so stupid i cry

  • me 5 years ago: fuck yeah punk rock
  • me 2 years ago: well some of the songs on the radio are not that bad it won't hurt my perfectly crafted music taste if i listen to some of them once in a lifetime
  • me now, listening and dancing to the penetrators song: i am not even trying anymore

trying to explain my mental illness to someone i love is so exhausting and just makes me feel even fucking stupider and worthless bc when it comes out of my mouth in words it sounds so fucking stupid like lmao yes i am crying for literally no reason like i tried to explain it like i have a song stuck in my head and its a really shitty song and i hate it but i realize ive been singing it in my head and i go FUCK i hate that song i wish i would get out of my head but then 2 mins later im subconciously singing it again. but instead of a song its my brain telling me that im going to fucking ruin everything i love and that im going to lose everything and that nothing matters and that i should die and w/e idk i just realized im slipping back into the rising and falling waves of wild euphoria and deep depression and since ive had therapy before i can recognize when its happening… but it still doesnt really help. it kind of makes it worse knowing that its happening honestly. especially when im living with someone who is basically in the same boat as me. its a constant state of worry and exhaustion and lonliness and anger and all i can do is wait until this stage is over and the euphoria comes back. its like a brain PMS. sorry to vent so much lately i just feel really alone and i also hate life so. ill be fine i just needed to type it out to someone. thanks for reading

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.