smoke and eat pizza

  • thin girl: all i do is eat pizza and smoke weed and play video games
  • everyone: god... she is The Dream Girl... so cute and Unique... shes not like the other girls who only eat salads, shes Real
  • fat girl: i like pizza too
  • everyone: wow... consider being healthy maybe? disgusting

The signs as shit my professors said during my first year of theatre school:

Aries: “I’m missing that finger because my ex left me at the alter so I cut off my finger and retuned the ring”

Taurus: “Did… did he just climax?… no wait I loved it. Bigger next time”

Gemini:“So the question is: who ties up who when they’re hatefucking?”

Cancer:“Someone google if you can pay a sex worker with a credit card”

Leo: “I really hope we don’t get pulled over. I have a suitcase full of syringes and fake heroin in the back”

Virgo: “Straight people just humping away in the courtyard”

Libra: “Rainbowliciousness, it’s like the 90s again”

Scorpio: “This show has some of the best puppet sex I’ve ever seen”

Sagittarius: “Bear in the Big Blue House is like your fuzzy gay uncle”

Capricorn: “Today we’re going to learn practical life skills” *teaches us how to make balloon animals*

Aquarius:“I had a skunky weekend”*student mimes smoking a joint* “No, but I shoulda”

Pisces: “Eating pizza is a state of mind”

Fires

request:  Omg 24, 30, and 42 sounds interesting lol love you 😘  & could u do 24 and 46

hello loves! i’m coming at you with more friend Harry. honestly, this one i had a hard time coming up with ideas for, so bare with me. send in those requests from this writing list, or whatever you want! hope you enjoy!


Being a chef had some many perks. First, obviously, was that you knew how to cook. Second, you got to do what you loved. It wasn’t always a practical job that your family wanted for you, but in the end, you did what you wanted for yourself, and didn’t care so much about what others thought. Finally, your friends got gourmet cooking. That was more of a perk for your friends, but you liked doing what you loved for the people that you loved. Your roommate, Harry got the most benefits, mainly saving money on food, not that he really needed to.

You and Harry had been best friends since primary school. Your families were friends since they had been in Uni, so naturally you guys became close friends as well. After Harry’s hiatus, he came to stay with you for a while, just wanting to be back in London with his family and you. He had been with you for about a month before you guys decided just to move in together. You knew that once writing began again for him, he wouldn’t be around as much, so you were happy that he was with you while he could be. There was just one issue with Harry living with you.

That man did not know how to cook.

But he still tried to at least once a week. So that meant once a week, you were under so much stress simply from Harry cooking. You tried telling him every single time that he just didn’t know how to cook, but of course he would say, “I used to be a baker, love. It’s not that different.” Usually on nights when he would cook, you would call a pizza shop telling them to send over a cheese pizza in 30 minutes. Harry took offense to this, but you were always right. You didn’t know the severity of his awful cooking until one night after getting home from your restaurant around eight. You walked into your flat and were met with a putrid smell. Harry was in the living room, eating pizza.

“Harry, why does it smell like smoke? Why do you smell like smoke?” you said while giving him a kiss on the cheek hello.

“Well, you see, I saw this recipe for a spinach quinoa that I wanted to try, and I may have left it on the stove for too long,” he explained, timidly.

“How long is to long?” you asked.

“20 minutes,” he mumbled, knowing that you were going to be frustrated.

“Harry!” you scolded.

“I know, I know. But there’s more.”

“Oh god, what?” you asked, not exactly wanted to know the answer.

“There may have been a small fire.”

Your mouth fell agape, not actually believing that his cooking was that bad.

This isn’t just one of your little jokes, right?” you asked, walking into the kitchen.

“I wish it was,” he said following.

You screeched when you saw the damage. There was a fire mark on top of the ceiling above the stove. It wasn’t awful, but it was your kitchen. Your home. And you were mad.

“Dammit Harry! What were you doing in those 20 minutes?!” you yelled.

“Well, I had an idea for a song, and went to write it down in my journal, but then I thought of lyrics, and it all flowed together. Sorry, Y/n.”

You were still mad, but didn’t like fighting with Harry, so you changed subjects.

“Can I at least hear the song?”

And that was the last time you let Harry cook for a month. Then he tried again, with you in the house, but your knowledge of his cooking adventure was unknown to you. You were upstairs, reading, when you smelled smoke. You sat there for a minute, waiting to see if anything would happen. Then you heard Harry.

“Fuck!”

Then you ran downstairs, to a very smoky area. Harry was in the kitchen with a fire extinguisher that you bought after Harry’s first accident. He was putting out a very large fire that started to spread to the counter. Luckily, Harry got the source of the fire out before it spread any further, then moved onto the counters, which didn’t take long to get out. He put down the fire extinguisher and slowly turned to you, knowing he was in deep shit.

“Before you say anything, I already ordered the pizza.”

“Harry! This isn’t funny! This is your second fire! You put us both in danger!” you shouted.

“I know. I’m really, really sorry. Truly!” he said.

I’m begging you, STOP COOKING! I’m literally a fucking chef! I’ll cook!” you said.

“But I like cooking. It’s fun,” he said, a tad bit whiny.

“Then I’ll teach you! Just don’t cook alone until I’ve taught you everything,” you reasoned.

“Okay. I’m sorry!” he said one last time.

“I know. C’mon, let’s go get stuff to redo the wall that you destroyed.”

“Hey!”

I’ve been thinking really hard about my ideal Prizeo campaigns and now I feel ready to throw a few suggestions out there:

Louis: I am standing by this post. He comes to my house. We smoke a bowl, eat a thin-crust pepperoni pizza, and I beat his ass at Rainbow Road. Afterward he wanders around my house making fun of everything I own to make himself feel better. Then he finds my copy of the Hyperbole and a Half book and asks if he can borrow it because he’s heard good things. I say no. He tries to barter with me and ends up leaving my house barefoot, book in hand. I have an empty spot on my bookshelf and his Adidas in a shadowbox.

Liam: The name of this one would be something like Win a Dream Date with 1D’s Liam Payne! He picks me up in that ridiculous Lamborghini, brings me my favorite flowers without even having to ask me what my favorite flowers are, and we go to my favorite French restaurant. I convince him to try escargot. He’s not wild about the texture, but he’s not a baby about it. After dinner we go to the ballet. He puts his jacket over my shoulders while we’re on the smoking balcony during intermission. I’ve been wearing sweatpants the whole time.

Niall: We’re judging some kind of sporting event. Maybe it’s golf, maybe it’s tennis, maybe it’s synchronized swimming. The important thing is that we’re pounding pints in a press box by ourselves and he’s getting pinker and pinker in the face while, together, we critique the physical abilities and skills of large, athletic men. Afterward, Niall conducts the locker room interviews while I watch. There are no cameras, he’s just interested in what they have to say and wants to stand near them while they say it.

Harry: We fly to Cape Town together. It’s a 24 hour flight but we can’t sleep, so we stay awake the entire flight drinking free champagne, playing Words With Friends, and watching the in-flight entertainment. We arrive in Cape Town and immediately catch a cab to Table Mountain. We climb- wired, high on adrenaline, and maybe still slightly drunk from the plane. We reach the top and then, idk, do whatever he likes to do at the top of Table Mountain 👀

The Signs Living on Their Own For the First Time

Aries: During the day, “I’ve been waiting all my life for this moment! I’m an adult and now I can do whatever I want! This is so bad ass!” At night, *cries themselves to sleep and wakes up every few minutes to make sure no one broke in their house*
Taurus: *sits around wearing minimal clothing while drinking orange juice straight from the container* “My parents never let me do this. Heh.”
Gemini: Either has huge parties every other night and gets higher than a motherfucker or just sleeps and calls their parents as much as possible.
Cancer: You would think they wouldn’t be able to handle living alone and you’re correct because they probably just have a roommate or a significant other they live with.
Leo: Is either completely normal and acts like they have been living alone all their life or constantly cries and probably ends up waiting to move back home after one day.
Virgo: You’ll never hear from them for the next year or so because they are just enjoying having their own place so much they forgot other people exist.
Libra: Party, drink, smoke, eat week old pizza, pass out, cry at the thought of having to pay bills, rinse and repeat.
Scorpio: They have been living on their own since they were born and they were made for the independent life.
Sagittarius: Knows how to take care of themselves and dealing with the simplicity of living alone, but always forgets to pay the bills so they spend many months without electricity and having to take cold showers. 
Capricorn: Planned this moment for the past 16 years. Is already more established than your Great Aunt Becky, who has been living on her own for about 60 years. Smh @ Aunt Becky. 
Aquarius: “WHAT ARE TAXESSSSSSSSSSS??????”
Pisces: Everyone made a bet that they would only last two weeks living on their own, and guess what? Those people lost that bet because Pisces can be independent if they really want to so HA!

The Arrangement Pt 4

i wrote some more of whatever the hell this has become. i challenged myself to write an entire chapter that didn’t include smut. it was exhausting.

Summary: Dan is a spoilt, drug-addicted kid with rich parents who cut him off when they get tired of his ways, so he finds a sugar daddy to supplement his rich lifestyle.

Word count: 2090

Content warnings: drug and alcohol abuse, (consensual) rough sex, big age gap

You can also read this on fanfiction.net if you’d prefer

Keep reading

THE SIGNS LIVING ON THEIR OWN FOR THE FIRST TIME
  • Aries: During the day - I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL MY LIFE FOR THIS MOMENT, I'M AN ADULT AND NOW I CAN DO WHAT EVER I WANT. THIS IS SO BADASS!! // At night - *cries themselves to sleep and wakes up every few minutes to make sure no one broke in their house*
  • Taurus: *sits around wearing minimal clothing while drinking orange juice straight from the container* My parents never let me do this, heh.
  • Gemini: Either has huge parties every other night and gets higher than a motherfricker or literally just sleeps and calls their parents as much as possible.
  • Cancer: You would think they wouldn't be able to handle living alone and you're correct because they probably just have a roommate or a significant other they live with. SOOO YEAH.
  • Leo: Is either completely normal and acts like they have been living alone all their life or constantly cries and probably ends up waiting to move back home after one day.
  • Virgo: You'll never hear from them for the next year or so because they are just enjoying having their own place so much they forgot other people exist.
  • Libra: PARTAY. DRINK. SMOKE. PASS OUT. EAT WEEK OLD PIZZA. CRY AT THE SIGHT OF HAVING TO PAY BILLS and repeat.
  • Scorpio: They have been living on their own since they were freaking born, we were made for the independent life, so life's good and great for the most part.
  • Sagittarius: Knows how to take care of themselves and dealing with the simpleness of living alone, but always forgets to pay the bills so they spend many of months without electricity and having to take cold showers.
  • Capricorn: Planned this moment for the past 16 years. Is already more established than your Great Aunt Becky, whom has been living on her own for about 60 years. Smh @ Aunt Becky.
  • Aquarius: WHAT ARE TAXESSSSSSSSSSS??????
  • Pisces: Everyone made a bet that they would only last two weeks living on their own, and guess what? Those people lost that bet because Pisces can be independent if they really want to so HA!