Neither you or Namjoon has time for one another pt.5END
It was late, and I couldn’t sleep. I’ve been thinking about him nonstop, as if he was the only person I knew how to think about - which right now seems to be the case. I’ve been lying here for hours now, thinking over and over again how stupid all this was. After what he said, I cried. Buckets and buckets of tears. He hasn’t responded to my messages that I sent to him a couple of hours ago, he’s probably busy, like he always is or maybe he just doesn’t want to reply. I guess I really was a regret to him.
My doorbell rang and I groaned, not wanting to move from my bed but I knew I had to. I ordered chicken and beer to try and drown my unhappiness away and I had to go pay. I grabbed my wallet, shoved on a hoodie putting the hood over my head to hide my ridiculously puffy red eyes and opened the door. I kept my head down as the person who stood before me stretched out his hand and dangled the plastic bag of food in front of me.
“How much is it?” My voice cracked. I swallowed hard and rummaged through my purse readying myself.
“It’s on me.” That voice - I could recognise it from anywhere. I didn’t want to lift my head, I froze and stood there not moving until I decided to take a step back wanting to close the door. But of course I couldn’t hold him off, did I even want to?
“Y/N, please.” I dropped my hands from pushing the door and took a step back. He walked in and closed the door behind him. “Y/N, why won’t you look at me?” I felt his hand underneath my chin, ready to direct my face towards his direction but I shook him off. I didn’t want him to see me, especially not like this. I looked like a train wreck, I hadn’t seen him in so long and I didn’t want to be looking this way when he saw me. I didn’t want him to see how much I was suffering because he told me what he did.
He placed the bag on the ground and took a step towards me, but I only took a step back. This process continued until my back was pressed against the wall. His right hand by the side of my head, his left inching it’s way closer towards my face until he placed it on my cheek.
“Y/N, look at me.” I hesitantly looked up at him, his eyes searching mine as if he was looking for some kind of answer, answers I probably couldn’t provide. His thumb, swiping my cheek - doing so made me realise that I was crying again. “Why are you crying?” His voice calm and soothing to my ears. But I couldn’t help let more tears fall, as if the answer wasn’t already obvious.
“Because, you don’t love me anymore.” I sounded so pathetic, why is it that I need a man in my life in order for me to gain happiness? But Namjoon wasn’t just any man. He’s someone I grew to love more and more each day throughout our six years of being together. I’ve never known to love anyone else. I’ve always only loved him, and to have someone I love so dearly regret even asking me to be theirs in the first place has put me on another level of low.
“But I do.” Our eye contact didn’t break once. I used to be able to read him like a book, but right now I had no idea. I didn’t want to believe his words, because I was afraid to but at the same time I wanted to trust him again and know what he’s saying is the absolute truth.
“I don’t know if I can believe you, no matter how much I want to.”
“Why won’t you believe me?” I could feel his breath against my skin, his breathing got heavier and the tone of his voice lowered.
“Is that really a question Namjoon? I don’t think you quite understand how I’m feeling right now.”
“But I do!” He fought back. I shook my head in disagreement.
“How could you possibly know how it feels to be told that you’re a regret by someone you love?”
“I didn’t mean it, I feel guilty about it because I never should have said those things. It was a mistake.”
“One mistake after another, how do you expect me to believe you?”
“Because you love me and I believe in you to trust me.”
“Am I easy to you? Is that why you asked me to be your girlfriend to begin with?”
“No of course not, don’t be ridiculous. It wasn’t a mistake for asking you to be mine. I’ve had the best six years of my life being with you and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.” I could feel more tears falling, my heart ached seeing him. His hand didn’t leave my face, I honestly wanted to wrap my arms around him and cry into his chest but I couldn’t move.
“You know Namjoon, not being able to see one another as often as we used to really opened up my eyes.” He swallowed hard, anticipating what I’m about say next. “It made me realise how much I love and miss you every time you’re not around, it made me cherish the time that we have together more.” His eyes gleamed, hearing the positivity.
“But I feel like I was feeling those things alone.” After I had said that, his whole face dropped. “Whenever we got the time to be next to one another, you’d still be on your phone or laptop doing work, and when I’d ask what you’re doing your reply would always be something along the lines of ‘you wouldn’t understand even if I told you’, I felt so excluded, like my presence didn’t even matter.”
“You always held a book in front of your face when I was around, so how different are we really?”
“What else was I supposed to do? And your love for literature is the same as mine, it’s an interest the both of us shared. Something we both enjoyed. Don’t you remember how we spent our first couple of dates as a couple?”
“We sat in the corner of a library, exchanged our favourite novels and we’d sit with a coffee whilst reading. Occasionally we’d look up and smile at one another. Sometimes I’d watch you read, and see your facials change depending on which part of the book you’re reading.” He remembered clearly.
“You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to relive those dates. Every time I asked to meet at the library, you’d push away the idea and suggest we hung out here, that way you could access your work. I missed the old us. I know I’ve been studying a lot lately and haven’t been able to make time either so we’re both at fault. Thinking about it more clearly, maybe we’re not meant to be.” It pained me say that, but I didn’t want to be his distraction.
“But we are meant to be, we’ve been together for six years Y/N we can’t just throw it away as if it never happened.”
“I wasn’t the one who threw it away though Namjoon. I wasn’t the one who wanted to break up. I honestly would have never wanted that.”
“Baby I’m sorry. Please give me another chance? We’ll bring back the old times hmm? I can’t be without you Y/N, you’re my everything. I always worked best around you, that’s why I always did it - and I’m sorry it made you think that I was neglecting you, but I wasn’t. It’s because I feel at peace, like I’m at home when I’m with you.”
“I asked you if you’d regret breaking up with me Namjoon, I-”
“I regret it, that’s my biggest regret. Not having you around anymore is my worst fear.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want or need to be hurt again.”
“Of course I’m sure! Baby I swear I’ll make it up to you, I’m sorry for the things that I’ve said, and I know it’d be selfish of me to ask you to erase those things that I’ve said to you, but princess please just forget those words.”
I couldn’t and didn’t want to lose him. I loved him too much to let this all go. His eyes showed desperation and that was enough for me to confirm his feelings. A smile crept onto my lips.
“God Y/N, you’re so beautiful. I’m so lucky, you know that right?” I couldn’t help but smile. I hugged him, wrapping my arms around his waist and buried my face into his chest only to have him place his hands on my shoulders and push me away. I pouted like a little kid and he smiled.
“I love you.” He said as he pressed him lips against my head.
And that concludes ‘Neither you or Namjoon have time for one another.’
Thanks for reading!