You came home from a long day to find your partner woohooing with the neighbour! How dare they! You proceeded to slowly lose your mind, throwing pixelated vases at the wall, and suddenly dropped dead. THE HEARTBREAK!
Yup…..this is legit how I would die….and the gif is related to how I actually deal with emotions (candy)
Things having a parent with poorly managed BPD causes
*some of these can apply to broken households and general abuse
**“you” might be just me
- you either question your logic and reality or cling to it like the ship is sinking
- as a result you develop a remarkable capacity to break down not only present logic, but go through past logic in the correct order
- you develop a stellar memory for dates as backup for when you are told “you only helped out once”
- you develop a stellar memory for what people say and do in order to be logically consistent
- you slowly lose your mind when your pin point accurate logic does not compute
- you cling to logic anyway
- you freak out when you find out, no it’s not that you didn’t clean your room, there’s a disorder and way of thinking that explains somewhat the logic used
- you are constantly forced to assess and reassess what you’re doing and if it makes sense
- you become a perfectionist, or give the illusion of being one, to survive.
- you may or may not develop a cluster B disorder yourself - recognized early enough, you can fight it
- you end up viewing your failures as cumulative and everlasting but your successes as fleeting, so failure is never an option and one success every day is crucial
- you make bigger and bigger plans because you’re constantly told your ideas aren’t “good enough” so you internalize this and as part of Project No Failure you say “fuck it, I’ll go make a ton of money and never be treated poorly again”
- you either learn how to situationally detach yourself or to detach for the rest of someone’s life
- when someone tells you they have BPD your heart starts racing and you, an extrovert, can’t speak for five minutes. But you decide you already love that person and will press on anyway
- you learn quickly whether your initial response is going to be flight or fight
- eventually you find a random article on “The Cycle of Abuse” and read it 17 times in disbelief because when describing your parents breakdowns to people over the last 5 years it follows the form perfectly
- you learn to detach and devalue emotions because if that’s what having emotions is, you don’t want it
- you struggle in relationships because initially you don’t understand criticism can be a one time thing and not God’s judgement upon your soul
- you eventually accept fighting on Christmas might be a thing
- you accept there are no “safe times” for being happy
- you accept that having “witnesses” is the only way to avoid random arguments
- you learn how to walk into a house and immediately gauge the emotional atmosphere without seeing a single person
- you become very fond of reading people by their eyes
- you constantly ask people how they’re feeling or what they’re thinking
- you also become sensitive to body language
- you try to understand if this person is good or bad and conclude there is no good or bad
- you fight low self esteem because if that’s what low self esteem leads to you don’t want it
- self analysis is always in order for you
- you cannot stand when other people will not reflect and look to improve
- the “I’m the best” and “I’m the worst” mentalities are not reconcilable in your head
- when your best friend, who you knew had BPD, “splits” you psychologically berate yourself for the next two years until your stellar memory finally succeeds in forgetting the feel of his hair or the smell of his car (lie: I haven’t forgotten)
- you think your emotions are in question because when you give a compliment or try to do something nice and special you’re yelled at or make the parent feel uncomfortable
- it takes a while to understand self deprecating humor
- no one is above your capacity to peace out or detach if the situation looks bad
- eventually, no criticism poorly presented and no negative commentary (intended to only do harm) can stick with you
- your mantra becomes “fuck off, I’m doing me”
- growing up, you live in anticipation
- you make a massive post on BPD, abuse and trauma and wonder if it actually made you feel better or not
I am slowly losing my mind.
Your absence is this abyss within me whose size cannot be defined.
God how I miss you.
Your smile, your laughter, and your cute pouting face.
Everything about you lights an eternal fire within me.
Except for this…
This silence that slowly kills me.
~Get ready for a sweet lazy morning with Dan in this Part. I hope you enjoy it and I see you for Part Thirtheen.~
up early the next morning only to hear rain pouring outside. You open your eyes
and see a grey cloudy sky through the window. The room is slightly freezing, so
you wrap the blanket closer around you to keep away the cold. It is very quiet
outside, as if the whole world is still sleeping and you turn around towards
Dan to find your own little world lying awake next to you. His fringe is pushed
back and slightly curly. You softly caress his cheek and trace his jawline with
your fingers. His warm brown eyes reflect the little light inside the room,
making them glow. You slowly lose yourself in his hazel eyes and your mind
wanders to a thousand familiar places at once, making you feel at home and
really have to get up right away?” you whisper in a sleepy voice. Dan gives you
a little smirk and shakes his head. He lifts his blanket to allow you to crawl
underneath it next to him. You cuddle up to his bare upper body and enjoy the
warmth of his skin. You twist a little to perfectly fit the mould that he is
in. As you lean your head against his
chest his fingers start to trace the outline of your body. You close your eyes
and listen to Dan´s even breathe and the rain tapping against the window in a
steady rhythm. You smell the scent of his skin and your head is filled with
nothing but only him. You stretch and crawl even closer to him. He rewards you
with a tender kiss on your forehead, his lips feel hot against your skin. You
let out a satisfied noise close to the purr of a pleased cat. He wraps you in
his arms and gives you another kiss before resting is head gently on yours. You
both linger inside the moment, while awake but still far away from the world.
You found yourself a piece of infinity inside this peaceful morning. The time
passes unnoticed and dawn is slowly breaking, but the clouds veil the light,
leaving you in a comforting twilight. Dan gently fondles with the strains of
your hair, while you trace the outline of his muscles on his shoulders and
back. A single beam of sunlight breaks through the clouds and dances around the
room. You look up and admire the way it illuminates the lightly golden skin on
Dan´s arm, before it vanishes again.
carefully turn around and stretch out comfortably, involuntarily pressing your
butt against Dan´s crotch. He lets out a cheeky giggle and puts his left arm
around your belly and pulls you closer again. He softly pulls your hair to the
side and passionately kisses your neck. His hot lips burn on your skin and you
shudder. You sigh of pleasure and close your eyes to focus on his kisses. You
grab his free hand and let your fingers intertwine with his. He whispers an
almost inaudible ‘I love you’ in your ear and rests his head back on the
pillow. You find a sweet comforting closeness in the following silence. The day
slowly awakens and you can hear busy people and cars pass by outside. You soon
have to get up, but you want to savour the last minutes. You close your eyes and attempt to fade out
the noises outside by concentration on Dan´s breath. It´s steady and even…in
and out, in and out. You admire the feeling of his warm, soft skin against yours,
his arms wrapped yours, holding you tightly. You can feel yourself falling
asleep, but before you drift into oblivion you are brutally brought back by
Phil´s alarm going off. You can hear the ringing through the walls and sigh,
knowing that you inevitable have to get up too now. You open your eyes and turn
around until you lie on your back. Dan leans over you and looks into your eyes.
You can read a slight sadness in them because your intimate morning had to end.
You caress his cheek and he gives you a little smile. He removes a strain of
hair from your forehead and kisses you, before he gets up. You stay where you
are and just look at him get dressed. You carefully watch the movement of his
muscles and curves of his body. Despite the twilight inside the room his skin
has a soft golden shimmer. You admire the way his shoulder blades move as he
pulls his black skinny jeans over his butt. He pulls up the zipper and your
eyes get caught by his prominent collar bones and the strong outline of his
neck. Dan gives you a quick glance, followed by a mischievous smile. With a resigned
sigh you get up too and start to pick out some clothes. You really need to get
some stuff from your apartment, but you eventually find something to wear. Dan
grabs your hand and you make your way to the kitchen. Phil is already there,
preparing his bowl of cereal as if it was science. “Good morning” you almost
sing happily and hug him quickly from behind, before you start preparing your
own cereal. You join Dan on the sofa, who is already comfortable in his sofa
busy editing your video the rest of the day, since he wants to upload it before
his live show. You take the time to go back to your apartment to get some more
clothes. When you come back, Dan is still sat in his sofa crease, like he
hasn´t moved for hours. “Dan, are you still editing? It´s been hours! Did you
eat something?” you ask worried. He looks up, surprised you are already back. “I´m
almost done. What time even is it?” he asks sitting up.
enough. Come on get up, I´ll make you something to eat. This video can wait for
ten minutes.” You say vigorous, while reaching out your hand. He laughs but
puts down the laptop and gets up. He follows you into the kitchen, still
laughing. You start making a quick pasta, when Dan hugs you tightly from behind.
“What would I be doing without you?” he murmurs in your ear.
still sitting in your sofa crease, but then complain during your live show how hungry
you are.” you reply laughing.
“No, I´m being
serious.” Dan´s voice is insistent. He turns you around, so you stand vis-a-vis.
“I´m enjoying life so much more since you are around, like the weight of the
world got lighter. This morning was so beautiful and I wish we could have
stayed liked that. I feel safe, when I´m around you, knowing that nothing can
hurt me and my secrets are safe with you. I can let down all my guards and just
be Dan.” He kisses you and shyly adds “I truly love you.”
love is crazy.
love is imperfectly perfect.
love is seeing your child smile.
love is the sound of a heartbeat.
love is your hearts beating in unison when you’re swaying on the dance floor.
love is music.
love is waking up at three in the morning aching a presence.
love is being held when you’re at your worst.
love is what causes the blur when reading that name you haven’t forgotten.
love is having so many feelings for someone the time before these thought consuming emotions is unimaginable.
love is slowly losing your mind to someone who doesn’t give a fuck.
love is doing something you could not possibly enjoy more unless that person was standing right their next to you enjoying it with you.
love is smiling at absolutely nothing but your own mind.
love is respect.
love is trust.
love is standing behind someone you have an unbelievable amount of feelings for and never leaving them.
love is when you can’t sleep and you’re staring at the moon with your phone pressed to your ear, praying and wishing that they pick up and when they do they don’t reject you, they don’t neglect you and they listen to your struggles or your silly stories of how you tripped over your tiny shoelace, or about a new song that came out by your favorite band.
love is a luxury I can’t afford.
love is patient.
love is the only thing that endures through every circumstance.
love is looking into your future thinking worriedly about everything that has ever stressed you out, but quickly realizing the problems solve themselves.
love is when you kiss someone and you both smile.
love is getting that warm feeling in your heart when you see them.
love is indescribable.
love is when you would do anything in the world for the one person without hesitation.
love is the sun on a cloudy day.
love is having something to smile about on the worst of days.
love is the best feeling in the world but also the most heartbreaking, self damaging.
love is a lie.
love is love.
love is so many things, and everyone has a different definition for it; that’s what makes it such a beautiful thing.