Dear Evan Hansen,
Listen, I know I can be a dick. Shocker, right? But I do, and I’m glad that you like me anyway. I know I suck as a friend, I say awful things, I refuse to acknowledge you at school or something, but you really are important to me.
That’s cheesy though, right? Way too cheesy, but it’s true. When I look at you it’s like looking at the sun and it’s just amazing. Looking at you is amazing. Looking at your ass is also amazing.
That’s no joke, looking at your ass is the highlight of my day, no matter what you’re wearing. Jeans, shorts, khakis, you name it; your ass looks great in it. It’s so perfectly round and looks soft from every angle. You know I used to stare at you in the locker room after gym? Before all this, the emails and shit? There was a lot to choose from, but I chose your butt, you beautiful bastard. Nice ass.