smackwich

DON’T TRUST THE B IN APARTMENT 23 STARTERS

“Is that a picture of Dawson?”
“Yeah, we dated for a while and then decided we are better off as friends. We weren’t really compatible genitally. Imagine trying to fit a cucumber into a coin purse.”
“Have you ever had a straight gay BFF?”
“Anyone wanna get weird and play Mario Kart?”
“I guess I got a lot going on underneath the surface. I’m like a river in winter.”
“I’m all about the environment. I fancy myself a tree hugger.”
“I’m all about the goldfish. Wanna have sex?”
“ Weird fair. A lot of weird booths at that weird fair.”
“Sometimes, things don’t click until Hollywood really spells them out for you.”
“Oh, don’t bother. I already ate all the pills from underneath the couch.”
“The grapes on the vine aren’t having it.”
“If you’d read my play, you’d get that.”
“Holy Mother! Damn it, those are tight! Doesn’t that hurt?”
“If you want your ass to rock, your plums gotta pay the price.”
“I haven’t cried since I was 10 and my mom wouldn’t take me to see Pulp Fiction.”
“Get out of here, you little slut! I love you!”
“It’s a casual sex kit. There is makeup remover, cab fare, energy bar, instant coffee, tweezers, tampons, pepper spray, a short article, and pictures of me. For the casual sexer!”
“I can’t do this whole casual sex thing. I tried. But I get too attached.”
"My lady harp has feelings!”
“Why do you have to make things so complicated when it could be just sex?”
“You’ve never had feelings for somebody you’ve slept with?” 
“ ‘Slept with’? Honey, if you’re falling asleep, he’s obviously doing something wrong.”
“If I had time to worry about every person who admired, imitated, or stalked me, I wouldn’t have time to be my fabulous self.”
“If you roll with me, you roll as hard as me. I don’t want any Judgmental Judys or Sober Sallys in my crew.”
“I ordered you some food. I, uh, I don’t really know what girls eat.”
“We don’t eat. We just live in caves, having our periods, until it’s time to have sex with the first guy who buys us a wine cooler and reminds us of our dad.”
“You have to walk away from the past in slow motion as it explodes behind you like in a John Woo movie.”
“You guys seem so happy together, and you could tell that he really… he really likes you.”
“Every Halloween, I pick a person who annoys me, I figure out their deepest, darkest fears, what would psychologically break them and ruin their lives forever, and then the next Halloween… I do it.”
“I’ve taken over a bunch of companies before—Volvo, Dole, Febreze.”
“Oh, my God! One more word and someone gets a smackwich!”
“You can have sex with black men any day of the week.”
“Honey, you know you’re pretty.”
“You got it all going on.”
“If there’s a sexy piece of man meat in front of me, I’m gonna wanna eat it.”
“Well, I Googled him and found out he’s worth $3.2 billion, so I took my martini goggles off and put my money goggles on!”
“I’m gonna set fire to his car to punish him for my mistake.”
“Katie Holmes and I are only cousins, but we’re as flirty as sisters.”
“I almost just hit you. I almost just lost control and hit you.”
“I guess we’re all just one small hole in the condom away from having our lives totally destroyed.”
“You stabbed the bitch in the conference room!”
“I just had a sex dream about him. Sex dreams never lie.”
“Those girls are exactly the reason why I don’t hang out with girls. They’re competitive, they backstab, and they post group pictures of themselves on Facebook so they can show the world what they look like in a bikini.”
“Look, I just prefer to hang out with dudes. They say what they mean, they like to have fun, and in a pinch, they have a penis.”
“You’re not as interesting as you think you are.”
“Shouldn’t you be dancing in a glass booth somewhere?”
“You look like Donald Sutherland.”
“I only sleep with guys I haven’t slept with before. You know my scorched-earth policy.”
“Ooooh, you just got mind-forked.”
“Two fried eggs—when you push your boobs up against the glass. It’s a pressed ham when you do your butt. Ham, butt. Eggs, boobs.”
“I didn’t black lightning you or order you a pig, blow up your dinner, and kidnap your clients to get you to do fried eggs!”
“I mean, if I can’t come home from a crazy night and shock you with my stories, what am I even doing it for?”
“I can’t do it because I’m too cute.”
“I’m just saying, maybe last night had an effect on you.”
“This is way too much talking about a guy I haven’t even had sex with!”
“If we weren’t late, so help me God, I would turn around and push you down this flight of stairs!”
“I owe you one push down one flight of stairs!”
“You date like a Quaker.”
“I swear to God, when mothers birth morons, are they doing it just to upset me?”
“You look like a runner-up at a child’s beauty pageant in Ohio.”
“You look like you just got back from the Douchie Awards and you won five Douchies.”
“Some people have special powers where they can’t see, and some people have special powers where they can’t hear.”
“If you’re not being completely honest with your friends, then you’re not helping them be the best that they can possibly be.”
“By the way, you’re using the wrong foundation for your skin tone, it actually clashes with your skin tone. It’s like your face is one girl, and your neck is another.”
“It’s the best place to tell my crazy, wild drinking stories to an audience who actually appreciates them.”
“So you started talking with your mouth and you ended talking with your genitals. I have to say, I’m deeply impressed.”
“I’m gonna cause a drunken scene at Little League, kiss a father, and then grab a metal bat out of a kid’s hand and just start swinging.”
“I’ve already moved on to other guys in my rotation. I don’t really care.”
“ Just let the perfect breakup song heal your wounds.”
“Take your finger off my face.”
“Why do you think I date six guys at a time? For exactly this reason. One gets annoying, another one slips right in. It’s how Pat Riley ran the Knicks, it’s how I run my sex life.”
“At first, I planned on strangling her with her Juicy sweatpants. But if she’s still wearing those, I’ve already won.”
“Did you have fun paying six months of my phone bill?” 
“Did you have fun giving the clap to the entire backroom staff of the New York Rangers?”

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anonymous asked:

why are shoplifters trash?

Tumblr shoplifters fuck up the jobs and lives of people who actually work for their money. You don’t need expensive makeup and clothes to survive, that’s bullshit. The people who work at those stores need their jobs and shoplifting affects the people at the bottom, not the top. 

You need to earn what you get. The tumblr shoplifters and those like them (which that post was about) are spoiled brats who need a smackwich