so pretty my baby


I held the past and the future in my hands
and once again
the world forced me to choose
one or the other.

(And then again and again,
like an eternal loop with glitched songs)

I want to hold my breath
and live in the now,
but my lungs are filled
with butterflies and specks and dusts
which leaves no room
for presents of any kind.

“You paint tomorrow with the regrets of yesterday”
a note from ancient ago told me,
in tiny, scratched letters.

I refuse to believe
that there’s no room for new mistakes,
I refuse to believe
that these threads are all
what I have left to hang on to.

I hold the past and the future in my hands
and this time,
I’m not letting go.

A childish choice

(Save your lectures for the next round around)

It’s time to change the record playing

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.