snake human

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In @crankgameplays‘s Snakepass video he brought up a nightmare he had as a wee boi about a giant snake strangling him. And for some reason I decided to depict the snake back for revenge. I dunno, I’m tired. Noodle attempting to eat a blueberry or something. Always ask first.

Little White

(Thank you very much @sawthatwink ! I hope you like it  ❤)


Harry was walking back to the Gryffindor tower when he saw it, a corn snake, the thickest part of it was about as round as his thumb and it was only about a foot long. It was pale almost white, an albino, but the pale yellow-orange markings along it’s back had been charmed to a vibrant green.

Harry glanced around for the owner but the hallway was empty, there wasn’t even the sound of retreating footsteps.

He dropped into a crouch next to the snake doggedly slithering along the stones and hissed a quiet greeting, “Hello, little one, are you lost?

The snake lifted its head, looking as startled as a snake can to be talked to by a human. The snake seemed to think a great while before she answered in a prim tone, “No. I am certain of my way but I am cold. I would warm myself with your heat.

Harry held out his hand and the little snake slid into it, her small little body was chilled from the stone floor. He stood and leaned back against the wall, cupping the snake in both hands, “Where are you going?” he asked.

The snake flicked her tongue, “You would know my business without even asking my name or offering your own? Are all humans so rude?”

Harry blinked and then grinned, “No, just me probably,” he hissed apologetically, “May I ask what your name is?

You may,” the snake said bobbing her head slightly in something like a nod, “Among my own I was known as Little White. My human calls me something like Morning, it is not a name I recognize or could pronounce in the proper tongue.

A pleasure to meet you, Little White. I am Harry Potter but you may call me what you like,” Harry said.

Little White raised her head higher, turning her head this way and that to get a better look at him.

Would you like any help?” Harry asked again now that the introductions were complete.

Little White flicked her tongue out furiously, “It appears I require no more help as it was you I was looking for, Hairy Pot-Maker.”

Harry winced, he really did not like the literal representation of his name in parsel tongue.

I was headed to your nest,” Little White said, “I thought perhaps I could do something, as hopeless as it is to try and do anything with most of your kind. You are all intolerably stupid. I am pleased to know you can at least manage the true tongue.

Thank you?” Harry said, grinning in something between amusement and disbelief at this little snake’s cheek.

Little White regally dipped her head again, “You are most welcome, Hairy Pot-Maker.

Harry winced again, “I would rather you didn’t call me that. Really, anything else would be better.

Then should I call you raven-locked or emerald eye or perhaps hearts-desire?” Little White asked archly.

What?” Harry blinked in surprise.

Little White shifted in his palms to a spot with more warmth, “My human calls you those things, amongst others in the silence of his den. I do not understand ‘love’ and 'desire’. It makes little sense to me. A snake seeks the company of other snakes only to mate and then they separate. Yet you humans seem drawn to one another often.” she cocked her head slightly, “Perhaps it is your warmth, I can understand that. Human warmth is very desirable, a pair of humans might share warmth together.

“…So you wanted to help your human?” Harry asked, feeling a little flushed that someone, a Slytherin someone, had a crush on him.

Yes. He is heart-sick for wanting you yet he will not speak his desire. He believes you would be opposed, to the point of anger or even violence.” Little White said, watching him intently.

I wouldn’t do that,” Harry hurriedly assure her.

I believe this of you,” Little White said, thoroughly unimpressed with him, “Despite his wanting of you I find it unlikely that you are worthy. My human is very warm and provides fine mice for me. He calls me beautiful. I would not share his warmth.

Harry’s brow furrowed, “but weren’t you coming to try and help him?

I have changed my mind,” Little White said. “Put me down.

I could take you back to him?” Harry offered, mostly out of politeness.

Little White turned her head away, “I would not have him look upon you, ever again.

Harry felt a little dumbstruck. He was about to kneel and put the little snake when he heard running footsteps and turned to look. Malfoy was running down the hallway, his robes flapping around him, his swept back hair falling down around his face. He had his wand in his hand, doing what appeared to be a point me spell.

Malfoy zeroed in on Harry and his cupped hands immediately and stomped over as if he wasn’t a flustered, faintly flushed mess, “Did you find a snake, a white snake with green markings?”

Harry silently lowered his hands so Malfoy could better see.

“Morgana!” Malfoy cried in relief, he reached out to take her and then pulled back as if he didn’t want to touch Harry.

Before Harry would have interpreted that action in an entirely different way. He felt a little dizzy.

Malfoy held his hand out, “My snake, if you please, Potter.”

Little White was flicking her tongue furiously at Harry, “You do not look at my human like that! I have decided and will not share!

Harry glanced down at her, feeling a smile on his lips. He looked back up, Malfoy was looking rather cute. He dropped his cupped hands onto Malfoy’s warm palm, letting Little White slip down and wrap around securely around Malfoy’s wrist. Harry curled one hand around Malfoy’s tracing his fingers over the back of Malfoy’s hand. He watched Malfoy’s face flush faintly, a shiver going through his hand, the rest of him seemed to be frozen in place.

Harry said, “I was was thinking-”

Little White lunged out, biting Harry’s thumb.

Harry jerked his hand back, mostly out of shock. The little snake couldn’t really hurt him.

She pulled back, her body still raised high in warning, “I said No!

“Morgana! Why did you-! Don’t do that!” Malfoy hissed looking a little panicked and telling Harry, “She’s never done that before. You must have just startled her.”

“I’m sure,” Harry said glaring at her. He smiled at Malfoy, “As I was going to say, do you want to go out sometime?”

Malfoy flushed even pinker, “What?”

“On a date,” Harry said, tempted to reach out and touch Malfoy again but deciding against it, “I thought maybe we could share some warmth together.”

Malfoy searched his expression and then hesitantly nodded.

Little White muttered, “I’m going to shit in your shoes.

A rare snake-related post by me-

I have had Vision, a dwarf BCI and my youngest snake, for roughly 9 months now. He will be a year old in July, so by snake standards he is still very much a baby. In the past 9 months, he’s gone from, for lack of better words, a bitey defensive asshole to a relatively passive and trusting creature who simply has Rules ™ on how, where, and when he can be touched. I used the same method to produce these results as I do with all of my reptiles, including my young snake of a notoriously aggressive and defensive species (Amazon Tree Boas) and have frequently been asked how I manage to get these animals that instinctively bite first and ask questions never to allow handling and pictures without drawing blood.

On my dog blog I’ve mentioned the concept of body autonomy a few times in relation to training dogs, and how it crosses over into husbandry in other species. In these posts I’ve detailed how I tame the larger birds at my job, how I teach my snakes not to bite me when I take them out, how I can successfully convince a thrashing dog to accept grooming without a fuss, how I teach cats to not turn into screaming demons for nail trims, and more. I also cover this in many of my dog training lectures at work as my students teach their dogs to allow grooming, nail trims, and medically related handling to prevent injuries and incidents when interacting with these animals. All of this relates back to body autonomy, and how we as humans have consistently ignored other species’ instinctive need to be autonomous.

I am no master animal trainer and do not play one on TV. I train pet dogs and service dogs and have begun to venture into competition, at one point I specialized in rehabbing aggressive and reactive dogs. I have trained various common pet animals in occasionally unconventional ways to do things that make life easier for the both of us, but I don’t claim to be anything special, because what I’m doing is not all that special. It is, however, uncommon for people to make these considerations with their pets and then they call in someone like me to fix a problem that didn’t need to start in the first place.

An example being: frequently on this website and others, the solution for convincing a biting snake not to bite you is to hold it still until it stops biting you. The snake will learn that biting you does not produce the desired result (you letting the snake go or putting it back in its cage) and thus will eventually stop biting you when you pick it up.

In the dog training world, we call this flooding and learned helplessness. It “works” because it produces what we wanted it to. The snake no longer bites when you pick it up. But it failed to address the root of the problem, and frequently if regular handling is not maintained the snake will return to biting you every time you touch it. The snake had learned that there was nothing it could do in order to make you stop doing what it didn’t like, and so had learned that it was helpless against the much larger human. The snake in this situation still doesn’t really want to be handled, it is merely tolerating it because it sees no other option.

While snakes have a much more primitive brain than dogs and thus a much more limited scope of emotions, aggression and violence are always expensive measures to use and thus are frequently considered last resort measures to make an unpleasant situation stop. They are costly in body resources- they take large amounts of energy, stress, and time to resolve, and wounds obtained from violence can become deadly with infection or severity. As a result, a bite should always indicate that whatever you are doing is so unpleasant to the animal you’re doing it to that they’re willing to risk their life in order to make you stop. The common pet snake knows it cannot win against an animal as large as a human. It is hoping you have not come to the same realization, and will not call its bluff.

This creates a problem. Like with dogs, backing off from a situation that is required after a bite will teach the snake that all they have to do to get you to leave them alone is to bite you. If I need to trim my dog’s nails, give him a bath, brush him, or have him examined by a vet, sure I could put him in a muzzle and force him to do it anyway, but it is counter-intuitive to teach him that all he has to do is bite me in order to get out of doing those things he may consider unpleasant. I need to be able to handle my snakes. This is not negotiable, just like the above things I do with my dogs are not negotiable. If I cannot handle them, I cannot check them for injury, disease, or distress. Backing off because my snake, or dog, has threatened to bite me is thus not a viable option. I must be able to complete the task, and the animal in question must let me.

Dogs, by comparison, are relatively easy to convince in this problem. I need to be able to do my dog’s nails. If I give him amazing treats on a good reward schedule, shower him with praise, listen to his body language to give him a chance to calm down and destress before pressing on, and remove my own negative emotions from the equation, he will learn to let me do his nails and even offer the position required for the task within a relatively short amount of time. He does not have to like having his nails done, but I can convince him to like he benefits he gets out of it. Cats and birds and small mammal pets like ferrets, rabbits, and rodents may be slower, but follow much the same way.

I can’t give a snake a treat. That’s not really how snake digestive systems work. I can’t give them a toy. I can’t give them praise. The subtleties of snake body language are much harder to read due to a lack of eyelids, ears, and limbs. Dogs, cats, birds, ferrets, all of these are social creatures that practice social bonding and feel an emotion similar to love (in the dog’s case, actually do feel love). Snakes are not social creatures and their brain is not capable of producing the chemicals involved in the emotion we call love. I cannot convince a snake to love me or to like being handled. That is not something their biology is able to do. Does that mean I have to rely on flooding and learned helplessness in order to get them to let me handle them?

I keep stressy species. While all reptiles are more than capable of stressing themselves to death, my current list of exotic pets includes a special needs ball python with a severe neurological condition, a brazilian rainbow boa specifically purchased from someone who breeds minimally stressy snakes because he got tired of the species’ reputation for being bitey assholes, and a dwarf bci locality (read: like a subspecies, but not different enough to get their own scientific name) known for being defensive bitey assholes. Previously, I had a special needs corn snake that was a defensive bitey asshole, an amazon tree boa that was remarkably handleable despite the species’ reputation for being aggressive and defensive bitey angry assholes, and a few foster ball pythons that came from neglect situations and had never been handled before leading to them being defensive bitey assholes. Stress is common in situations where aggression or violence is utilized, even if it is being utilized by the animal and not the human. If the stress from moving can kill my beloved ATB Hydra, why would I intentionally expose him to situations where he would feel required to use violence again and again until he learned that that was not a way out of the situation?

I did not flood my snakes. I hold them. They do not bite me. It has been a long time since any of them have even struck at me, and the majority of the bites and strikes I have received have been from when I was learning the snake in front of me or from me intentionally ignoring their body language and handling them a way I knew they didn’t like for whatever reason. Snakes do not bite without cause. Whether you, a human, can see that cause or not, snakes do not bite because they are vindictive or mean. As said, their brains are far too primitive to feel such complex emotions. Even wild snakes do not bite without provocation- whether you intentionally provoked them or not does not matter, simply whether they felt provoked enough to need to defend themselves possibly with their lives.

Vision came to me unsure of my intentions and of whether I could be considered safe. He certainly didn’t believe I should be picking him up. At two months old, the world is a scary place to a baby snake where nearly everything is bigger than you and nearly everything wants to kill or eat you. I do not blame him for doubting the warm giant cooing over him with grabby hands. To him, I’m sure I am some baffling mixture of hawk, bear, and wild canine. All of these things readily kill and eat snakes, all of these things may be persuaded to not kill and eat this particular snake if he bites them.

Instead of picking him up and allowing him to spend precious resources stressing himself to the point of repeatedly biting me- which hurts, by the way, so I don’t really want to be bitten any more than I need to be- I allowed him to show me things about him. I let him show me what he does when he’s nervous, when he doesn’t want to be bothered. I let him show me what he does when he’s curious and feels like investigating what’s in front of him. I let him show me how he does and does not like to be touched. Like many snakes, he seems to enjoy being scratched lightly under the chin. Like many snakes, he doesn’t seem to appreciate being tickled on the stomach. He prefers to create a “foot” about 2/3 down his body and use it as an anchored perch when exploring my hands. He does not want his tail to be touched. When he is nervous or unsure of potential danger, he will retract and coil himself into a loose ball. If pressed before he recovers, he will “expand” the “ball” quickly and vocalize. If he continues to be pressured, he will threaten to bite and will begin to try. If he is allowed to relax, he will recreate his “foot” and resume quietly investigating his surroundings.

Today, I took the lid off of his enclosure and lifted him out without a fuss. While this is not a first- we accomplished this task about 4 weeks in- only in the past few weeks has he not immediately retracted into his loose ball and required me to wait a few minutes for him to relax before touching him. Instead, he immediately made his “foot” and began to investigate, leaned against my finger as I scratched his chin, and maintained his confidence throughout the time I handled him. Sure, I could possibly get a similar result through the first method of flooding and teaching him that he is helpless against me, but I don’t need to. I can get a confident content snake that is not only tolerating my handling but also showing curiosity and intelligence without forcing him to accept my hands as things he has to deal with in his life.

The people espousing these methods always ask me how I managed to take such nice, interesting pictures of Hydra without bleeding- or joke about how much blood they think I lost inbetween shots- and are always surprised when I tell them that I don’t get bit because I understand a snake’s need for autonomy and allow the snake to tell me their “rules” for being touched and then follow those rules or understand if I break them I will get bit. As a result, I don’t break their rules unless I have to, and thus I don’t get bit unless I have to. This allows me to handle and investigate my snakes, look in their mouths, check their vents and between their scales, touch their heads, and rescue them from fluke accidents such as Quetzal’s injury with his decor without the snake taking their frustrations out on me. It also allows me to take some pretty pictures of them outside or on props without worrying how I will retrieve them without being bitten when I’m done. 

Humans, 2,000,000 years ago: *evolve quick pattern recognition abilities and awareness of rustling noises specifically to avoid snakes*

Humans, now: Omg snek <3

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retirement boys!!!

alternatively: merle managed to get john to wear one (1) weirdly patterned dad shirt, which john proceeded to then wear like it was a jacket like some sort of heathen. 

also godless croc-wearing john courtesy of @ludella and that one request she filled

This earthquake-proof bed will bury you alive in comfort    

Earthquakes. Humanity’s oldest foe. Right up there with snakes, fire, and other humans when it comes to things that will definitely probably kill you some day. Which is why you need one of these terrifying earthquake-proof beds. In the event of a quake, your conspicuously massive four-poster will simply swallow you up whole, letting you get back to sleeping while the world itself shatters around you.

anonymous asked:

okay so we know most alien species find the concept of pets weird if not terrifying. but what about exotic pets because it's one thing to have a large fur covered predator on your ship and another to have a 15 foot limbless reptile that has evolved to become one of space Australia's top apex predators.

This is an amazing idea and I love it! The entire concept of exotic pets might be completely baffling to aliens, especially the ones that are possibly dangerous. And especially once it became clear that they were just pets and not some kind of guard or something. 

Not quite on the same topic, but speaking of exotic pets, what about high-maintenance pets like parrots? Ones that have to be your whole life because of their physical or emotional needs? Perhaps aliens would find those baffling as well.