so happy i have no children

8

Cup Noodle Museum in Minato Mirai Yokohama (๑´•.̫ • `๑)

The existence of this museum might be surprising to some but considering how Japanese cherish skills, diligence and the persistence of individuals it seems kind of natural for this museum to exist :)
The efforts taken by Momofuku Ando to make Cup Noodles and the eventual success of his ideas and products is charmingly documented in this museum by showing his shop and lab and having a nice animated film about his inspiration and how he overcame difficulties :)

I think the focus of this museum is more on children but making your own cup noodles is still something very fun and well worth while :)
My friend told me that I looked so happy in this museum :D

I always find this inspiring about Japanese success stories, the persistence and dedication make me feel better about myself focussing on the things I’m making :)
Other great examples of this are Soichiro Honda (and Takeo Fujisawa) and Hideo (Pops) Yoshimura :)

I will write about the cupnoodles I made in another article today :D

In the meantime I wish everyone sweet dreams and something you feel is uniquely you :) <=like feeling defined by what you do and not by what you are :)

Daddy Series- Hair Horrors (Yoongi)

Hey Everybody!! Here is another part of the BTS Daddy Series. Hope you enjoy and have a wonderful day!

-Admin Lex

Work sucks major fucking dicks. And you were a 100% sure that by the end of the day your souls had been sucked clean out of you. That’s some pretty hard suckage.

*ding*

1 Unread Message from (D)livery(Boi)

As you grabbed your bag, ready to walk out of the office you flipped out your phone, and nearly fainted at the words in front of you.

It was known that you loved your daughter’s hair. It was black just like her father’s but, was curly just like yours. She looked like a little angel. So when you got that text from your husband saying that something went wrong with her hair, you fucking booked it out of the office and got mad as you tried to rush through traffic.

Opening to the door you ran to the bathroom to see exactly what he was talking about. Horrified you threw your bag to the floor, and rushed to her, cupping her face in your hands.

“Oh my lord! What happened, baby?”

Yoongi sighed as he took a seat on the edge of the tub.

“I told her to go get ready for dance class, and when I went to check on her she was dressed for class but she decided that she was going to cut herself some bangs, and brush through her hair.”

You looked sadly at the choppy staircase bangs and the matted mess with a hairbrush sticking out of it and sighed.

Picking her up you sat her on her little step stool and rolled up your sleeves.

~

Yoongi sat silently as he watched you work wonders on your daughter’s mess. Somehow you had managed to get out the brush painlessly along with her cute little ringlets.

As he watched you work with her, he could see you wince every now, and again, and heard every sigh you let out in exasperation. He knew you’d had a rough day at work the second you walked into the house. Your hair was frizzy, your eyes had dark circles around them, and you were hunched over in utter pain. He hated to ask you for help but he had no idea how to handle this situation.

He truly felt horrible.

~

Finishing up her bangs you smile, and kiss her cheek, earning a squeal in response.

Checking your phone you smiled as you realized that she could still make it to dance class on time. Grabbing your purse you rushed down the stairs calling back to your husband.

“I’ll be right back. I’ll get us takeout on my back.”

Before he could object, you were already pulling out of the driveway.

~

Opening the house door you sigh as you set down your bag at the door, and moan happily as you take off your shoes. Unbuttoning your shirt you start to walk to the bedroom, a bag of takeout in the other hand. Setting the bag on your nightstand you peel off your dirty work clothes and settle for something comfier.

As you sit on the bed you call out to Yoongi for dinner.

“Yoongs! Dinners here!”

Nothing.

“Yoongi?”

Nothing.

Groaning you get up from the bed, and make your way to the bathroom. Maybe he’s busy?

Knocking on the closed door, you hear a loud “Fuck!” Followed by a bunch of shit falling to the floor. Including the sound of a human body.

Opening the door you see your husband, on the floor, bubbles overflowing out of the tub, a few knocked over candles, and basically just a huge fucking mess.

You giggle at the sight, understanding his failed gesture, and help him up.

God, you loved this man.

Originally posted by jimiyoong

Finally! I wasted more time than expected doing this trash. Now I need to sleep. I mean, I literally fell asleep over it several times. And the funniest part is that I don’t even like how it came out. At this point I don’t even know why I made it. I realized, awfuly late, that it wasn’t worth it to illustrate such a tiny HC in such a long thing. Three drawings could have been enough. Also, I’m sorry if you’re disappointed (and if you’re not, be sure I’m disappointed on myself) bc I’m sure you were expecting something better, but I said it was the trash I always do but bigger. Sorry for the bad quality, the bad english and the messy coloring. Oh, and forgive my horrible handwritting.

Some people seemed to like that HC I had about Scrooge’s reaction to the news about the triplets so I decided to illustrate it. I’m actually 99.9% sure Scrooge wouldn’t react like this. He would be all like “oh, so you had children. That means other three beaks to feed”. And very deep inside himself he would be happy and proud but he wouldn’t want anyone to know. But that’s why this is just fan trash, shhh. Anyways, I did it and it’s awful, so here it is.

Yeah. This doesn’t even have a context. It’s just… let’s call it a practice. Y'know, maybe Scrooge didn’t even meet HD&L because, you know, The Spear of Selene and I better shut up beacuse this can turn into angst. Anyways, I did it with love but I ruined it and I’m missing the sketch vertion. P.S. I know, poor Ludwig. I don’t want to be mean to him, he’s my other fave. Scrooge, stop being a miser and let him hold his nephews.

The thing about Sense8 is that there is not a single pairing that I don’t absolutely love??? Like how did they do that?!?! I love all of my children and this is such a beautiful show.

2

The Baudelaire’s refusal to be grateful for their unfortunate events seemed like such a good message for kids - so I made a thing.

bzfd.it
Ian Somerhalder Says He Threw Out Nikki Reed's Birth Control Pills And The Internet Is Not Happy
"Unbeknownst to poor Nikki, she didn’t realize that I was going to go in her purse and take out her birth control."
By Julie Gerstein

“By the way, it was the beginning of the pack, so I had to pop all those suckers out. It is a lot of work, especially after a little bit of sangria,” he continued. Somerhalder even videotaped himself throwing out the pills.

Somerhalder insisted he did it without Reed’s permission, but after having discussed with her and with friends that the couple wanted to have children. He also admitted: “Actually, now thinking about it, I guess I kind of decided [to start a family].”

5

Eruri Week 2017   August 4th:   “I love you” 

My beloved Erwin and Levi after proclaiming their love to the world they went far away to live peaceful ever~after. They give eren to zeke small sacrifice, the war is over and happiness everywhere.

More that one billion years have passed by and their love is more stronger than ever.  ღ믕ᴈ믕)❤(눈ε눈ღ 


@eruriweek

My sense of humor… My contribution to my only OTP

I must say Im so happy with “The ship of the dead”.  Im so happy we have a strong, beautiful and amazing genderfluid character, and a pansexual main character. I must say that Im so happy that Alex Fierro may help children to have what I didnt when I was a child. The knowledge that what you are exists and is valid. 

Art is mine, pls reblog, do not repost :D

Yall know the drill. 5 miles, BNHA episode recap

  • Every single one of my Group Project With Terrible Group Members anxieties was on fire within 30 seconds of this episode
  • Me, quietly, under my breath: Clearly Deku is trying to do the work it’s his partner who’s not helping tell the teacher Deku deserves an A its not his fault hes in a shitty group.
  • For real this is almost a tongue-in-cheek commentary on schools handling bullying. Turns to the person clearly only being victimized who’s done nothing wrong. “Now I think you BOTH need to work on your get-along skills hmmm?”
  • They sure like to name episodes as “[Character name]: Origin”
  • I really like how Shonen Logic:tm: works where characters can be smashed through buildings and be fine, but Bakugou whapping Deku in the nose with his stupid gauntlet leaves Deku wincing on the ground.
  • and by “really like” i mean “im really fucking hurt. Deku looked so hurt he didnt deserve that”
  • Look at him. Look at him he didnt deserve that. Someone please kick Bakugou’s ass.
  • Status update: the rest of the episode is All Might kicking Bakugou’s ass. Nice. Prick.
  • Bakugou: [yells]
    Deku: [yelling] stop yelling!
  • All Might proceeds to shut Bakugou up. Nice All Might good job listening.
  • I’m so happy for All Might. He’s having the best time being a villain. You know he’s giggling like a five year old on the inside you know it. He gets to just break shit and be evil. I love it.
  • [Obligatory Sans Undertale joke]
  • OKAY SO ALL MIGHT’S NOT FUCKING AROUND ALRIGHTY THIS IS FINE.
  • HI WELCOME TO U.A. THE TOP SCHOOL IN THE WORLD OUR CURRICULUM IS BEATING THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING PULP OUT OF YOUR CHILDREN ANY QUESTIONS?
  • That’s not even hyperbole Bakugou got his breakfast beaten right out of him RIP Bakugou yikes
  • NGL the changing angle made it look for a moment like All Might impaled Deku with that fence and like….little dark, All Might.
  • “You will be my successor Midoriya when I pass the torch on oh shit fuck right you needed those internal organs. Ive lived without mine so long I forgot they were there. My bad. ……Should I move the fence?”
  • Bakugou: “I’m going to beat All Might with my own two fists!”
    All Might:
    -punches Bakugou’s breakfast right out of him-
    Bakugou: “Never mind!!!! Turns out I suck!!! Test canceled!!! I quit!!!”
  • Deku: -slugs Bakugou- listen u shit I’m not throwing away my A for this.
  • “We still have to fight All Might!!” Okay Vomit-Mouth.
  • Poor Deku, for the whole alley scene. Bakugou’s just fucking screaming at him 2.5 inches away and Bakugou won’t wipe his damn mouth like damn at least pop a breath mint or something if youre gonna harrass Deku point-blank like that it’s gross.
  • I LOVE ALL MIGHT’S RUN HE LOOKS LIKE A DOOFY VIDEO GAME CHARACTER
  • Deku: “Finally, with Bakugou’s gauntlet I can use a quirk without breaking my own arm.”
    Deku: -breaks his arm from the recoil-
    Deku: “Oh fucking come on”
  • I love Bakugou just blast-zooming through the air while he and Deku talk it’s like those long-ass Naruto scenes where they hop 2945 feet between branches. Except poor Deku’s gotta like, actually run. Offer him a ride Bakugou you animal.
  • Deku: “That gate’s fucking kawaii and I’m kinda insulted considering how I’ve been nearly killed to death like four times in this thing but okay whatever.”
  • DORK
  • ALL MIGHT THEYRE CHILDREN GODDAMN

I BEAT A MOTHER FUCKER WITH ANOTHER MOTHER FUCKER

  • Bakugou: -uses his quirk to fucking launch Deku toward the goal like a sack of potatoes-
    me, thinking back to the physical tests of season 1: Haha call back.
  • ALL MIGHT THEY ARE C H I L D R EN
  • Bakugou: “what!!?? YOU THOUGHT DEKU WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD BREAK ALL HIS ARMS AND SCREAM!!? I CAN BREAK MY ARMS EVEN FUCKING BETTER THAN HE CAN”
  • ALL MIGHT THIS IS NOT HOW MERCY WORKS
  • this is physically painful to watch im like upset
  • theyre kids theyre just kids leave them a l o n e
  • also Bakugou trying to bite All Might’s hand as a last ditch effort is just….real sad? It hurts? This all hurts?
  • Im glad Deku punched All Might he was being a real jackass today.
  • Recovery Girl, for the 19375th time: “The absolute fucking shit I put up with because of you people”
5

YOOOOO you guys said you’d like to see my succulent/cacti collection! I love them so much they are all my perfect children <3 

God I LOVE succulents so much, Looking at them makes me so happy they’re so fun. If you ever want to make me the happiest woman alive you just have to give me the SUCC-ulent. 

They desperately need repotting, actually! But I’m trying to find more space as atm they’re all squashed together on my windowsill

BUT YES ENJOY MY CHILDREN I LOVE THEM VERY MUCH.

Lyrics that turned 7 today
  •  “I’m shining like fireworks over your sad empty town”
  • “You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter”
  • “walls of insincerity, shifting eyes and vacancy, vanished when I saw your face”
  • “take pictures in your mind of your childhood room, memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home, remember the footsteps, remember the words said”
  • “minds change like the weather, [so] I hope you remember today is never too late to be brand new”
  • “wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days, always a bigger bed to crawl into, wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you”
  • “So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep, and I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe”
  • “My mind forgets to remind me you’re a bad idea”
  • “If you have children someday, when they point to the pictures, please tell them my name”

anonymous asked:

can we get some hcs for soft boy richie??

YESS HES SUCH A FUCKING SOFT BOY

(thank you @eddiesbadbreak and @stanleyuriis for some of the HCs ily)

- God, Richie is such a hopeless romantic underneath all the bullshit he spews.

- Richie is starved for attention and affection at home, which often makes him question whether he deserves that at all. So he craves attention so much, especially from Eddie.

- When they’re not bickering or joking around, Richie is so sweet with Eddie. But he definitely has to be in that mood. When Eddie is affectionate with him, calls him pet names or says that he loves Richie, Richie pretty much crumbles.

- Tbh the first time Eddie says “I love you”, Richie almost tears up because like… no one says that to him. It means more than anything because someone actually loves him and he loves them back and it’s all so amazing.

- He’s pretty sensitive, especially when it comes to his insecurities and his family situation. He totally does not show it often though, and the only people that know the true extent of how he’s feeling inside are Eddie and Bev.

- Richie is SUCH a cuddler, and often likes to be the one cuddled. He loves being the little spoon or being the one to rest his head on Eddie’s chest instead of the other way around. He loves laying with his head on Eddie’s lap when they’re with the other Losers.

- If Eddie runs his fingers through his hair, he melts instantly. He loves that shit.

- In general, he loves being taken care of by Eddie. He’s never had anyone take care of him before, so if Eddie ever acts that way it makes Richie so happy. It makes Eddie happy too because he’s always the one being babied, so he loves being on the other side especially because he just… cares so much and has so much love to give to Richie?

- Like one time Eddie packs Richie lunch for school and Richie’s like !!! This is what true bliss is. He’s smiling all day from this small gesture.

- It’s so canon that Richie keeps a spare inhaler for Eddie.

- Any time anyone laughs at his jokes it makes him SO happy. He feels awesome if people actually think he’s funny.

- Also if anyone compliments him, he’ll brush it off or make a joke out of it but everyone can always see how happy and mushy that makes him as well. He feels so valid when he feels like the people he loves love him back.

- Secretly when no one’s there, Richie and Eddie are SO fucking cheesy with each other omg. They call each other pet names. Besides the typical “Eds” or “Eddie Spaghetti” that Richie calls Eddie, he also very often calls him “babe” (which Eddie loves), or he’ll get real creative and call him absurd things like “Snicker Doodle” or “Cuddle Muffin” (which Eddie hates)

- Eddie will often call Richie “Rich”, “Red” or “Sweetie” and Richie dies every time he always gets butterflies in his stomach

- They go on cheesy dates a lot of the time: Stargazing, Rollerblading, even sharing a milkshake with two straws. A lot of the time though, the two like spending the whole day being lazy and staying in bed and eating junk food.

- Richie is super gentle with Eddie, but Eddie is also super gentle with Richie? Especially if Richie is upset, Eddie is so patient with him and will stay up comforting him all night if that’s what he wants. They’re just really careful with each other.

- Bev sometimes paints his nails and Richie really likes the way they look. He usually only lets her do one hand, though.

- Richie also loves when Bev puts hair clips in his hair to push his bangs back. She did it for the first time when making Richie do a face mask with her, but after Richie said he thought it looked really cute she continued.

- He even started doing it to keep his bangs out of his eyes when he was doing work at home. Eddie thinks it’s the cutest thing ever. Richie also loves headbands.

- Richie has THE LONGEST LASHES and SO MANY FRECKLES HE’S JUST SO PRETTY

- In general, Richie is actually so caring with his friends? I mean of course, he’ll roast and make fun of them to the moon and back but in reality they’re the most important people in his life and he would die for any one of them any day.

- No one would expect it, but he always remembers birthdays and anniversaries. He writes such long cards for all the Losers whenever it’s their birthday, talking about why he thinks each of them individually is awesome and making long lists of all the inside jokes they have together.

- He also is the best gift giver. His gifts are so thoughtful even if they’re small. He remembers what people told him they wanted months ago, or he gives them gifts that have to do with inside jokes. Things that only he could gift.

- Richie always stands up for any of the Losers without even a second thought. After Henry and his gang are gone, it’s rare for them to get bullied, especially in High School. If they ever do, it’s all verbal. They don’t really get beat up anymore. But if anyone is being a dick to any of his friends, he ALWAYS stands up to them and isn’t afraid to cuss them out, even if it means him getting detention.

- He also comforts them after they get picked on. Even underclassmen he doesn’t know. If he sees a freshman getting picked on, he’ll tell the bully to fuck off and smile so wide at the kid, telling them they’re okay!

- Tbh everyone in High School LOVES him. They think he can be kinda annoying sometimes, but he’s a genuinely good guy and he’s super funny.

- Richie is that cheesy boyfriend that picks flowers to give to Eddie. They also put flowers in each other’s long hair and Richie takes a million pictures.

- Richie saves and pressed into a book the flowers that Eddie got him after the opening night of the school musical he was starring in. His heart skipped a beat when Eddie brought him flowers and told him how amazing he was.

- As adults, Richie is so caring about Eddie especially after dealing with losing his arm. He’s so accommodating and supporting and just loves Eddie so much. After he knows Eddie is okay, all he wants is to have a happy life with him.

- As an adult, Eddie also calls Richie “Reggie” because of one time where another radio host introduced him as “Reggie Tozier.” Like you don’t even know how funny this was to Eddie. It made him tear up from laughter for like a full week after it happened, so to tease him sometimes Eddie will call him that. Richie acts like it pisses him off but he thinks it’s pretty funny himself.

- Richie’s the type of husband that comes home with flowers and is like “BAAAABE I GOT YOU FLOWERS AREN’T I THE BEST HUSBAND EVER”

- Holy shit Richie is SUCH a softie when it comes to him marrying Eddie and later when they adopt/surrogate children. Richie cries for half the wedding and then after they get their kids he tears up like EVERY damn day about it.

- He’s just so happy to actually have a family? For once in his life? Like HE built this. It’s HIS family. He gets to come home every day to such happiness it’s like unreal to him it makes him get choked up.

- BEFORE THEIR FIRST KID ARRIVES RICHIE CANNOT STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW CUTE BABY SHOES ARE.

- HE BUYS SO MANY PAIRS OF BABY SHOES THEY’RE SO SMALL THERES NO WAY THEIR CHILD’S FOOT WILL BE THAT SMALL CAN ANYTHING EVEN BE THAT SMALL??

- BUT THEN IT IS THAT SMALL AND ITS AMAZING HE LOVES IT.

- Even as adults Richie and Eddie always go on such nice dates. They never get sick of being together, especially since they feel like they have to make up for so much lost time. When they’re back together as adults it feels like falling in love all over again except this time they can actually be together and it makes Richie thank God for real.

- It’s so fucking important for Richie to be a good dad since he knows what it’s like to have horrible parents. He just wants to do what’s right.

- Overall Richie is such a sweetheart under all those dick jokes. He’s so fucking soft and good. That’s all.

Nicky is so happy when Aaron gets to bring Katelyn and Andrew is with Neil at the next exy banquet

  • When everyone’s done getting changed and Nicky sees the twins standing with their dates he is beaming
  • He gushes “I can’t believe you both have dates. I’m so proud. My boys are growing up. Can I take a picture to send to Erik?”
  • He expects to maybe get a picture of Aaron and Katelyn, but he has to ask anyways because Nicky is basically a parent on his childrens’ prom night
  • And he is just so happy to see the twins happy and not alone
  • Katelyn agrees right away and Aaron nods his head in agreement
  • Andrew agrees
  • Without any enthusiasm, but he does agree, so of course Neil goes along with it too
  • Andrew doesn’t deny Neil is his date, even though he has already said to Neil that they’re both going anyways and he doesn’t need to bring Neil as his date
  • Katelyn walks over to pose beside Aaron, so Andrew goes and stands a little further away on Aaron’s other side and Neil stops next to Andrew while Nicky gets his phone out
  • Nicky holds the phone up and Katelyn beams at the camera
  • Aaron looks much calmer than usual, but he just looks at the camera without smiling
  • Andrew stands there stone-faced and rigid
  • Neil has a blank expression
  • Nicky says “Katelyn’s the only one smiling. Can you guys try to make this look a little less like a mugshot?”
  • Katelyn turns to look at Aaron and he smiles, not just for the camera, but because he can’t not smile when Katelyn looks at him like that
  • Because this boy loves Katelyn so much and now he finally doesn’t have to hide that love
  • And sure, Andrew hasn’t talked to Katelyn or even acknowledged her all night
  • But that is safer
  • That is a blessing
  • Aaron likes being able to bring Katelyn places and not hide her
  • But he also likes Katelyn safe and separate from Andrew
  • And Aaron doesn’t really talk to Neil, but Andrew gets to have him there
  • And Aaron is a little less bitter that Andrew seems to open up to Neil so easily after years of him and Nicky trying and failing
  • Because at least Aaron gets something out of that now as part of their new deal
  • Katelyn turns back to Nicky, still grinning
  • Andrew gives the middle finger with both hands, but plasters on a fake grin
  • Neil immediately copies his boyfriend
  • Nicky smiles and takes the picture and insists “That’s a keeper.”

It was me. I called for backup

Chickens are wildly individual beings and don’t you dare be fooled for one second into thinking otherwise. When I was a pretty smallish child my parents allowed me, for some unknown reason (they were not responsible adults is probably the reason), to purchase with my own money two bantam chickens from a flea market. I had a little banty rooster named Rocky and a tiny banty hen named Ginger. It was a perfectly lovely arrangement even though I sucked at naming things. I loved those jerks with my whole heart and everyone thought that was adorable.

Now, my grandfather hired a neighborhood man to do a lot of odd jobs. This man was named Stanley and, though I can only think fondly of him, he was personally responsible for a hugely traumatic aspect of my childhood. One day, you see, Stanley arrived with a gift for me. “I hear you like chickens,” he said presenting my family with the most gorgeous animal I had ever seen. A beautiful orangey head fading into iridescent greeny-blue wings, long proud incredibly green tail feathers, red eyes that seemed to glow (soon I would learn this was from the Fires of Hell), and the proudest crown and wattle anyone had ever seen. This rooster was massive too, and not just to someone who is quite bitty, he was a lot of chicken. Now, naturally, I was elated. “Let ‘em out, let ‘em out!” I begged as soon as it seemed remotely appropriate to be a bother. My grandfather, ever indulgent, proceeded to do this. The first act of this new addition to my home, never a safe place but never so dangerous as it would soon become, was to almost murder my grandfather.

You see, what I did not know at the time was that roosters have something called ‘spurs’ which are effectively leg knives. If you are imagining that these cannot possibly be dangerous then I am going to change your imagination. My family, two young children included, gathered around. Soon my pretty new pet would be free to puk and bok about the yard I believed. My grandfather opened the transport cage and everything was, at once, a mass of feathers and blood. Unleashed the chicken lunged instantly for his face and neck. Fortunately he was able to throw up his arms in protection which resulted in a huge gash that must have been bone deep for how it bled. This being of raw malevolence rushed at the assembled crowd causing much screaming and cowardly running. If I am recalling correctly my mother actually scooped up my sister before she fled to the safety of the house. I don’t remember how, or even if, we corralled the devil. But I do know, precisely, my grandfather’s words as he calmly wrapped his bloodied arm in one of the handkerchiefs he was never without, “Mean little bastard, ain’t he?”

The coalesced mass of violence was named. He was called Bully and my entire family has war flashbacks when that profane name is mentioned. My father was Bully’s second victim, his spurs managing to slash through his jeans and cut open his leg nastily. After this event it was not decided that we had to get rid of this monster masquerading as a bird. It was decided, instead, that he was to be de-spurred. For the uninitiated this involves a terrified child holding a ball of raw evil while an adult twists that evil’s most deadly weapons off with a pair of pliers. I am told this process is painless but I regret that it did not inflict that demon with some amount of pain because as soon as I dropped him he hit me full in the chest with an untellable fury and I was crying when I made it to the safety of the house.

Thus began a series of years where outside was a PVP zone. My parents laughed when my sister and I rode bicycles because we were always perused by Bully running full tilt, intent on committing a violence against us. We had a hen house and chicken run built but nothing could fully contain this beast. For years a standard accompaniment to leaving the house was a broom handle. Why? Because there was a likelihood that you were going to be viciously assaulted by the unkindest animal as has ever walked this forsaken earth. Now, whacking a psychopathic rooster with a broom handle does not actually dissuade it from continuing its attack, but it does keep it a distance away from you that you might get to safety. Running was futile and foolish but we resorted to it often. Bully knew the exact time we got home from school. Every day without fail he was in the driveway, waiting. Broom handles became standard equipment in every vehicle. My father would amuse himself by sending his children out to fight the chicken and we would do it because my sister and I have always been desperate for approval. This is one of the rare instances where my mother didn’t even try to stop him. That unholy creature loved sneaking up on her when she was putting clothes on the line and any time a child was battling it was a happy time for her.

I must impress on you, I have no idea why we didn’t get rid of Bully because he terrorized us constantly. Everyone laughed that we were so tormented by a bird. Their laughter ceased the second they set foot on our property and met the hellion in person. Collecting eggs during those years was always met with tears as I trudged to my task and inevitable beating from a rooster. Once Bully got frostbite in his comb and my father carried him lovingly in his arms to get him treatment from the vet. This was a complicated relationship we had with our awful pet. Bully was also, for the record, a serial rapist who would pounce on hens with no warning and not a single one of them ever wanted it. I’ve had other roosters that are flawless gentlemen in this area and have cute courtship dances. Not Bully.

Anyway, one day a man showed up at our house for reasons I don’t recall. My parents were both artists and my dad is constantly into some nonsense or other so it could have been anything really. “Watch out for the-,” one of us began before being cut off by a delighted gasp. This was followed by the elated question, “Is that a fighting rooster?” We confirmed that it absolutely positively definitely was the most fighting anything on this or any other plane. “Oh wow,” the strange man continued with a dreamy smile, “I’ve always wanted one!” Anyway, we gave Bully to him with repeated warnings that this was a terrible mistake he was making. I never saw that man again and to this day I have a sneaking suspicion that Bully was somehow complicit in his undoubtedly bloody death.