I stepped out of my two year old marriage and committed a sin: I cheated my wife.
I don’t know how it happened.
Yes, I had always been a flirt but I never thought I would hurt someone so bad. The strange thing that happened is that I actually fell out of love with my wife and fell for the ‘other’ girl—I fell so hard that I’m yet to get over her.
It was not a fling.
Yes, it involved a lot of physical intimacy but it was something very intense; there came a point when I was ready to sacrifice my marriage, my family and even my job just to be with her. When the time arrived to take a stern call, she kind of took a back step and I got restless. I became violent and ended up raising my hands to her at my workplace (she was a colleague). Things escalated; I chose to resign immediately to avoid embarrassment.
It’s been one year since this happened, and here I am: all alone. I have divorced. I have lost track of my career. I’ve lost my smile. I’ve lost her—perhaps she never wanted to genuinely be with me, I don’t know. She was in touch with her ex all this while when she knew how possessive I was of her. Yes, karma hit me back and faster than I could realize; she was cheating on me while I was fighting my own family to be with her.
Above all, I have lost my faith in love and it has more to do with my guilt and lack of confidence in myself. I feel I don’t understand what love is about. I feel I ’ll end up cheating on someone again if I commit to a relationship. I feel I ’ll get cheated on. I feel I don’t have that thing in me where I would be able to live for others. I feel I am too self centered. My wife used to tell me the same: selfish and self centered. I avoid people. I avoid friendships. I don’t know where I am heading with my life.
I am sharing all of this just to understand myself better and probably just to reach out to those who are cheating someone right now:
STOP. If you are thinking of cheating in a relationship, don’t do it. Don’t break her/his heart. It’s a thrill for you but this thrill of yours will shatter her/him completely beyond your understanding. She/he will not be able to love anyone fully again. Don’t play with her/his tender heart. Go and confess what you have been doing and promise to remain faithful for life. If she/he truly loves you, you will have see tears rolling down at your confession but you might be able to save three precious lives.
gif art by Rafael Yap