so attracted to this man

echoing everyone else’s thoughts that #MeToo is horrible and I absolutely wish I had the courage to post publicly about it but ah the situation is not good, and I think any implications I made, however vague, would be fed back to Ryan and I absolutely can’t handle any sort of backlash right now or even anxiety that people would be talking about it. The situation we find ourselves in here is that Ryan’s friends (who were at one point also my friends) are of the opinion that I was the bad guy in our relationship and how he managed to construe that is beyond me but hey he’s a charismatic, lovely, generous and attractive man so why would he lie right? :) he wouldn’t be capable of hurting me in the way I’ve claimed, surely?! at least that is how it is to the people we mutually knew and that’s incredibly painful for me but, here we are. That’s a whole other pot of feelings, but it’s relevant to the fact that he was regularly coercive and I remember on multiple occasions crying afterwards, sitting in the bathroom thinking it isn’t right that I’m in tears and in pain after having sex with my boyfriend, feeling intensely guilty I wasn’t giving him what he wanted, not wanting to give it even more after he pressured me into it and the whole cycle just getting worse and worse. But also confusion and sadness as to why the person who ~loved me~ cared more about fucking me than the fact that I a) was in pain and b) didn’t want to. But hey that is life and that is the world we live in. As much as it angers and upsets me that I’ve been portrayed as the bitter ex for so many convoluted reasons, that is the situation I am in and that’s probably the most painful part of the entire break-up. as an entirely unrelated point when I was 19, a 27 year old engaged man had sex with me while I was asleep. I woke up to him having sex with me. He took me home after a (work) night out because I was pretty drunk and for ages afterwards I felt like, because I didn’t know whether I had consented or not, I couldn’t feel any way about it and just had to sweep it under the rug somewhat. Mutual colleagues asked if something happened and I admitted to someone that it did but I got pretty upset because I was clear that I didn’t remember wanting to and from my memory I went to bed alone and when I woke up he was there. His fiance eventually found out and months later he sent me a ton of abusive messages for “lying” about everything and told his fiance I’d begged him for it and he’d refused. I’d barely spoken to this man before in my life and I certainly know I did not do that. It takes a long time to come to terms with the fact you’ve been raped but I think in all likelihood I was. 

Life is very exhausting. You’re all so brave though.


Agent Vasquez in 2x11, The Martian Chronicles

the most difficult thing to understand when i was figuring out that im actually a lesbian who was experiencing compulsory heterosexuality is that comp het isn’t just forcing yourself to like men

you can really, genuinely have warm, positive, strong feelings towards men and they can still be comp het. because comp het is the assumption that any feelings that you have towards a man MUST be attraction because society talks all the time about hetero love and attraction so when you feel something towards a man you think “oh, this must be what it’s like”. and then as part of “discovering your sexuality” you try to find ways that you find men attractive. you think “i’m not attracted to physical appearance, only personalities” or “i only like feminine men” or you find ways to make yourself aroused by men by imagining them in all kinds of kinky and unusual scenarios until you hit one that appeals to you

and then when you can’t follow through with this ‘attraction’ in real life scenarios when you have a chance to have a romantic/sexual relationship with a man you assume that’s it’s some broken part of you that’s stopping you, or some quirk of your personality, or a circumstance of your life (”i have high standards” or “i only like older men” or “i have some incredibly obscure made-up sexuality where i only like men until they like me back”), and you explain away why you’re unable to find an attainable man in real life who you’re attracted to.

and this is something that’s really difficult to recognise because in the process of figuring out your sexuality you question how you feel and you come back with “well i definitely have strong feelings for men” and assume you’re straight or bi. but another important thing to question is “have i correctly labelled and understood what this feeling is and am i certain that it’s actually attraction”

society puts so much emphasis on the importance and intensity of heterosexual love and attraction that it’s important to actively remind yourself that it’s possible to love someone and have a deep interest in them without having romantic or sexual feelings towards them (especially if that love comes along with another intense interest, like your feelings towards a fictional man in a tv show you love)

72/100 pictures of the BAEne of my existence, christopher robert evans.

things i like (as demonstrated by jensen ackles)
  • the jaw thing:

  • the bicep thing:

  • the arm thing:

  • the back thing:

  • the hip thing:

  • the hip bone thing:

  • the shoulder thing:

  • the perky nipples thing:

  • the butt thing:

  • the tummy thing:

  • the boob bouncing thing:

  • the bowlegs thing:

  • the whatever this thing is:

{Jared Version} {Misha Version}


[On seeing himself as Captain America for the first time]: Terrifying. I think the first time I saw it was back when I was still pretty insecure and a little apprehensive about taking the role. So it was a real dichotomy. There was simultaneous joy, but at the same time, a deep fear. That’s eroded over time, and now it’s very familiar. It feels very comfortable. It feels great now, and damn, if I had said no, I would have been the biggest fool on the planet.