went outside and he literally climbed on a container. (i was a bit more behind here because all the people in the back of the store were outside more easily obviously but hey)

then douwe proceeded to play Slow Down and i felt my soul leaving my body because whoa he is so cute and beautiful and talented and dhufgyuad. during the song, he did the infamous 10 seconds of silence, but some people already continued singing and he was like: ‘what the fuc guys?? haven’t you seen eurovision?’ and he looked so offended i’m laughing again just thinking about it. so then he said the also infamous: ‘i love you too baby’ and i just aidfhs he is so cu te. SO then unfortunately the concert was already over bc like i said it was very small (did i say that?) BUT not to worry because much more awesome things were still to happen and meanwhile i’m getting seriously worried about this reply’s length. 

THE concert might have been over, but douwe is perfect so he went back inside so he could sign things and meet people and all that. i was still pretty close to the store, so i was one of the first to get something signed which was AWESOME. i told him how much i loved the concert and he laughed and was like: ‘i’m glad you liked it. i especially liked it when we went outside because i was dying’ and i was like: ‘yeah man, i felt the same.’ and we just talked a bit and he took my phone and we took a selfie (HE TOUCHED MY PHONE HE TOOK THE SELFI E). i walked away, dazed and happy and satisfied with everything that had happened. BUT NO, SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAD HAPPENED. MY SELFIE WITH HIM WAS BLURRY. I FELT ALL FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS CRASHING DOWN ON ME. i mean, i’m not a dick so i wasn’t going back in line and ask for another one, and i met him and we talked so i was like: it’s fine it’s cool i’m seeing him again in 2 months i can live with this. so i walked outside and my friend was like: ‘ no bente you have to ask him for another picture together’ but im not a dick???? still, something inside me told me to wait and when he was done with autographs, he walked outside and i just (how did i get the courage) i walked up to him and i was like: ‘hey douwe, can we please take a quick picture because my other one was blurred?’ and he was like (HERE IT COMES THE MOMENT WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR): ‘ah baby (BABY), i’m so sorry but i have to go’ so like, i already had my picture and i was like: ‘ooh no don’t worry it’s fine,’ and before i could even finish he just looked around and was like: ‘you know what, fuck it, let’s take a picture,’ AND I WAS NOT PREPARED AND I STILL HAD TO TURN ON MY CAMERA but it was okay because douwe took my phone (again) and we took two more pics and tHEY WERENT BLURRED and i was like: ‘thank you so much! have a safe trip home’ and he was like: ‘no problem and thanks! see you around’ SEE ME AROUND? WHEN ????/? and then he left and i was left standing there with two incredible thoughts: 1) i was the last person he took a selfie with #honored and 2) HE HAD CALLED ME BABY. BABY . MY CELEBRITY CRUSH CALLED ME BABY.

and that concludes the story of one of the best days ever aka the day that i met douwe bob and he initiated a conversation with me and he called me baby. and i was eye to eye with the neck tattoo. 

here are the selfies if you’re interested (also if you’re not interested):

the blurred one rip 

the one after he called me baby

AND MY FAVORITE SELFIE

i’m sorry about the length i hope you enjoyed my adventures!