so i made this a meme it was a long time in coming

📢LISTEN 📢 UP📢 ARMYS📢 HERE ARE 23 UNDERRATED  RAP MONSTER TRACKS THAT YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY CHECK OUT

*there are way more namjoon tracks but this list was getting too long* *just peep his mixtape and soundcloud*

1. Rap Monster by Rap Monster

This is Namjoon’s take on “look at me now” by Chris Brown and a.k.a the first ever song to be represented by Bangtan Sonyeondan as it was the first ever track on BTS’s official soundcloud.

This is an introduction to Rap Monster as an artist and a lit track. This shit was a bop!


2. Too much by Rap Monster

This song is extremely meaningful and Namjoon’s voice sounds breathtaking. This was Namjoon’s reflection of the B-free incident. He mentions how he shouldn’t take B-free’s hate to his heart and not to over think criticism. In the beginning he sounds really hurt but omg towards the end he is going hard, and it gives me old school rap vibes.

3. Unpack your bags by Rap Monster

This song is a huge middle finger to the underground rap community who looks down on idol rappers. This was a collab with the show 4 things where he mentions how hard it was him to pursue hip hop. He mentioned 4 struggles he faced in the industry. Check out the episode, the show also shows how he interacts with his producers and Bang PDnim and this was where the really famous “ Solo, or Bangtan” moment was born. We really got to know Namjoon as an artist personally and his teenage days.This is complimented with a really cute music video.

4. P.D.D (Please Don’t Die) by Rap Monster

This is a track where he collabed with Warren G  prior to his mixtape in L.A and this gives me chills because of that prominent West Coast feel. Check out the MV and the naver behind the scenes.

5. Something by Rap Monster (a.k.a my all time favourite song I don’t know why tbh)

HOLY SHIT THIS SONG TAKES ME WAY BACK! I feel as if nowadays the producers really autotune Namjoon’s singing voice and make it really shaky but hear you can prominently really hear his singing skills and It is such a sexy love song. It really gives your romantic feels and reflects on a sad teenage love story.

6. Where u At by Rap Monster


THIS IS SUCH A MEANINGFUL SONG. 

Here we have high school Namjoon talking about how school has gotten the best of him. In a culture where education and status are everything, he talks about letting his parents down and confessing to his relatives about his future in Hip-Hop. Its an extremely relatable track where you think about where you want to head in the future.

7. Favourite Girl by Rap Monster

This is such a cute fuckboy song omg Namjoon’s voice is so cute in this. Young love amirite.

But I have a secret meme with this song. In 6th grade I accidentally blasted this and my teacher started singing along to it since the chorus is in english and ever since my friends have been taunting me with this song.

8. Monterlude by Rap Monster

The instrumental to this was included in the Skool Luv Affair album. This is in english and this is such a cute love song. Namjoon would spoil his girlfriend omg.

9. Promethus by Yankie feat Rap Monster

Namjoon teamed up with some popular K-rappers and his verse in this made my pussy drop BUT EVERYONE IN THIS SONG DID SO AMAZING THIS IS SUCH A TURNT SONG I WAS JAMMING TOO HARD

This song is based off of the seven sins and Namjoon plays lust..ofc.

He uses some sick korean wordplay.


10. Bucku Bucku by MFBTY feat Rap Monster

MFBTY are already korean hip hop legends and the fact that such “old” and wise rappers decided to have Namjoon feature is an honor. 

He also had a little role in another one of their mvs here

11.   PRIMARY (프라이머리) - U (Feat. Kwon Jin Ah 권진아, Rap Monster 랩

This song is really relaxing and I love Primary’s beats and Kwon Jin Ah’s soothing voice, But Namjoon’s soothing rap was so sexy. It was just so hot omg.

12. Awakening by Rap Monster from his mixtape

This song was from his mixtape which you absolutely need to check out and I suggest you see his other music videos such as the legendary Do You  and Joke.

This song was extremely powerful and eye opening. Just ready the lyrics and you will know why.

“In  the moment of my failure
will someone hold my hand?
in the moment when I come down from the stage
will that person be next to me?
just tell me that I can survive
in this cold world, just feel my vibe
every night inside me I quietly fight with myself
my heart pounds, my colleagues stab me in the back
while saying that I became a moron after joining a company
yeah fuck you I’m an idol, yeah yeah I’m an idol
at one time I hated it but now I love to get that title”

13. I believe by Rap Monster

Extremely uplifting and it brings you a huge amount of self-confidence, its a self-loving song and its a self reminder to always believe in yourself no matter how much you fall. Also has a little appearance from Jimin.

14. God Rap By Rap Monster

This song talks about Namjoon being an athiest but also has a message for believers. It talks about controlling your own life and to be your own idol. It says how you have the power of god in you and how you are extraordinary.

15. Throw Away by Rap Monster

HOLY CRAP THIS SONG IS EXTREMELY LIT
THIS IS SUCH A BOP
OMG THIS ALWAYS HAS ME JUMPING 
CHECK OUT THE LIVE TOO

“got an automatic dick”

16. Rush by Rap Monster feat Krizz Kaliko also from his mixtape

Funny story this is how they got together and created this lit korean meets american rap track.

Namjoon goes really hard in this, check it out!

17. Drifting by Rap Monster also from his Mixtape

This song has a theme that goes with “Reflection” and “Always”, He says how his thoughts are drifting and how feels lost (almost like the track lost in wings). Its put you in a trance where you, yourself starts to think about where you are in life and what purpose you have. 

18. Life by Rap Monster from his mixtape

This song got me tripping because Namjoon is a lyrical genius. The amount of questions this song got me saying is insane. Just read.

“ the little me inside myself was always lonely
why is there no opposite word of loneliness?
could it be because people, until they die, have no moments of not being lonely?
it’s necessary to seek a moment to be alone
yeah that’s a life
we live inside danger
through the reward that makes us able to see this beautiful world “


were we born to die, were we born to live
are we living to die, or are we dying to live
the nametag with my name on it, is that my life?
or is it death

who knows…

life, fall in love
life receives injuries from us and
is lonely because of the wind and
we wanna be right
but always wrong
were we born to be wrong?
is life something like that?
(in the end, for our whole lives we don’t know what tomorrow will be)”

19. Monster by Rap Monster from his mixtape

“R TO THE M IMMA MOTHERFUCKING MONSTER”


20. Joke. (you should probably know this)

I really did’nt want to include this because his 2 most famous tracks are Do you and Joke and I wanted to keep this list to the underrated but tbvh I was really surprised when I figured out that people don’t know this track.

HONESTLY IF YOU TELL ME NAMJOON DOESNT HAVE RAP FLOW OR CANT RAP FAST WATCH THIS FUCKING VIDEO>

In this track he said how he is mocking rappers who only have good flow but no sense of meaningful lyrics. 

The lyrics in this song make no sense but the rap flow is too damn good. WHEN WATCHING THIS YOU WILL BE LIKE HONEY PLEASE BREATHE. HE RAPS SO FAST.

PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS MASTERPIECE> HE GOES SO HARD HE TRUELY IS A MONSTER

21. DO YOU BY RAP MONSTER ( (you should also probably know this)

In this track he talks about how at a young age society tells us what to be, how to look, what to wear, how to behave. He says fuck whatever they say and just do you.

Originally posted by jjungkook

22. Fantastic by Rap Monster (from fantastic four)

I heard that fantastic four was shit but Namjoon got a chance to do a song for a movie which is a big deal for bangtan so WHOO


23. Illest Bitch

A really cute confession from Namjoon going through Puberty

Originally posted by ksjknj

Bee Movie is on netflix so I watched the whole thing

  • Bees in the movie live in a western-human-style society, complete with two-parent households and college etc, but they still make constant jokes about what bee societies are like in real life
  • References are made at the beginning of the film to the fact that bees have very short life spans and the main bee characters in the movie are expecting to live for another week at most, but then the movie itself takes place over several weeks or possibly months and they don’t seem to age or die
  • yes. yes, the bee presumably fucks the human woman
  • she’s, like, into him, sexually
  • I know that the weirdness of that is like a central part of why this movie has become a meme but listen: you can’t understand how truly off-putting that whole plot point is until you’ve actually watched it play out in front of your own eyes
  • the woman is married, too, so like, she has an emotional affair with a bee that drives her husband away in a scene where she tells him that “he’s the nicest bee I’ve met in a long time,” implying that she’s, like, known other bees on a personal level, to which he responds, “what are you talking about?” and you think he’s going to point out the obvious absurdity of her statement but instead he continues with, “are there OTHER bugs in your life?!”
  • all the bees are heavily coded as Jewish, and there’s a scene where Jerry Seinfeld’s bee parents are like, “do you have a girlfriend? I hope she’s bee-ish! She’s not a wasp, is she?” because… you know… wasp… WASP… get it
  • there is a Bee Larry King, who is played by Larry King and is, like, literally Larry King but a bee
  • did I mention that in the bee’s society, all the bees choose/are assigned honey-production jobs that they will work every day until they die, except like, there is evidence that other jobs exist - there is bee television, for instance, which would presumably require like, bee camera crews and bee producers and bee actors etc etc, so like, which bees are working those jobs? how does that work??
  • apparently in the world of this movie all you have to do to sue the entire human race is mail a letter
  • the whole court case comes down to the fact that no human being who isn’t a bee keeper has ever heard of a bee smoker and they all find it barbaric and horrifying
  • bee smokers in this world contain, like… nicotine and tar? like all the ingredients of actual commercial cigarettes? 
  • beekeepers in this world all hate bees, there is a scene where two beekeepers are making conversation with each other and their whole conversation is just about how much they hate bees, interspersed with manic cackling
  • instead of deliberating and coming back with a verdict the jury concludes the court case by just chanting “FREE THE BEES!” until the judge yells, “I FIND IN FAVOR OF THE BEES!!!!” 
  • AND THAT ISN’T EVEN THE END OF THE MOVIE there’s still like 20 minutes of plot I just
  • I can’t go on, I’m sorry
  • I may never be the same

based on this suggestions blog.  warning:  these are pretty dark/angry  &  could be triggering to some people.  please be cautious before proceeding!!

‘  all i want in my life is for my friends to be able to touch me suddenly  &  me to not flinch away without meaning to.  when will this stop affecting me?  ’
‘  all i want is to be soft  &  gentle,  but i’m made out of steel  &  anger.  maybe in another life,  i guess.  ’
‘  beauty is in the eye of the beholder,  so choose to see beauty in everything.  ’
‘  burning it all to the ground  &  force them to start again.  they made you lose everything.  now return the favor.  ’
‘  do i ever even cross your mind or do i do all the thinking of us on my own?  ’
‘  do you trust me enough?  do you trust me at all?  ’
‘  don’t you dare abandon me.  ’
‘  even after all you have done,  i will always want you fighting on my side.  ’
‘  every time i see you smile i fall in love with your brightness all over again.  ’
‘  everyone i have ever loved is long gone.  i sing to the sky alone.  ’
‘  everyone i touch gets hurt,  but i can’t stop.  i touch  &  i touch  &  i touch  &  people get hurt.  why can’t i ever stop?  ’
‘  everyone says i used to be a hero,  but i can still taste the blood in my mouth  &  still feel bruises blooming because of my fists  &  my eyes are still stretched wide  &  terrified.  ’
‘  everything i love has been taken from me.  what do i have left to fight for?  ’
‘  fall in love with someone that makes you feel strong.  ’
‘  friends are more important than any material object will ever be.  ’
‘  i am aching to hold you  &  keep you safe,  to be pressed against you so that nothing can harm you.  ’
‘  i am divine  &  you will bow before me.  ’
‘  i am fucking divine.  ’
‘  i am in control  &  i listen to no one.  ’
‘  i am not a good person.  don’t pretend i am.  ’
‘  i am not accustomed to love.  this is a learning experience.  ’
‘  i am not worth saving  &  i am not worth redemption.  let me stay in the dark.  ’
‘  i am so tired all the time,  all i want to do is rest.  ’
‘  i am too tired to deal with any of this.  ’
‘  i bow to no man.  ’
‘  i broke into sharp pieces when i broke  &  i expect someone else to hurt their hands on my edges just to put me back together.  i’m sorry.  ’
‘  i can give you your wings back  &  i can show you to fly once more,  if you only believe in me.  ’
‘  i cannot be saved.  ’
‘  i can’t ask for help because if i ask for help it hurts people.  i can bear this weight on my own.  i have to.  ’
‘  i could taste the lies in your mouth every time i kissed you,  but i loved you too much to notice.  ’
‘  i crave affection in the simplest way.  ’
‘  i deserve to hurt.  i deserve to bleed.  ’
‘  i didn’t ask for any of this so don’t you dare blame this on me.  ’
‘  i don’t care if you say my name like it’s poison or like it’s a prayer,  as long as it leaves your lips.  ’
‘  i don’t fight for you anymore.  ’
‘  i don’t want to let go of you.  not now,  not ever.  ’
‘  i don’t want to talk about it.  i don’t want to remember.  i don’t want to heal.  all i want is for it to go away.  ’
‘  i don’t want you to touch me.  please don’t touch me,  just go away.  ’
‘  i feel anger deeper than my bones.  i feel anger in my very soul.  ’
‘  i feel nothing at all,  except for when i feel everything all at once.  ’
‘  i have fallen  &  though i may miss the sky,  i belong here now.  ’
‘  i have fallen from a height your mind cannot even imagine.  ’
‘  i have no home anymore.  ’
‘  i remember collapsing in the flames with a sword in my hand  &  then i remember nothing.  ’
‘  i see beauty in everything,  but especially in you.  ’
‘  i should never have fallen in love with you.  ’
‘  i thought for a long time that i was so terrible no one would look at me.  now i know it’s because i shine so bright they are forced to look away.  ’
‘  i was so caught up in the feeling that i forgot how to breathe.  ’
‘  i will never amount to anything.  i am a failure in the worst type of way.  ’
‘  i will tell myself that the burn of my loneliness in my chest completes me  &  maybe someday it will be true.  ’
‘  if that’s what a hero is i’m glad i’m not one anymore.  ’
‘  if you ask me to,  i will set the whole world on fire,  my dear.  it’s all for you.  ’
‘  is it my fault?  it’s my fault.  it’s always my fault.  ’
‘  it’s not murder if they deserved it,  right?  ’
‘  i’m drowning in emotions that don’t belong to me,  choking on anger  &  suffocating on sadness.  ’
‘  i’m in love with everything that hurts me.  ’
‘  i’m okay.  i’m alright.  this is all in my mind.  ’
‘  i’m ready to give up everything i’ve ever had if it means someone will love me.  ’
‘  i’m so cold  &  i can’t stop shaking.  i am not who you think i am.  ’
‘  i’m so tired all the time  &  i just want to be awake again.  ’
‘  i’m tired of fighting against the pain of being forgotten.  i just want someone to remember me.  ’
‘  i’m tired of fighting everything in my life.  just make it stop.  ’
‘  i’m too tired to care.  blow up,  get angry at me.  i’m sure someday i’ll realize i deserved it.  ’
‘  jealousy burns within me.  ’
‘  just let me go in peace for once in my damn life.  ’
‘  loneliness is a disease  &  it leaves me empty  &  hollow,  like sound goes through my body  &  bounces back.  ’
‘  made of starlight  &  sunshine,  i shine brighter than they all know.  ’
‘  my anger is righteous  &  my actions are pure.  ’
‘  my chest aches  &  my lungs burn.  this sickness comes from the inside.  ’
‘  my chest hurts  &  all i need is some comfort  &  understanding.  ’
‘  my chest hurts  &  i ache to go back to the sky.  ’
‘  my shoulders are aching where wings used to be  &  all i want is for them to stop hurting.  ’
‘  pull me apart  &  piece me together in your own way.  make me perfect.  ’
‘  righteous fury throws through my veins  &  if you touch the people i love i will destroy you.  ’
‘  rise up.  you can’t keep being small when you were made for so much more.  ’
‘  say my name like it’s the only one that’s ever been on your tongue.  ’
‘  so much blood has been spilled in my name.  time to make you believe it was in yours.  ’
‘  so you’ll worry about me when i fall silent,  but not when i scream  &  plead for help?  fuck off.  ’
‘  sometimes people have to get hurt for me to get what i want.  ’
‘  stay away from my fucking friends.  stay the fuck away or so help me i will destroy you.  ’
‘  stop treating me like i’m an idiot.  you aren’t better than me in any way  &  you better remember that.  ’
‘  the bitter taste of regret is ever present on my tongue.  ’
‘  the world is spinning far too fast for me to stay on it.  ’
‘  to love them is my divine right.  ’
‘  voices whisper from the shadows  &  they fill my mind with thoughts of you.  ’
‘  what did i to wrong to be so unloved?  ’
‘  what is the point of power if i’m not supposed to use it?  ’
‘  who the fuck do you think you are?  ’
‘  why can’t i ever fucking stop crying?  ’
‘  with a new year comes new tests  &  triumphs.  let’s try to make the most out of it.  ’
‘  would it really kill you to be honest for once?  ’
‘  yes,  i remember my wings breaking  &  being destroyed.  i was powerless to stop it.  ’
‘  you are not required to love your parents,  or to even like them.  ’
‘  you can’t hate me more than i hate myself,  but you are more than welcome to try.  ’
‘  you may say you love me,  but you love only a part of me.  i am too complex for you to ever love my entire being.  ’
‘  you never fucking cared about me.  don’t fucking lie about it.  not to me.  ’
‘  you remind me of mint.  fresh,  sharp,  kind of cold,  but in a nice way.  i always knew there was a reason mint was my favorite.  ’
‘  you shine light in even the darkest parts of me.  you are my sun.  ’
‘  you should fear me,  but you don’t.  i will be eternally puzzled,  yet grateful.  ’
‘  you touch me  &  my skin burns  &  it burns for you,  always you.  ’

text messages.

[ 📲 • sms ] —— what are you doing?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you trying to drunk text me rn?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey what are you doing?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— didn’t you get my last text?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you ignoring me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i’m so bored!
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey you 😉
[ 📲 • sms ] —— blue is definitely your color 😉
[ 📲 • sms ] —— ugh i wish you were here!
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i think you’re going to like what you see 😉
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you’ve been on my mind all day today.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i can’t stop thinking about you.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you gonna fall asleep on me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— NO don’t fall asleep on me again tonight!
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you fell asleep on me last night! you owe me now
[ 📲 • sms ] —— send me a picture 😉
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey cutie! haven’t talked to you in a while!
[ 📲 • sms ] —— why did you stop texting me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey can i call you now?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— call me rather talk on the phone
[ 📲 • sms ] —— sweet dreams….with me in them 😉 jk
[ 📲 • sms ] —— oooooh, i like the sound of that 😉
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what are you doing tomorrow?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— do you wanna hang out tomorrow?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what do you wanna do tomorrow? ☺️
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you looked really good today.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— can’t wait to see you xoxo
[ 📲 • sms ] —— talk dirty to me
[ 📲 • sms ] —— maybe i can stay the night with you tomorrow
[ 📲 • sms ] —— dang you take long enough to text back.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you are the slowest texter ever. 😒
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i hate texting you sometimes. you take forever.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you take forever and a day to reply.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i was wondering where you went.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what happened? where did you go?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— k.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— ok that’s cool.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what’s wrong with you?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey where was you today?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— do you wanna come over?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— why are you texting me? i’m standing right beside you…
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i hate one word texters.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— stop one wording me. 😒
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you mad at me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what do you wanna talk about?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— do you like me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i love you 😍
[ 📲 • sms ] —— miss you 😘
[ 📲 • sms ] —— stop sending me that wink face.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you okay?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i’m gonna take a shower brb
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hold on i gotta do something real quick.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you trying to sext me?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— my dog/cat said he/she missed you.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what’s your dog/cat doing?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what are you watching?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i see how it is 😜
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you can’t text me but you can be on facebook/twitter/instagram/
[ 📲 • sms ] —— how come you never text me anymore?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i gave you my number so you could text me punk 😛
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you never text me back anymore ☹️
[ 📲 • sms ] —— sorry didn’t mean to bug you
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you only text me when i text you first.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you never text me first!
[ 📲 • sms ] —— wanna go catch a movie tomorrow?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— what do you mean by that status you posted?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— guess what emoji is next to your name in my phone?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey stranger. stop being a stranger.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— did you miss me? 😆
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i’m looking through your pictures right now.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i saw that selfie you just posted.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— you text me after i upload a bomb selfie i see.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— it’s okay you don’t to lie to me.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— aww, that was so sweet. ☺️ 
[ 📲 • sms ] —— aww, that just made me smile. ️☺️☺️ 
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i s2g i’m punching you so hard the next time i see you.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— i s2g you get on my nerves.
[ 📲 • sms ] —— hey there ! remember me ?
[ 📲 • sms ] —— are you going to ignore me again tomorrow?
history of the entire world, i guess; a transcript

hi. you’re on a rock, floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it, actually most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you. how did this happen? a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why its been everywhere. it’s been so everywhere, you don’t need a “where”. you don’t even need a “when”. that’s how “every” it gets. (pause). forget this. i wanna be something, go somewhere, do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start. and that’s exactly where it started. (background noise) woah. i… paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing, in a place. don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet. it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees. (about no seconds later). great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three called a “proton” or a “neutron”. and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still to (HOT). (about ten minutes later). great news! the protons and the neutrons are now happily married to each other (some of them even doubled up). (about 380,000 years later). great news, the electrons have now joined in. congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together and it’s getting closer together. it’s a staaaar. new shit just got made. some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit. space dust! which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into even crazier space dust. so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example. holy shit, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kinda made a mess. which is now the moon. weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space. weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside them and now there’s Hot Steam in the sky. weather update: cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava. weather update: its raining. severe flooding alert: the entire world is now an ocean. volcano alert: that’s land. there’slifeintheocean. what? something’s alive in the ocean. oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no. a microscopic speck! it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever. oh yeah, and it can do that. it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say. tired of living at the bottom of the ocean? now you can eat sunlight. using a revolutionary technique you can convert sunlight into food. taste the sun. side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue. then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while, maybe even a coupla times. it’s a sponge, it’s a plant, it’s a worm and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish. it’s the Cambrian explosion. “wow, that’s animals and stuff.” but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land? NoO. why? the sun is a deadly lazer. oh okay. not anymore there’s a blanket. now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land! “nope, can’t walk yet. and there’s no food yet so i don’t care.” (100 million years later) ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here? “maybe,” said some bugs, and fish. “uh. uh. uh.” (five million years later) “ok so i can go on land but i have to go back in the water to have babies.” (idea) learn to use an egg. “i was already doing that.” use a stronger egg, and put water in it, have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg, baby, in the water, in the egg. works for me. bye bye ocean. aaand now everything is huge. including bugs. wanna see a map of the land? sure. ah fuck, now everything’s dead. just kidding here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one because its about to become the dinosaurs. here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor. and the dinosaurs are gone. its mammal time! here come the mammals. look at those breasts. now they’re gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like ‘that’. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make… pointed rocks. “ouch.” and set things on fire. “yeouch.” and make crazy sounds with their voice (“gneurshk.”) which can mean different things. that’s a human person. and now they’re everywhere, almost. ice age. what? you can walk over here? cool. not anymore. i guess we’re stuck here now.

let’s review. there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food. fuck it, time to plant some grass. look at this, i control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food. this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this. tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground. better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping. guess what happens next. more food, and more people who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in, and people to make the houses. and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come. and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people. and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power. sociiiety. coming soon to a dank river valley near you. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed. why is all my metal so lame and lumpy? tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing bronze, made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land. i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what - egypt. meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also, china. and did i mention indusrivervalleycivilization. norte chico. the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east. knock knock- er, clop clop, it’s the people with the horses? and they made an empire! and then everyone else copied their horses. greeks! ah look, it must be the greeks, or a beta version of the greeks. let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization. they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china. new arrivals in india. maybe it’s thosehorsepeopleiwastalkingabout or theircousinsorsomething. and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff. you could make a religion out of this. there’s the bronze age collapse. now the phoenicians can get down to business. also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks. look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel. and they believe in god. just one though, he’s got like a ten step program. here’s some huge heads, must be the olmec. the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies. here comes the assyrian empire. nevermind it’s the babylonian- median- it’s the persian empire. “wow, that’s big.” ah, the buddha was just enlightened! who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this. oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking confucius was figuring out how to have good morals. ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff. and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea, he was…great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them. knock knock, it’s chandragupta, he says, “get the hell out of here, will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? ok thanks bye; time to conquer all of india- or most of india”. but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings, no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve got spices. who would like to buy the spices? “me,” said the arabians, swiftly buying them and selling them to the rest of the world. hey, china put itself back together again with good morals as their main philosophy. actually they have three main philosophies. out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city. let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload! “bye,” said the parthians, “bye,” said the jews. “hi,” said the parthians, taking over the entire place. “heyyyyyyyy,” said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland. “hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular, and then gets arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this. want silk? now you can buy it from china! they just made a brand new road to the world…or you can get there on water. “sick, new trade routes,” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast. hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom. there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again. “remember the persian empire? yup,” said the persians, making a new one. axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together. china is whole again…then it broke again. still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels. “hell yeah, now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold, and slaves. “hi i live in the roman empire and i was wondering, is loving jesus legal yet?” “no” “actually ok sure,” said constantine, moving the capitol way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall. it’s the golden age of india. there’s the gupta empire. not chandragupta, just gupta, first name chandra, the first. guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. or actually, just half is just fine. but it’s not in rome anymore so let’s give it a new name. the mayans have figured out the staaars. oh, and here’s a huge city, population everyone. the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks. how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together. how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them. korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.

deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this. and maybe conquer the world as well. the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors. here’s all the wisdom, in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom, just in time for the islamic golden age. “let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast. remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now. wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere? the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise, you’re the new roman emperor,” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not france. the northerners, or just norse if you don’t have that much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north, and they find some land. two types of land, and they name them accordingly. they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as vikings. there’s the rus, the kievan rus. are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. ok, fair enough. the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire, the holy roman empire. it’s actually germany but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms! christianizeallthekingdoms. which brand would you like? “mine’s better,” “mine’s better,” “mine’s better”. “time to conquer england,” said william. it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the seljuk turks. “ahh!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small it almost doesn’t exist anymore, “we need help!” they need help, so they call the pope. “hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you wanna take back the holy land.” “yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.” crusade. they did many crusades, some of which almost didn’t fail, but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals. goodbye mayans. hello toltecs, goodbye toltecs, hello mississippi. look at those mounds. there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff. guess who’s here? khmer. where? here, and pagan is there, and vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis. i bet that will last a long time! some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india. is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time. i just found out where the swahili gets all their gold. look at this chad (means lake), there’s an empire there, right in the middle of africa. the king of mali is so rich he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said. the christians are doing a great job of conquering iberia which will soon be called spain and not spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you are still christian when you least expect. whoops, half of europe just died. ming. china’s back, yay. hey khmer, time to share, new kingdoms here and there. oh look who controls all the islands, its the mahajapit. majahapit, mapajahit, mahapajit, mapajahit, majapahit? oh, italy’s really rich, time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth. here’s a printer, lets make books. so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? “yep,” said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. whoops, you missed a spot; don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade. “what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless. well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india. “wait,” said christopher colombus, probably smoking crack, “if the world is round, lets go this way to india!” “nah, don’t worry we already got this,” said portugal. so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to go find india by going around back of the world?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.”  “please?”  “no.” “please?” “ok.” so he sails into the ocean, and discovers more ocean, and then discovers ‘the indies’ and ‘japan’. let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world. the aztec and inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent. the habsburgs are marrying into so many royal families they might have to start marrying each other. move over lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again. move over timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again. let’s make it the other kind of islam, the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy. hey christians, do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell. “that’s bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that’s a scam, fuck the church, here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation. “you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman, wearing an onion hat, “what if the ottoman empire was really big, which it is now.”  “what if russia was big,” said ivan, trying not to be terrible. portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade, and then that dream was real. and spain realised that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt and all the hipsters move to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam, “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” question one: can you get to india through north america? no, but at least there’s beaver. question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question but the dutch did it anyway. sugar. guess where all the sugar’s made? in brazil. stolen! in the carribean, and it’s so goddamn profitable you might forget to not do slavery. the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger. britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did, it’s britain. guess who’s broke? also britain. so they start taxing the hell out of america.

“fuck you,” says america, declaring their independence, and fighting for it. france helps them win, now france is broke. and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent. wait if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses? “let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off. you could make a reli- no don’t. haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?” wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back. luckily, they banished him to another island. there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin america wars of independence. britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains, and conquer india and maybe put some trains there. “hey china,” said britain, “buy stuff from us.” “nah, dude we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked actually, but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy-fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop each other from conquering afganistan. also the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now, that’s just where he lives. india had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before. technology is about to go crazy. the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. “it’s bad,” they decided. and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land, and maybe kick out the mexicans too. “i know, let’s rape africa,” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia.  britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand. the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more. hawaii. cuba. wait spain controls cuba. “well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on them? let’s blame the maine on spain!” so they blame the maine on spain. now we’re in business. to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans. britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go. china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns. it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany. russia went on strike and the workers overthrew the government. now everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism, in the soviet union. the arabs revolt, and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind. “let’s cut the cake,” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore empire. except turkey, turkey makes a brand new turkey. and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do. hello? yes, it’s the 1920s calling. let’s get in a car and drive to a party and listen to the jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy’s great and it’ll probably be great forever. just kidding. germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model. he’s mad at the jews for existing. japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it. hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all the jews is a bad idea, but he kills himself before they could explain it to him. that’s world war two. bonus round: pacific showdown, united states versus japan. fight! finish him. let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace. seems legit. “hi i’m gandhi and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india i’m going to starve myself in public. wow, that worked?” bonus: now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans. one of them can be bangladesh later. the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me”, they both said at the same time. “let’s divide up the land so everyone’s happy.” sike! they both get angrier. look out china, there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! “no thanks,” said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china. there’s the korean war, korea versus korea, nobody wins, then it’s on pause forever. let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. fight! wait no that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs. “i’ll race you to space. now let’s make some more countries fight themselves.” europe is tired of pillaging other continents, so the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map, with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by. the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it. let’s check the world population. woah. okay. technology’s better too, that might keep happening. the soviet union decides to relax a little and accidentally falls apart. europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money; except britain because they don’t feel like it. let’s check the mail. surprise! it’s on the computer! whoops, someone just attacked america, i bet they’ll remember that. phone call, surprise, it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise, it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket. whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to. surprise, flying robots! with bombs. wanna print a brain? some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic. “let’s save the planet,” said everybody, not knowing how. “let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool. by the way, where the hell are we?

I joined tumblr back in November 2012 because of CS and their beautiful journey that has just begun.

I remember tagging everything “emma x hook” because we didn’t come up with a name yet. I remember everyone analyzing the hell out of Tallahassee and giffing every second of it. I remember how we called each other “beans”.

I remember freaking out about 2x09 because someone posted these photos WEEKS before that episode aired

I remember analyzing pictures from set in which Hook was in docks with Cora and a swan and headcanoning it as cursed Emma (still… why the hell did they brought swans on set???).

I remember crying from joy because look at this gif! In this shot Emma is so close to Hook’s hook! almost like a….. FORESHADOWING??

I remember freaking out because CS WAS IN A TIMELESS LOVE STORIES PROMO AMONG OTHER TRUE LOVE COUPLES!!!!!!!!!!!

I remember dying because they gave us hospital scene sneak peek from 2x12 (it happened on my birthday okay, my friend who came over was really scared, that’s how much I was freaking out)

I remember PaleyFest 2013. When the possibility of CS was mentioned for the first time out loud.

And dying again because

and

and

I remember how we had nothing for MONTHS. Only a 5 second long scene in 2x15 where Emma knocks Hook out and then talks with Neal about him.

But then the unthinkable happened. We were blessed with these photos from set!!! Memes were made! Hundreds of edits! And we all had to wait over a month for that episode to air!

You think that’d be enough to make us go crazy? Hah! You have no idea what happened after this

and then being dead after season 2 finale…

…and resurrected again because Comic Con happened. THIS happened

and then all the talk about CS being kindred spirits??? (x) (x) I MEAN….

That’s enough to kill us before s3 even starts right? NOPE. THIS HAPPENED.

AND THIS.

AND THEN THE PROMO

AND LET’S NOT EVEN MENTION THIS

Anyway, my point is it all happened before The Kiss. Hell, before season 3 even started! We were called delusional so many times, I lost count. But we endured. We had to wait months for a little scene but we never gave up.

And look where we are now. CS are married and rode off into the sunset to catch bad guys together. And they lived happily ever after.

I cannot tell how grateful I am for being a part of this fandom. You guys and this ship will always be a part of my soul. I won’t come back for season 7 but that doesn’t mean I’m leaving this fandom. We’ve been through too much together for me to give up so easily. Even tho ouat has been slowly deteriorating with its plot holes and lazy writing, CS has always been magical to watch.

It pains me that this is the end and we’ll never see some milestones but I’m so happy for experiencing what we did with you. That was one hell of a journey. But remember guys…

Peace out!

Modern Day Hogwarts!AU

Originally posted by rose-wexsley

  • Oh my GOD being a Witch/Wizard in the 2010-2017 era would be so much fucking fun I swear I’ve never wanted to be a modern witch more than I do now
  •  Imagine every Friday night to celebrate the weekend, whatever year you’re in has a battle of the bands tradition, where everyone gathers in the Hufflepuff common room to rock tf out.
  • Pureblood student’s learning muggle music and instruments and LOVING it.
  • Every person in the year having mad hangovers the next day, and being dragged to the Quidditch pitch. All of the older students who attended the battle the previous night would all be dying, some of them even conjuring their own potions in an attempt to stop their hangovers.
  • FUCKING FIRST/SECOND YEARS DABBING 
  • “10 points to Ravenclaw” *AGGRESSIVELY DABS* 
  • If you weren’t in Hufflepuff yourself, the Hufflepuffs would be so fucking annoying. In EVERY SINGLE HOUSE EVENT they would all be chanting this song. (Even better if there was a Hufflepuff vs Slytherin Quidditch match and all the fucking Hufflepuff’s start shrieking the snake part)
  • I’m convinced there would be a Wizarding equivalent to social media apps like vine, instagram etc. Imagine the fucking vines that would be made through the school year im dyigreqdasiuf
  • Some Ravenclaw students using the room of requirement as a gym, because they know not only the importance of a healthy mind, but a healthy body too. Some Gryffindor students tagging along too when they notice what they’re up to, interested in muggle ‘leg day’, as they call it.
  • Piercing’s getting banned but most students being like lol fuck ya, wearing nose rings, septums etc all the time without fail.
  • Skater kids would enchant their skateboards to be able to hover, riding them in the corridor to their classes. Some teachers like Professor Longbottom would let it slide, others such as Filch wouldn’t be as forgiving.
  • Voldemort would become a meme.
  • He would definitely be a meme oh my god I am CONVINCED of this
  • In the History of Magic studies, the selected teacher would be expressing how dangerous and fearful the Dark Lord had once looked, one of the Slytherin students yelling out, ‘He doesn’t even have a bloody nose?! Dark Lord my arse.”
  • Muggle born students would take their pureblood friends to Muggle music festivals like Glastonbury and Reading Leeds, and they would go OFF. 
  • Wizards/Witches enchanting their camping tents so it’s like a small cabin, so it wasn’t uncomfortable to sleep in after a long day of seeing all the bands.
  • Kids who stay over the Christmas holidays would so stay up and play beer pong for New Years- all the Ravenclaws using advanced magic to cheat.
  • In Charms class, the students in their last year would do the mannequin challenge, making objects levitate while someone records it all.
  • Gryffindor students being annoying little fucks and trying to see how many teachers they could get to dab over the year. This turns into an annual house event for students, Slytherin always winning.
  • For Halloween all the older students enchanting their image to look like professors, which may become problematic through the day.
  • Hufflepuffs coming to class stoned, but never get told off for it. Sure, the odd point or two will be taken away if it’s that obvious, but those little shits always get away with it. Bonus points because their common room is so close to the kitchen.
  • If you haven’t heard this song before, I believe the Gryffindor would change the lyrics to “Gryffindor sound, we aint fucken around, fuck our classes man so we keep it underground, cause potions each day got me feeling like shit but it’s all worth while when the weekend hits.”
  • Slytherin students playing odds on, getting their Gryffindor mates to jump into the black lake to see the giant squid. 
  • Muggle borns taking their pureblood friends to rugby/hockey/soccer games, and them not having a fucking clue what’s going on.
  • KIDS IN THE CHOIR USING THEIR FUCKING FROG’S TO DO DUBSTEP AND TRAP BEATS FUCK 
  • Students using Snapchat to record small snippets of Mandrakes screaming then slow it down- Professor Longbottom finds this hillarious.

    FEEL FREE TO ADD TO THIS LET ME SEE WHAT YA’LL GOT
Acotar couples in the modern world.

Feysand

  • That one couple who sits at the back corner in the cinema to make out for half of the film.
  • Might seem as though they act sexy around each other 24/7, but theyre actually up till 1am having Just Dance battles because Rhys wont allow Feyre to keep letting him win. ( Shes adamant she isn’t.) 
  • Rhys loves to read to Feyre while curled up next to the window, as she sits in front of him looking outside and smiling.
  • Shopping at Victorias Secret for sexy underwear where Feyre sends snapchats from the fitting room as Rhys cant come in. 
  • Highkey KINKY AF. Love playing games where they have to remove clothes e.g. strip poker, naked twister etc.
  • When they move in to their first house together, Rhys lets Feyre paint all the rooms in the house.
  • When they have their first child, she paints glow in the dark stars on the ceiling to help the baby sleep.
  • Oh and of course Feyre is the one to teach her children to read. 

Nessian

  • Cassian loves going to the gym and drags Nesta along who claims to hate the place but secretly loves going to check him out while hes exercising.
  • Angsty sex. Every argument leads to them having sex.
  • Cassian loves taking pictures of Nesta while shes not looking and when she notices, she tries to grab the phone off him but at the same time is laughing and smiling.
  • Multiple camping trips throughout the year ( sometimes with the gang)
  • Goes ALL OUT on Halloween couples costumes. ( One time they made the gang dress as the whole Scooby Doo characters)
  • COUPLES TATTOOS 
  • Dirty af snapchats to each other while they’re at work.
  • Constantly sending memes as a form of communication.

Moriel

  • Been in love with each other for years and while everyone else knows it, they act clueless to it. 
  • When they finally get together, Rhys slaps Cassian on the back saying “pay up bro”. (They all made bets on how long it would take them to get together and obviously Rhys won.)
  • Az loves making Mor watch the James Bonds movies with him as his dream job is to work for MI5. 
  • Not fussy about PDA in public, just hands touching sometimes or a leg squeeze and just as a reassurance that they’re there.
  • But when in private, they’re very intimate and sensitive.
  • That couple that match their clothes, sometimes accidentally but Rhys and Cassian dont believe Az when he tells them.
  • Az is a hopeless romantic so for every anniversary they go to Disneyland which is where they met as kids.
  • When they have to babysit for Feysand, it usually ends up with the whole house being made into forts using all the blankets.

Elucien

  • Whole weekends where they bake cakes, cookies, brownies and everything sugary.
  • Lucien wears glasses which will sometimes go missing as Elain is constantly trying them on.
  • Lucien had a greenhouse built for Elain to grow plants.
  • That couple who is renowned for being super adorable.
  • Dates that include bowling or ice skating.
  • Love taking trips to the countryside.
  • Lucien asks Rhys to be the best man at his wedding and Feyre + the girls are bridesmaids. Their speeches have everyone laughing.
  • Lucien cries while making his wedding speech.
  • Names all their daughters after flowers. 
more texts for you bitches

ANGSTY TEXTS, BITCH

[text] You should have told me you wanted me out of your life.
[text] I should have never let you back into my life.
[text] Okay [muse’s name] what’s the deal, pretty sure this is you…listen if you want me to leave you alone, please just tell that.
[text] Please don’t walk away.
[text] Please don’t do this.
[text] When are you going to realize I want nothing to do with you?
[text] You want nothing to do with me, I get it.
[text] I’m an idiot. You fooled me again.
[text] When I think things are about to change … I’m always proven wrong.
[text] I just want you to be happy. And you’ll be happier without me.
[text] I just hate that someone could make me trust [him/her/them] the way that I did
[text] The truth is I’m not over you.
[text] The truth is I never really wanted to be with you.
[text] I’m seeing someone else.
[text] How the hell did you get my number, stalker?
[text] You’re so selfish.
[text] I just saw you leave with [her/him/them].
[text] FUCK YOU AND YOUR DUMB CUTE FACE

LOVING TEXTS, BITCH

[text] Did I tell you today that you’re the most adorable? Cause, yeah.
[text] Be careful.
[text] I’m only saying it because I love you.
[text] I’m only saying it because I care about you.
[text] Okay, I’m bringing coffee.
[text] I’m thinking dinner and a movie later this week?
[text] Let me take you out, please?
[text] Let me make you dinner tonight.
[text] I want you to be happy.
[text] You’re always safe with me.
[text] I can’t stop thinking about you.
[text] I seriously don’t know what I’d do without you.
[text] I know you may not feel like you are, but you are loved. And important. Please don’t forget that.
[text] It was so good seeing you.
[text] You don’t need this shit.
[text] I’ll be there in five minutes.
[text] Let me help, please?
[text] You’re important to me.
[text] Stop falling asleep in the bathtub. You’re going to drown and die and leave me and I’m not having that.
[text] I would gladly watch Netflix and eat Thai with you any day.
[text] I’d give up my phone charger AND the last piece of gum for you. That’s love.
[text] Hey beautiful no judgment but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??

ANGRY TEXTS, BITCH

[text] If you don’t want me to bust your window, I suggest you answer the phone. Now.
[text] To quote Mean Girls, you’re a fugly slut.
[text] Are you SERIOUSLY bringing that up right now!?
[text] Lose my number, asshole.
[text] You’re so predictable and obnoxious. And it’s not only me who thinks so.
[text] …The least you could do is answer, wtf.
[text] You’re a piece of shit human being and an even worse friend.
[text] This is YOUR FAULT. And you can’t even pretend like it isn’t, because you know it is.
[text] Why couldn’t you just stay out of it?
[text] Holy fucking shit, take a hint, asshole.
[text] Go fuck yourself.
[text] What the fucking hell is wrong with you?
[text] You can take your stuff back as long as I don’t light it on fire first.
[text] I have cramps and a migraine so you do NOT want to mess with me right now
[text] Bye and have a very fuck you day

SEXY TEXTS, BITCH

[text] Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
[text] Why are you so hot…like honestly, it’s not fair.
[text] Yeah, you looked good in your [dress/shirt/pants] last night but really, they looked way better on my floor.
[text] Come over. With condoms.
[text] You should come over, clothing optional.
[text] I feel like a nasty slut and I LOVE IT
[text] Sorry I got drunk and texted you about my sex life
[text] Sex on a rooftop - trashy or adventurous?
[text] If you’re not at my apartment, shirtless, in five minutes, I will be personally offended.
[text] I don’t think he likes that I’m always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
[text] It’ll be like The Notebook, except with way more of my penis.
[text] I didn’t know that all of his brothers would be hot and musically inclined, too. That’s a dick move on behalf of biology.
[text] I DON’T WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
[text] So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
[text] I just need some of your time and all of your body.
[text] I am available for nakedness
[text] I think about [him/her/them] when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love

DRUNK TEXTS, BITCH

[drunk text] So wat are you really over me no w
[drunk text] AND I UNFOLLOWED YOU ON INSTAGRAM TOO, BITCH
[drunk text] You are my queen and my savior and I love you forever
[drunk text] You are the most beautiful girl I have ever known
[drunk text] I’m eating macaroni and cheese on a slice of pizza and autocorrect just wrote that text for me pretty much, what’s your night like
[drunk text] Listen up slut, you’re one hot piece of ass and if [he/she/they] doesn’t realize it, it’s their loss
[drunk text] but what’s the point of a Disney sing off party if you’re not here. You have to be be the Pumbaa to my Timon
[drunk text] Can you pls remind me tomorrow of how much of a fool I made myself tonight
[drunk text] FUCK YOU YOU’RE GORGEOUS
[drunk text] I think maybe you and me should like go out and eat pizza or something check yes or no
[drunk text] Please don’t hate me I’m too tired and too dizzy to be hated
[drunk text] I hate (him/her) but less when I’m drinking. Thanks, alcohol.
[drunk text] Omf g you need to get over here now I think I’m dyin
[drunk text] SWEEEEEEEET CAROLINE

anonymous asked:

Do you have a list of funny YOI fics? Doesn't need to have much as long as it makes me laugh!!!

I love a good laugh! I have read SO many hilarious fics, here are a few of them where I was dying from laughing so hard!

(The gif was made by @nikiforoov! Thank you!!)


Humor


Bottom’s Up by cryingoverspilledvodka, lucycamui, Teen, 4.3k
At the Grand Prix banquet, Victor’s been asked to sign an autograph for a very enthusiastic fan. Unfortunately, there’s a distinct lack of paper around. Fortunately, Yuuri has a suggestion. This is the best thing I have ever read, I’m still screaming HHAHHAHAHAHA

Amateur or Expert by Watermelonsmellinfellon, Teen, 1.9k
AU where Yuuri is a ice skating instructor and Victor is thirsty for him and will do whatever it takes for Yuuri to get to know him. Even if that means pretending to not know how to skate at all, even though he’s a five-time world champion. VERY cute, lots of fluff, and Victor is hilarious in this. Love!

better than sliced bread by ebenroot, Teen, 8.1k
in which we all assumed yuuri is the one to own a dakimakura but maybe that isn’t entirely the case. LMAOOOOO

Safety Hazards in St. Petersburg by lucycamui, Explicit, 3.7k
In which Yuuri moves in with Victor in St. Petersburg and Victor discovers just how distracting living with him can be. I LOVE THIS FIC SO MUCH OMG

#KissOrHug by Aurum, Gen, 2.2k
Yuuri and Victor make #Victuri trend worldwide. Phichit accidentally makes it worse. This is is SO cute, it’s a must read!

he was a sk8er boy she said see you l8er boy by bookybookworm, Teen, 14k (WIP)
pika+chu: hello friends
katsudon-yuri: ummm
katsudon-yuri: what is this
pika+chu: this, young yuri, is a group chat

i’m just going to the store by bosbie, Teen, 7.2k
How Victor’s impulsiveness backfires and creates one of the greatest living internet memes to ever come out of Russia. THIS IS AMAZING HAHA

Habit by LFMH021, Teen, 2.8k
Yuuri has developed a habit. Before competitions, whenever he wants to concentrate and exercise at the same time, he faces the wall, braces his forearms on it and then wiggle his hips while trying to recite over and over again his routine. HAHAHAAHA

Turn Backwards on Go by inkwellstars, Not Rated, 5.3k
In which Yuuri and Victor, happily married and retired, find themselves thrown into the past and proceed to mess with everyone. One of the few time travel fics without angst. Super hilarious, too!

Katsuki Yuuri Fan Club by Katyaton, Teen, 2.2k
Yuuri has been adjusting well to life in St. Petersburg, making friends with the Russian skaters and slowly adapting to the new culture. When Viktor starts obsessing over something on his phone, though, Yuuri starts to worry. He suspects it’s something related to him and wants to find out what has Viktor so transfixed, but will the ensuing embarrassment be worth his curiosity? LOLOL

turn it, leave it, stop, format it by ebenroot, Explicit, 19k
“If you want, I can recommend you some security programs that you can download for free and protect your computer. That way, you won’t be at risk of losing these cute photos of your dog even when you browse websites like ‘Luscious Lonely Wives’.” Victor gives one long ‘haa’. “I don’t browse those websites,” he says through his straining smile. SO CUTE AND FUNNY! I love @ebenroot so much!!

lovesick by Ironinkpen, Teen, 2.7k
“Did the doctor send you?” When Yuuri doesn’t reply fast enough, since he’s still gaping like a fish, he turns to Yuri. “Did the doctor send him? Because wow,” He drops his arm and presses his hand to his chest like the dramatic bastard he is. “You’ve got to be the prettiest man I’ve ever seen.”
“Oh my god,” Yuri groans. “Is he hitting on you?” OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS FIC

The Goddamn Tie Has Got To Go by  Katyaton, Teen, 4.5k
Dear God. Yuuri was wearing the tie again.
The powdery blue monstrosity was not only unfashionable (and where did Yuuri even manage to acquire such a tie?), it also reminded Viktor, with shocking clarity, of a sweaty, half naked, pole dancing Yuuri. For the sake of his remaining dignity, Viktor needed to improvise a plan to dispose of it as soon as possible. You have to read this!

Sleep(talk) It Off by cerisecandy, Gen, 1.2k
Where Yuuri sleep-talks, Viktor remains awake and suffers, and another night passes at the Katsuki family inn. Lord have mercy I nearly died while reading this I was in stitches!!!

SkateSquad™ groupchat by stxmph, Teen, 50k (WIP)
(groupchat log of the skate squad) Rec’d by a follower!


If you have any more suggestions, feel free to reply to this post with your favourites!

psychic: reads my mind
me: hi, you’re on a rock floating in space. pretty cool, huh? some of it’s water. fuck it. actually, most of it’s water. i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat. it’s sad. i’m sad. i miss you.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
a long time ago… actually, never. and also now. nothing is nowhere. when? never. makes sense, right? like i said, it didn’t happen. nothing was never anywhere. that’s why it’s been everywhere. it’s been so “everywhere,” you don’t need a “where.” you don’t even need a “when.” that’s how “every” it gets.
forget this. i wanna be something. go somewhere. do something. i want things to change. i want to invent time and space. and i know it’s possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
big bang— pause
woah. i paused it. i think there’s a universe now. what’s it made of? quarks and stuff. ah, that’s a thing! in a place! don’t like it? try a new place, at a different Time™. try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier. but it’s not empty yet! it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
about no seconds later
great news! the quarks are now happily married in groups of three, called a “proton” and a “neutron.” and there’s something else flying around that wants to join in, but can’t cause it’s too HOT.
ten minutes later
great news! the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other! some of them even doubled up.
about 380,000 years later
great news! the electrons have now joined in. congratulations! the world is now… a bunch of gas in space. but it’s getting closer together…
ten million years later
and it’s getting closer together…
500 million years later
and it’s getting closer togeth—
star is born
it’s a star
new shit just got made!
some stars burn out and die. bigger stars burn out and die with passion! and make some brand new way crazier shit.
space dust!
which allows for newer and more interesting stars to be made, and then die and explode into even crazier space dust!
so now, stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things. like this ball of flaming rocks, for example.
meteor hits earth
holy shit, we just got hit by another ball of flaming rocks. and it kind of… made a mess. which is now the moon
weather update: it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update: those rocks might’ve had water inside of them and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update: cooler temperatures today and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update… it’s raining.
severe flooding alert, the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert.
that’s land!
there'slifeintheocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh, cool. like a plant, or an animal? no! a microscopic speck. it lives in the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
microscopic speck asexually reproduces
oh yeah, and it can do that.
reproduces three more times
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.
taste the sun!
side effect, now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue.
then the earth might’ve been a snowball for a while. maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge… it’s a plant… it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion: “wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean. hey, can we go on land?
NO
why?
the sun is a deadly laser
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land. come on, animals, let’s go on land!
“nope, can’t walk yet.”
“and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.”
100 million years later
okay, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
“maybe,” said some bugs. and fish.
fish gasps for air
five million years later
okay, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to have babies!
idea: learn to use an egg.
“i was already doing that”
use a stronger egg. put water in it. have a baby, on land, in an egg. water is in the egg. baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me. bye bye ocean
50 million years later
and now everything’s huge. including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land? sure.
Permian extinction
oh, fuck, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors. keep your eye on this one, because it’s about to become
75 million years later
the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land. yeah, it broke apart. don’t worry about it, it does that all the time. here comes a meteor.
meteor strikes
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals. look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world, but one of them just learned how to grab stuff. and walk. no, like, walk like that. and grab stuff at the same time. and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice:
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person!
and now they’re everywhere. almost.
ice age!
what? you can walk over here? cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review: there’s people on the planet. and they’re chasing their food.
fuck it. time to plant some grass.
look at this. i get to control the food now. now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. let’s all build houses, except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great! i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything? use metal. it’s underground.
better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next?
more food. and more people, who came to buy the food. now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales. and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses and now there’s more people and they invent things which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power,
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal? introducing: bronze. made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land. i dunno, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it. also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. now we’re getting somewhere. also,
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
society count: 5

norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated. maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop. it’s the… people with the horses? and they made an empire. and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks!
ah look, it must be the greeks! er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization: they’re gone. guess who’s not gone? china.
new arrivals from india… maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about… or their cousins or something…
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff…
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find? thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just one though, and he’s got like a ten-step program.
here’s some huge heads. must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies. the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire. never mind, it’s the babyloni— media—
it’s the Persian Empire: “wow, that’s big”
enlightenment
ah, the buddha was just enlightened. who’s the buddha? this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying. you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke. but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
enlightenment
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire. it’s a great idea. he was… great. and now he’s dead. hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.
knock knock, it’s chandragupta. he says “get the hell out of here. will you get the hell out of here if i give you 500 elephants? okay, thanks, bye”
time to conquer all of india
er
most of india
but what about this part? that’s the tamil kings. no one conquers the tamil kings. who are the tamil kings? merchants, probably. and they’ve gotspices!
who would like to buy the spices? “me!” said the arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.
hey, china put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy. actually, they have three main philosophies:
confucianism: have good morals
taoism: go with the flow
legalism: fuck you, obey the law
out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.
nomads ransack china
let’s check the greekification levels of the greekified kingdoms: greekification overload.bye, said the parthians. bye, said the jews. hi, said the parthians, taking over the entire place.
heyyyyy, said the romans, eating the entire mediterranean for breakfast. “thanks for invading our homeland,” said the jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.
“hi, everything’s great,” said some guy who seems to be getting very popular and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which actually makes him more popular. you could make a religion out of this.
want silk? now you can buy it from china. they just made a brand new road to the world.
conquers vietnam
or you can get there on water
“sick! new trade routes!” said india, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.
hmm, that’s a good place for an epic trading kingdom.
there goes buddhism, travelling up the silk road. i wonder if it’ll reach china before it collapses again.
remember the persian empire? yep, said the persians, making a new one.
axum is getting so powerful, they would like to build a long stick.
has anyone populated madagascar yet? let’s do it together.
china is whole again…
…then it broke again
still can’t cross the sahara desert? try camels.
“hell yeah! now we’ve got business,” said the ghana empire, selling lots of gold. and slaves.
“hi, i’m a member of the roman empire, and i was wondering
is loving jesus legal yet?”
“no”
“actually, okay sure,” said constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his main rival. don’t worry about rome, it won’t fall.
it’s the golden age of india
there’s the gupta empire, not chandragupta, just gupta. first name chandra. the first.
guess who’s in rome? barbarians. what’s a barbarian? “non-romans,” said the romans, being invaded by non-romans. r.i.p. roman empire. actually just half of it, the other half is just fine, but it’s not in rome anymore, so let’s give it a new name.
the mayans have figured out the stars
oh, and here’s a huge city, population: everyone.
the göktürks have taken over the entire eurasian steppe. great job, göktürks.
how’s india? broken. how’s china? back together.
how’s those trading kingdoms? bigger, and there’s more of them.
korea has three kingdoms. japan has a kingdom, it’s the sunrise kingdom.
intermission
deep in the arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in muhammad’s ear. so, he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods and he tells them their gods are all fake. and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. you could make a religion out of this, and maybe conquer the world as well.
the roman empire is long gone, but somehow the pope is still the pope. plus, there’s new kingdoms all over europe. i wonder if there’s room for moors.
here’s all the wisdom. in a house. it’s the baghdad house of wisdom! just in time for the islamic golden age!
“let’s bring stuff to the coast and sell it, and become the swahili on the swahili coast,” said the swahili on the swahili coast.
remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? someone owns that now.
wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?
the franks have the biggest kingdom in europe, and the pope is so proud that he invites the king over for christmas. “surprise! you’re the new roman emporer!” said the pope, pretending to still be part of the roman empire. then the franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called france and not-france.
the northerners, er, just “norse” if you don’t have much time, are exploring. they go north, from the north to the northern north. and they find some land— two types of land!— and they name them accordingly.
prankd
they also invade some other places and get called many names, such as “vikings.”
there’s the rus! the kievan rus! are they vikings? “i don’t think so,” said the kievan rus. okay, fair enough.
the pope is ready to make some more emperors of the roman empire. the holy roman empire! it’s actually germany, but don’t worry about it. new kingdoms—
CRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!!
which brand would you like?
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“mine’s better”
“time to conquer england,” said william.
it’s a bird! it’s a plane! it’s the seljuk turks!
“aah!” said the byzantine empire, who’s getting so small and almost doesn’t exist anymore. “we need help!” they need help! so they call the pope.
“hey pope, can you help us get rid of the seljuks? maybe take back the holy land on the way? come on, i know you want to take back the holy land.”
“yes, i do actually want to do that. let’s do a crusade.”
crusade!
they did many crusades. some of which almost didn’t fail. but at least the italians got some sweet trade deals.
goodbye mayans. hello toltecs! goodbye toltecs. hello mississippi! look at those mounds.
there’s the pueblo. i always wondered how to build a town in a cliff.
guess who’s here? khmer. where? here! and pagan is there. vietnam unconquered itself, korea just became itself, and japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government.
china just invented bombs, and typing. and the mongols just invaded most of the universe. nice going, genghis! i bet that will last a long time.
some of the islamic turks were unaffected by the mongol invasions because they were busy invading india.
is it tonga time? i think it’s tonga time.
i just figured out where the swahili gets all of their gold.
look at this chad! it means “lake.” there’s an empire there! right in the middle of africa!
the king of mali is so rich, he’s going on tour to let everyone know. “wow, that guy’s rich,” everyone said.
the christians are doing a great job reconquering iberia, which will soon be called spain and not-spain. please remain christian. we will check in later to see if you’re still christian when you least expect.
whoops, half of europe just died.
ming! china’s back, yay!
hey, khmer. time to share. new kingdoms, here and there.
oh, look who controls all of the islands. it’s the mahajapit.
majahapit.
mapajahit.
mahapajit.
mapajahit.
ma-ja-pa-hit?
oh, italy’s real rich. time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. it’s kinda like a rebirth.
here’s a printer. let’s make books!
so you think you can conquer the byzantine empire? yep, said the ottoman turks. nice job, ottoman turks. oops, you missed a spot. don’t forget to ban europe from the indian spice trade.
“what? that’s bullshit,” said portugal, spiceless.
“well i guess we’ll have to find another way to india”
“wait!” said christopher columbus, probably smoking crack. “if the world is round, let’s go this way to india.”
“nah, don’t worry, we already got this,” said portugal.
so chris goes to spain. “hey spain, wanna hire me to find india by going around back of the world?”
“no”
“please?”
“no”
“please?”
“wtf”
“no”
“please?”
“…okay”
so he sails into the ocean, and discovers… more ocean. and then discovers the indies, and japan! let’s draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.
the aztec and the inca empires are off to a great start. i wonder if they know that europe just discovered their continent.
the hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families, they might have to start marrying each other.
move over, lithuania, here comes moscow. ivan wants to make russia great again.
move over, timurids, maybe go invade india or something. persia just made persia persian again.
let’s make it the other kind of islam. the one where we thought the first guy should’ve been the other guy.
hey, christians! do you sin? now you can buy your way out of hell!
“that’s bullshit. this whole thing is bullshit. that’s a scam. fuck the church. here’s 95 reasons why,” said martin luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the protestant reformation.
“you know what would be magnificent?” said suleiman wearing an onion hat. “what if the ottoman empire was… really big?” which it is now.
“what if russia was big?” said ivan, trying not to be terrible.
portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire indian ocean, including the spice trade. and then that dream was real.
and spain realized that this is not india, but they pillaged it anyway. “damn,” said england and france. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.” then the dutch revolt, and all the hipsters moved to amsterdam. “damn,” said amsterdam. “we gotta start pillaging some stuff.”
question one: can you get to india from north america? no, but at least there’s beaver.
question two: steal the spice trade. that’s not a question, but the dutch did it anyway.
and sugar… guess where all of the sugar is made? in brazil! stolen! in the caribbean! and it’s so goddamn profitable, you might forget to not do slavery.
the next thing on russia’s to-do list is to get bigger.
britain and france are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world. more specifically, ohio. then it escalates into a seven-year discussion, giving prussia a chance to show austria who’s boss. but what about britain and france, did they figure out who’s boss? yes they did! it’s britain.
guess who’s broke? also britain! so they start taxing the hell out of america. “fuck you!” says america, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and france helps them win. now france is broke, and britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.
wait, if france is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?
“let’s overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!” said robespierre, cutting everybody’s heads off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.
you could make a rel— no, don’t.
haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution, especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters. “why didn’t we think of this before?”
wait, who’s in charge of france now? “me,” said napoleon, trying to take over europe. luckily, they banished him to an island. but he came back!luckily, they banished him to another island.
there goes latin america, becoming independent in the latin american wars of independence.
britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now they can make many different types of machines and factories with machines in them so they can make a lot of products real fast. then they invent some trains. and conquer india and maybe put some trains there.
“hey, china!” said britain. “buy stuff from us!” “nah, dude, we already got everything,” says china. so britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually. but then china made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea. so britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island.
britain and russia are playing a game where they try to stop the other person from conquering afghanistan.
also, the sultan of oman lives in zanzibar now:“that’s just where he lives.”
india just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now. “nope,” said britain, governing them even harder than before.
incoming telegram: HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE
technology is about to go crazy!
the united states finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad. it’s bad, they decided, and then they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the mexicans too.
“i know! let’s rape africa!” said europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. they never got ethiopia…
britain and france are still hungry. they never got thailand…
the united states ran out of destiny to manifest, so they’re looking for more:
hawaii!
cuba!
wait, spain controls cuba.
well, blame something on them and go to war! what should we blame on spain?
u.s.s. maine sinks
“let’s blame the maine on spain.”
so they blame the maine on spain.
now we’re in business.
to celebrate, they kick panama out of panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.
britain just found oil in the middle east. it makes cars go…
china is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and is controlled by a guy from the previous government.
europe hasn’t had a war since the last war, so they start world war one. look at those guns! it’s gonna be a great war, so great we won’t need a second one. after it’s over, they blame germany.
russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. now, everyone’s paycheck is the same. communism in the soviet union…
the arabs revolt and britain helps. now the ottoman empire is gone, so we can give the jewish people a place to live. hopefully the arabs won’t mind.
“let’s cut the cake!” said sykes and picot, carving up the remains of the not-so-ottoman-anymore-empire.
except turkey! turkey makes a brand new turkey!
and then the saudis conquer arabia. it just seemed like the right thing to do.
phone rings
hello? yes, it’s the 1920’s calling. let’s get to a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. the economy is great and it will probably be great forever. just kidding.
germany’s back, featuring hitler, the angry mustache model, and he’s mad at the jews for existing.
japan is finally conquering the east, and they’re so excited, they rape nanking way too hard. they should probably just deny it.
hitler’s out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain to him why killing all of the jews is a bad idea. but he kills himself because they could explain it to him. that’s world war two!
bonus round! pacific showdown
united states vs. japan
FIGHT!!
united states drops two extinction balls on japan
FINISH HIM!
let’s unite all the nations and have some world peace! seems legit.
“hi, im gandhi, and if britain doesn’t get the hell out of india, i’m going to starve myself in public.”
britain leaves
“wow, that worked?”
bonus! now there’s pakistan. actually two pakistans, one of them can be bangladesh later.
the jews and the arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the holy land. “me!” they both said at the same time. let’s divide up the lands so we’re both happy. SIKE! they both get angrier!
look out, china! there’s a new china in china. what’s on the menu? communism! no thanks, said the other china, escaping to an island. i wonder which one is the real china…?
there’s the korean war. korea versus korea! nobody wins, then its on pause forever.
let’s meet the sponsors. oh, it’s the two global superpowers. they’re having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of satan. and they both have atom bombs. FIGHT!! wait, no, that would be the end of the world. let’s just keep it cool and spy on each other instead. and make sure we have enough atom bombs.
“i’ll race you to space.”
united states plants a flag on the moon
now let’s make more countries fight themselves.
europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. so here’s a new map with new countries. now you can’t tell who they’re being pillaged by.
the united states finally decided whether racism is good or bad. they decided it’s bad, and the world agrees. south africa might need another minute to think about it.
let’s check the world population!
woah. okay.
technology is better too, that might keep happening.
the soviet union decides to relax a little, and accidentally falls apart.
europe makes a union, so now they can all use the same money. except britain, because they don’t feel like it.
let’s check the mail… surprise! it’s on the computer!
whoops, someone just attacked america. i bet they’ll remember that.
phone call! surprise! it’s in your pocket! wanna learn everything? surprise! it’s on the computer! now your phone’s a computer, which is in your pocket!
whoops, the economy just crashed. don’t worry, the big banks won’t fail, because they’re not supposed to.
surprise!… flying robots. with bombs.
wanna print a brain?
some people have no friends. some people have no food. the globe is warming, and the ocean is full of plastic!
“let’s save the planet!” said everybody, not knowing how.
“let’s invent a thing inventor,” said the thing inventor inventor after being invented by a thing inventor. that’s pretty cool.
by the way, where the hell are we?
thanks for watching history
i hope i mentioned everything
psychic: what the fuck

Stalker

Group: BTS

Pairing: JUNGKOOK X READER

Requested: Anonymous said: can you make a scenario where Jung kook’s gf feels like someone is following her and she call guk to come and get her

Excerpt: “Please come get me. I’m scared,” you sobbed into the phone, reality finally dawning on you,

“Calm down, where are you what’s going on?” Jeongguk’s low, calm voice began to calm you down

Genre: fluff, slight angst

Length: 1.1k

A/N:  slightly based off an anime scene that I saw eons ago and honestly cant remember the name although it was super cute

[UPDATE] the anime is called ‘say i love you’ and thank you to everyone who recognised and commented it as it’s been annoying me for a while that i forgot!!

Originally posted by bangtanboys-official

“Thank you for staying so late, Y/N,” your manager called as you left café, the cold night air nipped at your features and you pulled your jumper sleeves further down your hands. As you looked around, standing in the shop light as you tried to untangle your headphones, your eyes locked onto a figure standing in the shadows slightly to the side opposite the shop.

You blinked, your heart beginning to race as your eyes began to get used to the light, the figure becoming more defined and all of a sudden your heart dropped. The man was a customer who always hung around, managing to accidentally brush hands with yours and often sat in the shop a long time after he’d finished his coffee. You recognised him because he was wearing his suit, and it always surprised you that he never seemed to work spending all his time in the cafe his eyes following you around the room; they were doing the same now.

Keep reading

potential angst starters
  • “please don’t forget”
  • “you know you should have stayed”
  • “you’re cold on the inside”
  • “there’s a dog in your heart and it tells you to tear everything apart”
  • “you ruin everything you touch and destroy anyone you love”
  • “i know that you can’t hear me anymore”
  • “it’s so loud inside my head”
  • “i haven’t been all that you could have hoped for”
  • “if you held on a little longer, you would have more reasons to be proud”
  • “i talk to the shadows hoping you might be listening”
  • “how can i say this without breaking?”
  • “i loved and i lost you”
  • “i don’t want them to know the way i loved you”
  • “i don’t think they would accept me”
  • “your heart fits like a key”
  • “it’s so quiet here”
  • “you said that you weren’t alone”
  • “you still owe me a reason”
  • “i act like i don’t fucking care”
  • “maybe you’re too good for me”
  • “lately colors seem so bright”
  • “i can’t admit that you’ve got all the strings and know how to tug them”
  • “losing you was something i always did so well”
  • “i don’t do anything anymore”
  • “sorry, i nearly lost my head”
  • “this feeling i dread, it makes me wish i was dead”
  • “i’ll be alone instead, i don’t need anyone in this bed”
  • “i come home on my own”
  • “i don’t care if i don’t look pretty”
  • “big girls cry when their hearts are breaking”
  • “i’m in pain”
  • “she gives me toothaches just from kissing me”
  • “i didn’t care much how long i lived”
  • “heaven and hell were words to me”
  • “i need to feel your hands upon my face”
  • “words can be like knives. they can cut you open”
  • “i think i might have inhaled you”
  • “i can feel you flowing in me”
  • “i miss you more than i thought i would”
  • “i never meant to start a fire. i never meant to make you bleed”
  • “i’ll love the world like i should”
  • “the blood on my hands scares me to death”
  • “you took a chance and you took a fall for us”
  • “my love, look what you can do”
  • “i know in peace you’ll go. i hope relief is yours”
  • “was i selfish again? well, i can’t help that”
  • “i pour my heart out on the ice and everyone’s watching but you”
  • “i can’t see you, you can’t see me”
  • “everybody’s watching but you, and i don’t think i want them to”
  • “there’s a bitter storm inside of me”
  • “i do it all for you”
  • “it’s all gone to shit, it’s out of our hands”
  • “if you’re searching for us, you’ll find us side by side”
  • “as long as we’re going down, baby you should stick around”
  • “does any of this love exist or is this just a fire keeping out the cold?”
  • “memories never lie”
  • “tell me that i’m right”
  • “your tired, unfamiliar face says it all”
  • “even though we all grow old, love will never die”
  • “that was long ago”
  • “i used to call you my own, my dear”
  • “now you’re lost and i am drunk alone”
  • “when you said your last goodbye, i died a little bit inside”
  • “if you loved me, why’d you leave me?”
  • “our love was made for movie screens”
  • “i tried to be someone else for you”
  • “i thought that i loved you, but we weren’t love”
  • “there was something that was not there”
  • “i can sleep forever these days”
  • “i believe in anything that brings you back home to me”
  • “there is no distraction to mask what is real”
  • “now you’ll be missing from the photographs”
  • “in my thoughts, you’re far away”
  • “i can picture you so easily”
  • “what’s gonna be left the world if you’re not in it?”
  • “every minute of every hour, i miss you more”
  • “it’s such a shame we have to see them burn”
  • “i’ve lost control of all of my senses”
  • “put me in my place”
  • “i can’t help but think of you”
  • “it’s always been just you and me”
  • “and i’ll hold in these hands all that remains”
  • “i don’t want to rest in peace, i’d rather be the ghost that annoys you”
  • “hold me in your arms”
  • “don’t listen to your friends, they only care once in a while”
  • “it’s pulling me back”
  • “when you go home, everything looks different”
  • “i wish you would tell me how you really feel”
  • “when you leave me, you take away everything”
  • “that’s not our deal”
  • “i want you so much”
  • “i want to go back to the first time, the first place”
  • “my heart is open like a door, but i don’t trust you like before”
  • “you came and took me by surprise”
  • “maybe one day you’ll be the one, but until then…”
  • “now i’m fucked up and i’m missing you”
  • “please just look me in my face and tell me everything’s okay”
  • “i’ll never be like you”
  • “absolve me of my sins, won’t you?”
  • “it hurts me everytime i see you”
  • “i hate that i love you”
  • “you want her, you need her, and i’ll never be her”
  • “do you miss me like i miss you?”
  • “wedding bells were just alarms”
  • “you said you wouldn’t but you fucking did”
  • “i guess this is moving on”
  • “you don’t care, you never did”
  • “you don’t give a damn about me”
  • “you’re only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope”
  • “if you’re looking for love, know that love don’t live here anymore”
  • “i don’t want to see you go, i just want to see you smile”
  • “tell me that now is not the end”
  • “if you’re trying to find pity, then you need to look somewhere else”
  • “i’m a first class let down”
  • “how did it come to this?”
  • “love is a polaroid- better in picture but never can fill the void”
  • “if it’s broken then it can be fixed”
  • “all you need is time”
  • “we promised the world we’d tame it”
  • “i wonder what keeps us so high up”
  • “could there be a love beneath these wings?”

ed sheeran’s divide | sentence meme.

eraser.

  • ❛ i was born into a small town. i lost that state of mind. ❜
  • ❛ so blame it on the pain that blessed me with the life. ❜
  • ❛ friends and family filled with envy when they should be filled with pride. ❜
  • ❛ when the world’s against me is when i really come alive. ❜
  • ❛ you know that i’ve got whisky with white lies and smoke in my lungs. ❜
  • ❛ i need to get in the right mind and clear myself up. ❜
  • ❛ i look in the mirror, questioning what i’ve become. ❜
  • ❛ i’m well aware of certain things that can destroy a person like me. ❜
  • ❛ i am happy on my own so here i’ll stay. ❜
  • ❛ save your loving arms for a rainy day. ❜
  • ❛ i’ll find comfort in my pain eraser. ❜
  • ❛ i chased the picture perfect life. i think they painted it wrong. ❜
  • ❛ i beg you, don’t be disappointed with the person i’ve become. ❜
  • ❛ the world may be filled with hate, but keep erasing it now, somehow. ❜

castle on the hill.

  • ❛ i was younger then. ❜
  • ❛ i found my heart and broke it here. ❜
  • ❛ i know i’ve grown. i can’t wait to go home. ❜
  • ❛ i miss the way you make me feel. ❜
  • ❛ we watched the sun set over the castle on the hill. ❜
  • ❛ had my first kiss on a friday day. i don’t reckon i did it right. ❜

dive.

  • ❛ maybe i came on too strong. maybe i waited too long. ❜
  • ❛ maybe i played my cards wrong. oh, just a little bit wrong. ❜
  • ❛ i could live, i could die, hanging on the words you say. ❜
  • ❛ i’ve been known to give my all. ❜
  • ❛ so don’t call me, baby, unless you mean it. ❜
  • ❛ don’t tell me you need me if you don’t believe it. ❜
  • ❛ so let me know the truth before i dive right into you. ❜
  • ❛ do you have a tendency to lead some people on? ‘cuz i heard you do. ❜

shape of you. 

  • ❛ the club isn’t the best place to find a lover, so the bar is where i go. ❜
  • ❛ your love was handmade for somebody like me. ❜
  • ❛ i’m in love with the shape of you. we push and pull like a magnet do. ❜
  • ❛ although my heart is falling too, i’m in love with your body. ❜
  • ❛ last night you were in my room, and now my bed sheets smell like you. ❜
  • ❛ we talk for hours and hours about the sweet and the sour. ❜

Keep reading

necrojade  asked:

On a happy note, what are some of your favorite things about Lance? :3

oh boy 

  • he loves mermaids
  • THE SQUEAL WHEN HE SAYS “MERMAIDS!!!” YOU KNOW THE ONE
  • “i dont need pants. im a mermaid”
  • he’s an amazing sniper and, as an archer, i have a soft spot for long-distance weapons and characters using them
  • he has pretty pretty blue eyes and they’re so expressive
  • sound effects
  • flirts with aliens at any given time, at all, like, me too??????
  • “hasta la later, keith” *dances aggressively*
  • helped pidge find money so she could buy a game she was excited about and also turned into a dolphin-human hybrid to do so. he loves her so much i want to die 
  • related: he’s probably the best older brother i bet he took his younger siblings to the beach and stayed w them all day and played with them and made sand castles and sand mermaids with them
  • literally puts his life in danger regularly to save people ???  the explosion and air vacuum thingie scenes come to mind. god he’s so good
  • that being said he can be kinda selfish (literally manipulated hunk into leaving his lion and coming w him to investigate mermaids just bc he likes mermaids) and i love that about him, i love that he’s not a perfect good boy, i wish the fandom would stop ignoring this tbh tbh
  • the entire scene in s2 where he was talking abt their plan and like, did amazing imitations. shook his butt. dabbed. literally morphed into a strange galra-humanoid thing for the sake of The Drama™
  • “that’s the tagline from like six of my favourite movies” lance is a big nerd confirmed
  • his fucking pickup lines are so funny? they’re so bad they’re good. i’d fall for them lance. i’d fall for them
  • takes the time to explain stuff when keith doesnt understand, like, they could have easily just made him make fun of keith for not getting the “vol” “tron” thing but he instead explains it 
  • also good at diffusing situations and thinking things thru *insert that god i wish that were me meme*
  • *talks fondly about his team and then immediately shits on himself* relatable tbh (but i wish he wouldnt)
  • god, his insecurities are so real they’re palpable. i think a lot of people can see themselves in him bc of them and that’s really cool
  • “is…that a cow” “mmhmmm” 
  • arguably the only paladin with any semblance of fashion sense
  • AND ON THAT NOTE HE’S A MALE CHARACTER WHO’S SHOWN TO LOVE SKINCARE UNABASHEDLY and that’s not something you ever see in media and as a cosmetician IT’S REALLY COOL BECAUSE NOW LITTLE BOYS WILL WATCH THIS AND SAY “hey lance is cool and he takes care of his skin maybe i should too!!!” like YES LANCE THANK YOU FOR DESTROYING TOXIC MASCULINITY 
  • the scene w coran and keith outside his door, when he cuts keith off with the buhububbUHBUHUHGBUHG >A< !!!!!
  • his little “yup” after shiro says the sharpshooter thing
  • HIS ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP W HUNK TBH FRIENDSHIP GOALS he looks at hunk so fondly NEED ME A FREAQUE LIKE THAT
  • *beautifully emerges from a coma to shoot someone, smirks, falls back into a coma beautifully*
  • also flirts w allura to hide the fact that he’s genuinely concerned about their situation that’s a big mood
  • flirts the moment he emerges from a fucking coma
  • flirts. so much. he’s always flirting i love that boy
  • MAMA’S BOY♥
  • when he had a squid on his head and just rolled w it
  • “this castle has gone apples and bananas!”
  • this:

edit: i forgot where i snagged this pic from but it was from one of @planced‘s gifsets :)

i coudl go on but for your sake i will stop

The Last Unicorn (1982) starters.
  • ❛  I dislike the feel of these woods.  ❜
  • ❛  Unicorns? I thought they only existed in fairytales.  ❜
  • ❛  This is a forest like any other. Isn’t it ?  ❜
  • ❛  Let’s turn around. Hunt somewhere else.  ❜
  • ❛  This is no world for you.  ❜
  • ❛  Good luck to you, for you are the last.  ❜
  • ❛  What do men know ?  ❜
  • ❛  We are as old as the sky, old as the moon.  ❜
  • ❛  We can be hunted, we can be trapped, we can even be killed but we do not vanish !  ❜
  • ❛  Have you traveled very far ?  ❜
  • ❛  Be a little respectful, do you know who I am ?  ❜
  • ❛  Your name is a golden bell, hung in my heart.  ❜
  • ❛  I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name.  ❜
  • ❛  In all your wanderings, have you seen others like me ?  ❜
  • ❛  Have you seen the others? Where have they gone? Tell me which way I must go to find them.  ❜
  • ❛  No, no, listen ! Don’t listen to me, listen !  ❜
  • ❛  You can find the others if you are brave.  ❜
  • ❛  What if they’re waiting for me ? In need of my help ?  ❜
  • ❛  Well hello there little one !  ❜
  • ❛  And just who might you belong to ? a pretty little thing like you ?  ❜
  • ❛  In my heart I carry such a heavy load.  ❜
  • ❛  And here I thought I’d seen the last of them !  ❜
  • ❛  I know you. If I were blind I would know what you are.  ❜
  • ❛  You wouldn’t have heard of me.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s not much of a job for a real magician, but I’ve had worse.  ❜
  • ❛  You’re mine. If you kill me, you’re still mine.  ❜
  • ❛  Your death sits in that cage and she hears you.  ❜
  • ❛  She’ll kill me one day or another, but she will remember forever that I caught her, that I held her prisoner. So there’s my immortality.  ❜
  • ❛  You were out on the road hunting for your own death !  ❜
  • ❛  He’ll not have you ! You belong to me.  ❜
  • ❛  We are two sides of the same magic.  ❜
  • ❛  You are safer here. You should thank me for protecting you.  ❜
  • ❛  There has never been a spell on me before.  ❜
  • ❛  It’s a very rare person who is taken for what he truly is.  ❜
  • ❛  Will you help me ?  ❜
  • ❛  You’re my last chance.  ❜
  • ❛  Can you truly set me free ?  ❜
  • ❛  I asked him a riddle and it always takes that lout all night to solve riddles.  ❜
  • ❛  the spell was wrong but there was true magic in it ! try again.  ❜
  • ❛  My dear you deserve the services of a great wizard but I’m afraid you’ll have to be glad of the aide of a second rate pickpocket.  ❜
  • ❛  Okay, (name), I give up. Why is a raven like a writing desk ?  ❜
  • ❛  She’ll kill you if you set her free !  ❜
  • ❛  Don’t look back, and don’t run.  ❜
  • ❛  You must never run from anything immortal, it attracts their attention.  ❜
  • ❛  She chose her death long ago. It was the fate she wanted.  ❜
  • ❛  You have no regrets as I do ?  ❜
  • ❛  I’ve never seen anyone like you. Not while I was awake, anyway.  ❜
  • ❛  I’m going where they are, to learn whatever they know.  ❜
  • ❛  Take me with you ! for luck, for laughs, for the unknown.  ❜
  • ❛  You could never have granted my true wish.  ❜
  • ❛  I cannot turn you into something you are not.  ❜
  • ❛  Hide yourself ! We’ll find each other later.  ❜
  • ❛  Mind your heads now, it’s raining ninnies !  ❜
  • ❛  Put me down you fool !  ❜
  • ❛  I don’t like the look of him.  ❜
  • ❛  That’s only (name)’s way, but she has a good heart.  ❜
  • ❛  This is not happening.  ❜
  • ❛  We’ll both be gentlemen of leisure in a months time.  ❜
  • ❛  Oh, I love you.  ❜
  • ❛  She shall never have you !  ❜
  • ❛  We will perish together.  ❜
  • ❛  Did you see me ? Were you watching ?  ❜
  • ❛  Did you see what I made ?  ❜
  • ❛  It’s gone now, but I had it !  ❜
  • ❛  Where have you been ? Where have you been ! ?  ❜
  • ❛  Where were you when I was new ?  ❜
  • ❛  How dare you come to me now when I am this !  ❜
  • ❛  It’s alright, I forgive you.  ❜
  • ❛  You can’t come with us ! we’re on a quest !  ❜
  • ❛  Well, you’re going the wrong way.  ❜
  • ❛  You have all the power you need if you dare to look for it.  ❜
  • ❛  What have you done ! ?  ❜
  • ❛  The power will come to me whenever I need it, and one day! One day it will come to me when I call !  ❜
  • ❛  You are an idiot !  ❜
  • ❛  Don’t ! Don’t you hurt yourself !  ❜
  • ❛  I can feel this body dying all around me !  ❜
  • ❛  You are losing my interest, and that is very dangerous.  ❜
  • ❛  I will keep nothing near me that does not make me happy.  ❜
  • ❛  How would you know ?  ❜
  • ❛  Well, just look at you !  ❜
  • ❛  Come on, I’ll write you a reference.  ❜
  • ❛  You have let your doom in by the front door !  ❜
  • ❛  What are you looking at ?  ❜
  • ❛  What is the matter with your eyes ?  ❜
  • ❛  You may come and go as you please.  ❜
  • ❛  My secrets guard themselves, may yours do the same.  ❜
  • ❛  Please, let me help you. What can I do for you ?  ❜
  • ❛  And then she looked at me and I was sorry I had killed the thing.  ❜
  • ❛  For her sake I’ve become a hero but my great deeds mean nothing to her !  ❜
  • ❛  I wish to be whatever she has most need of.  ❜
  • ❛  You are cruel to him.  ❜
  • ❛  He only wishes you to think of him.  ❜
  • ❛  Who am I ? Why am I here ?  ❜
  • ❛  I knew a moment ago, but I have forgotten.  ❜
  • ❛  I was innocent and wise and full of pain.  ❜
  • ❛  Now that I’m a woman, everything has changed.  ❜
  • ❛  Why won’t you help me ? Why must you always speak in riddles ?  ❜
  • ❛  I would tell you what you want to know if I could.  ❜
  • ❛  I am always dreaming, even when I am awake. It is never finished.  ❜
  • ❛  I would court you with more grace if I knew how.  ❜
  • ❛  Drown out my dreams. Keep me from remembering whatever wants me to remember it.  ❜
  • ❛  Words are always getting in my way.  ❜
  • ❛  That’s all I have to tell you. That’s all I’ve got to say.  ❜
  • ❛  I’m not a man of poetry. Music isn’t one with me.  ❜
  • ❛  As if I didn’t have enough troubles.  ❜
  • ❛  Well of course you’re of noble birth, anyone could see that.  ❜
  • ❛  Love is slowing you down, my lady.  ❜
  • ❛  It was pleasant enough at first, but it died quickly.  ❜
  • ❛  There is nothing of yours that I desire.  ❜
  • ❛  There is no movement of yours that has not betrayed you.  ❜
  • ❛  I like to watch them. They fill me with joy.  ❜
  • ❛  The first time I felt it, I thought I was going to die.  ❜
  • ❛  Do you dare still pretend to be human ?  ❜
  • ❛  It makes no difference. The end will be the same. I can wait.  ❜
  • ❛  Shut up you pretentious kneecap !  ❜
  • ❛  How would you like a punch in the eye ?  ❜
  • ❛  It’s so nice to have someone to play with.  ❜
  • ❛  Try me tomorrow. Maybe I’ll tell you tomorrow.  ❜
  • ❛  Give it to me if you don’t want it but don’t throw it away !  ❜
  • ❛  Give me the wine !  ❜
  • ❛  You would have gone without me ?  ❜
  • ❛  No name you could give her would surprise or frighten me.  ❜
  • ❛  I love whom I love.  ❜
  • ❛  I will go no further.  ❜
  • ❛  Everything dies. I want to die when you die.  ❜
  • ❛  Yes, that is my wish.  ❜
  • ❛  I am a hero, and heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen.  ❜
  • ❛  A quest may not simply be abandoned.  ❜
  • ❛  A happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story.  ❜
  • ❛  What if there isn’t a happy ending at all ?  ❜
  • ❛  There are no happy endings, because nothing ends.  ❜
  • ❛  Do something ! You have the power ! I will kill you if you don’t do something !  ❜
  • ❛  That’s what heroes are for.  ❜
  • ❛  I’ve never had any friends before.  ❜
  • ❛  Men don’t always know when they’re happy.  ❜
  • ❛  I’m sorry. I have done you evil and I cannot undo it.  ❜
  • ❛  No sorrow will live in me as long as that joy.  ❜
Hiveswap Teaser #2 Analysis

So, first of all, HYPE. Although I never stopped being Hyped but. MORE HYPE. Before I start talking at all about the teaser trailer, I gotta say, I’m glad WP are taking their time refining and bug-fixing to make a great game for us to enjoy, and knowing how far along it is and how close the release date might be, we’ll wait to see how it comes out!

Okay so the teaser, first we start with what seems like Joey peeping into the attic of the house through a hole. That already makes me feel we’ll get the little tease of knowing where to go but forbidding us from seeing what’s behind the cool curtain until we find the key that opens the door there.

There are a LOT of guns, some sarcophagus, tons of horse imagery, statues in the background, mirrors, Jake sure loves tossing stuff he finds during his adventures around the house! The multitude of items frame the centerpiece of the portal quite well, and the eerie glow gives-

Wait.

Okay, wait, what the FUCK JAKE.

DO YOU SEE WHAT I’M SEEING?

WHERE THE HELL DID JAKE GET THE CLOCK?!

We start /well/ if this is the kind of shenanigans Hiveswap has prepared for us, oh my god. This means that by this point in the timeline, Jake had access to SBURB stuff, though, so that’s an interesting thing to have in mind.

The camera zooms on the portal, and then Joey appears, reaching over to expose it, before cutting to the title. Hiveswap.

Can I say, I’m really glad about the direction they took with the 2D stuff. Everything looks so good, Joey’s expressions and movement are so sweet. I love her already.

The next scene cuts to Jude using a flare gun (Which we see later in his inventory) likely to warn Joey or to use it as a distraction somewhere else? The pile of leaves right under the window makes me think he’ll have to hop right off the window and into it in the future. There’s also a fountain on the wall that looks like a Lich, further confirming Jake’s already gone hunting to the Medium by this point. Also, the sky, the clouds, the background, looks absolutely GORGEOUS.

Then the flare lands in front of the house, and here we can see a few things. First of all, the statue. Of course. And also, I bet Jude cut the bushes to look like Nessie because he’s a cryptid fan. However, there’s a thing I just realised. I don’t know if this was a detail in the prior trailer or not but…

Doesn’t the house look just… Not taken care of? The previews of the inside, all the stuff just thrown everywhere, I assumed Jake was just kinda like that, messy. But the look of the house on the outside, with the broken pillars and the vegetation growing everywhere. The broken glass is likely from the monsters, but otherwise…

Jake. How long have you left those two poor kids alone? Not to say, wherever ‘Hauntswich’ is, there doesn’t seem to be a soul ANYWHERE in the surrounding area except for their creepy neighbours.

Next, Joey is crawling through the vents, either to get in or escape from some monsters, and while happy, soon the vents shake and her expression shifts. The way her expression dynamically changes like that, I love it, makes me think a lot about some Homestuck panels. That being said, either the vent is shaky, there’s something BIG and lumbering down the halls of the manor, or the damage to the house is more extensive than it appears.

Then, oh boy the UI looks neat! Worried Joey wanders the halls of her basement, I presume. The X at the top-left might be to make the UI disappear, or perhaps a quick quit to the game? Options on the top-right, help… Then, the inventory seems managed with Captcha Cards, of course. Easy to access and drag around to combine with stuff. Then there’s her battle… Stances? Weapons? There’s what seems like a ‘stomp’, her normal shoes. Then ballerina shoes, and her flashlight.

This makes me wonder how the combat system is. Furthermore- Joey seems to have the shoe selected! What’s that for? Maybe to hint that’s what you want to do in a sneak attack? Or is it not the weapons, and just something more like her ‘stance’? But if it was her stance, wouldn’t the flashlight be the one chosen right now? We’ll see how that works.

Of course, more to the right, there’s the character… Selector? Right now we have Joey, and you can talk with your Jude with a Walkie-Talkie. Straight-forward enough.

Also Jake, please.

Jude’s side of things isn’t looking too hot. That mansion looks fucking MASSIVE. It looks more like a village, but everything’s too… Bunched up together for that to be the case. Lumbering shadows, just there. Staring. The view is amazing, but very, very eerie. Here we see he only has a flare gun- Which we see him using earlier. Again, straight-forward enough.

Now is when things start getting interesting.

First of all, the new design of the Cherub Key is amazing. Cherub Teeth are the fangs, with the Calliope-Caliborn spiral in the middle, and the snakes coiling up. But also-

IT’S ALIVE? JESUS THAT’S CREEPY.

Creepiness aside, I like this much, much more. The one preview we had when it was still 3D had Joey actually reaching in to turn it on herself, just out of pure curiosity. In this situation, however? She’s being /dragged/ by the key, forced to open the portal, not by her own volition. This makes much more sense narrative-wise, and also makes me wonder if the key itself is a Juju. The lollipop forced Jane to lick it after all, and Jake has the CLOCK, so a Juju key with a Juju teleporter? Yeah, that fits.

The cherub snake-beams activate and… Okay, while the glow of the energy is red on the Caliborn snake and green on the Calliope one, both the eyes AND the sparks around the energy are green on both sides. Maybe the teleporter uses First Guardian energy in some capacity?

Finally, we switch to the Trolls! Xefros is a cutie, and that’s some RADICAL VIOLET BLOOD riding a… Bronze grub. That sure’s a way to promote the drink. Anyone can decypher what the can says?

Then we have a first GOOD look at Xefros’ Hive! There’s a picture of the Sloth Lusus, Xefros and Dammek. Cute. Also there’s a tree going through the entire top, maybe his hive is like Terezi’s? It could be, his Lusus IS a Sloth, and Joey switches with Dammek, so it’d make sense Dammek is the one with the more urban hive.

We see an Alternian Phone, some videogame, with HEXAGONAL DISCS. I don’t care if it’s more bug-like, that’s so incredibly inconvenient and asinine, Hussie, What Pumpkin. >:V Then of course, theres Trizza broadcasting her memes permanently on the TV, and the first look at Xefros’ weapon of choice! Which seems to be a… Cricket bat? Cool.

Then Xefros slams the can of soda against his forehead to crush it. Nice.

This is a lovely look at the urban look of Alternia. It’s curious, Trolls are nocturnal so I expected to see more activity at night. Then again, Drones have been taking Trolls to cull, so it’d make sense if they’re all hiding.

ALSO DAMMEK’S LUSUS! They’re riding it around :D Likely going from Dammek’s place and towards Xefros’ if he does live in a tree-Hive. The background of the Alternian Landscape is absolutely haunting.

We have a VS Screen! Not only that, but Joey’s reaction to each enemy and situation seems to vary from one to the next. That’s a nice touch.

Joey, you’re being unnecessarily extra. That’s Jude’s pigeon though, and the bat monster seems surprised by Joey’s dramatic entrance!

Okay so, the thing at the bottom seems like it’s maybe the battle system? The right arrow points at Joey, so maybe it’s her turn and when it’s the monster’s it points left. Then the three spikes at the top might expand into something like. Abscond, Abjure, Aggrieve? Again, I have no idea how the system will work. Also, the bat seems confused and bouncing around. It’s hard to tell if this is RIGHT after the Vs Screen, and being surprised made it flip the fuck out, or if Joey did something that confused it and made it bounce around.

The state of the kitchen really drives home the fact Jake has been an absent father for a VERY LONG TIME. Have they just been ordering noodles to eat all this time? I can see some adorable pictures on the fridge.

There she goes. What do you wanna bet that in Hauntswitch Act 1 we get a scene exactly like this but with Dammek’s silhouette going down the red shaft?

Me too, Joey. Me too.

Finally, “The door is nearly open” seems like a reference to the little line on the Hiveswap page: “First thing’s first. You need to open the door.”

Conclusion: I NEED THIS GAME NOW. Patiently waiting for it to come out, still very hype.

◆ —— CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL QUOTES STARTER PROMPTS.

❛ They’re safe ❜  
❛ She’s/he’s/they’re safe, just like I promised. ❜
❛ And you get to die for her/him/them, just like you promised. ❜
❛ We’re all men/woman of our word. ❜
❛ This is either madness or brilliance. ❜
❛ It’s remarkable how often those two traits coincide. ❜
❛ Me? I’m dishonest. ❜
❛ And a dishonest man/woman/person you can always trust to be dishonest. ❜
❛ It’s the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly.. stupid. ❜
❛ This is the day you will always remember as the day you almost caught NAME. ❜
❛ You cheated. ❜
❛ Pirate. ❜
❛ You are without doubt the worst pirate I’ve ever heard of. ❜
❛ What’s your purpose? ❜
❛ I confess, it is my intention to commandeer one of these ships. ❜
❛ I confess, it is my intention to raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out. ❜
❛ I said no lies. ❜
❛ I think he’s telling the truth. ❜
❛ If he/she/they were telling the truth, he/she/they wouldn’t have told us. ❜
❛ That’s not true. ❜
❛ I am not obsessed with treasure. ❜
❛ Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate. ❜
❛ You’re supposed to be dead! ❜
❛ The only rules that matter are these: what a man/woman/person can do and what a man/woman/person can’t do. ❜
❛ Pirate is in your blood, boy. ❜
❛ I can let you drown. ❜
❛ So, can you sail under the command of a pirate, or can you not? ❜
❛ Drink up, me hearties. Yo ho. ❜
❛ You burned all the food, the shade.. the rum! ❜
❛ Yes, the rum is gone. ❜
❛ Why is the rum gone? ❜
❛ It is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels. ❜
❛ The entire Royal Navy is out looking for me. ❜
❛ Do you really think there is even the slightest chance they won’t see it? ❜
❛ There’ll be no living with him/her/them after this. ❜
❛ I am here to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against PLACE. ❜
❛ There are a lot of long words in there, Miss/Mr. ❜
❛ We’re naught but humble pirates. ❜
❛ What is it that you want? ❜
❛ I want you to leave and never come back. ❜
❛ I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Mean’s no. ❜
❛ I didn’t steal it, if that’s what you mean. ❜
❛ Too long I’ve been starving to death and haven’t died. ❜
❛ I feel nothing. ❜
❛ You best start believing in ghost stories, NAME. You’re in one. ❜
❛ No survivors? Then where do the stories come from, I wonder? ❜
❛ If you were waiting for the opportune moment, that was it. ❜
❛ I want you to know that I was rooting for you. Know that. ❜
❛ It never would have worked between us, darling. ❜
❛ I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t know. ❜
❛ How far are you willing to go to save her/him/them? ❜
❛ I’d die for her/him/them. ❜
❛ You need to find yourself a girl/boy, mate. ❜
❛ Who are you? ❜
❛ No one. He’s no one. Distant cousin of my aunt’s nephew twice removed. Lovely singing voice. Eunuch. ❜
❛ A wedding? I love weddings. Drinks all around! ❜
❛ I love this song. ❜
❛ You’ll be positively the most fearsome pirates in the Spanish Main. ❜
❛ You stole my boat! ❜
❛ I borrowed. Borrowed without permission, but with every intention of bringing it back. ❜
❛ It’s frightful bad luck to have a woman on board. ❜
❛ She/he/they go free. ❜
❛ You only got one shot. ❜
❛ We can’t die. ❜
❛ Don’t do anything stupid. ❜
❛ The crew are not to be harmed. ❜
❛ Curse you for breathin’, ya slack-jawed idiot. ❜
❛ You should know better than to wake a man when he’s sleepin’. It’s bad luck. ❜
❛ Savvy? ❜
❛ It’s not worth you getting beat again. ❜
❛ You didn’t beat me. ❜
❛ You ignored the rules of engagement. In a fair fair, I’d kill you. ❜
❛ That’s not much incentive for me to fight fair then, is it? ❜
❛ The deepest circle of hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers. ❜
❛ You know nothing of hell. ❜
❛ How can we sail to an island that nobody can find with a compass that doesn’t work? ❜
❛ I’m actually feeling rather good about this. ❜
❛ You could surrender. ❜
❛ I’m gonna teach you the meaning of pain. ❜
❛ You like pain? Try wearing a corset. ❜
❛ Wretch. ❜
❛ I couldn’t resist, mate. ❜
❛ That’s got to be the best pirate I’ve ever seen. ❜
❛ I cannot just step aside and let you escape. ❜
❛ This shot was not meant for you. ❜
❛ You’re pirates. ❜
❛ Hang the code, and hang the rules. They’re more like guidelines, anyway. ❜
❛ You lying bastard! ❜
❛ Don’t dare impugn me honor, boy/girl! ❜
❛ I always liked you. ❜
❛ It goes with your black heart. ❜
❛ I really rather hoped we were past all this. ❜
❛ Perhaps you’ll conjure up another miraculous escape, but I doubt it. ❜
❛ Do us a favor. I know it’s difficult for you… but please, stay here, and try not to do anything… stupid. ❜
❛ Even a good decision if made for the wrong reasons can be a wrong decision. ❜
❛ Any man who falls behind, is left behind. ❜
❛ Take what you can! Give nothin’ back. ❜
❛ I hardly believe in ghost stories. ❜
❛ We are cursed men. ❜
❛ Will you be saving her/him then? ❜
❛ I can’t swim. ❜
❛ I’m watching over you. ❜
❛ I should have told you from the moment I met you. I love you. ❜
❛ Hang him. ❜
❛ Keep your guns on him, men. ❜
❛ How did you escape last time? ❜
❛ This man/woman/person saved my life. ❜
❛ One good deed is not enough to redeem a man of a lifetime of wickedness. ❜
❛ Come out… and we promise we won’t hurt you. ❜
❛ I invoke the right of parlay. ❜
❛ I can’t breathe. ❜
❛ You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before? ❜
❛ I had a dream about you last night. ❜
❛ You don’t want to be doing that, mate. ❜
❛ I’m curious. After killing me, what is it you’re planning on doing next? ❜
❛ Do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death? ❜
❛ You forget your place. ❜
❛ So, this is where your heart truly lies? ❜
❛ I already feel like a fool. ❜
❛ I admire a person who’s willing to do whatever’s necessary. ❜
❛ You’re a smart man/woman/person, but I don’t entirely trust you. ❜
❛ I’m not sure I deserved that. ❜
❛ I may have deserved that. ❜
❛ You’re safe now. ❜
❛ You’re despicable. ❜
❛ I saved your life, you saved mine. We’re square. ❜
❛ I can get you out of here. ❜
❛ I’d need a lot more to drink. ❜
❛ It was a good plan.. up ‘till now. ❜
❛ Do not make the mistake in thinking you are the only man here who cares for NAME. ❜
❛ Is there a problem between us? ❜
❛ Every decision you’ve made has only brought us from bad to worse. ❜
❛ Easy on the goods, darling. ❜
❛ I’m not entirely sure that I’ve had enough rum to allow that kind of talk. ❜
❛ He’s still breathing. ❜
❛ Easy on the goods, darling. ❜