so not gossip girl

okay anyway listen. LISTEN. here is my own personal mythology of dan humphrey being gossip girl.

so one of the most major ways in which the books diverge from the show is that in the BOOKS, dan and chuck are both canonically queer. essentially dan’s entire plotline in the last two books is that he meets a cute guy while working at the strand, comes out as gay, has his first relationship with this guy, the guy leaves him for chuck (drama!), and then dan realizes he still has feelings for vanessa and he’s maybe bi? 

and in the second-to-last book dan snail-mails jenny a letter that just says, “dear jenny, i’m gay, love, dan” and jenny writes back like, “wow! this is big news! i’m proud of you and i love you. haha remember when we were little we’d dress up in mom’s clothes and jewelry all the time! you loved her heels!! the writing was on the wall lol.”

and NONE of that made it into the show which is bull SHIT of the highest order. but it’s all there, it’s canonically Part Of The Dan Humphrey Mythos that he dates a boy and that as a kid he looooooooooved dressing up as a girl. 

which brings me TO: dan humphrey, now a teenager, trying DESPERATELY to fit in at this extremely elite all-boys school where he’s already an outsider because he’s poor! he gets enough shit for being a scholarship student he can’t POSSIBLY step outside the bounds of hypermasculine gender presentation that is the bread and butter of this place! i mean the homophobia in all-boys schools for rich kids is BATSHIT my little brother spent a year as a scholarship student at such a school when we were growing up and he had to withdraw after being physically assaulted and called a f*g on a daily basis. and he’s not even gay.

so anyway. ANYWAY. you’re dan humphrey, you’re the only working class kid at this school full of zillionaires, so you have no social influence. you’re deeply in the closet and bound to perform heteromasculinity on a constant basis as a means of cultural survival. and you’re a really good writer. like, that’s the one thing you have total confidence in: you are excellent at creating stories.

so is it any wonder that dan creates the character of gossip girl? is it? he can exert some control and influence in this hyperprivileged social environment he’ll never fully belong to. he can immerse himself in this performance of femininity in order to make the stifling nature of the closet just a little more bearable. and if he’s believable as gossip girl, that’s TREMENDOUS validation of these aspects of his identity that he has to keep suppressed. 

and then he graduates and instead of going ivy league he moves to fucking OLYMPIA to go to EVERGREEN like PLEASE. please. dan humphrey was genderqueer and the government knows it. the gossip girl persona was virtual drag that he used as a coping mechanism during a time when any outward experimentation with feminine gender presentation would have gotten him exiled. wow i can’t believe i have this many feelings about this but there you go. dan humphrey. bigender icon. in the books he comes out as gay and his divorced parents team up to throw him a surprise party with rainbow cake. i need to stop writing this post i’m getting meotinoal *emotional

So, there’s this relatively new member of our team who’s a gossip fanatic, she’s always around chatting everyone up and then reporting the juicest news and hot details she’s given, which is a demeanour our main client is pretty bothered by, therefore she always makes sure to shut up and behave around them.

Two coworkers of mine, me, the Big Boss and our client were arranging and planning a few things, when she burst into the room, not noticing the BB and the Client, who were at that moment having coffe behind the door and she went “ooooh, you know what they say about Louis Tomlinson not actually being the father of his child? Looks like it’s true after all, even though it’s been ages!”

We didn’t have time to gesture to her, that my client appeared from behind the door all frowny and straight faced “yeah, the same ages it took you to dig this oh-so-shocking information up, with that quick, sharp rate of yours you’ll have to start working on the next campaign tomorrow morning if I want it out before 2036″.

Who the signs are to you:

ARIES:

  • Aries: the person you don’t really know well, but you’re always having a great time going out together 
  • Taurus: that weirdo at work you just can’t get along with without any apparent reason 
  • Gemini: that from-time-to-time sex partner 
  • Cancer: your little sister you always have to protect from everyone 
  • Leo: shopping buddy 
  • Virgo: that one bitchy, arrogant chick you couldn’t stand at the first sight
  • Libra: future wife/husband 
  • Scorpio: that one ex you’ll always feel attracted to, even though it will never work out 
  • Sagittarius: crush 
  • Capricorn: that weird nerdy neighbour that looks quite lovely but you never spoke a word to them 
  • Aquarius: that one person that gets everything you want so much
  • Pisces: just a random useless person

TAURUS 

  • Aries: an annoying guy at work who gets all the credits you deserve
  • Taurus: your first love you’ll never forget
  • Gemini: that two-faced bitch you’re a little jealous of
  • Cancer: that person you’re not really best friends with but to whom you can always turn when you feel down
  • Leo: that hot guy you secretly crave
  • Virgo: a childhood friend that helped you become who you are now
  • Libra: your boss
  • Scorpio: your boyfriend/girlfriend
  • Sagittarius: crazy, odd creep that entertains you when you’re sad
  • Capricorn: bff!
  • Aquarius: your loving grandmother
  • Pisces: that one pervert you know who always makes you laugh 

GEMINI 

  • Aries: a huge crush you can’t get over no matter what you do
  • Taurus: high school desk neighbour
  • Gemini: the person you laugh the most with
  • Cancer: your one & only real love
  • Leo: drinking buddy
  • Virgo: that one annoying person that always sees through you not buying your lies like others do
  • Libra: that girl intriguing all the time
  • Scorpio: that bitch with a few kilogrammes makeup on you just can’t stand
  • Sagittarius: best travel partner you’ll ever have
  • Capricorn: your older brother
  • Aquarius: the person you know has a crush on, but you can’t relate, even though you’re enjoying this fact
  • Pisces: the one who does all your homework 

CANCER

  • Aries: you wish you had their confidence
  • Taurus: childhood neighbour
  • Gemini: your job partner who does all the work
  • Cancer: your opposite gender best friend, the prove that girl & boy can be just friends
  • Leo: they’re so beautiful, I wish I had a little of their beauty
  • Virgo: that person that tries to make you believe in how amazing you are
  • Libra: that weird person who never talks but you somehow still hang out with them
  • Scorpio: that one person who talks so sarcastically that you can’t understand if they’re being serious or not
  • Sagittarius: that annoying bitch bullying you all the time
  • Capricorn: that one person you will always like even though it doesn’t work out between you
  • Aquarius: how can you be so arrogant?
  • Pisces: best friend 

LEO 

  • Aries: slaying together!
  • Taurus: that one friend you’re trying to make more social, ‘cause they’re actually pretty cool, but they just prefer to Netflix & chill at home
  • Gemini: that one sarcastic but charming guy you like, but they keep making fun of your attitude
  • Cancer: your spiritually obsessed uncle
  • Leo: your wingman who always steals your girls in the end
  • Virgo: that silent friend who gets crazy as hell when drunk
  • Libra: your personal clown, basically entertaining you through life
  • Scorpio: the only person that knows how to handle your ego, but you can’t trust them, ‘cause they have some kind of power over you
  • Sagittarius: cooking partner
  • Capricorn: your older, smarter sister, but you’re always beating her in being popular & hot
  • Aquarius: the only person you will fall in love with for real
  • Pisces: your boss who’s way too easy to manipulate

VIRGO 

  • Aries: that one guy who gets all the girls you like because they’re hot & charming, but you’re just a shy potato 
  • Taurus: an actual friend
  • Gemini: that one person you feel kind of alike with but you still just don’t like them 
  • Cancer: your boo
  • Leo: that girl you thought was your best friend but she has like 5 other best friends and so you feel somehow friendship wise heartbroken
  • Virgo: that fling you had on a holiday but it was so good you won’t ever forget them
  • Libra: I wish I was as creative & adorable as they are
  • Scorpio: your wife who’s gonna leave you in the end ‘cause she will realise how different you are after 10 years of marriage
  • Sagittarius: that hot girl you totally have a crush on but she’s out of your league, ‘cause well, you’re still a potato
  • Capricorn: the only friend who actually knows how to deal with your weirdnesses and phobias
  • Aquarius: your psychologist 
  • Pisces: a girl you get perfectly along with, but can’t really understand why, because you’re so different

LIBRA

  • Aries: partner in crime
  • Taurus: your beauty idol you always try to copy
  • Gemini: only you can understand both of their faces
  • Cancer: that lovely person having so much bad luck that you always feel sorry for them
  • Leo: that flowers obsessed relative
  • Virgo: your neighbour 
  • Libra: that one boring person that always asks you to go out. You know it’s gonna be boring but can’t say no, 'cause they are actually really nice
  • Scorpio: that person you’re inhumanly attracted to 
  • Sagittarius: fiancé(e) that’s gonna leave you at the altar 
  • Capricorn: fiancé(e) that’s gonna marry you
  • Aquarius: long lost half sister who turns out to be really cool 
  • Pisces: the shoulder to cry on from time to time

SCORPIO 

  • Aries: a huge crush who doesn’t really like you back but you keep trying, even though you know it’s gonna hurt
  • Taurus: your favourite singer
  • Gemini: the best person to have late night conversations with
  • Cancer: a lovely family member you will always support
  • Leo: that bitch needing attention all the time but you’re too busy being self-absorbed
  • Virgo: the sign that 90% of your crushes are
  • Libra: your best freaking sex partner ever 
  • Scorpio: childhood love that never really faded
  • Sagittarius: that one cheater boyfriend you somehow forgive over and over again 
  • Capricorn: your daughter you can act like best friends with
  • Aquarius: unexplainably undesirable person 
  • Pisces: best friend you never dare getting in a romantic relationship with because you know you’ll hurt them

SAGITTARIUS 

  • Aries: your modelling partner 
  • Taurus: that stubborn little shit always trying to ruin your life
  • Gemini: you don’t know it yet but they’re the love of your life 
  • Cancer: that person with an amazing taste in music so you can’t stop admiring it
  • Leo: drinking buddy
  • Virgo: your favourite actor  
  • Libra: your make up artist
  • Scorpio: your witch neighbour, you don’t believe she actually is one but she scares you anyway somehow
  • Sagittarius: best travel buddy 
  • Capricorn: that gloomy person, you never what they are actually thinking 
  • Aquarius: on/off relationship 
  • Pisces: that one person always trying to joke but has an awful sense of humour

CAPRICORN 

  • Aries: your female friend that is amazingly beautiful & kind but just doesn’t believe it and all you do is trying to build up a little confidence in her
  • Taurus: your gay best friend
  • Gemini: lovely & interesting person to spend time with without any real trust
  • Cancer: that one adorable human being you will always wonder about like: how can you be so lovely & innocent?
  • Leo: that one bitch always trying to ruin your life, making drama around you now and then
  • Virgo: that person you get along with perfectly, you understand each other without words, you absolutely love them, but you’ll always stay friends because there’s a lack of physical attraction 
  • Libra: they want you.
  • Scorpio: a fling
  • Sagittarius: that person you like somehow but it never comes to a real relationship, they seem not to notice you the right way
  • Capricorn: YOUR ONE AND ONLY SOULMATE
  • Aquarius: that annoying relative always judging you
  • Pisces: that one fake ass ex you’ll never forgive yourself dating

AQUARIUS 

  • Aries: a friend that always manages to cheer you up
  • Taurus: that lovely person you always wanted to get to know, but you have no idea how to start a conversation
  • Gemini: just… bae
  • Cancer: head up, your crown is falling. Oh wait, which crown?
  • Leo: your most beautiful friend. she’s the only one allowed to be more beautiful than you are
  • Virgo: your long-lost child
  • Libra: that one friend that lives on the other side of the world but you stay friends no matter what
  • Scorpio: a person that life always puts as an interference to you, so you end up hating them
  • Sagittarius: that one relative you never meet ‘cause they’re always travelling
  • Capricorn: that one friend that seems completely heartless to you
  • Aquarius: a bitch you’re always competing with 
  • Pisces: you fell in love with their kindness

PISCES 

  • Aries: wait… who? 
  • Taurus: that one person who protects you in difficult situations every time
  • Gemini: they seem so lovely why can’t they stop bullying me?
  • Cancer: cry buddy
  • Leo: that person with a huge heart, it isn’t obvious at first sight but you can trust them with anything
  • Virgo: future husband you will finally feel secure with 
  • Libra: they are so beautiful you can’t help falling in love with them 
  • Scorpio: gossip girl friend 
  • Sagittarius: stupid high school buddy 
  • Capricorn: your long-term love that you can’t forget 
  • Aquarius: that married guy you can’t stop wanting
  • Pisces: bestie
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          If two people are meant to be together, eventually they’ll find their way back.

                                               Do you really believe that? I do.