so many celebs get tumblrs and turn out to be not cool people

anonymous asked:

I'm really sad about something I don't understand and was hoping you could explain. Why do people block without giving a reason to? I don't why it first seems like it's all going so well then the next you're blocked and you don't know why or what you did or said wrong? It's happened twice now and to say it hurts is an understatement.

Oh, my precious Kabby babies.  Circle up, it’s time for some firm but gentle life advice from Mom. 

First of all, unless I personally am the person who blocked you (which I’m obviously not since we’re having this conversation!), in a very real sense the short answer to this question is that you know I can’t actually answer this question.  You’re asking me to tell you why a person I don’t know did a thing for which I have no context, and for which there could be a thousand reasons. So in a concrete, specific sense, my answer is: I do not know.

However.

(You knew there was going to be a however.)

Social media is a deeply personal avenue for self-expression and it’s also a world where many of us spend a great deal of our time, which means that we have the full and free right to customize it into exactly what we want it to be.  The things that you post are personal reflections of you, which is  why it bums you out when someone mutes or blocks or doesn’t follow back; it feels on some level like a personal rejection.  But the space you curate is also a personal reflection of you.  You have the right to post anything you want and other people have the right to choose not to see it.  Both of those rights are equal, even though you’re only on one side so naturally the other one feels like it’s in some way “wrong.”  

I’m speaking with zero context for what your preexisting relationship with these people was beforehand (like obviously if it was a close friend and they blocked you out of nowhere, you’re going to have to sort that out with them directly, I can’t advise you there), but it’s important to remember that there may be no “right” and wrong” in this scenario.  It’s fully possible for both of these things to peacefully coexist at the same time:

1) your absolute right to feel a little bit rejected and hurt that a stranger on the internet made the choice that they didn’t want your social media sphere to overlap with their social media sphere,

and

2) that other person’s absolute right to say “if something or someone makes me feel even the tiniest bit ‘nope’ I am purging it out of this space so it is exactly what I want and need it to be.” 

They don’t need to have a reason.  That sucks, when you’re on the receiving end of it, which all of us have been - it truly and genuinely sucks - but it’s also reality.  One of the hard truths that incidents like this make us sometimes have to face - and we don’t want to face these things, because they can feel really icky and vulnerable and ping all the little gremlins in our brain  - is this:

nobody on the internet owes you their time or attention for anything you do or say.

This sounds mean and brutal, and I don’t mean it to be, because you know mom loves you, but it’s incredibly important, so I’m going to say it again to make sure that if nothing else, this gets through:

nobody on the internet owes you their time or attention for anything you do or say.

The celebs you stan don’t owe you a response to your tweet, just because you want one.  The people you tag in meta don’t owe you reblogging it to continue having that conversation with you forever, just because you want to prove you’re right.  The fans of the fic you write for your most popular ship don’t owe you crossing over to give you hits on your rare-pair fic if they don’t feel like it.  Nobody owes you a certain number of followers, nobody owes you a response to every anon you send them, nobody owes you finishing that fic you like in time for them to read it when they feel like reading it.  We owe each other one thing and one thing only: basic human decency.  That’s it.  Everything else is freely offered to the world, and freely taken by the people who want it.  It’s not a transactional exchange.  If you make art or write fic and you put it out there into the world, you’ve done a cool thing, and whether it gets ten hits or thousands it was still worth doing.  There will be people who aren’t interested, but if you get hung up on feeling rejected by that, it will paralyze you.

Social media is personal. That’s unavoidable.  It’s an extension of ourselves.  When someone is cruel to you or to one of your friends on the internet, even if it’s an anonymous stranger, it feels shitty.  When you express an opinion about something and a ton of people reblog it and the tags are full of “OMG YES THISSSSS”, it feels great.  We all experience that in different ways.  Society has always selected arbitrary measures for young girls and women to live up to in order to feel like they’re popular or they’re approved by the cool kids, and right now it’s things like “how many followers do you have” and “did you get an RT from a celebrity” and “how many likes on your posts”.  So on a primal level, maybe having someone you thought was a friend block you on Twitter or Tumblr hits you in the same deep core place as having the cool kids not come to your birthday party.  That feeling is super real!  It brings up alllllll that deep stuff we try to hide and pretend that we’re above experiencing, but we all have those squishy vulnerable inner selves that just need the cool kids to like us and we feel bad when they don’t.  

I had this exact conversation with my therapist a few weeks ago when she was giving me a hard time because my book has 60 reviews on Amazon, of which like the majority are 5 stars with two negative ones, and I have both the negative ones like memorized.  And she was like “CLAIRE.  WHAT THE HELL.  WHY DO YOU DO THIS?  58 POSITIVE AND YOU CANNOT QUOTE A SINGLE ONE.  TWO SHITTY ONES AND YOU KNOW THEM VERBATIM.  THAT IS NOT HEALTHY BEHAVIOR.”  And I was like “… . okay fine when you put it that way, yes I do sound like a crazy person.”  So like my advice to you – advice which I have just proven I am absolute garbage at taking myself, so like I may have just eroded my own credibility in my efforts to help – is to remember that you probably have a lot more than two followers so honestly this is probably not a bad collective ratio, and there may be lots of people who are very interested in what you have to say but you’ve focused a lot of your energy on these two people and it’s worth giving some thought as to why that is.

My question for you is this: what is the net negative impact of having these two people block you on social media? Like in an actual, concrete way, separate from those sort of core gut “I feel unloved in this moment” feelings, what is the effect on your life?  You might be surprised.  It might be zero.  In which case, let yourself feel those feelings, experience them as valid, and then breathe through them and move on and keep on doin’ you. 

I’m pushing back on you a little bit here very gently because it feels, reading this anon, like you’ve made a determination of hurtful intent on the part of the person who blocked you, or at the very least a certainty that this choice that made was about you and not about them.  That the fact that things seemed to be going fine and then they blocked you means you were somehow intentionally misled or mistreated.  Be really, really, really careful about deciding the cool girl didn’t come to your birthday party because she’s a bitch who wanted to make you feel terrible and is sitting somewhere cackling at the thought of your sad lil’ face waiting by the front door; maybe she didn’t come to your birthday party because she has depression and it’s hard for her to leave the house sometimes and she knew your party would be loud and wild and crazy and too much for her brain to handle right now. Be careful about presuming negative intent with no proof it exists.  The internet makes this so easy, the internet conditions us for this, and it conditions us to respond in kind. The worst thing you could do here is to, like, make a callout post or subtweet in the hopes that it will get back to them and they’ll feel bad, or to sic your other followers onto them, because that turns this into a situation that really does have a right and wrong; and since you don’t know if they were trying to make you feel shitty, or just went on a big block/mute purge to whittle their list down for mental health reasons that are totally their own, once things escalate you can’t put the horse back in the barn. It’s too late.  Now it’s A Thing, when maybe it never really needed to be A Thing.  And in almost all situations for almost all people in almost all ways, Kabby Mom’s advice is going to be, “please think carefully before you make this A Thing.”

This got long, I’ve been having a lot of thoughts lately about the conversations I’m always having with fandom folks the way we let social media permeate and shape our sense of self, in good ways and bad, so I apologize for my verbosity but also not really because that’s how things roll over in Kabby Mom’s Advice Corner.  But I will sum up in bullet points for those of you who have been skimming, to bring you up to speed:

  1. Everyone has the right to curate their own social media space however they see fit, and they don’t have to explain their reasons.
  2. They aren’t obligated to include you in that space even if you want them to.
  3. None of that is an objective measure of your worth as a person or a sign that you should stop being you on the internet.
  4. Your feelings of rejection come from a real place and you get to feel them, as long as
  5. You are striving to move through them without permitting them to paralyze you, and finally
  6. You never use someone else’s choice to curate their social media sphere as a justification for treating them like crap.

Focus on your positive interactions instead of negative ones – your friends, creating stuff and putting it out into the universe – whether it be art, fic, opinions, a podcast, gifsets, crackposts, whatever – and your social media world will be a better place.

In the immortal words of the great Michael J. Fox, “What other people think of me is none of my business.”

I feel like people genuinely forget how long Taylor Swift has been in the public eye, and how many different reasons it’s been cool/popular to hate her for. Ironically, it seems like valid critiques never stick around or actually get discussed, bc it’s more fun and easier I guess to just be like ‘well she’s a monster why talk about her as a human being.’

I feel like people forget how young she was when she started, and the fucking cesspool any female celeb has to crawl through. The longer they manage to stay successful, the worse it gets. Anything they do gets ripped apart and laughed at and mocked and turned into currency.

At this point it’s like people don’t even think of Taylor as human. It makes me really sad and uncomfy. Just because someone is a celeb it suddenly becomes okay to say really gross things about them.

I’m not talking about measured critique (although I do have a bit of an issue with the way we try to turn people into moral compasses just because they have success. She’s a singer, not a philosopher, and while obviously she has the same ability to be good and bad as any human, the large-scale idolizations of celebrities just ends up reinforcing and justifying capitalism, in addition to encouraging people to objectify and dehumanize celebreties through the pedestal/outcast model of ‘love’.) I’m talking about vitriol, about people talking about Taylor as if she is an object for consumption. Something to vent rage on or take pleasure from but never to consider as a person, a human being.

The way this assault case has been talked about makes me very uncomfortable, as does the ‘Famous’ stuff. Like I said at the time, I understand why Kanye and Kim did what they did. I don’t really blame any of the three of them. They’re all trying to exist in this massively fucked up space where morality is doubly discouraged. Celebrities are both free to do whatever they like, and criticized and belittled no matter what they do. It is incredibly difficult to make moral decisions in a space like that, especially for everyone who is dealing with another crosscutting type of oppression like racism or misogyny (or both).

A lot of the response to Taylor’s latest single has made me deeply uncomfortable because it seems to come from a place of dehumanization. Articles painting Taylor as some sort of unknowable cultural force with no feelings, no internal reality. Talking about her as if she is not a person at all, just a collection of tricks and manipulation.

The way people have responded to the song in fandom spaces/on Tumblr makes me even more uncomfortable, because I think so much of it illustrates the entire point in LWYMMD.

There is nothing she can do that she will not be condemned for. Nothing.

Personally, I have no desire to engage with a space that treats celebrities as inhuman. As objects. I don’t think it’s acceptable to mock someone or dismiss their personhood, no matter how famous they are or what they have done. If you don’t like Taylor or don’t want to engage with her, that’s perfectly fine. If you want to point out issues you have with her behavior or ethics in a reasoned and respectful way, that’s fine.

What I take issue with is the easy way people slide into cruelty with celebrities in general and Taylor in particular. The way suddenly nothing is out of bounds or off limits. The way basic decency is no longer a requirement.

I don’t believe that those things (compassion, decency, kindness, respect) are discardable. I believe those are basic human rights. It terrifies me seeing people that otherwise are compassionate and kind so easily abandon those values.
I know this will probably sound silly and foolish to a lot of people, and maybe it is. But in my worldview, even a person’s worst enemy still deserves to be treated as a human being.

I don’t know how to make this clearer, honestly. For me, it’s that I believe even the smallest actions matter. I want to lead with kindness, always. Looking at the terrible cruelty human beings are capable of, I don’t want to engage in that or give in to that, even in a way that seems harmless or small. The casual way people vent their rage on celebrities will never stop making me sad and uncomfortable.

Maybe you don’t think this matters. Maybe you don’t think that the way you treat people who feel so large and powerful can still hurt. And maybe it doesn’t. But seriously, please think about what it does to you, yourself. Think about what engaging in this objectification does to your sense of right and wrong. Think about what you’re saying about some stranger on the internet, and imagine saying it to someone you respect as human.

People are capable of new heights of cruelty with the advent of internet anonymity, and to me, this is part of that. Part of being a moral person is considering the impact your actions have: on yourself, and on others.

Please really think about what kinds of values you are aligning yourself with by using Taylor as a target for ‘acceptable’ sexism and objectification. Please really think about the way you’re discarding values you fight for in other cases, because this time it ‘doesn’t matter’. This time, it’s okay to treat her as an inhuman monster, because she’s ‘just a celebrity.’

🏊 dan's younow january 5, 2016 🏊

read on google drive with links

-HARU PILLOW IS BACK.
-opening his laptop at the start of the show is probably not going away deal with it
-happy new year
-here we are a brand new year
-no restraint on eating this christmas
-it was good and fine
-his phone is cracked as hell
-he used tethering to get internet when he went to his parents’ for christmas
-he thought the phone case was blocking some of the signal just in that moment so he took it off then right then was when the screen broke
-he also left the case at his parents’ house
-he’s been watching blue exorcist
-talking about his current header
-sad thing is that he can’t pick them all
-“what is that pillow?” *points at the black pillow next to the haru pillow*
-he’s not fixing his bed
-radiohead is really great and spectre is really good
-he closed the lid to his piano after all this time because he found out that’s why it’s always dusty
-he meant to refilm a christmas video from last year but he realized he didn’t really wanna make it
-he’s been in an emotional and mental coma since the end of corpse
-he thought he looked like he was dying or something in december because everyone who met them told them to get rest
-lbr everyone moderately fails new years resolutions
-he always has a long think about life every new year
-school is really horrific and he is sorry to all of the people in school now
-he’s having some time just to think now
-he’s gonna make a new video some time soon
-the video he was going to make at the end of the year was going to be reflectiony but he was a crusty sponge
-last year only one got him excited for kanye’s new album
-last year was pretty cool for kanye
-but lately it’s been gettin kinda Eh
-he hopes swish is good
-should he film a one shot of his Train Story and put it on his side channel or should he tell it in a liveshow
-don’t be disappointed in him if it doesn’t happen
-he just worries a lot
-he was proud of his photoshop skills in his christmas icon
-he was going to keep it til like february to piss us off then the senpai header happened
-his family’s dog is really great
-his name is colin
-he’s so well behaved even more than his first dog
-very cuddly and amazing dog
-he would get a dog but so much commitment
-he’s very impulsive
-he needs to change so many things
-he needs to research some graphic design his brand sucks
-he needs to fix his tumblr
-he played a load of age of empires (specifically the 3rd one)
-he’s mainly in it to build the town and arrange all the houses
-it’s very therapeutic and relaxing
-he had a good christmas
-he’s obsessed with condiments
-he loves tastes. He’s into food. Get over it
-there’s boxes full of tour gifts behind him
-us tour is happening but still in planning because they’re Self Producing
-phil forgot to turn the heating on so its cold
-it was 12 degrees inside the house
-psychology and geography were the worst for him
-but psychology was worse
-he hates memory tests it’s bs
-essays show more about intelligence than memory tests
-it shows that you paid attention in the lesson and that you can remember things
-you don’t really need to remember fact things in the Real World
-you just use wikipedia
-what is Good Music
-he didn’t break his resolution yet
-which is tweeting more
-if you wanna do something don’t tell everybody you’re gonna do it just go for it
-or else you’re gonna procrastinate it
-he has a self-imposed “quality threshold” in his main channel videos
-the threshold is so intense barely anything gets through
-and twitter went the same way for him
-he spent a lot of time thinking through how to tweet things
-he’s trying hard to stop that and Just Tweet
-he didn’t really like what he heard of trivium’s new album so far
-he hasn’t listened fully to the tame impala album and he needs to do that
-pusha t’s new album is really amazing
-he has so much to listen to so little time
-mini rant about not knowing why celebs do things sometimes
-phil doesn’t like it when sports anime turns into just sport but dan enjoys it
-he loved the new sherlock
-in comparison to last season
-there’s lots of songs he likes on blue neighborhood
-bite is his favorite production
-he liked its simplicity
-he’d love to hear more songs by him like that
-making a murderer is really good
-but he’s not going to have his life ruined by it
-he hasn’t been keeping up with doctor who
-he has an ever flowing list of goals but not really resolutions
-he’s seen the new star wars twice
-the premiere was incredible
-the audience was really amazing too because it was all the cast and crew etc
-when there’s a good audience it improves the movie
-he loved it but the story could’ve been better
-but he loved it
-when he saw it in imax he was sat next to a little girl and it was amazing to see things from a child’s perspective
-it brought back some of that childhood awe
-it was interesting
-small talk about inclusivity in movies
-he became star wars trash
-he watched the back to the future movies with phil and they were amazing
-yesterday was a good radio show
-sorry about the BBC not working for the christmas thing
-he wants to have big and exciting plans for the year
-let’s see how Dramatically our lives change this year
-he’s not gonna stop playing all star on the radio
-he’s gonna go because he’s hungry
-probs liveshow next week
-have a great week and happy 2016

MY COMIC CON RECAP WITH SOME ADDITIONAL DETAILS SO I DON’T LOSE THEM FROM MY MIND. (HERE IS MY OTHER RECAP FROM PHILLY COMIC CON TOO.)

FRIDAY

  • J. August Richards was the nicest freaking man. I gave him the same poster I gave Mackie at Philly CC, and man, he LOVED it. He even said he was seeing Don Cheadle later this month (WHY???? AGENTS OF SHIELD AND WAR MACHINE? ANOTHER PROJECT? I NEED TO KNOW!!!!) and that he’d give my print to him if I sent him another. So. That happened. Also that night I ran into him at the hotel and we chatted for a good 15 minutes just about life. He was incredibly sweet and curious and genuinely seemed to care about my word vomiting–we ended up chatting about L.A. and socioeconomic disparity and how excited he is to meet the dude from Hannibal. And his social media person Jacqui is PHENOMENAL, we chatted at the hotel the next morning too, about the need for PoC representation in the media! Amazing woman. Amazing client. Love them both.
  • Karl Urban signed a pic for my friend. When I told him it wasnt for me, he said “Bless. You’re a good friend.” He was kind, gentle, funny, had a delicious accent, and his handlers were the coolest people on Earth. Karl signed photos with semi-personalized messages, too! He said he was SO excited to start filming on movie 3 in the reboot franchise. And as I was leaving, he said, “You look great by the way.” (I was wearing this.) Here’s a pic of our meeting!
  • This photo with Karl happened—behold. He had the same expression in almost every pic he took that day (I know, I looked at the table, lmao) except mine, and that’s a point of pride! I asked for our best Bones’ faces and he complied. Also, he’s so fucking tall and broad and he smells like leather and sunshine.

SATURDAY

  • I dressed up like this.
  • J. August Richards and I got a pic together. He was like, “Hi again!” And I was like, “I’m so sorry I’m a weirdo stalker. Lmao.
  • Also in that link is a pic of the autograph I got from Karl. I decided to go back to his table for my own signed pic, and like a doofus I forgot to bring the photo we took, so I just grabbed my fave from his table. He asked me about my day, we talked about Teach for New Zealand, he called Sebastian Stan and Anthony Mackie ‘handsome men’ and then he shook my hand and said it was nice talking to me. Goodbye, dead and gone.
  • I GOT MY PICTURES WITH SEB AND MACKIE. Here’s an account of that, because I cannot recap it any better than I did the day of.
  • THEN I MET SEBASTIAN
  • AND I MET ANTHONY
  • AND IT WAS AWESOME. JUST WATCH THE VIDEOS. For a transcript of each video (including one from Sunday) click here.
  • Sebastian was super rushed, and kind of distracted as a result, but I also dropped the ball conversationally so we had a lull, but HE REMEMBERED MY NAME and also, lol, he blinked at the Captain Rum picture. And Mackie–well. Watch the video. 

SUNDAY

  • Here’s the follow up to the Anthony Mackie video, lol. Talk about a comedown. But you know what no one can ever take away from me? Anthony Mackie saying "Write down your number.” So. There’s that! :)
  • More photo ops with Seb! A little background: I am 4"9. So it’s REALLY hard to do the cutesy poses other girls can do–cheeks smushed against him, romantic nose nuzzles, the whole nine yards. The closest I came was in Philly, when he sunk his body around me like a warm coat and held my hands in his. So this time, I decided to go with funny. I wanted something cheeky and cute. First of all, when I walked in, I’M NOT KIDDING WHEN I SAID WE MADE EYE CONTACT LIKE FIFTEEN TIMES BEFORE MY PIC. Literally after every pic, he’d glance up at me and HOLD EYE CONTACT to the point where I was super self-conscious that he was like, “Why is she here again?” But when I walked up to him, he grabbed my elbow, and said, “Hey!” I said, “Hey! Are there any poses YOU want to do?” And he makes a thinky-face before sighing and making an exaggerated whiny, “I DON’T KNOWWWW.” (Nerd, I love him, oh gosh.) So I said, “Okay, sexy vampires?” DON’T ASK ME WHY, I think I was thinking of how often people call him a sexy vampire. Idk. And here’s what came out. I had one more opp, so I asked, “Okay, can we flex?” Because, ngl, I’ve been working out and am proud of my guns. So he smiles, gets right behind me, makes this face, and flexes. VOILA! I don’t even remember leaving, except I remember him smelling like mint gum and cologne and being soft, and his hand in mine squeezing as I left. Sigh.
  • THE PANEL! It was awesome, so many gems, of which you can find on Youtube. Not mine, because I took lots of pics of their faces. I’ll be adding pics as I upload them, so watch this space for updated links. Here’s a few: x x
  • MEETING SEB ONE LAST TIME. Here’s the video. He was awesome–again, super rushed, but REALLY trying hard to make it personal for everyone. I talked over him so much I’m so mad at myself, but if you listen, you can hear some awesome gems. And as I left, he literally STOPPED WHAT HE WAS DOING, turned to me, looked me straight in the eyes and said, “See you soon?” My friend Sam #confirms that this happened, she was taking pics the whole time!
  • Seb signing my Weiner Soldier shirt.
  • I asked for a picture with him, of me wearing the shirt, and even though he was busy signing (and I felt TERRIBLE) he stopped, leaned over, and CHEESED IT SO HARD. I was terrified I had overstepped bounds and been annoying (I hate the idea of always asking celebs for selfies) but he looks so genuinely happy in this pic, and his hand squeezed my shoulder and his thumb rubbed into my neck and it was worth asking, it really was. Like aside from my normal thirst for him and Mackie, I just felt so happy around them both at all times this weekend, even when I was anxious. So they really made the experience for me.

In conclusion, this weekend was SO SO SO WORTH IT. I’m paying off debt till January now, but again–WORTH IT. I’m so glad to have gone and met so many amazing Tumblr people and had such a cool experience. Thanks everyone for all the kind words and even listening–I know it gets annoying hearing about someone else’s experiences, so it means a lot that you’ll share this with me. :**