so fuzzy and ugly

Two Can Play That Game

The coldness of the sheet only reminds Harry that he’s by himself. So he lies there, thinking about how good it would feel just to have someone there. He just needs a cuddle. Oh, Y/N is always up for a cuddle, she happens to be his favorite kind of cuddle. If anyone would be there for him, it’s her. The two shared an undeniable connection, a bond that was probably weird to others. They were fully aware of their flirtatious actions and physical attraction to one another. They both craved any kind of attention from each other. He would run to hers if she needed a simple hug. He sits up in bed, rubbing his eyes before he dials her number. He feels guilty when he noticed the grogginess of her ‘Hello’.

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internalized cissexism, fatphobia, etc

anyway it is a Bad Body Night. i want to feel good in a buzzcut but i never really do, and it’s got me thinking about all the parts of my body i dislike—

there is nothing wrong with my feet, or ears. those are good. also my collarbones, and my arms if you like Traditional Girl Arms (small-bicep’d, small-wristed, etc). calves are good, also fuzzy so pleasing texturally. breasts are thankfully small but ugly; vulva is ugly. thighs and hips are strong but widened and dimpled by estrogen. hands are good but nail-bitten and narrow-fingered. neck is short and squat, face is more than a little asymmetrical, nose is Not Great (B gave me a complex abt my nostrils, also some other things). eyebrows are perfect if you like them feminine with a tendency to run together. chin is too strong, under-chin is too padded [internalized fatphobia obviously].

in conclusion none of this is interesting and in addition to feeling Bad about it i resent that i care. so i’m ugly. plenty of people are uglier and still good and joyous and worthy. but why, why am i not a lovely slender languid-limbed oxbridge boy! [other racial makeups being also good but not mine to aspire to, so.]

blegh. i mean there’s plenty that’s good abt this body but it only makes a coherent whole if you read it a way i don’t want it read! embodiment is violence etc. in the morning i will put on my boysweatpants and make myself coffee and try to focus on the good bits of having a body: movement, tastes, textures. but tonight is Not Great. i would like to be held by someone who feels tender towards me, by whom i want to be held. unfortunately there are no adequate candidates; certainly none locally. [dumb phone game] will have to suffice.