An outsider’s last minute guide to the UK elections

Some of my non-British friends have told me that they don’t understand exactly what’s going on in today’s UK erection. So here’s a quick guide to most of the running parties and their leaders:

David Cameron - Conservatories 

David Cameron was born in Eton and is the current Prime Minister. His main policies as head of the tories include tearing down National Health Service hospitals brick-by-brick and then using those bricks to kill beggars with. 

Pros: Support West Ham
Cons: Literally the devil

(t)Ed Milliband - Labour

Ed Milliband is the leader of the main opposition party, the left-wing Labour Party. He is likely to become our next Prime Minister, even if he doesn’t get a majority of the votes. In fact, even if he gets no votes at all he will just automatically make himself pm (according to Rupert Murdoch). 

Pros: Photogenic, charismatic, sexy.
Cons: Doesn’t seem evil enough to effectively run the UK

Nick Clegg - Liberal Democrats

Nick Clegg is the current Deputy PM and an intern for the Conservative Party. He is unique in being the only politician hated by all other parties, as well as his own and 100% of the British public. Fuck Nick Clegg. 

Pros: something something youth employment
Cons: Will completely ruin his party’s chance at ever getting elected by being a spineless wimp

Nicola Sturgeon - Scottish Nationals

Nicola Sturgeon, seen here with husband Alex Salmon, is the leader of the SNP, the only party you can vote for in Scotland. People on the right are worried that if elected the British establishment may have to formally acknowledge the existence of Scotland. Her dangerously radical views include allowing Scots to have more say in the political issues that face them.

Pros: Reduced tax on Buckfast and IrnBru
Cons: Threatens the long-standing English tradition of being a colonialist empire that forces laws onto other nations. 

Nigel Farage - UKIP

Nigel Farage is Britain’s first reptile to become leader of a political party. He is a privately educated former tory who in no way is a racist who formed his own party as a vanity project to make him seem more powerful than he is. He is a proud champion of minorities - sadly, those minorities are racists, homophobes and bigots. As leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party he is a Eurosceptic, which means he doesn’t believe Germany exists. 

Pros: No.
Cons: Once survived a plane crash and went back to campaigning the next day, yet I somehow still have zero respect for him

Natalie Bennett - Greens

Natalie Bennett is an Australian who is leader of the Green party. Her party are probably the most progressive and are supported by many Brits as an alternative the established parties, but they will never get elected because that’s not how British politics work, ok?

Pros: Will try her best to slow the impeding destruction of all civilisation
Cons: Homeopathy ???!??!?!11?!

Leanne Wood - Plaid Cymru

Leanne Wood is leader of Plaid Cymru, which means The Welsh Party. Welsh is a bit like Klingon or Dothraki, but spoken by less people. No one is quite sure what Plaid Cymru want because they like to gt together and plot our downfall in a language we don’t understand. 

Pro: Is just the lovelist, has a lovely voice and seems so nice. Really, she just seems like a really nice person. 
Cons: Where is Wales???

Gerry Adams - Sinn Féin

With all these political parties advocating for independence from the UK you might get the impression that people don’t want to be ruled by a small political elite in central London who only concern themselves with the desires of the wealthy. But talk like that would have you branded as a communist in this land of hope and glory. 

Gerry Adams is leader of Irish Republican party Sinn Féin. He is a terrifying man who has been through some shit and I will not speak ill of him. 

Pros: Was never in the IRA, according to him.
Cons: Was probably in the IRA, according to most people. 

”What we really do” I’M SCREEAAMING!! 
//Please do not repost this, because I made this and shit//