echoing everyone else’s thoughts that #MeToo is horrible and I absolutely wish I had the courage to post publicly about it but ah the situation is not good, and I think any implications I made, however vague, would be fed back to Ryan and I absolutely can’t handle any sort of backlash right now or even anxiety that people would be talking about it. The situation we find ourselves in here is that Ryan’s friends (who were at one point also my friends) are of the opinion that I was the bad guy in our relationship and how he managed to construe that is beyond me but hey he’s a charismatic, lovely, generous and attractive man so why would he lie right? :) he wouldn’t be capable of hurting me in the way I’ve claimed, surely?! at least that is how it is to the people we mutually knew and that’s incredibly painful for me but, here we are. That’s a whole other pot of feelings, but it’s relevant to the fact that he was regularly coercive and I remember on multiple occasions crying afterwards, sitting in the bathroom thinking it isn’t right that I’m in tears and in pain after having sex with my boyfriend, feeling intensely guilty I wasn’t giving him what he wanted, not wanting to give it even more after he pressured me into it and the whole cycle just getting worse and worse. But also confusion and sadness as to why the person who ~loved me~ cared more about fucking me than the fact that I a) was in pain and b) didn’t want to. But hey that is life and that is the world we live in. As much as it angers and upsets me that I’ve been portrayed as the bitter ex for so many convoluted reasons, that is the situation I am in and that’s probably the most painful part of the entire break-up. as an entirely unrelated point when I was 19, a 27 year old engaged man had sex with me while I was asleep. I woke up to him having sex with me. He took me home after a (work) night out because I was pretty drunk and for ages afterwards I felt like, because I didn’t know whether I had consented or not, I couldn’t feel any way about it and just had to sweep it under the rug somewhat. Mutual colleagues asked if something happened and I admitted to someone that it did but I got pretty upset because I was clear that I didn’t remember wanting to and from my memory I went to bed alone and when I woke up he was there. His fiance eventually found out and months later he sent me a ton of abusive messages for “lying” about everything and told his fiance I’d begged him for it and he’d refused. I’d barely spoken to this man before in my life and I certainly know I did not do that. It takes a long time to come to terms with the fact you’ve been raped but I think in all likelihood I was.
Life is very exhausting. You’re all so brave though.