snow in toronto

Y’ALL YOU CAN CALL ME JOANNE BECAUSE I PULLED OFF THE ULTIMATE SCAM LAST NIGHT.

I’ve been seeing the same POT for a month now. Yesterday was our fourth meet and I was going to mentally declare him an SD from now on. You’d better believe that was C A N C E L L E D.

After spending two hours getting ready, I drove another two hours in the snow in Toronto traffic to meet this man at a restaurant for our date. I got there, grabbed a table and sat down when he texted me saying he fell asleep and to order for him because he would be there soon. This really pissed me off because the last time we met up he was an hour late, and the time before that he was off by 20 minutes. Now, I had already spent money and time driving to the restaurant so my ass was NOT about to turn around and leave. No, I knew he would come, even if it took 2 hours. And it did. Straight up, two hours.

Luckily my boyfriend came and saved the day by covering my tab and letting me use his laptop to charge my phone in the restaurant. He stayed with me until this man arrived.

I walked out to his car, smiling and pretending everything was okay, because my ass already had a plan.

There was no way I’d be fucking and sucking this dude tonight. No way in hell! Had it been a vanilla man I would’ve already blocked his number and forgot his name but I was going to suck this man dry of every hour of my time that he wasted.

I turned to him, smiling and said, “babe, do you want to go to the mall?”

You’d better believe his ass took me to the Eaton Center, scrambling to make up for tonight. I had him withdraw $2,000 cash and buy me $400 worth of Steve Madden and Aritzia gear. Then, before it was time to leave, “I have to go to the bathroom,” I said, “I’ll meet you outside once you grab the car from the parking garage.”

And what the fuck did I do? I grabbed an Uber and hauled my ass back home. If anyone saw a young woman running down the street in Louboutins and an arm full of shopping bags last night, that was me.

After two hours of texting him and pretending I couldn’t find him outside, he got the hint.