slow motion cats

they look like trouble cause they’re all in black. but you look at those puppy dog eyes, and those love heavy lips, and you know he’s soft underneath. you stay up chewing your eraser not doing your homework cause you’re thinking about what he’s doing if he’s up this late.

cussing dirt in the dark at the zombies on his tv screen cause he knows he’s never gonna pass this level, or wandering around in dirty socks and baggy boxers half blind, half dead, eating white slices of wonderbread.

maybe thinking of you. but that would be a prize, and the kind of love you want isn’t a carnival game.

they tell you they love you, and you believe them. even when they mixed their saliva with somebody else. they pull you to them by your waist, kiss you hard like they want you more then they want to breathe. and you smile on a saturday morning cause last night you dreamed of him, and when he put his arms around you it was real.

it felt so real this time.

they grab you by the hand and you run around the city at 3am; slow motion shadows, like twin cats, with neon light in your eyes and not worried cause your parents are sleeping and his voice is like cola on independence day. and they let you sit on their lap at 12am, by the park, when he’s got a smirk on his lips and smoke in his lungs and a pair of eyes on your neck and you don’t have a care in the world cause love feels like this.

you think love feels like this.

they’re tough like raw meat, and hard like stone.

they’re sweet like soda when the sun is sleeping on your skin, and they’re mean like when the bottle cracks. breaks in your hands and cuts you deep.

his jeans are blue with indigo. his converse are covered in spit, and dirt. his knuckles are bloody, and his heart is too.

you think you need to write poetry to stop thinking of him.

he thinks he needs to put some lead in his head to stop thinking of you.

they get their hair in their eyes, and stare at the floor, and put the color in your cheeks, cause he likes you in red. they’ve got broad backs, and big dreams. and they bite their lips when they look you in the eye.


brawny boys and all their noise.

well I never liked the truth much, but I think you ought to know.

they’re gonna break your heart.

—  prologue/some advice
South Side (Calum Hood AU)

Requested: No
Plot: Drugs, gangs, violence and the attempt to survive.
That’s what Calum Hood’s life revolves around as a guy who grew up in South Side. As he meets you, the incarnation of a well-bred girl coming from a good home, love tries to make way for itself in this screwed up life. 
Word Count: 13.819
Chapter One - 1.151 [Before him.]
Chapter Two - 1.261 [All beginnings are difficult.]
Chapter Three - 1.107 [When the real trouble began.]
Chapter Four - 1.211 [Falling for him hook, line and sinker.]
Chapter Five -  1.421 [Golden days and rose-coloured glasses.]
Chapter Six - 4.359 [Coming apart the seams.]
Chapter Seven - 3.259 [Deluded.]

Masterlist x. 
Inbox me here x. 

Before him. 

Driblets of sweat were forming on my forehead. I could feel the tiny drops pooling on my skin until the cold liquid flowed down, leaving a wet trace on my front before getting caught in my eyebrow.

I lifted my head and looked back over my shoulder towards the sun, narrowing my eyes to slits at the burning light. The water gathering in my brows was dangerously close to dripping and I raised my hand to wipe the sweat off my forehead, before letting my fingers glide through the damp streaks of my bangs.
The black asphalt beneath my feet looked like it was steaming and the thought of it melting any moment crawled into my mind. It would liquefy to a rubbery bubbling mush and the occurring dark sea on the street would swallow me up. Still heated from the sun, it would feel warm and cosy, nearly like a big black blanket nuzzling around my body while tearing me down. I’d just be gone; no more expectations to fulfil, not disappointing anyone any longer, no commitments left.

A heavy sight escaped my lips as my mind snapped back to reality.

Chicago was currently undergoing a heatwave, which meant it was the hottest summer since 1987. The sun beat down mercilessly and the only half decent – or somehow informative – aspect of the ridiculous heat was me learning, which absurd amounts of sweat my body could in fact produce. Showering seemed useless these days. All attempts were at no avail, because I just couldn’t get rid of all of the sticky fluids resting on my skin. Luckily for me Chicago’s whole population shared this distress, and by now nobody was giving others a strange look because of sweat stains anymore; everybody was suffering jointly.
My feet have taken a step forward after another and till now I didn’t even notice that I have nearly reached my final destination, the playground at the end of a very certain street.

Hastily I tried to make myself look somewhat presentable, as well as in any way possible. Amidst the pointless attempt of deducting my soaked shirt off my body, I felt clammy hands touch my skin.
Looking down I saw Noah smiling up to me while tugging my arm. As usual I ruffled his hair before intertwining his tiny fingers with mine, a small habit the both of us have created over the short duration of my stay at the ‘CCCS’.
The Child Care Centre Southside.
Working at the Centre during summer holidays seemed like a good chance to gain some hours of social work to improve my university applications and the staff there was always in need of a few helping hands. I liked the thought of interning with them out of good causes and altruism, but to be honest I was mostly doing the job to please my parents.
They were ecstatic, as one of their befriended couples from Europe told them about their daughter doing a social gap year between graduation and university and immediately decided that something similar would also be to my advantage. And as always I did just as they wish.
The only difference lay in the fact that my father would never allow to delay my studies for a year, hence I was now here;
in the middle of July, during the hottest summer since 30 years, taking nine kids on a walk to the district’s playground,
in Chicago,

South side.

Noah swung both of our hands back and forth to the rhythm of the nursery rhyme the kids were singing at the top of their voices. The melody seemed oddly familiar and I knew somewhere in the rear of my mind the lyrics were whirring around – neither used since a time that seemed ages ago nor forgotten anyway – but I couldn’t seem to grasp a hold of the words.
The little boy holding my hand looked up at me, though his voice seemed to be miles away as he begged me to sing along. Without looking down I ruffled his hair once again and just shook my head no, while staring intently straight ahead. My thoughts were already completely and utterly preoccupied with something – or more precisely someone – else as I guided the kids around the next corner.

There he was again.
He was sitting on his front porch with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other one, flushing down the smoke with a gulp of brew after every puff he was taking, while staring at me shamelessly.
Through the wire fence surrounding the run down house he was probably living in, his deep brown eyes found mine and sent chills down my spine.
In the beginning – when I started to notice his stares – I would always pretend not to be aware of his presence and walked past his house, concentrating on either staring straight ahead or talking to one of the kids. By now things have changed and I just returned his intense gaze. The second I walked completely past him I would turn my head around and he would look after me to lock gazes again, until I was too far ahead on the street and could hardly make out his silhouette anymore.
Somehow this boy had managed to capture my mind. The two of us were linked through an unsaid agreement, every day I would take the kids to the playground, taking the same route past his house, and every day he would be sitting on the steps, waiting for me while smoking a cig. For inexplicable reasons these few minutes achieved to become the highlight of my day. I couldn’t explain to myself why though. Maybe I simply enjoyed his good looks or maybe his urge to look at me with these indefinable deep stares every time I walked past him, made me feel beautiful and wanted, even if my hair was sweaty and sticking to my head and I had stains of dirt all over my clothes from babysitting all day.
I knew these two things played along, but being completely honest with myself I had to admit that the most viable reason seemed to be the dangerous radiances surrounding him. Danger was something I never had to cope with in my snobby guarded housing estate. Not in the private school I attended all live long, nor amongst my selected group of friends, who of course all came from wealthy families. My parents always had an eye on me and made sure that I evolved to a smart and good girl, who never broke the rules and made them proud. I was a flawless showpiece, the perfectly working subject, who was viewless and not in possession of own willingness, created under the pressure of my parents.
Danger portrayed a completely new sensation for me, which I wanted to experience desperately.
And this boy impersonated danger.

All beginnings are difficult

Edgar Allen Poe had always been my favourite author. Many people would disagree and think of his stories as morbid and weird, for me on the other hand these seemingly odd writings were masterpieces, touching me deep in my soul. As always I got completely lost in his stories and every now and then I had to force my eyes to look away from the pages and watch out for the kids. Letting my gaze roam around the playground, I quickly counted them and put my mind at rest as I saw all out of the group happily playing. Lilly and Thomas laughed at me from the sand box and with a short wave towards them, I gave my attention back to Edgars’ tale.

Maybe I could also become an author one day. For sure my parents wouldn’t be as pleased as if I would choose to become a doctor or a lawyer, but I guessed they wouldn’t mind as long as I wrote for important magazines and didn’t bring disgrace to my family’s name. I could write for The New York Times or Forbes Magazine. Writing about politics and becoming an external correspondent who worked all over the world and travelled to different places, suddenly seemed like the most interesting thing to do. It would offer the chance to witness something exciting and exceptionally for once in my life. I could escape Chicago. I could escape my parents.
Too deep in thoughts I didn’t notice the person taking a seat on the bench next to me.
“When do you finish?”
A small scream escaped my lips and the shock let me jolt at the sudden question directed towards me. Looking to my right I found no other than the boy from down the road.
A cigarette was hanging loose between his lips while he was reaching into his pocket for a lighter. Completely overwhelmed I stared at his features as he light up the fag and took a strong puff, inhaling the fume deeply before blowing the cloud of smoke out of his mouth in one slow motion.
“Cat got your tongue?” he finally turned his head towards me and bestowed me with an utterly unimpressed face.
“Uhm n-no… I mean… Please pardon my impolite behaviour. You had me frightened.” Mentally growing at that stupid and highly lofty remark I turned my head towards the kids, using my responsibility to watch out for them as an excuse to avoid his intimidating sight.
I have never seen him this close before. Even without looking in his direction my body was more than aware of his presence. It froze in fear and excitement, all at once, my skin burning where our arms nearly touched. The heat radiating from his torso let my skin form goose bumps and my mouth seemed to become as dry as I imagined it to be after walking through a desert for days without water.
In conflict with myself, I considered whether I should do what I have been told from a young age, in other words to just get up and leave the stranger, or if I should risk another glimpse and continue the conversation to see where it lead. For some reason I couldn’t fight the feeling in my guts and I decided to just go with it. Persuading myself with the argument that he basically isn’t a complete stranger, I eased the yelling warnings in my head and turned around to observe him in depth for the first time.
It wasn’t much of a surprising for me that he was wearing all black. Apparently he liked his clothes black and torn up, one of the many things I learned from our short encounters over the past weeks. Neither the less I had to ask myself how he was able to bear the heat in black skinny jeans and a black shirt.
The sweat was forming pools in my armpits, in the crook of my arms, at the backside of my knees where my tights changed to my calves. Simply at every inch where skin was touched by other parts of skin, hair, the material of clothes or even worse the sun. I was sweating like a pig, while he was sitting on this bench, looking like he jumped out of Teen Vogue’s latest edition, absolutely stunning and unimpressed by anything.
As my eyes wandered further up his body they came to a sudden halt at his arms. They were too defined to presume he wasn’t doing any sports and I wondered how he shaped them to their current state. Was he lifting? No, I didn’t see him as somebody who would go to the gym or lift at home in their cellar. Maybe he was a boxer – that would fit. Or he joined his school’s swimming team. At the thought of school’s athletic clubs I couldn’t restrain a frown forming my face. Who knew if he even attended school, and if he did his school most likely didn’t even have sport clubs. He didn’t look like the type to attend a school where it was all about cheerleaders and football jocks, but more like somebody who would smoke a blunt on the toilet and sell Speed during lunchtime. He probably wouldn’t even smoke at the toilet but in the middle of the hallways or why not going the whole hog and smoke in the teacher’s lounge, relaxing in the principal’s big armchair, tapping the ash of his joint onto the dark brown leather, which acquired a strange smell over the years.
Nearly unnoticeable for him I shook my head lightly and tried to get rid of the unstoppable word-vomit welling up in my mind again. I sometimes wondered if I was going crazy, the stuff going on in my mind being the first symptom. But in the end it didn’t matter.
My eyes travelled further up the boy’s body, roaming over his neck and his impressively strong jawline. For a short amount of time my gaze lingered a little longer than necessary on his lips, which he of course noticed. A smirk played around the corners of his plumb mouth, which somehow lead me to smile back; I couldn’t help it.
Once reaching the crown of his head I admired his thick brown hair, looking ever so soft, now I could see it as a close up. Wandering down again my eyes found his and I couldn’t fail to notice his pulled-up eyebrow.
“Well?” The world lingered in my ears as soon as it fell silent after leaving his mouth and my head turned an unhealthy shade of purple as I noticed that I was staring at the boy without answering him for a few solid minutes.
“I shall finish around six o’clock.” Not sure what he intended to do with this information it was more a whisper leaving my mouth than a statement.
“Great. Meet me at the back door.” He flicked his cig to the ground before stepping on it and getting up from the bench.
“What… but..?” What did he mean, ‘meet me at the back door’, I couldn’t meet up with him, I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me. Why would he like to meet up?
“Oi girl, conversations aren’t ya thing, are they? Geez, you heard what I said.” His dark clothes displayed a strong contrast to the burning sunlight, catching itself in his hair from behind. He appeared dangerous and angelic all at once, leaving me wonderstruck in his presence.
“Yes, of course.”
“Dope. Later, mother Teresa.”

When the real trouble began.

Another minute has passed by. I was sitting at the centre’s kitchen table, starring at the clock on the wall in front of me, my eyes following the second hand’s every move. It was three minutes to six o’clock and the anxiety welling up in my body got more and more by every second passing by. I thought about waiting a little longer and leaving the house a few minutes delayed, to seem a little less piteously, but to be honest I was afraid of that guy and I didn’t want to annoy him. That was if he was even outside.

At six o’clock to the minute I gathered my stuff together and shouted a short goodbye to my colleagues, before escaping through the back door.
He was leaning against a black motorbike, the significant cig hanging between his lips. My knees felt like jelly as I started to walk towards him.
His brown eyes stared intensely into my green ones, intimidating me. Once there were only a few inches left between our sweaty bodies he outstretched his arm to shove a black helmet into my chest.
“Come on princess, we’re going for a ride.” He took one last puff before snatching his cigarette to the ground and swung one of his legs over the shiny black metal of his bike.
I thought about declining his offer, but instead looked one last time to my left and my right, to make sure nobody saw me as I pulled the helmet over my head. It has been darned hot without the soft material clinging around my face, but with the protection on my head I felt like my brain would explode any second due to overheating.
I ignored he sweat running down my back and slung my arms around his body as he started the ignition and speed down the road. Through the thin material of his shirt I could feel his toned stomach and had to supress the urge to spread my fingers and let them glide under his shirt to touch his skin where it was hot and sticky from sweat.
The whole ride I was sitting still, pressed against the boys back, wondering where he would take me. I can’t tell how long we rode down the streets, until he stopped at the end of an alley way.
I took off the helmet and shook my head, to detach the wet sweaty strands of hair from my neck. Looking around I came to the conclusion that nothing worth riding this far was around and I wondered if it had been a good idea to trust a stranger who’s name I wasn’t even aware of. All of the self-defense methods I ever heard of suddenly flooded my head and my mind was making up scenes of how I could escape in case of emergency. Just as I was thinking about the pepper spray I had at home and why I never took it with me, I felt a touch on my hand.
I looked down to notice that he was slowly intertwining his fingers with mine, before pulling me after him and leading the way. I was staring at the back of his dark locks, while a warm tingly feeling spread in the pit of my stomach.
We were heading towards what looked like an abandoned house, passed its squeaky door and made our way upstairs, stopping in front of a little skylight.
He let go of my hand to wipe away the cobwebs and suddenly my palm felt cold and lonely.
“C’mere.” His words were only a whisper in my ear, as he pulled me in his embrace. For a short amount of time I was just standing there inside his arms, but after a few seconds he lifted me up and helped me to reach the edges of the skylight and pull myself through it.
He followed soon after, keeping me company on the housetop.
“Why would you bring me here?” I looked at him with a questioning expression, my eyebrows furrowed together.
“Cos of this.” Spinning around towards the direction he was pointing, my jaw dropped.
We seemingly drove onto some kind of hill and what I saw in front of me was breath taking. The sun was setting and between the red, purple and darkening sky you could make out a few single stars and Chicago’s lights emerging little by little.
“It is amazing.”
“I supposed you’d dig it.”
I turned around to find him staring at me. It was even more intriguing as all the other times our gazed caught each other and the sudden amount of tension building up between us was ridiculous.
He took a few steps closer until our bodies nearly touched, taking a seat to my feet. I took a place next to him and enjoyed the sensation of the spectacular scene above Chicago and the pins and needles tingling in my body caused through him.
“I come here quite a lot.” He was the first to break the comfortable silence, which enveloped me like a safe refuge, preventing me from saying or doing something stupid to mess up the situation and burst my bubble of a possible ‘us’. With speaking up he took me lifeline away and I fell into cold water, struggling to keep my head over water and save myself from drowning.
“It is indeed quite a stunning place.”
“You can cut the act, ya know? You don’t have to be like that in front of me. Loosen up a little, mother Teresa.”
He was cocking his head a little and a small smile played on his lips, as he pushed his elbow playfully into my side. I couldn’t help myself but let a few giggles escape my mouth.
It was bubbling up in my body and it was as if I overcrowded with laughter. It started slow and soft but was quickly building up until I was roaring with laughter. Tears were forming in the corner of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks, as I was laughing as if it was a matter of life. I carried him along and the melodic sound of his deep smooth laughs filled my ears and my heart with joy. I imagined seeing him laughing weird – him leaving the whole untouchable, uncaring and tough bad boy act for a few seconds – but the smile on his face let the discolouring sky seem like a dull grey sight.
Never before have I been as boisterous as in this moment, but also never before somebody had allowed me to be myself and to not keep up any appearances.

Falling for him hook, line and sinker.

We spent hours on this rooftop; laughing, talking about everything that float our minds, admiring our surroundings, me admiring him.

“… well and that’s basically how I ended up in CCCS.”
“Sounds like your rents expect a lot of shit from you.” From the corner of my eye I could see him raise his hand towards his lips, the ash glowing orange as he took a deep puff, and blowing up thick grey clouds of smoke into the air. We were both lying on our backs, our bodies nearly touching lengthways, faces towards the stars.
“Yeah, I suppose that’s true. What about you?”
“What about me?”
“How are your parents like?”
He didn’t answer. That was it. That was me drowning because of my own stupidity. That was my bubble bursting. I asked something too personal and he shut down.
I already saw him getting up and leaving me here, thinking about my stupid mistake, as a cough interrupted my thoughts.
“I’m sorry. I don’t really talk about my folks a lot.”
“You… you don’t have to. I shouldn’t have asked. I am sorry.” I was nearly stumbling over my own words as I attempted to press them out as fast as I could, trying to save the situation.
“No. I want to tell you, you should know it.” After a short pause he spoke up again. “Steve, my father, left when I was about a year old. Apparently the ‘life as a Dad’ was too much responsibility for him so he decided to do a runner with our camper while my mom went grocery shopping with me.
My mom, Valerie, is a drug addict. After Steve left we used to live at one of his friend’s couch, until Val found a new job – you might not even call it a job. She was dancing in a club and particularly sold her body to the customers as a return for drugs. A few years ago she got kicked out of the club, they told her she’s overaged and nobody wants to see her sagged breast anymore, which was kind of true. But after all she kept her ‘customers’ and as long as she still gets her pills, she doesn’t bother about anything else. She’s mostly sleeping out. I suppose she also gets food after she fucked them, but I don’t really know. Val’s not around a lot, but if she’s always high and only stops by to ask for money.
I also have an older brother, Alex. He busted his ass off and got a scholarship for university. He made it. He escaped South Side, but for me it’s already too late.” I still tried to handle his words as he felt the need to add an apology.
“Sorry, Teresa, I didn’t want to freak you out.”
“You didn’t.” Ever so slow my fingers grazed his and I intertwined my hand with his big one, before timidly rolling my head down to face him and admire his profile. “And it’s never too late.”
I don’t know whether he reacted to my words or my hand squeezing his, but he tore his eyes away from the stars above and gazed into my face.
“You nearly make me believe it.” His voice was barely above a whisper as his thumb stroke over the back of my hand in his and his eyes wandered between my eyes and my lips.
I could almost feel his breath on my lips, while my body began to shiver in edginess.
“And my name isn’t Teresa. It’s Y/N” I wasn’t sure if I even spoke out the words or if he could hear them, that’s how faint they escaped my lips.
“I know.” That was all I could make out before my world was set on fire, as his plumb lips met mine for the first time.
It brought the sweat to my brows at how intensive I perceived this one kiss, how my body reacted. Before this kiss I wasn’t even aware of all the feelings and sensations my body sealed away from me for all these years, it felt like I haven’t been feeling ever before.
His right hand was still having a tight hold of mine, as his left one found its way to my face and the tips of his fingers stroke down my face, before pulling me closer. My body pressed into his and screamed for more. I wanted to drown in him and opened my mouth allowing him to invade my body. His tongue slipped past my lips and teeth, touching mine briefly before heading back. I was in need of more and my tongue followed his, creating a rhythm between the both of us.  
My life got turned upside down, as he planted those kisses on my lips - those kisses that would change everything.
My life, my future, myself.

I arrived at home around 1am this night. I was clinging to his back - my hands found their way under his shirt a long time ago and were spread over the hot skin of his stomach – as he stopped the bike’s engine. He escorted me to the big white double door, which lead inside my frightfully expensive and equally subcooled home. Bending down for one last peck onto my lips, he let go of my hand and I had to open my eyes way too soon, as my heart was still swollen inside my chest and my lips were still prickling from the soft touch of his.
“Ridiculously enough I still don’t know your name.”
The smirk forming on his lips let his usual stern look soften and he pushed his hands into the pockets of his jeans, while looking to the ground and back up at my face again.
“It’s Calum. Calum Hood.”
“Well, will I see you again Calum?” A smile played on my lips, but it was hardly there out of amusement, more to outplay my vulnerability and sorrow of rejection.
“Of course. You’ll see me tomorrow. From now on, you’ll see me every day, Y/N.”
My hand was placed on his cheek as he closed his eyes and rested his forehead against mine.
He pecked my lips once more before stepping back and heading down the front porch towards his bike, leaving me to return back inside my home, a place I secretly feared.
The doorknob was already placed in my hand and I was about to let this night end, risking to blend the days into each other and be left with nothing but the memory tomorrow morning.
I looked back over my shoulder and saw his figure get swallowed by the dark of the night.
“Calum, wait.”
“Yeah?” He stopped in his tracks and turned around to face me again.
“Why me?” The question has lingered on my tongue for weeks and it finally found its way from my mind out of my mouth.
“What do you mean?” A trace of confusion built up on his face and I took a deep breath before repeating my concern more precisely.
“Why me out of all people? I don’t know why you chose me.”
“Neither do I. It is how it is.”

With that I was left wondering what was so special about me after all.

Golden days and rose-coloured glasses.

„Stop no Cal, I’ll fall!“ Loud shrieks escaped my mouth as I gripped my hands around the handlebar of Calum’s bike.  
I could make out his melodic laugh from behind before I felt him press a soft kiss on my shoulder.
“Trust me Y/N you won’t fall, I’ve got you.”
Gulping one last time I pressed the gas pedal together and the bike started to speed forward in jerky leaps.
Hot and muggy air lashed into my face and brought tears to my eyes due to the open aventail. They rolled back over my face and mixed somewhere on my skin with the stains of sweat, but I didn’t care. For once in my life I had the power. It wasn’t much - it was singly the control over an overaged rusty motorbike, but none the less it made me feel great. I had the power to decide where to go, how fast to get there and if we would get there at all. Nobody had power over me, but I had control over myself and over somebody else, not the other way around as usual. If I wanted to go full speed and decided to keep going straight during the next turn to crash into the wall ahead, he wouldn’t be able to change it. I had the power.
It made me feel alive.

And that was exactly the thing about Calum Thomas Hood – he made me feel alive. Those past two weeks had been the most incredible and vivid time of my life all because of him, although we never really did something really extraordinary.Most of our days consisted in him already waiting for me after my shift at the CCCS and we ended up driving around on his bike looking for some abandoned place. Since the heat wave was still going strong in Chicago it was way too hot to be active in any kind of way, so we would mostly just chill and talk for hours, while looking at the stars as the night was falling down, and with every single leaving his mouth I only fell harder for Calum.  I guess it’s a rear thing that people coming from two completely different vicinities, living worlds apart, could identify themselves with each other on so many levels as the both of us.  I was intrigued with him and our talks, because with every day passing by and every conversation we had I felt like I came a little closer to Calum, like I pulled off another layer, slowly breaking through his walls and getting him to quit the bad boy act to be more himself nightly.
And of course there was also always a lot of snogging involved.
To put it short with Calum all bets were off. The touch of his hand when he grabbed mine made my body go on fire, his simple laugh let me feel a tingling sensation in my head and every undertaking he talked me into made me feel rebellious and purposeful.
He has only been around for two weeks, yet in those days he has done more for me than anybody else in my entire life

“Where are you taking me Theresa?” Calum let his hand, which presumably former rested on the back handle, glide around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder. Despite I told him my real name weeks ago he still liked to use the initial nickname. I’ve once asked him why that is, but he just shook his head with laughter and told me that was just how he had always pictured me: a saint, pure.
“Let yourself be surprised, bad boy.”  Soft laughter resounded and his hot breath hitting the skin under my ear let me shiver.
“Take the handlebar.” I tried to shout back to him over the wind’s loud howling, but the speed seemed to swallow up my voice and I tried to point descriptive at the bike.
Cal seemed to understand and grabbed the handle so that I could release it. I placed my hand over his right one and twisted it nearer towards us, indicating him to go on full speed. I pushed the ventail upwards and let the wind whip into my face. As tears began to form in my eyes I rested my head against Calum’s chest, closing my eyes and stretching my hands to the side. He really made me feel like flying.

I could feel the chilling of the wind fading and opened my eyes, only to find Cal pulling onto a small forest path. We’ve been here a few nights before and I knew exactly where this way leaded us.
With a few metres of distance to the big pond emerging at the end of the path, Calum stopped the bike and looped his arms around me after pulling off his and my helmet.
“I love these kinda days, ya know.” He whispered into my ear while intertwining his fingers with mine, resting both of our hands on my stomach.
My head turned around to face him, probably looking like scarecrow with my hair somehow managing it to stick to my sweaty head and out in every direction at the same time, but I knew he didn’t matter.
“Hmmm… What kind of days?” My eyes found his and for the first time I noticed that if I was looking close enough I could make out small crinkles emerge in the angles of his eyes as a playful but genuine smile  formed on his lips.
“The days I get to spend with you.”
“Cheesy.”  A small chuckle escaped my lips as I laughed at his unbelievably cute but equally corny remark. As I softly pushed his shoulder back, he pretended to fall from the bike and carry me with him but stopped the both of us last second, for which he conversely earned a dark glare.
“Only for you, Y/N.” He let his lips brush over mine and gave me one sweet peck before pulling away and getting up from the bike, stretching out one of his hands for me to grab and follow him.
He raised his hand to the sky and whirled me around under his arm one time, humming a unfamiliar beat, before catching me in his embrace.
“May I have this dance, milady?”
“Well of course, milord.” He giggly placed a kiss on the back of my hand before pulling me back against his torso and started to hum again.
My head rested in the angle of his neck as we were swaying back and forth to the slow rhythm he created. I felt like dancing on clouds with my feet sinking into the wet moos surrounding the pond.
“You’ve got a beautiful voice. I never knew you can sing.”
“I used to be in a band.” I couldn’t quite make out why but somehow his voice managed to sound deeper and colder as he stated this fact completely new to me.
“Oh really, why used to? Did you guys split up?” It probably wasn’t my best idea to ask him about his band, but as I noticed his grip getting a little tighter and his body stiffer it was already too late to make my words unsaid
“Yeah.” The word was pressed out between his lips, nearly spat in anger.
I knew I should drop the theme and leave it like that, but curiosity got its best of me once again and I just had to step a little more forward. My parents had always considered curiosity one of my worst character attributes, but I never quite understood why. In my opinion curiosity was essential – it made me question things and stopped me from being satisfied with only half of an answer or half of the truth. In the end it did say ‘Curiosity killed the cat but satisfaction brought it back’ – sadly most people forgot about that last part.
“Why so?”
“I don’t really wanna talk ‘bout it.”
“Did something bad happen?” I couldn’t contain myself from asking one more time as we whirled around through the moos.
“Let’s just say the other boys stumbled over more important stuff to worry about. Got it?”
“Sure, sorry.”
“It looks like it’s about to rain. We probably should head home.”Only now I noticed the cold wind blowing through the trees and goose bumps formed on my skin as a shiver ran down my body. Knitting my eyebrows together in disbelief I raised my head towards the sky and to my amazement I noticed dark black clouds hanging above us, looking ready to release the rain they were holding and everybody was so desperately waiting for.

Coming apart the seams.

“Run.” Calum shouted as soon as he turned off the motor of the bike. He took my hand and pulled me right after him onto the patio of his house and pushed the door open with one hard jolt. The obviously unnecessity to cope with keys to open the shabby and broke door, appeared kind of unsafe to me, but in my soaking wet state I was more than glad to be rain sheltered as quick as possible. Of course we didn’t make it back to the city fast enough to escape the storm and by now we were both soaked and shivering form head to toe.
“Come on let’s go upstairs.” Cal nodded his head towards the staircase and I followed slowly as I let my gaze roam around his home for the first time.

The passage to the kitchen was blocked by a black bin bag overflown with empty pizza boxes and Chinese take away boxes. The counter was piled with dirty dishes and empty to half empty beer and wine bottles, one of them had fallen over and created a puddle of alcohol on the brown tile floor. On the other side of the staircase I could catch a small glimpse of the living area, which’s focal point was a shady green sofa covered in various indefinable stains and fag burns all over it. An old TV was placed on a small glass table in front of it, a various show flickering over the screen, the significant empty beer bottles once again placed over the glass’ spare spots. On the sofa’s armrest was an ashtray placed, a half finished white smoked resting in it, which in my opinion didn’t look like a normal cigarette.
Other than that there wasn’t much to see in Cal’s home. Not because it wouldn’t be interesting enough to talk about, but rather because there was nothing else there, no more furniture, no pictures, nothing that made this place feel like a home. I followed him up the stairs and entered a small corridor with three doors.

“That’s my brother Alex’ room, well it was when he still used to live here… and that’s the bathroom if you need it” He pointed to a closed door and pushed the other one open, revealing it to me before we took a halt in front of the door right across the bathroom. He took a deep breath before grasping for the handle and pushing it down.
“And that’s my room.”
He looked at me in a rather inviting manner so I took a step past him to enter his room and have a closer look. As soon as I entered it a wave of surprise washed over my body, observing that his room was startling tidy and organised compared to the rest of the house. The walls were painted navy blue, not one single picture or poster decorating them. Under the small window stood a desk, a black lamp, a book and various writing stuff placed on it. The rest of the room was occupied by his bed covered in white sheets, pushed against one wall, and opposite of it stood a dresser where he supposedly stored his clothes, a framed picture standing on top of it. Knowing that I might cross another line I stepped closer towards the picture and let my hand glide over the frame, observing his face as I did so. Neither his jawline hardened nor his eyes became a shade darker which normally displayed his rising anger, thus I took the frame and allowed myself to have a closer look. It was an old picture, the colours nearly turned to white, that’s how faded it was. It showed a man who was presumptively Calum’s father, since he looked a lot like him, smiling down at a black haired, rather stunning woman. The woman was holding a baby in her arms and had a small boy to her feet, all four persons on the picture looking insanely happy. Not until now I noticed the surrounding of the family; they were standing in front of a small but nice house with a beautifully trimmed garden, nothing like the house Calum was living in now.
I wondered how he must feel, waking up every morning starring at this picture of his family, being happy and doing okay, and having to wonder daily how his life would have turned out if his father hadn’t left the family. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t stop myself – for the first time I sincerely pitied him.  
“You look nervous.” I stated as placed the picture back on its spot and faced him again.
“There’s never been a girl in my room.” He somewhat looked ashamed as he gave away his secret to me, breaking our gazes and looking down at his shoes. I wasn’t used to him acting shy and had to suppress the smile forming on my lips.
“I am glad to be the first one.” I took a step towards him and took his left hand in mine, bringing it up to my lips to place a small kiss on each of his knuckles, until he looked up at me again.
“Ya probably want to change.” Opening his dresser he pulled out one of his torn up black muscle shirts and dark grey sweat pants, the clothes crumbled together carelessly, placing them into my hands.
“You can stay here, I’ll use the pot.”
With that he pulled out some clothes for himself before leaving me my private space to change.

I was glad that he had left me alone, so I could peel out of my drained clothes, clinging to my body because of the mixture of rain and sweat. My body had a strange smell sticking to it, a mix of fresh rain and nature and the sweet sourish odour of my own, seemingly odd and loathly.
I was wearing a skirt and began stripping it down, the piece effortlessly falling to the ground, creating a circle around my feet. As I wanted to strip my shirt off my body, I struggled while the wet material stuck to my forehead and its strap somehow managed to tangle into my hair.
I began to drag and tear to finally crow over the piece of cloth and when my vision was clear again it fell straight ahead – through the narrow gap of the slightly opened door into the room across the hall. My gaze caught itself on Calum’s, meeting in the smeared mirror in front of him.
His eyes held mine captive for a solid minute before he averted my gaze and let his one travel down my body. Ever so slow his eyes wandered deeper down my figure, observing every inch of my exposed body, only covered with underwear. I began to feel somewhat uncomfortable and vulnerable but I wasn’t able to react to those emotions as Cal’s jawline suddenly hardened and he turned around, walking straight towards me, wearing nothing but a pair of olive boxer briefs.
His sight held mine as he pushed the door open and closed the gap separating us.
Due to his hard facial expression and his tensed muscles I expected him to crash his lips onto mine fiercely, but instead he let his hands glide over my face and cheeks, softly down the sides of my body and letting them rest on my hips while he placed his lips for a small peck onto mine.
For some reason his actions drove me more insane than a hot and dominant one could ever have and I felt myself urging for his kiss. Leaning in I linked our lips once more and got lost in the familiar motions of our mouths moving together. My hands reached upwards, tangling themselves in the back of his neck, like always finding their place in the curve of his neck, where his backbone and hairline met. Ever since our first encounter my mind went crazy thinking about his soft black hair between my fingers, and not once had reality ruined my imagination from back then, his hair glided through my fingers like black silk.
My hands were shaking as I untangled them from the short locks and wandered further down his body, feeling his skin under my touch for the first time. I gingerly draw with my finger over his left shoulder, then over his right, taking my time. My nails drew various shapes between his shoulder blades, before I let the tip of my finger dance down his spine, hardly touching the hot skin while sending shivers down his back.
He never got more urgent. His lips pressed a little harder against mine and his fingers buried themselves in the flesh of my hips, but he never got any faster or pushed me. He took his time.
And he made me feel precious in his arms.
“You are beautiful, Y/N.” The hot air of his whisper hit the skin underneath my ear and caused me to press my legs together. He placed his mouth over the spot where his breath had warmed my skin, as if he tried to savour the warmth on my body. His lips glided along my neck, placing little kisses everywhere on their journey down to my collarbone. I could feel his fingers leave the skin on my sides, only to be reconnected with my shoulder, cautiously gliding under the strap of my bra.
“May I?” Once more my body reacted to his lips humming over my skin and it formed goose bumps under his breath painting it.
A shaky breath escaped my lips as my head fell back into my neck. My eyes were closed and my mind and body were solely concentrated on Calum’s touch. I nodded my head slightly in approvement, not knowing if Cal actually noticed it or took my silence as affirmation, but neither the less he placed the strap between his pointer and middle finger, letting his palm glide down my upper arm, slowly undressing me as he repeated the exact same movement on my other side.
I felt cold and lonely as the heat of his body wasn’t there anymore, when he took a step back and disconnected himself from me.
Without his touch on my skin reality broke over me like a stroke to the stomach and a rush of uncomfortableness suddenly hounded through my body.
I was standing there in my panties, naked for the first time ever in front of somebody else than my mother and doctor, and the need to cover my bareness grew stronger by every second of him looking at me.
My hands shot up to cover my chest and my head fell forwards, the wet streaks of my hair building a curtain in front of my heated face.
“Don’t.” The tips of Cal’s fingers glided over my arm as he tried to show the unnecessity of my embarrassment, but I still refused to let go.
“What’s suddenly wrong with you? Talk to me.” His voice was barely above a whisper, but the pleading rang through to my ears.
“It’s… It’s just uhm… “, I have never been one to be at a loss for words, but I didn’t know how to surround my thought by words without sounding pathetic. “I am afraid.”
I looked up into the face I grew to love over these last days and found a frown taking place between his eyebrows, confusion clearly present in his eyes.
“I don’t know, of doing something wrong.” I threw my hands in the air before letting them glide thorough my wet hair in a desperate gesture. “Of being not good enough for you. I.. it’s… You are my first Calum.”
We have never talked about it, but it didn’t take much to figure out that Cal had already been with a lot of women. I felt it in every touch of his, he knew exactly where to place his hands, how to move, what to do. He was experienced, and I was not.
I didn’t mind him having other girls before me, I really didn’t. As said that was before me and I had no problem with this circumstances. What was my problem was the possibility of failure, of disappointing him and of losing him afterwards.
I could feel him placing his finger under my chin, forcing me to look up as he lifted his hand.
“Y/N. You already are better than everything I ever had. I am honoured to be your first.”
I searched in his eyes for any sights of dishonest or parody, but all I could see was tenderness and something I couldn’t quite make out, nearly seeming like love.
“Say you’ll remember me.”
Calum let his finger glide from under my chin to my cheek, where he rested it before softly caressing my cheek with his thumb. I allowed myself to cock my head to the side and rested it in the palm of his hand, closing my eyes.
Even before I could feel his forehead lean against mine, I felt tension build up in the air again and my stomach doing twists, as he took a step closer again, trying to close the gap between our bodies once more.
“I promise. Forever.” His words pushed me over the edge, leaving all doubts and worries behind. I was ready to give Calum every little piece of me, my mind, my body, my heart.
I got up on my tiptoes and pressed my lips against his plumb pair. With my heart beating on full speed I reached down between our bodies and stripped my panties off, letting them fall onto the wet wooden floor, where puddles of water were forming to our feet due to the rain dropping off our bodies.
Cal followed my actions and let his last piece of clothing join the ones spread out on the floor. I didn’t dare to look down and observe him in all his glory, but the lone feeling of his boner pressed against my stomach made me feel week to my knees, forcing me to put my hands on his shoulders to prevent me from falling.
The sweet kisses shared between us soon got more intense and lead us back to something I wouldn’t call a make out session but more classify as sharing love. His big hands, rough from probably getting himself worked up with his bike, stroke down over my bare backside, fitting perfectly into the curve where my butt changed over into my tights, as if it was solely created to lay there. Effortlessly he lifted me up and stumbled through his small room until his legs hit the edge of his bed. He took care to not let me fall and carefully placed both of our naked bodies on his bed, him on top of mine.
Thoughtfully he lifted my back and pulled the covers out from under my body, placing them over us to give me a small bit of guardedness, making me feel at ease with my nakedness.

Amongst Calum shove my legs open and placed one around his waist we suddenly heard the front door open, followed by a loud noise.
He simply ignored it but my mind suddenly was clouded with the fear of getting caught in the act.
“Calum, what was that sound?”
“Just Val coming home. Ignore it.” He hushed the words out while placing kisses all over my neck, but I couldn’t convince myself to concentrate solely on him again.
As the sound of shattering glass and a male voice got through upstairs he lifted his head with a frown on his forehead. Listening concentrated an expression of wonder replaced his former confused and alerted one.
“That’s my brother… What’s Alex doin’ her- Oi shit, what the fuck!“ A loud shot ringing through the house cut him off mid-sentence, bringing him to jump up from the bed and grabbing the sweatpants, former destined for me, off the floor while cursing under his breath.
Bending over my body lying exposed on his bed, he stroke over my hair and pressed a kiss on my lips before whispering to me accompanied by a determinative stare.
“I’m so sorry Y/N.”
I just nodded my head and buried it under the sheets, remaining in fear.

Calum’s POV

I sprinted down the stairs, nearly tripping over a few empty bottles spread out on the floor. At the bottom of the staircase I found my mom and brother shouting at each other, him carrying a gun and her with tears running down her face. A few years ago her appearance would have shocked me; smeared make up on her face, her hair in knots, her panty hose torn apart and her shirt riven by moths. But nowadays, I was used to it. I was all too well aware off her fucked up state of mind and her self-destructively behaviour to be startled. What was surprising me on the other hand was the sight of my brother. Big purple shades were forming on his cheek and under his eye, a cut extended from his eyebrow up his forehead and blood ran out of his mouth. Apparently he got into a fight and the question was: why would he? He was a college student with a scholarship and there was no explanation for his condition coming to my mind, nor one why he was at home. He hasn’t been since he started college three years ago.  

“What the fuck is going on? Alex you fucking asshole put that gun away!” I’d loved nothing better than to shout at the top of my lungs at the last two people I considered family, but I knew better than to unsettle Y/N who was still upstairs.
“Don’t dare you little shit call me an asshole when our stupid whore of a mother stole my shit!” His voice roared through the halls, destroying my attempt to save my girl the trouble.
“You shitty bastard, I brought you to live, the least you could do is repay your old mother since you left us for that fucking better live of yours.” The words loudly slurred out of my mother’s mouth and the little fresh circular marks on her arms confirmed her once again high state, on whatever drug it was this week.
“Valerie shut the fuck up.” Alex lifted his arm once again, pointing the gun at my mom.
It was a stupid move but I didn’t know how else to stop him and thus I tackled him to the ground, falling on top of his body and pressing his hands to the floor above his head.
Valerie took this opportunity and disappeared through the back door as fast as possible, probably taking shelter in one of her ‘customers’ flats.

A sigh escaped my lips and I rolled to the side, resting on the floor next to Alex.
I could hear steps in the hallway above us and as I turned around I found Y/N running down the stairs, my heart bursting at the horrified look on her face.

“What was that sound? Calum are you okay?” Tears were streaming down her face as she saw me lying on the floor next to my brother, breathing heavily with some of his blood smeared over my shirt. She must have thought I got hurt during a fight with him and I hated myself for putting her through this fucked up situation. That was the exact reason why I was afraid of speaking to her for weeks. The reason why I was just sitting on my front porch, admiring her from afar and forbidding myself to talk to her. Even though I didn’t know her back then I wanted to protect her. She was too pure and too innocent, too special and precious for somebody like me.  She deserved better than this. Better than me.
“Take my bike and drive home. I’ll come later.” I got up and pressed my keys into the palm of her hand, placing a hard kiss on her lips and inhaling her scent one last time before shushing her out the door and let her go. Shutting the door behind her I took a few steps back and took a seat on the stairs, staring intensely at my brother.

“She stole it.” He gritted the words out between his teeth.
“She always steals money, get over it college boy.”
“Oi, what?!”
“That bitch stole my meth.”
“God damn Alex, get over it and buy another gram. I didn’t even know ya still into that shit.” I shook my head with a smile on my face, laughing at my brother and out of some sick reason feeling happy that he was still doing drugs and hasn’t completely lost his inner South Side bad boy in college.
“I don’t do it, I sell it.”
The smile fell from my face.
“Alex, no. Why would ya do this? Fuck man, you got outta here ‘nd you’ve got a future ahead don’t ruin shit!”
“I already did ruin it.” He turned his head to face me and shock overcame my body at the sight of his glassy eyes, tears welling up in them. “I lost my scholarship. I started dealing again to come up for the college fees.”
“Please tell me you’re not dealing for them?”
Silence cut through the room and confirmed my biggest fear. Over him they found their way back into my live.
Michael, Ashton and Luke were back.
“Val stole about half a dozen. I bet with a look at my face you can tell what they did as they found out. I’m lucky they still consider you as their friend and show some kind of loyalty towards you, otherwise they would have cut my throat open. I’ve got three days to pay them back.”
“Fuck Alex… I hate you for making me do this - I’ve got your back.”
His eyes bored into mine, holding relief but also confusion, debating if I had gone insane to promise him my support. I got back up on my feet, outstretching my hand towards him.
“Don’t act surprised. While ya went to college those last years I was still hangin’ round this shitty place. Even if you forgot where ya from, I didn’t. We are brothers. We are from South Side. It’s an unwritten law. That’s what we do.”
A smirk formed on Alex’ face, as he gladly accepted my outstretched hand to let me pull him up again.
We hugged each other and patted our backs before I spoke up again with a big grin on my face and playful madness evident in my voice.
“Now drive me to my girl’s. You shithead ruined my chance of getting laid.”

To be honest I would have preferred a rather silent drive, but sadly we didn’t have much time and we had to think about a plan to come up with the money for my former band-mates. We were absolutely fucked. Robbing something was too hot considering my criminal records, selling weed which was my main income during summer months wouldn’t make enough money fast enough and stealing and reselling a car wouldn’t pass off in time. We ran out of options and more importantly out of time.
The drive passed without an upcoming solution as I guided my brother the way to Y/N’s house. I was biting my nails the whole time and smoked about half a pack to calm myself down, anxious to see her again and explain the whole situation.I just have never felt the way I feel for her before. Risking to sound cliché and stupid I have to say she makes me want to be a better person and for the first time in my life I was ashamed of my origins. I knew she would never judge me because of my family home, she wasn’t like that, but I definitely didn’t want to be driving to her house in the middle of the night to explain why my brother tried to shoot my mother. I wanted to be her shoulder to lean on, the person she would come to when she had problems or fears, not the person that caused the problems in her perfect world.I snipped the ash of my cig out of the window and nodded my head towards the left to announce her house’s entry to Alex. He pulled to the side in front of the gate, parking half on the sidewalk of the expensive neighbourhood.
I loosened my seatbelt and checked my pocket for my phone once more before reaching for the handle, wanting nothing more than to leave this car and be in her arms again.
Alex speaking up stopped me.
“That’s it.”
“Hm?” In thoughts I was already in Y/N’s room, apologizing and kissing away her tears away and I wasn’t really in the mood to discuss our plans any further this night.
“That girl. She’s the answer.”
A disquieting feeling formed in my stomach and made it twitch as I thought about the possible meanings behind my brother’s words.
“What do ya mean?”
“Look at the fucking castle she lives in. I bet her parents won’t miss a few diamond earrings and Rolex watches. Just go for the expensive stuff and screw that chick afterwards.”
Sickness welled up in my body at the thought of doing this to Y/N and leaving her, my hand crushing the cigarette in it together, burning myself in the process. I hardly took notice of the pain on my skin, the pain of losing her in my heart being way bigger.
“I can’t, Alex.” I turned my gaze towards my lap, my fists clenching together as tears of hurt started to wall up in my eyes, knowing all too well what was about to come.
Alex leaned over the centrepiece, his hand grabbing the handle before pushing the passenger door open for me.

“You can. And you will. As you said little brother;we are from South Side. It’s an unwritten law. That’s what we do.” 


This night sleeping became an impossibility. But on the contrary to all these other summer nights, it wasn’t the unbearable heat that didn’t let me drive to sleep, but rather the fault of solicitousness. Sorrow overbalanced my thoughts, as I lay in my bed and looked up to the stars, their infinity reflecting the inscrutableness of my scattered mind. I was worried about Calum, if he was well; and I was worried about us, if we were well.
The French window to my right stood wide open and let some of the cool air, rain always carries at its tail, breeze through my room, but there were still no sounds from the street reaching me. During this night the world seemed dead.
Under normal circumstances this uncaging silence calmed me down. I had always been a lover of these late hours, the blending from night to day, when nobody was out there and the world was without expectations to satisfy. But today it appeared unsettling, the calm after the storm somehow strengthening my dark prospects at the thought of him. But for all that, the absence of live outside these walls had the advantage of nobody hearing the loud sobs escaping my lungs, as I arrived at home, what seemed like a lifetime ago, with tears streaming down my face and hands shaking like a leaf.
Meanwhile the flood of tears had stopped and my puffy eyes and red nose where the only indicators of my former state. I wondered if he would come around at all and decided to distract myself with reading a book of E. A. Poe. The plan did work out great for about two minutes, until my mind drifted off to him again, the book, being the one I read when he first talked to me, not helping much to ban him from my mind.
With a weary sigh I put the roman back aside on my night stand and sat up in my bed, looking down at the pyjama, which I traded in for the still sodden clothes I had been wearing all night. A twine was sticking out at the seam of my blue pants and I began plucking at it randomly, as the sound of steps on the gravel road, leading to my front door, came to my ears.
Not even a second went by until I was standing on my balcony, looking down at the dark figure, my heart was beating in my chest rapidly and a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders, at the time I identified the person as Calum.
I nearly flew down the marble staircase, as I ran as fast as my feet could carry me down into the hall, almost crashing into the front door, before opening the entry and throwing myself into Cal’s arms.
For a moment we just stood there, neither of us daring to say something. My head was buried in his neck, his chin was resting on my crown, our hands tangled around each other’s body, holding on our corps tightly with no intention to let go. Calum was the first one to break the silence.
“I’m so sorry.” His whispered words lost themselves somewhere in my hair, as he pressed kiss after kiss on the top of my head.
The sound of his voice was all it took for the tears to well up in my eyes again and find their way rolling down my cheeks. He probably wouldn’t have noticed my bewildered state, since my face was still buried in his body, but the soft sobs crawling out of my lungs backstabbed me.
It seemed like he was torn in his actions, not knowing how to react, firstly pressing me harder against his body and tightening his embrace, but secondly taking a step back and looking into my eyes. His hands found their way towards my cheeks automatically, his rough thumbs sweeping the tears away.
“Babe, please don’t cry. I’m so so insanely sorry for making you go through this.” Calum’s deep brown eyes held a ton of emotions, as he bend his head down a little to comfort me with his actions, but one was the most outstanding: hurting. He was hurt because of me crying, my harm was his harm. And knowing this fact let my heart swell in my chest.
But right now, between all these events of tonight, the only thing my mind was focusing on was him calling me ‘babe’ and I couldn’t stop a small sincere smile forming on my lips.
I must have looked rather funny and insane, standing there like a fool, a smile playing on my lips as tears ran down my face – and I started to giggle. It began softly but soon the giggles bubbled out of my mouth and turned into a full on laughing fit. Calum eyed me with a baffled expression but was gradually joining my infectious laugh. And that’s how it happened.
That’s how we ended up in front of my house, in this shallow neighbourhood were nothing but the right manners and the breadth of your bank account mattered, in the middle of a dead silence night - when those fits of laughter turned the atmosphere and lead to emotionally charged kisses.
During collapsing with laughter our eyes met and our lips crashed together. My hands immediately found their way to his neck, clinging into his soft locks in a desperate need to get even closer to him. Calum’s hands glided down my body towards my butt, pushing the seam of my shorts upwards, his hot skin displaying a heavy contrast to the cold breeze now whirling around my exposed backside. It was different than a few hours ago, when we have simply been two teenagers on the verge of discovering the other’s body to satisfy sexual cravings; now we were in need of each other.
He wasn’t as gentle as before, but I didn’t mind. We were hungry for love, for being the closest we could get.  
I completely lost myself in Calum’s kiss and touch, and that was my exact intention for tonight. I made an attempt to jump, whereby he got the clue right away and lifted me up, followed by me straddling my legs around his waist. He grabbed a hand full of my ass, as his tongue shove itself into my mouth, going back and forth in rhythm with mine. I had to clasp my legs tighter together, on the one hand because I was slipping further down his body as he started going forwards and on the other hand to bridle the outrageous lust bundling between them. His legs moving with every step caused friction at that one exact spot, driving me completely insane and bringing me to throw my head back in pleasure. He didn’t move his head as my lips left his, leaving his mouth on my neck to find a spot to suck on. His lips moved there with as much passion as he had put in kissing my mouth before, a mixture of gliding feathery over the sensitive skin, slight licking and hard sucking. They wandered around as if he tried to explore and infix every spot of my body in his mind, continuing his doings on my larynx and educing a moan from my throat. As backlash he only started sucking harder on it, winding up in more moans leaving my mouth, while he was taking the step of my front porch.
I wasn’t prepared for this kind of leg movement under me and glided down, leaving hanging somewhere in the middle of his thighs. Trying to shove myself up again, I unsuccessfully wiggled around a little, noticing my own inefficiency and changing my moves to wave like hip motions. My poor attempt of repositioning myself, expressing it in me pushing my core against Cal’s well noticeably boner, must have triggered something in him, because in the next breath I was harshly pressed against a wall. He literally rammed his hard on against my hips, solely holding me up with the pressure between our lower bodies, as his hands left my ass and found their way under my shirt. His forehead was leaning against mine, both of us grasping for air although to different reasons. Calum was still breathing heavily from putting his air in kissing me and I, I was still trying to get used to the tingly feeling he was sending through my body with his touch.
As reaction to his fingers gliding up my skin, new forming goose bumps appeared on my stomach, adapting to the unfamiliar touch of a boy. He let his hand rest dangerously close under my breast and my breath stopped. Calum opened his eyes, his gaze finding mine as he silently asked for my permission. I agreed with my lips crashing back on Cal’s and my hand placed over his, separated through the thin material of my pyjamas, guiding it over my bra. His body immediately responded to the newly created intimate contact and I noticed his boner getting even harder, although I thought of it as an impossibility. And being completely honest it scared the shit out of me.
I had absolutely no clue what I was doing, being unexperienced was an understatement to describe my current state of first-hand knowledge of sexual actions.
I wasn’t prepared for a boy showing up in my life anytime soon, not with my parents keeping that strict watch over me, I wasn’t prepared for falling head over heels in love within a month, and I most of all was prepared of this boy being him. My feelings for Cal were out of control. It was overwhelming, just like him, and I felt like being in the free fall. A free fall into the world of Calum Hood, into motorbikes, into drugs, into South Side – and I couldn’t do anything against it.
In spite of all that, here I was, pressed against the wall of my foyer, Cal’s hands grazing my breasts. He let his fingers glide over the wire of my bra, a lazy back and forth driving me sheer insane, before he let his hands slide over my swollen breasts and pinched my hardened nipples. An urging desire bundled between my legs and I pressed them intuitively together, as his thumbs formed circles over my cleavage. My eyelids got heavy of lust and I let my hands glide over his neck and shoulders, pressing my lips against his. The kiss got more fierce and steamy, a violent approach and withdraw of hot mouths and tongues. I shuddered and a sweet moan, escaping my lungs, lost itself in Calum’s mouth. Our cores were particularly merged and I had no chance of actually touching his lower regions, but the sole attempt of my hand gliding along the waistband of his jeans, let him loose his last bit of self-control.
“Fuck that’s it.” He hissed under his breath while stepping away from the wall. I nearly fell down at the loss of contact and pressure, but he swiftly yanked his hands out of my shirt and grabbed my butt again, catching me. My body was pressed against his, hand still resting on my ass, both of us breathing heavily.
“C’mon.” Intertwining his hand with mine, he haphazardly ran up the stairs, whirling around in a wild aim of finding my room. More precisely finding my bed.
“First door left.” I couldn’t even finish my last words before he was dragging me into the stated direction, the both of us standing in my bedroom within seconds.
Everything got hot and dizzy, a fire running through my body and I somehow lost my shirt. Cal took a step back, taking his time to admire me for the second time this day, the only difference was me being more confident this time. His hooded, lustful eyes scanned over every inch of skin, his chest raising up and down as if he just ran a marathon. I knew the feeling.
I was licking my lips and tried to control my breath, before losing consciousness.
He took my breasts in his hands, pressing them together before placing a kiss on my décolleté.
“I’ll never get tired of this view.” His whisper hit hot against my skin before he unhooked my bra, letting my underwear join the pile of clothes spread on the floor, as well as his own.
We found ourselves again tangled under my sheets, his tip placed at my entrance. He felt hot and smooth down there, almost silk like. His boner parted my flesh where it was wet and aroused, transferring me to unknown pleasure with his strokes. I softly whispered his name and buried my face in his shoulder. At his first penetration my teeth dug into his muscles, on account of the short sharp sting spreading in my core.
“All right?” Concern was wafting through his voice, as he stopped his movements in order to check up on me. I simply nodded my head, urging him to go on. I knew there was no going back; I wanted him, and I needed him.
I exhaled audibly, while he began to push further inside me, keeping his eyes glued to me, willed to stop anytime. It was a slow, easy rhythm, which gave me time to stretch and adjust myself to his size, before he grabbed my hips and buried his erection completely inside me with one last thrust. I was gasping for air; he filled me up completely. An ardour of passion burned me inwardly, I clutched to his shoulders and wrapped one leg around his backside. I lifted myself to conceive his kiss, as he started moving in slow motion. His muscles were hard as stone under my touch, he pulled back halfway and thrusted forward once again.
“Y/N.” He whispered my name into my hair, his hands gliding up and down my body in the most loving way, setting my skin on fire. It spread out over my feet, my stomach, my chest, up to my head, making me dizzy.
Our bodies were sweaty, sticking together where we blended into each other, where skin was slapping onto skin. My whole world was focused on the parts he was touching, nothing mattered, but the feeling he caused in my heart.

It wasn’t like in one of those teen movies. I didn’t enjoy it right away. And by all means I for sure didn’t reach my orgasm. It was the first time for me, I was in pain most of the time, bearable pain, sometimes mixed with slight pleasure.
It was neither two minutes in-out-done sex, nor sex with me screaming of lust at the top of my lungs, classified as near porn.
It was simple love making, leaving me overwhelmed and wonderstruck.
Leaving me with the realisation, that even the smallest hidden corner of my heart, was now entirely his.

Calum’s POV

She deserved better. I loved her, but she deserved better.
My brother was right hereof - boys like me simply weren’t made to love girls like her. I couldn’t deny were I came from and I couldn’t change the fact who I was, my origins – the real me – would always be close on my heels, trapping me sooner or later, no matter how fast I ran. This time it was part of my family showing up with drugs and weapons at home, a rather non-disturbing act for me, but utterly disturbing for her, and next time it would probably be something else. It would never stop, there would always be a next time; I was from South Side, and that’s how it was in South Side. There was no escape.
I was already too late for me, I wasn’t able to change my destiny, but I was able to be loyal to Alex and I was able to rescue her. I didn’t have the heart to drag her into this messed up life, if she had such amazing opportunities lying ahead of her. She wasn’t aware of it yet, but eventually she’d realize that there was no spot for somebody like me in her life. I was a rebellious act, I was an adventure. I’d just accelerate proceedings.
It broke my heart, but it was how it was.  
And so I looked down one more time at the girl in my arms, before getting up from her bed and gathering my things together in the dark shelter of her room. As I was fully dressed again, still smelling the rain in my clothes, I turned around once more. The moonlight fell through the window and tangled itself in her hair, shining a light on different parts of her face, letting her seem flawless. And as I stood there looking at her, I didn’t have the heart to leave without telling her at least once.

“I love you.”
Spoken out loud, the truth let the weight on my shoulders get even heavier, dragging me down, as I turned around and left.

Fifteen minutes was all it took.
Fifteen minutes to find her parents room, head into the dressing room, find the jewellery, rummage through the nightstands for cash, pocket everything and leave.
Fifteen minutes was all it took to fade out of her life.


I was woken by the sound of sirens, resounding through my open French window and footsteps echoing through the hall. I groaned in annoyance, turning around in my bed to sleep for a little longer. The breeze brushing my skin, as the sheets slid down in motion, reminded me of my nakedness and the events of the previous night. A smile formed on my lips and I blindly touched around my bed for Calum, more than ready to snuggle up against his side, but I didn’t feel anything.
I opened my eyes to find myself alone in my room, confusion forming a frown on my forehead. Lazily I got up and checked the ensuite bathroom, only to also realize his absence there. Putting on my dressing gown and making my way towards the hall, an uneasy feeling spread out in my stomach. I opened the door to my room and shock was written all in my face, at the presented sight.
Plenty detectives, obviously holders of the sirens and footsteps, were busily scurrying through my house.
Taking the first step out of my room, I collided with my mother.
“Y/N, there you are. Darling, what a sight you are. Please go and get dressed properly.” Internal she would have probably loved to turn up her nose at my appearance, but of course she’d never do something un-ladylike like that.
“As you wish, mother. What is the reason behind this turmoil?” I thought of Calum and how this version of me somehow seemed wrong on so many levels, since I met him.
“It is truly tragic. We were robbed tonight.” The still present frown on my forehead got deeper, my brows contracting. I was at a lack of understanding; how could somebody have robbed us tonight? “The detectives said there is no sign of forced entry. Darling, did you leave the entrance open or did you open it for anyone?” My mother’s interrogative look pierced into my eyes, while I brooded over the given information, and suddenly her face got blurry in front of my vison.
The curtain dropped. Now I got it.

He was gone…

He was gone.

And with him my naïve idea, that Calum Hood was loving me. 

If anybody makes it til down here, firstly I would like to thank you for reading this story and secondly I’d love to know your opinion whether positive or negative, both is fine x.:) 

carmilla-fanfiction-deactivated  asked:

I don't know if you are still taking prompts or not I just saw the other guys but here: Carmilla is a normal cat-shifting broody vampire and Laura is a prostitute with no place to call home.

I’m always taking prompts!

And I love this one, I did go a little more with homeless!Laura, with hints at prostitution, also Carmilla is less panther and more giant domestic cat.

Hope you like it!

(There is potentially a companion piece from Carmilla’s pov already in the works…)


The Adventures of Laura and Catmilla or, How Two Strays Found a Home.


The first time Laura sees the black cat, up close anyway, she’s sat huddled next to a dumpster trying desperately to stay warm. She’s seen the cat around before, quite a few times in fact, but most of the times it’s up on a roof or scampering away from people and traffic that fill the busy road. So, when she looks down to see a black ball of fur peeking out at her from its place under the dumpster she jumps, because that is one big cat.

She eyes it wearily for a moment, and can’t help but feel that the animal is considering her too which should make her feel a more than a little crazy. Except it’s cold and it’s late and she’s just grateful for any company, and right now she’s really grateful for non-human company.

“Hi Kitty,” Laura says as she tentatively reaches out her hand. She can’t help but chuckle a little at the voice in her head warning her against potentially disease infested stray cats because considering some of the things she’s had to do lately, rabies is kind of low on her list of concerns. “Are you cold too?”


Laura blinks but before she can contemplate the absurd idea that a cat kind of just answered her, the animal is creeping out from under the dumpster to sniff her hand. Laura smiles as she feels the wet nose against her cold fingers, and it’s not long before the cat is rubbing her head against Laura’s hand in a silent request for attention.

“No collar,” she says sadly as her fingers stoke soft fur, “I guess that makes us both strays, huh?

Laura sighs but before she can get too lost in her thoughts the cat has stealthily crawled into her lap and curled up against her, loud purrs vibrating through her chest and filling her body.  She decides then and there, for no particular reason, that the cat is a girl-cat.

“I’m going to call you Kitty,” Laura says, her words distorted by a loud yawn, that Kitty copies. “I’m Laura.”

 She knows it’s probably a bad idea to name something that will inevitably be gone in a matter of hours. But she also knows that for now, with the enormous ball of fluff taking residence in her lap that she’s surprisingly warm and for the first time in a long time, she feels safe.


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no caption 〜 如月いつ佳