@mainhoonemily and @pbj-anonymous tagged me for the Favorite Pictures of Your Bias thing because apparently they want to see me suffer. Who can pick just a few favorite pictures of T.O.P?? Not me. That’s clearly impossible.
Seeing Dragon and Whitebeard trying to passive-aggressively out-dad each other was the most hilarious thing Sabo had ever seen.
It had started when one of their spies had reported Ace apparentely saying that his only father was Whitebeard. Sabo hadn’t thought anything of it at the time. He was well aware of his brother’s issues, after all, and claiming Dragon as a father would be a phenomenally stupid thing to do, that would put both Ace and the Revolution in danger.
He most definetely had not expected Dragon to start sending birthday gifts. Not only to Ace, but to him and Luffy as well (so they wouldn’t become jealous, he suppossed), though Ace’s embarrassed reaction had been a delight to see. Like the good brother he was, Sabo joined in on the fun and started giving gifts as well. He was a bit miffed that Luffy’s always managed to mortify Ace more than his, because he was actively trying to be embarrassing and Luffy was just being his usual oblivious self, but he suppossed that he really shouldn’t be so surprised. It was Luffy, after all.
But the most unexpected (and hilarious) reaction of all came from a whole different quarter: the Marines.
They got wind of the increased communication between the Whitebeards and the Revolutionaries, and panicked. Spectacularly.
Which, yeah, kind of understandable. A possible alliance between the Whitebeards and the Revolutionaries had to be their worst nightmare come true. The unexpected part came when they discovered that their interactions centered around, for lack of a better word, spoiling Ace. Because they procceeded to panic even worse.
All kinds of crazy (and hilarious) theories started flying around, and Sabo (and he would bet his top hat that Ace as well) almost had a heart attack when he heard the epithet “Pirate Prince” being thrown in there. Thankfully, it seemed that the one who said it was merely referring to Ace possibly being Whitebeard’s heir, and hence the Revolutionaries’ interest on him.
Then someone recognized Ace as one of Kitsune’s “babies” and the crackpot theories kicked it up another notch.
(And Sabo really shouldn’t let the idea of Kitsune drunkenly gushing about him and his brothers with accompanying “photos” made from her illussory powers make him so damn happy)
Apparentely the majority of the Corps was almost completely convinced that Ace was Dragon and Kitsune’s son (and that idea would give him gross-out shudders for decades to come, because blergh) and that Whitebeard had claimed Dragon as his son (thus making him Ace’s grandfather and an ally to the Revolution) when Garp shattered that misconception with judicious use of the Fist of Righteous Fury. His predictable explosion was followed by an explanation that Dragon was his son, Ace was Kitsune’s baby because she was his aunt, he was Ace’s only grandfather, and Whitebeard was just stealing other people’s family as usual.
Sabo liked to believe that his explanation was followed by an awkward silence after Garp realized that he wasn’t suppossed to have let slip that Dragon was his son.
The theories didn’t stop there, though (shockingly, the Marines seemed to have learned better than to take the Vice Admiral at his word) and Sabo decided to contribute to the chaos himself. It only took a call to his beloved aunt (who was also the only woman he would ever claim as his mother, and the Marines could puzzle on that until their brains fell off as far as Sabo was concerned) and she asked Sengoku, in front of the whole Corps, if he didn’t have anything to say, considering he was also part of the family. The man hummed and hawwed (and quite probably glared at Kitsune for putting him on the spot like that) but didn’t give a definite answer, which made Marineford resemble a pen for headless chickens for weeks.
Sabo smiled with probably way too much unholy glee when he called Whitebeard just as things seemed to be calming down.
He didn’t even do anything that outrageous, in all fairness. He just asked if Whitebeard would be averse to calling Garp “father” the next time he met some Marines (before the pulverizing left them deaf, of course), incidentally “confirming” the current most popular theory, that had Garp as Ace’s great-grandfather, Whitebeard as the grandfather and Dragon as the father with Kitsune as the aunt. He wasn’t sure if he’d do it (the literally earthshaking laughter could be taken either way, really), but he had a good feeling. The Commanders seemed to find the idea agreeable, though Sabo thought that he heard a sound suspiciously like Marco the Phoenix repeatedly thumping his head against the mizzen mast (he’s very familiar with that sound, but the GURARARAs made it difficult to say for certain), but it’d probabaly be fine.
After all, after claiming so much family over the years, being the one who’s claimed should be a pleasant feeling for the man. Or he might just do it to fuck with the Marines’ heads. Most people would probably say that that isn’t on Whitebeard’s character, but Sabo likes to think that he’s good at detecting kindred spirits.
Which is part of the reason why he’s now en route to meet with Law. After all, Sengoku would never disown Law or, as he likes to refer to him, “My only sensible relative - why didn’t you become a Marine - between the two of us we could rein the Monkey Ds in - it’s not a lost cause, really LAWWWWW”.
And considering that Bakainu has been literally fuming since this whole charade started, Sengoku confirming that he’s part of the Monkey D. extended family might just be enough to push him into mutiny. Kitsune has already promised to take pictures of the mutt being curbstomped by Sengoku and Garp if it really does happen.
The most beautiful thing of this whole situation is that Ace’s secret is now under iron-clad wraps, because after it finally blows over the whole Corps would probably mutiny en masse if someone had the temerity of trying to open the Pandora’s Box of Ace’s parentage again.
Not that it’s going to blow over any time soon, of course. Sabo is going to give it a little time for the results of his chat with his sorta-cousin to settle before bringing Luffy into it. Mainly because throwing Luffy into the fray will bring the most insanity by definition, and it’d be cruel and unusual not to let those poor sods get their bearings before facing his incredibly unpredictable little brother.
If they start to relax instead of preparing when the calm before the storm arrives… well, that’d be just silly, now wouldn’t it?
Sabo is determined to ignore the apprehensive looks of his comrades at his maniacal cackling. He might have been more than a little sloshed when he bet Koala that he could bring the Marine Corps to its knees with the power of love and family, but by God is he going to win that bet.
Yes, this is pure, undiluted crack… I like trollishmastermind!Sabo way too much.
characters: simon d x reader
➵ wc: 2823
summary: ‘we can keep playing these little games, but at the end of the day, we both know that i’m yours, and you’re mine.’
➵ author’s note: the amount of times i wrote simon instead of kiseok, i gave up halfway and just used the replace tool in the end. technically, the document i wrote this in was ‘simon’. hella long (but what else is new) and hella smutty. enjoy.
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