so please dont steal it and basically claim it as your own

tatletaletales  asked:

If you don't mind me asking - what exactly is going on in France right now with the election? My french is very standard school french so I have a hard time reading all of your posts (still good practice) or french newspapers, the newspapers here don't really report anything on the topic, outside of the most basic stuff, and you seem to have opinions / a lot of sarcasm to share. If you don't mind typing it up in english that is. Sorry to inconvenience you :/

Haha don’t worry, it’s no bother !

To sum it up, the french elections are next sunday (I think ? not the one that comes, the one after) and it’s a M E S S

The current president (François Hollande, Socialist Party) will leave after 5… very hectic years, I guess. i mean, he tried I think ? But the conclusion is here: unemployment is high as fuck, the poorest households are poorer and poorer, and the richest ones are richer and richer.


As for the candidates as France’s Next Top Model, reality TV couldn’t have found a better cast if they tried: they’re 11, they’re full of ideas, they’re full of salt, they’re not above biting each other to blood. 6 of them are considered “small” candidates, as they barely have any screentime and room to expose their ideas (they only have been invited at the second debate, the one with every candidate, because people complained the first debate was only with the “Big Five”, and suddenly I feel like it’s the Eurovision), those 5 are “big” candidates (read: likely to go to te final face-to-face two weeks after the first round)

I say the candidates should gain the mantle by fighting in the mud (blades authorised, no guns), the constitution says they shall be elected, and for some reason the majority of the people here seem to think the boring solution is the best. Too bad, I think the candidates are so full of anger that they’d rather fight in the mud also. 


 Anyway, to sum up the candidates (random order) 

- Hamon : big candidate, he looks like a hobbit and represents the Socialist Party. TBQH I didn’t follow what happened in his party but apparently not everyone is after him ? The problem is that, after 5 years of Hollande, the party is quite weak so.

- Lassalle : small candidate, from what i got he’s a farmer ??? from a tiny village in the mountains ???? he’s the mayor there ???? and he played rugby for years like his nose is all broken and he speaks lie a rugby player. On the center I think ??

- Arthaud : she’s a teacher (of economy I think ?), member of the Lutte Ouvrière, a trotskist union. She is SAVAGE, she is ANGRY, elle est là pour NIQUER DES MERES. Small candidate 

- Cheminade : he wants to colonise the moon and owns a collection of 18 000 euros  of precolombian and prehistorical artifacts. You’d think that with such ideas he’s a big candidate, but no. i think he’s on the right

- Le Pen : sadly huge. you see the KKK ? well, with no hood so we can all see her dirty face and get her dirty spit from her dirty mouth and her dirty ideas on our faces. also steals money. “i understand your suffering” she says to the poorest people of france, while napping in her family’s castle

- Mélenchon : big candidate. how do i even begin to explain jean-luc mélenchon ? very savage too, he’s the number one of the youtube game. he has a manga about him and a video game. On the very very very left but nooooot extreme left, ya feel ? 

- Macron : he’s a fucking banker some people want to vote for him because they find him sexy (allosexuals need to STOP) he has no ideas no program, “yo i’m not the left i’m not the right” yeah shut up man but man how can you have so little dignity that you can say to both Mélenchon and Le Pen in the same breath “I agree with you” ???????? big candidate i dont get it

- Asselineau : small. wants the frexit. Exists I guess

- Fillon: right-right. big. So stupid i actually believe he’s three squirrels that are trapped inside a corpse. he needs to give back the money he stole, by giving fake jobs to the members of his family. Lately he said something like “it’s so hard to spare money, how you do it”. you win like, 200k a year you shitbag. never open your mouth ever again.

- Poutou : he’s a factory worker and he has no chill, and eats spoonfuls of both sugar and salt every morning. He knows he doesn’t have any chance to win, but he takes every occasion he has to remind the others that the people they claim to represent actually exists and wants to have a voice, too. 


i counted 10 and there’s one i forgot but who ????? sorry i guess dude ????

there was a debate with the eleven of them the other day and. Idk if you’ve already watched reality tv with like, people getting angry and snatching wigs over butter forgotten on the counter or toothpaste not cleaned in the sink ? it was that but to determine who will have the nuclear codes of the country 

idk what to add, fee free to ask and i’ll probably answer after a good night of sleep because im exhausted

RuFlections Episode 1-11:

RuFlections Episode 1: My name is Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, I was born in Soveit Union. I am Prostitute. But I have dreams, I’ve always had dreams, loud, sweaty dreams where I’m covered in caviar, screaming into my vagina. I came to the United States in the late 90’s where every girl in Europe was wearing platform sneakers. I wanted to be a star. In Soviet Russia no one expects to be happy, but I am not no one in fact I am someone and at the very least I expect to be without pain. Today I make love to Hollywood everything here is a dream, RuPaul asked me to get naked, it was a good first date, in Russia we always get naked for the Economy. All roads lead to Destruction, Paradise, Pain and Sorrow. Please, join me on my journey, subscribe to my channel… RuFlections Episode 2: My name is Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova but you can call me Katya. If you are reading this I am probably dead. In Russia, death and sex are the same. Cold, wet, dark and painful. In my dreams, fear is symbolised by the snake, and the Salamander represents doubt. In times of hardship these two reptiles slither their way into my orifices creating a diabolically debilitating double-penetration which causes the vision and judgement to be clouded by thick poisonous fog of vaginal discharge. Breakfast foods, wrong perceptions, rodent genitalia, Siamese diarhea. Today RuPaul demanded my life, she toys with my heart like a blind hill-Billy strumming a rusty banjo. Fingers blackened with soot, face twisted into a disapproving grimace, teeth brown, like wooden chiclets.
“But I don’t want to wear a diaper.” If I cannot please her with my mouth, I will find other ways. Many lovers have tested me but I am happiest when digging my own grave… RuFlections Episode 3: My name is Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova I am a complex female character. I live my days like a caged wolf in heat, I am sweaty. Why do I sneak into your house and record myself sitting quietly outside your bathroom door listenting to you take a shower? Am I dissatisfied with maudlin theatricality of my surroundings? These questions underscore the confusion I feel when I am unable to reach orgasm. The bearded lady is the only one who can bring me to ecstasy. Her face pelt tickles my clam.
I laugh, and then pee a little. In Russia the beavers arrive retched and rotten but here they are fresh, thick, oily. Don’t you agree? Our embarrassing blunders are the stretch marks on the swollen pregnant belly of life. Sure, they are disgusting, but as a very fat woman once told me “you have the skin of a white pleather bag on clearance at marshals.” That woman is you, that woman is me…Hi I’m Babraham Lincoln, private investigator, do you have any crimes that need investigating..? RuFlections Episode 4: My name is Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, I am physically attractive. Every morning is a battle, I wake up with the sun on my face but I can’t see because my eyes are closed. Do you like my naked body? We were once strangers but now we share the same parking space. Time is ugly. My skin is no longer a size 0. I feel Meat where there was once fruit. In Russia the sun is smaller so we ask the children “how did you get so tan?” Listen closely and they will reply “you’re heart is not big enough for our sympathy.” As I scrub away the pain and filth of each day my feeling cling to the shower drain and I am fluid sexuality… RuFlections Episode 5:
My name is Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, I’m a lonely teenage girl. Dear Diary, today in class I was voted most likely to die an early death, I think I’m finally starting to fit in! My class mates all think I’m a drug dealer, well they’re probably just jealous because my dads a dentist. At soccer practise today, Coach replaced the ball with a severed head but he can’t fool me, I wasn’t born yesterday, I’m from the future. When I spread my legs the boys all hear the howling wind of uncertainty, is that why I still have no date to the prom? If a tree falls in the Forrest and no one is there to touch me, does my vagina make a sound? In Russia life is like a prison, in America school is prison. But Taxidermy is not a four letter word. My tuck is dense, meaty, colourful like a Bob Ross painting. I am not a happy little tree, I’m a ceramic jug filled with piss. Well I have to go now, talk to you later, bye bye… RuFlections Epusode 6: My name is Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, but you can call me Ishmael. Today I found my dick. I have been wandering the backlot of this Hollywood studio for weeks, there’s not even a proper dumpster to sleep in. In the beginning there were 14 of us, but I had to kill 8, Kathy wouldn’t keep our mouth shut, and Katie, well we all know how Katie is. Supplies are running low, we will soon eat each other. I look forward to their homeopathic flesh in my mouth. So much has changed. When we arrived i was a selfish vendictive alcoholic drug addict kleptomaniac prostitute but now, I don’t steal anymore. When is was 15 my publicist Diane drowned herself in a telephone booth, communication was never her strong suit. I must not let the others know that we are lost. I have been to target and I still haven’t found what I am looking for. I claim this treasure for Mother Russia and then I abandon it like a masculine bowl of soup. Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent. What do these qualities have in common? I don’t know. I’m not a scientist… RuFlections Episode 7: My name is Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, I am a complete financial success. Without dirty thoughts, there are only dirty dishes. I do not clean, I conceal, and then I come to find dishonesty has traveled up and down my thighs. They say friends and money don’t mix but what if my friends are all paper mache Piñatas made out of one dollar bills. If I make $6 and hour and I work 55 hours a week can I really afford to have my spine removed? A new body, a new bank account, a new baby. 15 minutes is all it takes. How long will it take you? Really? no that is too long you are not doing it right.
Opulence, Decadence, Impotence, Eloquence, Dissonance, Fraudulence. In Russia, money power and wealth are the keys to experiencing the full depth and breadth of Lesbianism. In America, talk is cheap. In Colombia, talk is Spanish. The way to a mans heart is down his throat. I find that it is best to use the whole cow. If you have a minute you have 60 seconds, why not spend them all? Time is the key to door of happiness which is conveniently rotting in your neighbours backyard… RuFlections Episode 8: My name is Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, and my name is also Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, we tell on each other. Mom wanted a glass of wine but instead she got us. A thank you would be nice. Children should be large not small. Shhhhhhhh. In Russia we can do whatever we want but I will never be old enough to work at the sunglass hut. Nature versus nurture or Spay versus Neuter we couldn’t care less, in the pretty one. I’m dangerous to myself and others. I’m the one with a plastic bag of blood stapled to by thigh. My life is a dark room, filled with piglets. I want a boyfriend who wears his skin nice and loose like a cape. Unconditional love should not be wasted on the ungrateful. But sometimes grattitude is a total waste of time, we want you to like us but we will never like you… RuFlections Episode 9: My name is Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, I take breathing very seriously, my last boyfriend was too fat to go spelunking in my pelvic cave, or maybe he did and just got stuck? huh. Now I am eating for two, the body has become more efficient, my needs are his needs. Suck in the lower belly, broaden the shoulders, hinge at the hips, straighten your teeth, flex your gums. Massage your bowel, Subscribe to my channel, connect to your core.
Arsen and ambition are basically the same word. I am a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, covered in spandex. In Russia, Santa Claus is a dyke! As you inhale, breath in possibility. As you exhale, tell me your social security number. Occult spirituality is the key to managing pre-menstrual discomfort. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder if my vagina has a hidden agenda. I am a paragon of erotic spirituality. I touch myself so you don’t have to… RuFlections Episode 10: My name is Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, I am my own worst enema. I do not jump for joy, I frolic in doubt. Dancing is a religious activity, god wouldn’t have given you maracas if he didn’t want you to shake them. I dont practise magic, I gather it. Strength, Stamina and Agility. Are the keys to dominating my dungeon. Do you here the sound of my vagina brush scrawling your name in blood on the bathroom floor?
[In place of a Dark Lord, you would have a Queen! Not dark, but beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Treacherous as the sea! Stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me, and despair] A babbling brook tells many secrets, but they are all unintelligible. The hunter has become the hunted and the Hunty has become the cunted? Which one is the real me? Reality is a bunch of bullshit. Why try new things when I can try nothing? In Russia, I’m a lot of fun. In America, I have no confidence. I wear my heart on my sleeve and limbs in my underpants. Your penis is like the prince in the fairy tale, but my vagina is a Ken Burns mini-series… RuFlections Episode 11: My name is Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, I am loser. I had a little too much I scream and now my body hurts, I feel bad but I’ll be alright, today I received a letter. “Dear Katya, we RuGret to inform you that you will not be this years next drag superstar, please pack your belongings and contemplate the once in a lifetime opportunity that you’ve completely squandered. Please be sure to obsess over every little thing you could’ve done differently, focus on the friends and family that you’ve disappointed, they will never look you in they eyes the same, remember, it’s not just a television show, it’s your identity, we hope you are feeling very sorry for yourself and we wish you the best of luck on your future endeavours. Love, your worst fears, realised.
[In Russian] This is our last toast. I drink to our ruined house. To the pain of my life. To our loneliness together; And to you so raise my glass. To lying lips that have betrayed us. To dead-cold pitiless eyes. To the fact that the world is brutal and coarse. And that god has not saved us.
[In English]
If you need me you know where to find me, seeking validation and self-love in my dumpster…

Originally posted by wide-and-sassy