I’ll tell you a secret in plain sight: The first three years I was on Tumblr were spent trying to find a reason to keep living. I had no other audience. Offline, things were in a bad way, and the relationships I had within arms reach were more leashes than love.
Even though my main started out elsewhere, it was on Tumblr that I was able to breathe and speak clearly for what really may be the very first time. Not all of my life’s adventures were… pleasant.
And while I did redact quite a bit from my dream posts (and enjoyed calling out those people who were pissed they didn’t have 100% access), I didn’t see a reason to obscure my wooishness.
It’s not like I was going to survive the year. I just didn’t want to be immediately forgotten after… stuff.
Except I did survive the year.
And the year after.
By the time I recognized the value of the dream posts, mostly from anonymous feedback from other folk who saw something of value for themselves, the Internet had already sucked it up. The exposure was balanced by the discourse. And it was good discourse at the time. Others were looking at their dreams and using them as tools of introspection and healing. Reblog chains were making the circuit with questions and answers and different points of view and mutual acceptance that no two people sling woo the same way and that’s a beautiful thing.
Some folk did report dreaming of wandering through some of my dreamscapes. Some took it seriously and were respectful tourists (or at least what they told me was respectful). Some took it as an allegory of something they didn’t want to consciously face and thanked me for the symbols that allowed them to begin to heal. That’s cool. Boundaries were being upheld.
All it takes is one person to foul a pool.
There is still some… discussion… about his motives and what he was trying to do. I don’t give a shit what he thought he was trying to do. All that matters is he wrote himself into my history and expected me to place him on a pedestal for it.
I don’t take kindly to anyone trying to self-insert themselves into my life. Certainly not as my better. When you publicly declare yourself my master, you declare yourself my enemy, and I will do what needs be done to secure my rights.
The salting that followed is why I am distant now.
Up until then, I had treated myself as a throwaway, and posted as such. The positives (and there were some) that came out of that incident are part of what renewed my interest in not only surviving, but living.
I have something worth stealing. I want to know what that is and how to use it for myself.
If you were to compare the posts I place now against the posts from five years ago, you’d see the difference. Details are smudged or outright missing. Plot lines just drop. Sentences end weird until you realize there is something missing that you can’t infer from context. Allusions are not explained.
What he inserted himself into was already a semi-common ground by the time of his sin. I will not begrudge anyone who see themselves into my rendition of the Boneyard for the purposes of taking care of personal business. Mourn what needs to be mourned. Burn what needs to be burned. But I will not help you there.
What has been unveiled to me in the past two years is far, far more personal, intimate, and vast. To the public, it will seems like I’m still giving away overfilled plates at a public buffet. But when I compare what I am serving against what I am hoarding, my main is the equivalent of a margin of error.
I promise I’m not trying to be rude
I promise I’m not ignoring you
I promise I do actually like you
I may come off the wrong way
But it’s not my intention
I don’t enjoy small talk
I love insightful conversation
No, I’m not actually funny, I’m literally just stating what I see
Please don’t ignore me because I’m too nervous to ever text first
If you put the time into me I’ll put the time into you
“No mourners, no funerals. Another way of saying good luck. But it was something more. A dark wink to the fact that there would be no expensive burials for people like them, no marble markers to remember their names, no wreaths of myrtle and rose.”
so something I saw on twitter yesterday really bugged me. there’s people saying that the Power Rangers movie is getting way more credit than is due because of the way they handle Trini’s sexuality
ok LISTEN. It was never going to be the case of Trini yelling, “IM A LESBIAN!” or “IM BISEXUAL!” there’s no way they’d be so upfront about it. I thought the scene where she came out was nice, subtle, emotional, and I thought it was in-character how she’s still sarcastic at such a time. After all Trini is what, 15/16/17 in the movie? She’s discovering herself and doesn’t have to be 100% sure. there’s time for that
cuz get this. it’s the first movie. they’ve said there’s going to be 5-7 of them? People are acting like this is the end and we’ll never see her come to terms with this and that she’ll never label herself (though sticking to no labels is fine too of course)
The Power Rangers movie DOES deserve a round of applause for including an LGBT character, just because they didn’t go about it as directly as you would’ve liked doesn’t make it any less amazing. This is a small stepping stone you guys we’re going to see her character grow more confident throughout the franchise and it’s going to be beautiful
louis relationship with his fans is very unique and special. he constantly vocalizes how important we are in the process and manages to thank us for everything we do and that makes me feel so loved and appreciated. he always defends us and is so protective of the fandom, never failing to remind us how grateful he is. just like he said, it’s literally a teamwork between him and us.
some quick random thoughts about the last chapter:
naked guan shan is a sight to behold, and it’s not like we didn’t know since old xian loves to draw him in various states of undress (which is still hilarious to me), but d a m n, he is hella build
he also looks gorgeous in those white pants
actually he looks gorgeous full stop, like srsly sometimes i can’t believe how beautiful guan shan is, his character design is so good
guan shan looking up he tian’s horoscope is THE MOST. ADORABLE. THING. EVER. and it clearly shows that guan shan has been thinking about he tian and wants to learn more about him, wants to understand him, and im just!!!! so excited because guan shan’s feeling have been slowly shifting and turning into something more, and seeing his journey into falling in love with he tian is so breathtakingly beautiful HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL
“your partner is very tender, soft, sweet, and understanding, will look after you well” [muffled screaming] OKAY LISTEN he tian’s horoscope is making me so emo because he actually is all those things, we got to see it in the way he constantly cares about guan shan, and we didn’t really need a confirmation but im still very grateful that old xian spelled it out like this
WHAT IS HE TIAN’S ZODIAC SIGN THO @old xian you can’t have guan shan look it up and not tell us I NEED TO KNOW
….i honestly don’t want to say that guan shan was about to jerk off thinking about he tian but it sure looked like it and my brain short circuited for a while there………….
..was…………was he tian waiting on guan shan’s balcony while guan shan showered and then hiding there until he could make the perfect entrance GOD DAMMIT HE TIAN
okay but guan shan’s mom making he tian wait for guan shan in his room and he tian looking around it to learn more about guan shan and then stepping out on the balcony and turning around when he hears guan shan walking in but stopping in his track because guan shan is SHIRTLESS and that wasn’t in the plan and HE NEEDS A MINUTE idk about y'all but im considering this canon
GUAN SHAN'S RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS MOM IS BEAUTIFUL AND IM CRYING I LOVE THEM SO MUCH
i fucking knew he tian was smart as hell, and the fact that he just showed up at guan shan’s house to help him study is making me feel stuff because !!!!!!!!!! he cares!!!! about guan shan!!!! so much!!!! he wants guan shan to stay in school and succeed and be the best version of himself because, unlike she li, he knows guan shan has potential and deserves so much more than being used as a scapegoat and he tian just loves him so much IM SHOOK
(i honestly want to make an analysis about he tian vs she li so badly, i wish my brain could just work sigh)
those last three panels are just so???? cute???? i don’t know, he tian looks adorable in them and their banter feels so comfortable and light-hearted, and i just really love it (im lowkey laughing at guan shan’s punches feeling like a massage to he tian THESE DORKS)
(guan shan not looking at he tian in that third to last panel is interesting tho, i wonder if it actually means something or if im reading too much into things as usual)
i really REALLY need to see guan shan and he tian studying together and then guan shan’s mom inviting he tian to stay for dinner and the three of them just interacting with each other, it would be SO GOOD and have so much potential to learn more about he tian and guan shan @old xian IM BEGGING YOU (……am i being too greedy??)
guan shan’s mom is gonna become the number 1 tianshan shipper just wait for it