so not what she wants though

MISTAKES
              – PART II

Kai Parker x Reader
word count
: 4 567
summary: continues the story from part I …
* gif by me
_________________________________________

Kai sat by her bedroom door all night, listening in to what was happening inside. Every time he heard her sob his heart broke all over again and he wanted so desperately to make it right; to wrap his arms around her, comfort her and see her smile… He was willing to do just about anything to make that happen. Though something troubled him very much – what she had said earlier about how he had apologized about everything but the thing she was upset about. As much as he tried to figure it out, the only thing that popped in his mind was linking Elena and Bonnie together, but that didn’t seem right. If it was about her friends, she would’ve told him which meant he had hurt her on a more personal level.

Around 3AM, after he was sure she was asleep, he flicked his wrist and slipped inside her bedroom. He wasn’t sure what he had expected to see inside – maybe broken picture frames or tossed clothes everywhere. What he saw however was completely different. Y/N had curled up on the bed hugging something and even in the darkness he could see her eyes were reddish and puffy. As he took a step towards her, he couldn’t help but smile for a second. His girl was hugging his sweatshirt, holding onto it as if her life depended on it.

A sigh left his lips and he leaned over her, gently brushing his fingers against her cheek. Instantly her heartbeat changed and his lips curled into a smile. “I am so sorry, Y/N. I ruined everything and I will never forgive myself for hurting you like this. But I will make it right. I promise”

_________________________________________

Sunrays seeping through the curtains woke her up. Her eyes slowly fluttered open and for one blissful second she forgot everything that had happened the day before. She forgot how it had taken a second for one of her biggest dreams about her future to come crumbling down; about the tears she had shed, how her heart had been broken and her life had turned upside down in a blink of a eye… and then it all came rushing back, hitting her like a speeding truck. Her heart sank so low it felt as if it had gone through the mattress and the floor all the way to the basement. Her eyes quickly filled with tears but also, she couldn’t help but smile for a second… Because, yes, Kai had majorly screwed up and that hour she had thought he was gone had felt as if someone had thrown her in the deepest pits of Hell… but he was alive. He wasn’t gone. She hadn’t lost him even though she had lost something else and the emptiness in her heart only seemed to grow in that moment.

Y/N pushed off her blanket, not remembering when she had covered herself with it, and sat in her bed. Her feet found their way in her panda slippers while she tucked in Kai’s sweatshirt under her pillow before getting up and pulling a new set of clothes to change in. Not having him with her in the night had been so painful only thing that had helped her calm down and fall asleep had been hugging his shirt. Surely it would’ve been easier to open the door and let him inside because there was no doubt in her mind he had spent the night there. But no. Not until he realises what he had done.

When she opened the door, Kai was standing there just about to knock by the looks of it. His eyes were red and puffy with dark circles under them as if he hadn’t slept at all and she couldn’t help but notice he looked as broken as she felt. For a split second their eyes met she almost jumped into his arms.

   “Morning.” he said quietly, not taking his eyes off hers. “I was just about t-to knock. Can we talk? Please, I need you to listen to me. You always listen to me and try to understand why I’ve done what I’ve done. Plea–”

  “Talk.”

Y/N pushed her way past him and headed down the stairs towards the kitchen with him on her tail. They made their way to the living room and she stopped almost immediately. He had made breakfast or more likely a small feast prepared for her, though the last thing she felt like doing was eating. Y/N wasn’t sure she even wanted to be awake in that moment. Being conscious hurt a lot more than the dream world her sub-conscience had created for her last night. For a second she glanced at him, wiped her runny nose with the back of her hand and without a word sat on the couch and when Kai sat next to her, she scooted away from him. A sigh left his lips and he tried to touch her hand but she pulled away.

   “I got you something.” he pulled out a small paper bag. “Your phone was broken so I got you a new one. And since your memory card was intact, I took the liberty of putting it in.” he passed her the bag but she refused to take it and in the end, he left it on the couch between them. “I shouldn’t have lied to you. I should’ve been honest and tell you I was going to the wedding. That I was planning on using magic to create an illusion spell and trick everyone into thinking I was dead so we can leave. Y/N, you have to know, I never meant to hurt you in any way. I was trying to protect you –”

   “And where did that get you?”

   “Not where I wanted to.” he muttered. Y/N scoffed and started to get up when he gripped her wrist and pulled her back to the couch. “I shouldn’t have let Lilly Salvatore talk me into linking Elena and Bonnie either.”

   “Wait. That’s what happened? It was her idea?”

Kai nodded. “I can’t undo the spell now. My death made it permanent and I know you are upset about it… but somehow, I don’t think that’s the think you are upset with me about. But I am still very sorry.”

   “You are right. It’s not.” she held her voice firm, barely able to keep it from breaking. “Is that it?”

   “I um – there is something else. “ he swallowed hard. “Tyler bit me… and I could’ve died all over again but I um, I can heal myself … siphoning the magic away. I should’ve told you that last night and I am really sorry and wait – where are you going?”

   “College.“ Y/N took a cup with coffee and made her way up the stairs. Secrets… lies… it was all too much for her in that moment and being around him after everything.

   “It’s spring break.” he got up after her. “What would you be doing there now?”

   “Dropping out.” she stopped in the middle before turning towards him. “Kai, when I get here –” she took a short breath, nervously running her fingers through her hair. “—I want you gone. I need some time alone to figure things out and you being here is not helping.”

   “You are breaking up with me?” he climbed up the stairs two at a time until he was standing barely a few inches from her. “But—you love me. You s-said –” he sighed, longing gazing into her eyes. “I don’t understand. Y/N, please, don’t do this. Without you there wouldn’t be a reason for me to go on.”

   “Kai –”

   “I love you. I love you more than you can even imagine. More than I can understand or put into words.” he pleaded. “I’ll do anything just –“

   “I don’t want you here when I come back.” she blinked back tears, trying hard to keep her voice firm. “I need time –”

   “What does that mean?”

Y/N put her hand on his shoulder, rubbing it for a moment before awkwardly pulling away. “It means I need time to think. A day, or a week. I’ll call you. Until then – keep your distance.” she climbed to the top and stopped, glancing at him. “Don’t leave town without me, please.”

   “I won’t.” he called after her. “But you shouldn’t drop out of college. It’s a rash decision. You are upset and you are not thinking clearly –”

   “Stop telling me what to do!” she snapped. “You don’t get a say anymore.”

   “I only want what’s best for you!”

   “Really?” she snapped. “So that’s why you lied and got someone else beheaded to make sure everything is perfect for your illusion spell. Who was that by the way? Another innocent that got hurt in your ‘protecting my girl’ plan?”

    “Who’s to say he didn’t had it coming?” he blurted out without thinking.

Y/N shook her head, placing her hand on her forehead for a moment. “I don’t think you understand how bad you’ve gotten. You are acting like the old you aga –”

   “What do you care!!?!” he snapped back. “You just broke up with me. I am not your problem anymore.”

   “Kai –” she started, watching him walk down the stairs.

Kai grabbed his jacket from the clothes rack and put his hand on the doorknob and took a breath. “I thought you were the one who got me. The only one who truly loved or gave a damn about me, I guess I was wrong. –” he shook his head and opened the door, vanishing from sight a few seconds later.

Y/N sat at the top of the stairs, leaving her coffee cup next to her and dropped her head in her hands. A couple tears escaped her eyes but she didn’t care enough to wipe them away. “But I do love you –” she whispered starring at the open door. “– more than anything.”

TWO WEEKS LATER 

Y/N opened her eyes and pushed the blanket off her head, slipped her feet into her panda slippers and headed downstairs to make herself some coffee and something to eat… not that she was hungry. Her appetite had caught an air plane and went to a happier place the past couple of days. As much as it pained her to admit it – Kai had been right about her dropping out that day. In a way she would’ve done it anyways because leaving with him would’ve meant starting anew… but now she wasn’t sure what was going to happen between her and the man of her dreams nor what she should do. No one ever warned her that falling in love, being in love with someone would be both champagne and rainbows but also hurt like Hell. Like literal Hell. However, spending so many days away from Kai had helped her calm down a little and see things a little clearer. He really was keeping his distance like she had asked him to, which in truth bothered her and made her stomach tie to a nervous knot. Either he was respecting her wishes or… he had left town without her, breaking his promise.

Early morning sun lit up the kitchen when she got downstairs. For a moment she stopped at the door, bracing herself against the door frame. Her eyes fluttered closed and she could almost feel his breath on her neck, how his hands slid around her waist holding her towards him. But she knew it was all in her head, a trick of her imagination to help her cope with pushing away the person she loved the most. Y/N sighed, ran her fingers through her hair and started on the pot with coffee and breakfast whisking while blankly starring at what she was doing. Her thoughts and emotions were running wild and all she wanted was to call him, to hear his voice … to see him and his gorgeous ocean blue eyes she loved getting lost in. But every time she was about to tap the icon with his name on her phone her mind went blank. Every second away from him hurt more than the last, if that was even possible and she wondered if maybe she had made a mistake that night and the morning after. They could’ve left town, dealt with things somewhere else… together, not alone. Instead the heartbreak kept going on and on just like her actions in the kitchen and before she realized it, there was enough food for at least a dozen people prepared – waffles, pancakes and even a batch with cupcakes.

Y/N poured herself a large cup with coffee and leaned against the counter when the doorbell rang. Almost running towards the door, trying hard not to spill her cup, she made her way through the living room feeling a spark of hope that maybe just maybe that was Kai. That he had put the pieces together or had broken to pieces just like her, realising they can’t be apart. Though when the door swung open her hopes died just as fast as they had been born.

   “Caroline? What are you doing here?” she said when her friend tackled her with a hug. “Wow easy. You are spilling my coffee.”

   “Sorry.” smiled her friend apologetically and took a couple of steps inside, heading straight into the living room. That’s when Y/N noticed the dozen paper shopping bags. “You’ve been stuck in this house for two weeks. I came to see how you are – and my guess is hungry which is perfect because you look like a ghost, as if you might dissolve into atoms at any moment. How long haven’t you eaten?”

   “I’m just not hungry.  I’m stressed, broken, wrecked… my future slipped through my fingers.” she paused, glancing out the window. “I might stop at the soup kitchen later. Do some good for others. What’s with the bags?”

   “Damon is really sorry for what he did.”

   “I’m sure he is.” Y/N took a sip of coffee, glancing at Kai’s favorite spot on the comfy chair. “I’m sure Kai is… would be too, if he was here.”

Caroline placed the bags on the couch. “And those are gifts… for you.”

   “And I am not taking a bribe from Damon the self-serving psychopath.” added Y/N.

   “It’s not a bribe. You are starting anew which means new wardrobe, new everything.” said her friend enthusiastically. Caroline pulled out a light blue sundress to show her and sighed watching Y/N’s confused expression, her gaze drifting to the sweatshirt she was wearing which was definitely not hers. “This has to go –”  she took a step towards her.

Y/N held out her hand. “S-stop. Caroline, I don’t need a new wardrobe or new anything. I need… a - a time machine to take me back to the time when I could actually have a family with the person I love, to have his kids and grow old with him. You know, away from this insanity where I don’t have to wake up every morning asking myself ‘is this the day some vampire is going to eat me’.”

   “You can still have a family, kids and grow old with someone.” Caroline reminded her. “There is someone out there waiting for you. And you won’t be heartbroken forever. One day you will wake up and you would’ve moved on without realizing.”

Y/N took a step away from her, sat on the couch and took a sip of her coffee when she felt something warm to hot burn on her chest. Instantly she shot up and glanced at the shirt. “N-no. That was the only thing of him I had left… I –”

Caroline took a step towards her. “Maybe that’s a sign. Maybe –”

   “Caroline –” started Y/N, “I know you are trying to help but… don’t. There are no words, no gifts… absolutely nothing that can make up for what I am going through at the moment. I know what’s best for me and – ” she paused, looking around. “D-did you hear that? Sounded like… Did I leave my bedroom window open?!”

   “No. I didn’t hear a thing.” Caroline walked into the kitchen for a second, popping her head through the door a moment later with a plate with cupcakes in her hands. “May I? Your cupcakes look and taste incredible –”

Y/N glanced out the window. For a moment she thought she saw something or someone moving in the bushes, but as well it might’ve been her neighbour’s cat or a stray dog. “Be my guest.”

_________________________________________

Y/N laid in her bed starring at the ceiling. Another sleepless night because she just refused to fall asleep. Every night nightmares would torment her or more like one themed nightmare that kept playing on repeat and no matter what she tried, there was no way to shake it off. Her eyes closed for a second and flashes of images from different dreams played behind her eyelids – Kai at the wedding, killing himself then Damon killing him while she stood there helpless unable to do anything; Kai’s heart being ripped out right before her eyes. Losing Kai had always been her biggest fear and now with him being gone, things had spun out of control. 

A sigh left her lips and she covered her face with her palms when the sounds of someone banging on the door downstairs reached her through the open bedroom door. Quickly she got up and glanced at the clock – a little after midnight. 

     “Coming.” she rubbed her eyes, tripping over one of the bags Caroline had insisted to leave in her house. “Damn it…” she cursed under her breath, hearing the knocks on the door get more persistent and she ran towards it, unlocking it.

As soon as the door swung open all air got pulled out of her lungs. Barely a step away from her stood Kai. His clothes were semi torn and covered with blood. His skin was so pale it was almost white, sweat drops covered his forehead and on his neck, there was a still bleeding wound with black veins spreading. His hand was braced against the doorframe and when he looked up at her, his lips curled into a faint smile.

   “H-hi –” he said weakly. “C-can I come in?”

    “Yeah, of course.” she stepped aside, catching him just as he was about to fall. “What happened to you?”

Kai glanced at her, meeting her eyes for a second and attempted to smile but instead a painfiled groan left his lips. How was he to tell her that earlier that night every suppressed emotion from the past few days had fought its way back to the surface and he had lashed out at a werewolf pack in the woods on a full moon. They had lashed out back at him and he had just given up fighting back until the alpha had shown up, forcing the others to step down. Laying on the ground starring at the night sky a dozen images of their first date together under the stars by Wickery Bridge popped up into his mind. Y/N’s smile, the way her eyes had sparked; her laugh echoing and her hands hooking around his neck before her lips met with his; how he had pulled her towards him and had tossed her under him on the blanket… He had to tell he how sorry he was, to see her again. One last time before he lets himself die, giving her the chance to move on and be happy. Because that’s all he wanted – for her to be happy, even if that wasn’t with him.

Y/N swung his arm over her shoulders, wound her arm around his waist and helped him over to the couch, quickly running towards the door to close it and pull the curtains. She knelt down next to him and pressed her palm on his forehead. It was almost as if he had a fever but she knew better. Carefully she pulled his shirt up feeling a lump get stuck in her throat. There wasn’t just a bite on his neck –  a couple bullet holes were spread all over his chest including two not too far away from his heart and on his abdomen, there was a large cut from where blood kept finding its way out. Black veins spreading from it meaning the blade must’ve been laced with werewolf toxin. Why hadn’t he siphoned the bite away and healed himself? she wondered.

   “Kai?” she said softly, gently brushing her palm against his cheek. “Hey, open your eyes. I need you to open your eyes okay. Please.”

Weakly his eyes fluttered open and he looked at her with eyes filled with pain, tears and something else she couldn’t quite place in her panicked state. A small smile showed on her face seeing he was conscious and the corners of his mouth twitched too. Purple/black veins flickering under his eyes but she didn’t flinch. Or scream or run away.

   “What happened? Why haven’t you healed?”

   “T-there is no rea-son for me t-to heal.” he said quietly, looking into her eyes.

   “What? Why would you say that? Kai, please. You have to siphon it or you will die.”

   “No.” he shook his head. “I don’t deserve to keep living after everything I did. After everything I took away from you. I can’t forgive myself.”

Kai sat at the bottom of the stairs listening to Caroline talk with Y/N, literally feeling his heart being ripped out of his chest. How hadn’t he realized what he had done all this time?! His answer had been right there all this time, right before his eyes… there had been nights where she’d say a thing like ‘can you imagine how cute our son would be?’; or that time they had watched UP and she had cried in the first few minutes saying how growing old with him would be a dream and that this is all she could ever want out of life. For them to have their own small family and grow old together. All those little comments he had let through his ears, hearing but not listening to her. No wonder she had been so upset with him. All she had ever wanted had been to have a family after losing hers in a fire not too long before they had met. And now… by turning into a vampire he had taken away what she wanted most – a family. He wanted to give her the world and had thought as a heretic he’d be able to, and now he could give her everything but the thing she wanted most.

A tear rolled down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away, swallowing hard. He wanted so badly to go to her, to wrap his arms around her, to tell her he had been there with her the entire time, watching over her… too scared to appear before her, thinking she’d kick him out. To apologize and make it right, but he knew there was no apology in the world that could compensate for what he had done. Nothing he could do or say would fix things between them or make her pain any less.

A sigh left his lips and as quietly as possible he headed up the stairs and jumped out through her bedroom window into the bushes in the backyard before jumping the small fence leading to the street.

   “What? No, heal!” she raised her voice, tears threatening to start streaming down her face at any moment while she watched his chest raising barely with every breath he took. “Please –”

   “No.” he opened his eyes. “I just had to s-see you, t-to tell you t-that –”

Y/N gripped his wrist and put it over the wound on his neck. “Siphon it away.“

   “Y/N –” he said quietly, intertwining their fingers together. “I have to tell you –”

   “You can tell me later. Heal.” she demanded, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Please –” 

   “I was such an idiot to –” he coughed. “– to do this to you. To break your h-heart and take away your d-dream of having a f-family with me. I’ve been so selfish because I love you. I – I love you and – I wanted so badly to spend eternity with you.” he coughed again. “Instead I lost you the n-night of the w-wedding and af-ter everything I k-know you stopped loving me.” he groaned in pain. “I just w-wanted us to be h-happy. To see your eyes, y-your smile completing my w-wolrd. I w-anted so badly for you to be h-happy and I ruined everything –”

   “You idiot.” she smiled through tears. “How can you think I could ever stop loving you? I love you more than anything. You are my life, my future, Kai. You and me … we can get through anything together. Just heal. Please.”

   “Y-you are better off w-without me. Y-ou should listen to your friends and m-move on…but I w-wanted you t-to know how s-sorry I am. I –”

Y/N pressed her lips against his, gently caressing his forehead while his eyes fluttered closed. “I forgive you. I forgive you.” she waited for him to respond, to say something when she realized he had stopped breathing. “Kai? Don’t you dare leave me. Kai! Wake up!” she shook his shoulders. “Wake up! Please –” she cried. “Please –” 

   “Hey. Hey wake up.“ came Kai’s voice as if from a fog.

Y/N’s eyes fluttered open and instinctively she tried to push away the person shaking her shoulders. Then she realized it was him and the relief flooding her body nearly made her lose consciousness. Kai smiled at her and pulled her into his arms, rubbing gentle circles on her back. Her arms wrapped around him so tightly if she was a vampire she probably would’ve crushed his ribs. Y/N scooted even closer to him on the bed but as much as she tried to calm down, it just wasn’t possible. This nightmare kept haunting her, taking her back in time to the moment he had nearly died before her eyes and every time a piece of her died thinking how she had been this close to losing him forever because of her mistake. Because she had pushed him away…

   “Again?” he asked. Y/N only hummed between sobs. “It’s been months. Why does this keep tormenting you?“

   “Y-you almost di-ed because of m-me.” she sobbed. “I never c-could’ve lived with m-myself if something had h-happened and you–”

Kai gently kissed her forehead, brushing away a strand of hair from her face. “It wasn’t your fault–”

   “But it was.“ she said quietly, feeling his thumb wipe away a tear from her cheek before he tilted her chin up, gazing into her eyes. “I almost lost you again, I –

   “It wasn’t.” he said softly. “And I am here, we –” he intertwined their fingers together, playing with the wedding ring on her finger. “– are together because you saved me that night. Giving CPR to a vampire.” his lips curled into a small smile and gently brushed his palm against her cheek, resting his forehead on hers. “I am here … and I am not going anywhere. I promise.”
_________________________________________

MASTERLIST - SMUT
MASTERLIST - FLUFF 

anonymous asked:

Imagine darks s/o is the perfect obedient pet. She's never been punished before. Even though he's really strict he spoils his s/o and she gets anything she wants because she's so obedient. So one day she goes up to dark and says "Daddy I promise I didn't do anything bad today, but can you punish me? I want to see what it's like to be broken by you." What do you think he would do?

See, I’m into soft!Dark, so I think he’d probably confirm with you that you’re positive that’s what you want from him, and then he’d make sure that you’ve got a safe word and know when to use it, and I think he’d probably try several different methods of punishments, ranging from edging to spanking to flogging to working you over with a riding crop, and then afterwards there would be so much sweet, loving aftercare including a gentle massage, rubbing your sore areas with oils or numbing creams, ranging on how painful it was and maybe later a nice long bath and a nice lovely meal

A Different Place (2/2)

Summary: Things aren’t all that different ever since Y/N came out of the pit and since her and Dean’s fight. That is until Dean comforts her after she wakes up from another nightmare 

Pairings: Dean Winchester x Reader 

Word Count: 2,310 

Warnings: It’s a little sad at first but then things get so much better, and Dean is the cutest person ever

A/N: IT’S FINALLY HERE!!! OH…MY…GOD! I hope this meets everyone’s expectation and I hope you guys like this part. Please, please, please let me know what you think! I love you all so much and thank you so much for being patient! 

Feedback is welcome and is much appreciated ♡

Read Part 1 Here! 


Originally posted by deangifsdaily

It had been a month since Y/N had been out of the pit and she couldn’t believe it has been a month since she had her fight with Dean. Even though she desperately wanted to leave, she promised Sam to stay at the place that seemed the same but was truly different. Just to see if things would change back to the way they were. However, things haven’t changed ever since she came back and she had her argument with Dean. The two barely said two words to each other, while Sam tried to make the two communicate with each other. Y/N’s nightmares also haven’t changed, keeping her up every night. She hated going back to sleep.  

Keep reading

5

Maxine rises and walks into the house. Nico Jr blocks her path.

Maxine: Can you please move out of my way? I’m asking you politely. Even though you have no manners so you probably don’t understand what polite means.

Nico Jr: I want to talk to you.

Maxine: Well, I don’t want to talk to you. So-

Nico Jr grabs her by the arm, steers her into a side parlor. He sits down on a couch, pulls her down beside him. 

Nico Jr: Talk to me.

She quickly puts space between them.

Maxine furious: You are so rude, Nicky! 

Nico Jr: Good, we’re on the right track. Don’t ever f*cking call me Nico again, Max. Now what the hell is wrong with you? We always eat lunch together. I don’t like having to hunt you down this entire place. 

anonymous asked:

Hold on, the Doctor has earrings? What, does she regenerate with holes in her ears? Or, does she get them pierced in her first story?I know this is a tiny, unimportant detail but it just feels really, well, un-Doctor-ish, if there can be such a thing. It's a really strange choice and I don't think it works. I'm still looking foward to her run, though.

I think she’s going to have them pierced. I can see the Doctor having his/her/their ears pierced, though. I think that’s in character. They’d just be hanging around with people with pierced ears (because ear piercings are present in so many cultures and communities from super early in history), and think, you know what, I’m gonna do that! 

Or maybe her companion convinces her it’s a good look? This Doctor wants to be hip and cool and down with the 21st century kids so she gets herself a piercing. 

I just think it’s cute to be honest, and also stylistically great. It makes me want to pierce my ears again. 

xxx

Secret Santa Ch 5

LOL I couldn’t resist the Milanda I hope you’re happy.

Ch 5- Lydia


It wasn’t that she hated Bradley. She just held a really, really, really strong dislike to his sour attitude toward everything.

“Do you want to work on page two or page four of the packet?” Lydia asked. “I don’t mind taking the short answer if you want the multiple choice, then you can look over what I wrote when you’re done.”

“I’ll take the short answer,” Bradley said, not looking up from the answer. “I can never read your writing because it’s so sloppy.”

It took all of Lydia’s self-control to not screech at the bluntness of that statement. Even if she heard it from Amanda a million times before. At least she was nice about it though.

Before she could put too much thought into it, there was a loud pop by the door. The pencil sharpener broke off the wall, sending a cloud of shavings in Milo’s face. “Sorry!” he called out.

Bradley rolled his eyes. “This is what he gets for not switching to mechanical.”

Lydia pushed her pencil against the paper hard enough to snap the lead.

Keep reading

Also at my therapy thing today, my therapist Sarah asked what’s up. I told her about how I started a crappy comic and people actually started liking it and stuff. She was happy for me, but then asked what it was about. I had to figure out how to stop laughing from awkwardness and explain my comic as basically a magician got taken and his superhero best friend has to save him. It was so hard to explain because I didn’t want to say it was the ego characters of an Irish youtuber and that part alone makes the comic make sense. It was funny though haha

anonymous asked:

I was so disappointed in today's results. For one I wanted them to choose the couple that nobody thought would win. Jordan and Lindsay were so obvious from the beginning (I love their dances), and Jordan had dance experience. The worst part is whenever I feel like Jordan was overqualfied for Dancing with the Stars, I'm always reminded of Maks and Meryl whom I rooted for even though she had so much experience. What did you think of the finale and who won?

I feel you on that last part. It’s impossible to criticize or complain about a person’s precious dance/performance experience without being a hypocrite. I have tried and failed. As far as “ringers” go, Meryl was probably the biggest one they’ve ever had. But somehow I didn’t seem to care at the time. Nor do I know. I liked her and her journey and her partnership with Maks (obviously), so I still had good reason to like her.

My issue with Jordan wasn’t so much his performance background, although that was part of it. (Hypocritical like I said…) My issue was with his “I really do have to work just as hard as everyone else and omg I’m soooo shocked every time I get a 10” attitude like as if anyone is falling for that. He almost fell over when they got 10s for their freestyle. Like what did you expect for your freestyle??? 6s and 7s???

4

Them boys and their girl~ *:・゚✧

The first introduction to butch that I can remember came when I attended a family dinner party. I was about 6 years old and though shy and quiet, I was a huge tomboy. It was not odd to find me shirtless and covered in mud. My favorite toys were trains and I slept with my train set. I saw brushing my hair as an act of pure evil and insisted on just cutting it all off. I was a butch in the making and there was not much that my family could do to stop me, though their efforts to kill who I was did not go unnoticed by me.

We arrived at the party only to find that there was some drama going on. A family friend had been invited, but some of the parents were a little alarmed about her presence. The adults talked among themselves, and though they tried to prevent the children from listening, I was a nosy child who hid behind a bush. Apparently the family friend was a sinner and might infect the children with her sin. This confused me greatly. I knew about sin, but I had not known that it could be transferred from person to person. 

I pondered what this friend had done to need sin and how she might infect others with that sin, but was soon distracted by a board game laid out on a tree stump. A few hours passed before this friend showed up, and when she did, I all but forget about the sin.

She turned out to be a huge, incredible lesbian. I caught a glimpse of her as she stomped through the house and into the backyard. Her hair was blond, her hands were calloused, and her face was wrinkled. She stood with a power that I had never known a woman to possess before. In this glimpse, I saw who I had always wanted to be. She was defiant yet gentle, loud yet caring, strong yet loving. Her eyes saw into my soul, and I was in love.

I saw her clasp the men on the back and pull out chairs for the women.

I saw her shake her head and say “No.” Were women allowed to do this? 

I heard her boisterous laugh echo through the party.

I heard her heart sing to me “You are home.”

I was not allowed to approach or speak to her, instead I was shooed away and told to be careful.

I was not allowed to ask questions about this woman, which only created more questions for me. What about her was so poisonous and could that same poison reside inside of me? What was the sin that she committed and was I committing the same sin? How did she infect others and did I infect them too? My mind spun and I felt as if it would never stop spinning. Though she came alone, something inside me understood that she loved women. I knew who she was and I knew that I was her. I understood her. I loved and feared this. I did not want to be a bad person, but I could not stop being me.

It was years before I found out that she Butch, and what Butch meant, and that she and I were cut from the same stone. To this day I have never been allowed to speak to her. I do know that I love her. I know that I love every single butch on this planet, and that I will love them until the day I die.

2

Painful, yes (well, to Starco shippers, at least), but also important. While the parallelism robs the development of their relationship of some subtleness, it’s also going to allow us to see how different people who wanted the same thing (even if at different times, and I can just pray Star deep down still would like it) are going to react and behave. 


Star was (is?) super good at running away from things, so she could just close her eyes and pretend things were not there for a while.

But Marco? His “blindness” mostly came from his tendency to focus too much on one thing at a time: first his crush on Jackie, then the sadness he attributed to his recent breakup. But now that he’s painfully aware about what’s truly eating at him (and possibly, retroactively, at what he felt in other occasions as well, from Scent Of A Hoodie, to possibly, Blood Moon Ball).

So… what is he going to do? Last time he was faced with a life changing realization, in Sophomore Slump, he was quick to turn his life around and go to Mewni, because the dork has a hell of a hard time with change, but once it happens he’s not one to wait around, and usually determined to give his best (from getting his red belt to being a good squire to Star). So what is he going to do now that he realized that he likes Star, and that staying around her might just end up hurting him? I don’t think he’s going to be able to pretend everything is okay until something big happens.

This also gave him, and possibly us viewers, a new perspective on Star’s actions in Lint Catcher (I don’t think it’s going to be addressed, though, since it doesn’t really need to be spelt out): she didn’t want him back at first not because she doesn’t enjoy his presence, and probably not even because she doesn’t like him anymore, but because she was scared about his return in her life undoing all the efforts she put in getting her life back on tracks, there on Mewni, after all the pain she had to suffer ever since she became aware of her impossible crush.

i like the idea of one day when Jonathan and Joyce aren’t able to watch Will, and the Wheelers are busy with something that they can’t watch him either, Joyce calls up Steve asking him to watch over Will and Steve is just like “HELL YEAH.”

Steve shows up with Max, ( Joyce of course doesn’t mind ) and they spend the rest of the night eating junk food, building a fort, drawing, making jokes, playing with the byer’s dog,and watching movies in the fort they built.

They even made some cookies and globed mounds of frosting and left over m&m’s from halloween on the cookies.

Jonathan and Joyce come home that night finding Steve sound asleep on the couch ( his face is covered in stickers because he fell asleep first ) while Will and Max are asleep in the fort, a half played game of connect four, a few candy wrappers and a couple of cans of soda sitting between the two

Jonathan wakes up Steve, Jonathan is laughing because how ridiculous Steve looks but he won’t tell Steve what is wrong. 

Joyce tries to pay Steve ( even though it isn’t much ) for babysitting and he won’t accept it because he loves spending time with Will, and he doesn’t want it feel like a job.

Steve attempts at scooping up Max so she could stay asleep but he ends up waking her up and she tries to physically fight him.

They get in the car and when Steve checks himself in the mirror he sees all the stickers. He complains while peeling the sticky shaped characters from his face. Max sits there and laughs

when he drops off Max, he could tell she doesn’t want to go because even though she loves her mom, she still has to deal with a horror of a brother.

“you know you call me if anything.” he reminds Max before she climbs out of the car.

He sits and waits to make sure she gets inside.

when he sees through the front window that the light of the living room turned off followed by the distant light of Max’s room click on he then drives off knowing she is in the safety of her room.

Steve returns to an empty home, but he isn’t sad about it because he spent the night with a couple of great kids

Ai Yazawa End-of-Book Notes 1-21

So at the end of every volume of NANA, Ai Yazawa has a brief paragraph about the manga or just some introspection about her life. They give great insight into the series and I think only a few are found on the scans of NANA online, so I thought I’d share them all!

Volume 1

The creator, Ai Yazawa, told us, “I created this story so that it could be enjoyed as a stand-alone and, at the same time, have a complete ending that could be connected to an ongoing series.  I hope you’ll look forward to the future of the two Nanas!”

Volume 2

A note from Ai Yazawa: “I had thought that if the two Nanas met each other, they would probably be constantly fighting, but they seem oddly friendly.  What’s up with that?!  It’s one of me (not so) seven wonders (ha-ha).”

Volume 3

Since childhood, the artists I’ve looked up to haven’t been writers and illustrators, but mostly musicians.  Music provides me the most emotional effect and excitement.  If there was no music, I don’t think my creative juices would boil.  Music is that important to my life.

- Ai Yazawa

Volume 4

I realized one day that there are hit songs with the same names as the main female characters, NANA, JUNKO, and SACHIKO (the kanji for JUNKO is different, though).  It’s not that big a deal, but I sometimes just hum the melodies longingly.

- Ai Yazawa

Volume 5

In the initial drafts, Nana’s band was a rockabilly band like the Stray Cats.  But due to various circumstances, I didn’t keep it that way.  But if they were rockabilly, Ren, Nobu and Shin would have had pompadours.  And Yasu too?

- Ai Yazawa

Volume 6

When I was a child, I used to take piano lessons.  Even after I stopped taking lessons, I bought sheet music I liked and continued playing.  I’ve had my hands full for several years now, but one of these days I’d like to learn how to play jazz piano, which I’ve wanted to do for years now.

- Ai Yazawa

Volume 7

I had an opportunity to interview a group of professional musicians.  I showered them with questions, but they answered willingly, and it was very helpful.  I was having problems balancing the fictional world of manga-like simplicity and gorgeousness with a sense of reality.  But I realized again that what’s important is the humanity of the characters.

- Ai Yazawa

Volume 8

When I was in high school, there was a cool girl in my class who was a lone wolf.  I was really into a foreign New Romantic-type band then, and when she asked me one day, “Do you want to go to their concert together?” I was overwhelmed.  My heart fluttered more than when I was with my boyfriend (☺).  Have you had a Hachiko experience like that?  - Ai Yazawa

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“Fuck Lup, Marry Barry, kill Taako.”

“You would kill Taako??”

“Lup and Barry are liches, and Taako is literally dating death so he’s just waiting for the day he can join his dead family.”

Killian laughed as Carey explained this during their in-home date. Carey sat on the couch in her favorite pj’s (Killians pj’s), and ate fantasy thin mint cookies. Her wife was busy next to her with her knitting, a hobby she picked up after marriage. Domesticity is a plague she welcomes.

“Okay okay so I guess that one wasn’t fair.”

“Your turn; Magnus, Avi, Kravitz.” Carey laughs to herself as she adds her best friend to the mix.

She hesitates for a second, looking down at the floor and slowly furrowing her eyebrows. Her teeth poke out further as she places her chin on her fist, putting her needles down and thinking. Carey snickers again at the cute face her wife makes before getting squished as Killian leans deeply against her.

“This one is haaaaaaaard babe~” she teases as she slowly smooshes a giggling Carey into the soft couch. Soon all that’s left is a struggling and outwardly laughing Carey underneath the much larger and now smirking Killian.

“You can’t just kill someone to avoid answering a question!” a muffled voice from the couch laughs out.

“Okay okay,” Killian tells the couch while still lying on her side, “Fuck Avi, Marry Magnus, kill Kravitz.”

Killian feels the couch struggle as her lovely wife escapes from under her with difficulty, only managing to pry her waist and up out, “You would kill Kravitz??”

“He’s dead! You just justified killing Taako cuz he’s dating Krav!”

“He’s also sensitive! You saw him on his first date with Taako, I feel like it would hurt his feelings to try and kill him…”

“But I also wouldn’t want to kill the other two! He’s a very understanding man when it comes to death.” Killian shifts not to lean all her weight onto the small dragonborn, she likes her women not crushed.

“You would rather fuck Avi over Magnus?”

“That was the more difficult part. Magnus would feel like a competition in bed. Avi is very kind, and he’s got really good alcohol. Magnus would give you free ducks for life though and I love ducks.”

“You do love ducks.”

“Not more than I love you, my sweet.” Killian smiles down at Carey as she slowly readjusts herself to get back up into a sitting position.

“Noooooo don’t get up you’re warm,” Carey whines as she wraps herself around Killians arm (almost as wide as her whole body).

“What, you steal my pajamas now you want to steal my warmth?”

“Well you stole my heart so I feel as if it’s only fair.”

Killian looks down at Carey with mild surprise on her face as bright scarlet spreads across her face and up her ears. She brings both hands to cover her face and Carey is taken with her, still clinging to Killians arm and laughing.

“You can dish it but you can’t take it, babe! I’m a rogue of course I have sappy things to say about stealing!”

They both collapse together in a pile on the couch. They giggle at the stupid games and laugh at the answers, enjoying each other. (And of course, the fantasy thin mints).

Reasons why Max from Stranger Things 2 is amazing
  • Breaks 80s gender stereotypes: she got the high score on Dig Dug even though the boys doubted that girls can be good at video games. 
  • She calls out the boys for being creepy and acting like it’s a privilege to go trick-or-treating with them:
  • She respects Will’s sensitivity on the “Zombie Boy” situation so she doesn’t ask him about it even though she really wants to understand what happened. 
  • She tells Billy (her abuser) off even though she’s terrified of him, also defies him by hanging out with Lucas when he demands that she doesn’t:
  • She doesn’t allow herself to be silently pushed to the sidelines:
  • She confronts people who have issues with her/who she believes are treating her unfairly and sasses those who are unnecessarily rude to her:
  • She apologizes for the times she thought she acted like a jerk because she doesn’t want to take her anger out on others like her step-brother does.
  • When she’s convinced that the Demogorgons are real she does whatever she can to help the rest of the party: fortifies the bus so they can capture Dart, fixes up the shed so they can question Will, drives to Hopper’s tunnel, risks her life to set fire to the Mind Flayer’s vines to give El and Hopper time to close the gate.
  • “I told you. Zoomer.”
  • Whenever Billy goes too far she takes it in her own hands to stop him:

HEADCANON TIME:  In the MCU it’s long been impossible for Loki to be Hela’s father (and it’s not true in the comics, either), we can handwave a lot away by, oh, comics like to do that thing where Asgardian magical villains like to wear green because, hey, that’s true.

BUT WHAT IF SOMETHING ELSE?

Things we know:
- Approximately a thousand years ago is when Odin battled against Jotunheim and brought baby Loki home, after he was abandoned.  Thor never knew that Loki was adopted, so he was young enough that he doesn’t remember this, which would also put his birth at about a thousand years ago.  (Give or take a bit.)
- Hela and Odin’s conquering ways were at some point between 5,000 years ago (the last Convergence when Bor was still king) and 1,000 years ago (when Odin went to war against Jotunheim for their invasion of Midgard), her banishment likely closer to the 1,000 years ago point.
- Hela said, when talking to Thor, about Odin’s change of heart, “And then, one day, he decided to become a benevolent king, foster peace, to protect life.  To have… you.“
- Laufey was shown in the mural as an important peace treaty, the only one we know.  Most likely a reference to the first movie (because this movie was all about references to previous movies) but bear with me.
- Laufey’s talk with Loki has a strong undercurrent of him waiting to see where this goes, that he says it was his decision to leave baby Loki out on the rock, but he is very clearly trying to play along with this to see what he can get out of it. I don’t trust anything he says in that conversation.
- Odin is the one who says that the baby he found was Laufey’s son, but we don’t know how he knows this.

What if one of the realms that Hela conquered last was Jotunheim, brutally savaging their civilization and so Odin felt responsible, that it was important to make a peace treaty with them, even after they invaded the far weaker Midgard, because of what Hela had done to them.

Hela, while there, took a war prize of their king, whether because she was in the mood or as a way to humiliate him because he was weak and she wanted to show that.  And became pregnant with a half-Jotunn baby, maybe she wanted to see where this would go, what kind of monster she could birth, like her beloved Fenris, maybe one who had magical powers like her.

But the baby only half as strong because he was also half of this pathetic race, so she left the baby out in the cold, let Laufey do what he would or wouldn’t with it.

Instead, Odin found the baby, who recognized the touch of an As, who shifted to As form that looked just like his mother’s form.

It was no surprise to fate then, though no one else knew, that the baby would grow up with inky black hair and a talent for magic and favored black and green, along with a fondness for chaos and mischief.

Pearl Physically Cannot Talk About the Diamond’s: Theory Masterpost

Now at first glance, I figured that Pearl was just having a hard time with the issue at hand, but then realized. When if she means that she literally cannot physically tell Steven? As in she means it when she says she wants to but it’s impossible. She literally isn’t physically capable because something is stopping her from doing so.

Now even though this only lasted for a moment, and then we went on to Steven telling Pearl the truth about what he was upset about, there is a lot to analyze in those few seconds. Now the biggest thing to me that stuck out was that Pearl looks like she was trying to pry one hand away from her mouth so that she could continue speaking.

MORE UNDER THE CUT, THIS IS ALSO IN VIDEO FORM

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The Heiman Rant

It’s plainly obvious. Heiman is a toxic relationship. 

Heidi and Cartman were built on false pretenses, and therefore doomed to fail. Cartman’s a bad boyfriend. He’s terrible to her. We all want it to end.

But I think in our rush to see this bad thing that made us all so uncomfortable be done with, for it all to just go away, we forget what this relationship was like before it all went sour.

In our need to see Cartman return to his normal self, we never really stopped to look at his relationship with Heidi. How it functioned. We all just said, “bad. fake.” and waited for it to end.

I don’t know HOW many times I’ve heard “Cartman is incapable of being in a relationship unless he’s controlling the person, and Heiman proves that.” And that just bugged me. And I realized why.

Because Cartman WAS in a good relationship. And to start off with, it was a shaky foundation, sure, but nonetheless, he proved that he CAN be a kind, supportive person. 

In season 20 one of their biggest strengths as a couple was communication. They’d tell each other their plans, their hopes and dreams, even their worries. And it worked like a functional relationship. Cartman was relaxed. He hardly stressed out about anything. Hell, he didn’t even get mad when Kyle reminded him of the confrontation that alienated him from the group he was a part of. It was just so far out of his mind that he didn’t care. He was in a good place. And he would do anything to conserve that.

The Mars analogy in season 20 is symbolic of his relationship. A completely alien world to him, but one to make his own. He feels like he’s walking on air, and he’s mesmerized. 

And it’s not as if this relationship only benefited Cartman. Heidi was encouraged to realize how smart she was.

Whenever she was discouraged, Cartman told her it was unwarranted. To “get over” herself, which is a perfectly sound piece of advice. Her doubt was the only thing standing in her way. In the end she realized she was so smart that she could help a fucking space program create a massive amount of energy. 

It was a mutually beneficial relationship.

However, I do want to say that I personally believe this relationship was doomed to fail. simply because, as we see in Cartman’s Mars vision, Heidi is MILES away from Cartman. He doesn’t feel legitimately close to her, and that would’ve surfaced without anyone’s interference. 

 So let’s dive a little deeper in. Let’s ask the most obvious of questions.

What does Cartman think of relationships? 

 I’m sure most people would say “He thinks partners are supposed to be like Alexa.” 

But the answer is actually directly given to us, way back in season 16. 

In an earlier post I explain that Cupid Me is a manifestation of what Cartman considers love. 

Cartman tells cupid me that he believes in him, and that love can change everything. Very strong feelings about love.  

A bit surprising from Cartman, huh? But before the naysayers start insisting that “Cartman Finds Love was out of character!!!” I should tell you that Cartman has consistently admired the concept of love throughout other episodes

 In The Ring when Kenny gets with a girl named Tammy Warner, Cartman is invested in Kenny’s relationship and comments on how it’s “kind of beautiful.”

 In Tweek x Craig he is so invested in their relationship that he fantasizes about assisting them when they need it. In “Where My Country Gone?” he encourages Butters to pull a Lion King 2, while having an affectionate expression while Butters wooes Charlotte. 

 It’s entirely consistent that Cartman loves the concept of love and has specific ideals of what those should be. And it’s NOT an Alexa. Ironically he does ask Alexa what love is, which is sad to say the least. But he does understand at the end of that episode that what he has with Heidi isn’t love. 

But the point is, back when he thought he loved Heidi, he was pretty damn good at expressing it. 

Compliments.

Patience. 

Positivity, 

Support, 

Cooperation, 

and most of all, communication. 

 If Cartman is so incapable of showing love to anything unless he has complete control over it, how and why did he do that FOR AN ENTIRE SEASON? I mean seriously people. It’s not like he was possessed. He wasn’t being threatened. He genuinely believed he loved Heidi, and he had no problems spending time with her. Because he WANTED to.

And what he gave Heidi was probably one of the best relationships you can get as a 4th grader. I mean compare it to any other relationship we’ve seen on south park. Heiman – despite being obnoxious to those who know the “real Cartman,” – is easily the best a 4th grade boy has treated a 4th grade girl in this series. EASILY. It’s no wonder we see Heidi in the 21st season so desperately wanting her Cartman back.

That is – her reflection back. 

Because as cupid me says, “People who are the same belong together,” right? So that’s what Cartman did. Cartman and Heidi were polar opposites. So in order for Heidi and Cartman to work, Cartman became like her. 

Don’t get it twisted, this doesn’t mean he was lying about believing he liked her. It doesn’t mean he’s “faking” because he’s “manipulating her into liking him.” Everyone does this. Everyone in a relationship mimics their partner to some extent. Because the more we admire someone, the more we find ourselves taking on their qualities. Their laughs, their nervous habits, their interests, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Cartman’s reason for taking on her traits isn’t all involuntary though. You can see several times where Cartman gets shifty eyed, that he’s putting on a front. But the front is genuinely for the sake of conserving the relationship. 

And, for the record, the fact that when talking to Butters Cartman continues to put on his soft-spoken, well-mannered demeanor that he finds it admirable in Heidi. Note the shift in his voice. 

He wants that demeanor from Heidi because he believes it’s part of what makes her so likable. 

In this relationship, Heidi is the one being imitated because she’s the one being admired. She is the one making actions, and Cartman is the making reactions.  And in turn, she is functionally the one in control. Cartman takes control and pushes her to do things, it’s just in his nature to be assertive, but he too understands that when it’s all said and done, her whims are the deciding factor in the relationship.

And, he understands that if he wanted any semblance of a shot with this likable person, he couldn’t act like himself. When Kyle talks about “the old Cartman,” Cartman fidgets and takes a sip of his drink, subtly hiding his anxiousness that Kyle would even mention that in front of Heidi. Then he continuously changes the subject to distract Kyle. 

And this is where it all starts to go to shit.

Kyle is the first person to create/quicken the downfall of Cartman’s relationship (because of course he is.). When Kyle threatens to expose the meanest parts of Cartman’s personality, Cartman panics. 

We know now that if Heidi did see those things Cartman said their relationship could have easily recovered. Her patience with him is unmatched. It’s interesting that Cartman placed Heidi in such high regard that he thought her knowing he criticized a group of women would fuck him over. 

Shame is definitely not a new thing for Cartman, but shame towards his entire personality is. Cartman is so terrified of losing the relationship that he won’t risk being himself. He knows he’s lucky as fuck to have her, so much that he tries to go to a whole other god damn planet just to keep them together.

And what’s interesting about this is that the whole time, even though he’s lying, he still puts the care and effort into talking and expressing his feelings to Heidi. He doesn’t want her to worry, but to some extent, he can’t help but open up to her.

And this might seem like a minor thing, since he’s still lying to her and all, but it’s a polar opposite to his distance and refusal to communicate in season 21.

This is why I insist that the amount of heart that Cartman put into the relationship before shit hit the fan is praiseworthy. He’s putting effort and care into someone like he’s never done before. And it’s amazing.

And then Butters came along with a dialogue. 

The truth is girls hate us, Eric. They’re sick of our shit. And one day, they plan to make us obsolete, stick us underground where we just get milked for our semen. Boys’ only hope is to start over on Mars.

Which matched Cartman’s initial dialogue. 

The icing on the cake is, Butters also predicted that Heidi was doing all this to fuck him over.

That’s how it ends, Eric. Girls get you to feel for them, make you think they’re the best thing in the world, and then they leave, move on to the next thing; and you’re left there crying, with your heart covered in poop.

And for Cartman, who secretly glorifies and holds in such high regard – love – this resonates with him. Because his self-esteem is actually garbage. He knows he will never be with anyone, because he’s him.

In that sense, is it really so far fetched for Cartman to believe that Heidi was just playing an elaborate trick on him?

But Cartman, so genuinely enamored with Heidi, fights this initially. 

That is Cartman’s test. In order to prove to everybody (to himself) that Heidi is in fact, not tricking him, she must be smart and funny, which he believes she is. 

This of course, makes him nervous. He doesn’t want to believe that what he thinks about Heidi isn’t based in reality. Because to him, that would mean that Heidi is tricking him.

Cartman genuinely believes that Heidi is smart. You can see his two reactions here of what he thinks about both of those qualities in Heidi, respectively. 

When Heidi asks if Cartman believes she’s smart, Cartman doesn’t need any time to think about it. But when she asks about being funny, you can see his brain working, trying to search his memories of when she was ever funny. 

Because he’s so enamored with her, he laughs at whenever she says something mildly goofy. But when he looks back on it, it’s never funny. It’s so not funny that he can’t remember what the joke was.

But the concept of faulty memory is thrown out the window when he realizes that nothing she said would’ve been funny in real time. 

He genuinely thought she was funny. He equated his smiles and laughs of joy to her being funny. But with the rose colored glasses off, his claim of her not manipulating him falls apart in his eyes.

So by the end of the season, when all is said and done, we of course are left with a bitter, cold Cartman, who wants nothing to do with Heidi. 

In our first impression we might’ve said that he was buying into a conspiracy that Butters sold him, and is forcing the idea that she betrayed him because he wanted to believe the conspiracy.

But that’s not what this is. 

This is Cartman convinced that no one would ever genuinely like him. That of course after all he’s done, the only reason anyone would ever be with him, under any circumstance, would be doing it simply to trick him. And everything that Heidi made him feel, like the idea that she could make him laugh by saying anything, even though it wasn’t funny, was all part of her plan to bring him high up and watch him crash to the ground. 

Not because he actually believes that women want to milk men’s semen. The smart and funny test had nothing to do with that. 

His actions now aren’t him mistreating Heidi because he just can’t help himself. He proved for an entire season that he can. His actions are out of resentment.

In s21e01 he’s simply non-confrontational. He tries to make it work at minimum capacity – minimal communication, spending very little time with her, but her nagging makes him resentful. And yes, he places himself as the victim in this situation. In his paranoid mind, he is being unresponsive to not give her the pain she wants. Because he still feels for her. (I think that’s why he can’t decide whether or not he wants to break up with her.) 

But when she pushes, he lashes out. He hates talking about this relationship he once thought was great. But at the same time, he doesn’t want it to go away. Just the status of being in a relationship makes him feel good. He feels needed. He feels trapped, in that sense, and in turn even more angry that that “bitch” is trapping him.

But really it’s him struggling with his emotions, and she happens to be caught in the middle of it.

What Cartman does to Heidi is sad, and definitely sadistic. And to him it feels justified. But at the same time, I think he still believes the statement he blurted in the midst of his panic.

In his sadistic, projecting, paranoid little head, Heidi already accomplished what she sought out to do. Lift him up and knock him down.

For that brief moment in his life, he really experienced something beautiful.

And now it’s over. 

Because he destroyed it.

I think, and I hope, for the development of his character, that he knows that.

She is…

A Harry Styles imagine

Based on this request:

Hey could you plzz do an imagine of you not feeling well throughout the day and Harry comes hone and is kinda pissed at you for some reason and you suddenly faint while you arguing. After in the hospital he feels so bad and is worried and it ends with fluff

Enjoy! Requests are open!

~

Ever since you woke up this morning, you’ve been feeling a bit…off. Not the “I’m getting sick” or “something bad is about to happen” kind of off, but there was something that tied a knot in the pit of stomach that has remained there ever since. When you first woke up, you noticed Harry, your boyfriend of almost one and a half year, being gone, even though he was supposed to have few more days off to spend with you before going to do his shows in Australia. You at first hestitated to text him, but you did anyways, asking him where had he gone, but received no reply. Deciding against doing something more or less productive while waiting for Harry to return, hoping he had only ran out to catch some take out, since you had been craving it during the night, even going as far as waking your him up in hopes that he might go and fetch you some, but without a luck. As you tiptoed down the downstairs, the cold floor hitting your bare feet, a sudden feeling of dizziness took over you, making you grip the shelves on the wall next to the stairway, accidentally knocking over a few of Harry’s old childhood pictures, most of them gifted by Robin on his last birthday. Seeing the pictures lying on the floor with shreds of glass around them made you even more dizzy, as Harry had been having a hard time coping with the sad news ever since he passed away. Once you had gained your ability to walk and see straight, you wasted no time in trying to clean the mess up, hoping to fix the broken frames before Harry notices something being out of place, seeing that these were somehow similar to the frames you had recently bought and still had in spare. But the recent mishaps seemed to be following you around as you went, and, as you were picking up the last small pieces of the remaining shreds, a sudden bolt of the door shutting startled you, making you accidentally cut yourself in the palm of your hand. Harry’s heavy boots echoed though the otherwise empty and quiet house, making you inwardly curse to yourself for being so clumsy, knowing a storm is about to hit you.

“(Y/N)! Where are you? I bought some food I thought you might like, to make up fo- what is this?!” He asked in disbelief, at first not noticing you crouched over the broken frames.

“Harry, I-I can explain, I’m so-“

“Sorry? You are sorry?! You broke them!!! With the pictures Robin himself gave me as a present!! How could you be so heartless?? You know how much they mean to me!!” He raged, kicking the bucket full of scraps, sending them flying across the floor. He bent down, trying to pick up the pictures himself, with you trying to help.

“Leave it, you have done enough already” he spat, gripping your wounded hand in order to stop you from even touching them, making pain shoot right through you.

“Harry, I said I’m sorry, it was an accident…” you breathed out, silent tears sliding down your cheeks.

“No. No, (Y/N). Don’t start this. At first you cancel our last night’s plans, because you “just felt like staying in”, even though we were not the only ones going and I had to find a silly excuse as to why, then you wake me up god knows how early just to tell me that you want food, and now this! What is wrong with you?!?” He fumed, but his rant became more distant with time and once again the feeling of dizziness took over you, this time sending you in the depths of darkness, making the shards of glass pierce your skin as your body hit the floor.


Harry’s POV


I was livid. The last few days have been a mess - so much to do, yet so little time. Not to mention the lack of sleep. The making of new music, arranging the new additional tour dates and interviews, making sure I get everything done before I take off to Australia was taking its toll on me. And her. (Y/N). God forgive me for leaving her like this the whole time. I’ve missed her so much, and the thought of me leaving her has been driving me mad. Especially this time, even though I cannot fully understand why. Every minute spent together with her has been leading me to the edge of breaking, either in tears or rage, and this time rage took over. It’s not like she has done anything wrong, no. It’s just that the more time we spend together alone, the more I don’t want to leave, making me consider postponing the tour, to which my management would never agree to. And the fans…

Last night we were supposed to go out for a nice dinner with my team, making it important to actually show up, since I was the one who initially came up with the idea. Having to lie made me angry, not because I could not understand that (Y/N) was not feeling her best, but the fact that she realised that only an hour before the actual meeting, making me look bad infront of important people. Even though I was more than glad to finally get a good night’s sleep, (Y/N) decided otherwise, which is the reason for my cranky mood today, since I had refused to get up, guilt eating me, as I felt her shuffle further away from me, mumbling a “sorry” as she did so. Waking up this morning, however, was when I decided I cannot keep up my behaviour and took a drive to the nearest take out place, knowing very well she would forgive me for being a massive dick. I don’t even want to talk about what happened when I arrived home. Something inside of me just snapped…

Seeing her fall, however, was the worst feeling I’ve felt in a long time. Watching the love of my life fall on top of a layer of scraps that I had initially scattered there in the fit of rage I was having, made me sick in my stomach, and seeing her unconscious and bleeding just about broke my heart. I rushed towards her and craddled her in my arms, shaking her for the dear life, hoping to see her beautiful eyes look up to me, telling me that this was all just a bad dream, and that everything is alright…

Once I took her to the hospital for the doctors to take care of her and find out what caused the fainting, praying to myself that I was not the reason behind it, I couldn’t help but to fear the worst. I kept repeating everything I said to her in my mind, wincing at how rude and unnecessary that was. I couldn’t help but to sob next to her bed, praying for her to wake up and forgive me, to hold me the way I’m holding her now and to tell me that everything is okay. That it will be okay… It will, right?

When the doctor came in, I couldn’t help but to jump up from my chair, asking him to give me the answers I oh so desperately wanted to know.

“Mr.Styles, you have got to calm down. The stitching was done professionally, so the scaring will be little to none with the right precautions taken. The fainting, however, is something I am more concerned about..” the doctor trailed off, making my heart sink.

“Wh-what is it?” I sniffled, not caring about anyone noticing my current state.

“Well, she has been lacking on the intake of vitamins, which, in her case, has lead this far, thus harming her immune system, not to mention the stress, but with the right diet and excercise, they should be fine.”

“I-I’m sorry, did I hear correct? They?”

Oh, yes, they. She is pregnant!