smoke away the pain

I did a lot of stupid things in the past. I disrespected my parents and moved out without saying a word. I thought I was living the life I’ve always dreamt. I let my relationship with my dad go to hell and now he can’t even look at me without disgust. I was struggling to pay bills so I ended up working at a strip club. I drank and smoked away the pain and stress every damn day. I’ve lost a child. I’ve starved myself to the point where I was ten lbs underweight. I’ve let kids majorly bully me throughout elementary and middle school. I’ve been arrested for shoplifting. I’ve dated someone from a gang. I’ve tried to commit suicide. I still remember sitting on the floor, just swallowing pills, crying on the phone with my boyfriend, with my parents in the living room being clueless. I’ve had my heart broken thrice in five years. And it’s not the “brush it off, I’ll find a new guy” type of heartbreak. I let them take a piece of me that I’ll never get back. So when a guy shows me the least bit of interest or pretended to care, I let them in quickly. I started letting guys use me.. For money, rides, even if it meant just sex. I was okay with being the sideline chick. I started losing all respect for myself. I was at my lowest low at this point. Anything you can think of, I’ve done and tried it all. I was tired and done. Over nothing. I couldn’t even tell you if that was depression or not. But thinking back, it seemed that way. And for what reasons and why? I’ll never know. Today, I think I’m doing a lot better. I’m grateful to have family that will take me in. I have a great job. I’m back in school. I have amazing friends and dropped all the ones who’ve made a negative impact in my life. You’d think I’d be really happy now… But no matter what changes I make, positive or negative, I just can’t seem to figure out what’s eating me inside. All my life, I just felt so alone. I still feel like how I was feeling back in 2010 and I honestly can’t remember the last time I looked in the mirror and genuinely smiled.

Drowning and Burning

I drink away my sorrows

I smoke to forget my pain

And I trip so I can see a beautiful world

Not one that’s

Drowning and burning

At the same time

So call me a “druggie”

Tell me I’m a waste of space

Because it’s true.

But at least I’ll have fun

While I throw my life away.

You give me head aches and i smoke the pain away

i dont like the girl i see in the mirror she looks so tired. 

She sneaks out to take a ddeep breath cuz shes cracking and she knows it

stay strong for you ??!!! Oh fuck off 

im tired, shes tired

its not even all about you but i gues we thought you could ease my pain, but you dont even know me. You never took the time to. 

She was raped beaten left behind by somany ppl how do you not take the time to care, guess thats why shes tried killing her self so many times… whatever shell last like the tinged smell of cigarette smoke in a room , she’ll last like the pen with the everlasting ink, she’ll last through memories 

she longboards in her underwear in a beanie listening to greenday or sometimes chance the rapper nd childish gambino but she does it like shes performing , she get out of breath from the goosebumps bblanking her skin

she layed in bed biting her bottom lip with thoughts i wont even say , maybe if your lucky and grow a pair she’ll tell you herself. 

Shell last 

Addictions. They’re controlling and they always take the pain away #drugs #smoking #selfharm #bulimia #addictions

You sit there and act like it can all just be a cloud of smoke
All of the hate and the bitter pain
just drifting away, dissolving
as the way
your cigarette ash flits between the still and pavement

no, you’ve scarred my skin enough with your tears
and invisible ink,
scripting your fucking fables

we all know fairy tales are the easiest to kill


can I smoke this pain away
god take this pain away,
it never gets easier with time,
I just start forgetting on a day to day
I was popping those pills to take the pain away,
I had to say fuck it,
I had to say fuck it,
falling from grace,
and now I’m down
my enemies loved it
my enemies loved it,
showing my ass out in public,
wyling at functions
give me the sprite with the robutussin
and bitch quit the fussing
I’m gone off the xans
I don’t want to feel nothing,
some how I always feel something
But god today, I don’t want to feel nothing
That pain is too much,
I be thinking too much
I be thinking how I was a sucker baby
this pain is my rush
then I take them drugs
and I don’t make a fuss
the world is too much
I’m saying to much,
I’m saying to much,
just don’t think about it too much

I followed you when you named the game
Hide and sought you in every place
Searched near and far for your face
And realized you weren’t in this race
And I ran for the finish line, hands falling to the ground
Sorrow building in my mind, tears nearly had me drowned
How I grew without you is a task never mastered
Tell me what’s a father. What’s a father to a bastard?
How’d you feel when you let me go?
Who made you? I’ll never know
All signs floating through my head saying, “Stop, stop, no you’ll never go”
See you should’ve told me you that you never stayed
Instead of smoking and fade away
Now my brain being damaged
And my pain can’t be managed
And I’ll never know what made you this ways up
—  Papaoutai ~ Stromae Ft. Angel Haze
I used to take pills and smoke all the time to take my pain away and make me happy..but now all I need is to see your smile everyday because your smile is my new addiction and you are my drug.

My eardrum is killing me…It won’t stop throbbing and I can barely hear. Every time I cough or yawn or burp a pain surges from my ear throughout my body that REALLY fucking hurts. It’s my right ear that’s hurting and that I can barely hear out of, this ear used to be my good ear but now I can’t hear anything. The only way the pain can go away is if I smoke. I even have a hard time going to sleep now because of my eardrum.

I have to go to an ear specialist on Friday to see what’s really going on. Even before these pains I failed a recent ear test.