The Hagfish Is the Slimy Sea Creature of Your Nightmares
The hagfish is a slime-emitting ocean-dweller that’s remained unchanged
for 300 million years–and it shows. It has a skull (but no spine),
velvet smooth skin, and a terrifying pit of a mouth that’s lined with
rows of razor-sharp teeth.
There is just something about prehistoric ages that is flat out terrifying. For some reason the days of yore were teeming with the most repulsive, frightening creatures ever culled from the worst nightmares of a thousand horror game devs. From 2.5-meters-long centipede Arthropleura to Parapuzosia, an ammonite that measured two meters across at least, the olden days were not user friendly to modern-day humans.
Now consider that all these horrifying fucks have died out - from the tiniest trilobite to the most enormous Godzilla-tier ground sloth. But some of them remained, unchanging despite millenia of geological and meteorological change patiently trying to fuck them over. They remained, watching, loathing. (Except for the velvet worms. Velvet worms are adorable.)
And we’re going to look at a prime example of this kind of terror today. Ladies and gentlesquids: the hagfish.
No, before you ask,
Eptatretus stoutii is not some kind of throwback nematodan worm that gets a kick out of living in whales’ guts. This is, against all odds, really a fish. It is, however, from a more ancient time, and thus doesn’t
know how to properly fish.
How ancient it is? Well, it still has no jaw.
Oh, you thought that big round opening on its head that definitely looks like a closable jaw is its mouth? Tough luck, slugger;that’s actually its nose. The mouth, on the other hand, is a horrid mix of the dreaded Vagina Dentata and sandpaper. Seriously, the lamprey has nothing on this shit.
Holy disturbing imagery, Batman!
but if you think this is the most disgusting thing about the hagfish, think a-fucking-gain. There’s yet more to come.
First of all, the hagfish is known for one of the most revolting, yet effective defense mechanisms in the animal world. If having an enormous vagina for a face wasn’t enough of an allusion to Hedorah already, it protects itself from the big asshole predators by flooding the surrounding water with shitloads of slime. And when I say shitloads, I mean shitloads.
These are things man was not meant to see
The hagfish’s slime is one of the best biofilaments in the entire world, being able to clog up state-of-the-art diving equipment and suffocate even the most pants-shittingly terrifying predatory animals that are more or less the Mega Evolutions of ordinary sea life. What’s even better, the hagfish can produce more or less infinite amounts of it, so if it wanted to drown human civilization in a tidal wave of slime and then feast on our souls for all eternity, it could have done it already, with relative ease.
Thankfully, it’s not interested in puny mortals. What it’s interested in is eating, eating, and then eating some more; it’s every chef’s dream client, if said chef has a stomach made of adamantium and thus he doesn’t vomit his stomach out at the way in which the hagfish eats.
This little slimy fuck is an opportunistic scavenger, which means that if it happens upon a sufficiently tasty-looking corpse, it will immediately dig in. Literally.
In order to eat, the hagfish first tears its way to the corpse’s innards. However, since it’s physically puny, it needs to boost its momentum… which it does by literally tying a knot onto itself.
After it breaks in, the hagfish nestles itself in the body cavity, and starts reenacting the Alien movies.
The hagfish will eat the corpse from the inside out, some parts with its eldritch, jawess mouth, but most of it with its bare skin. Oh, yeah, did I forget to mention the fact that they can eat through their skin? Silly me.
The news paper clippings on Snickets wall in the miserable mill, what do they all say?
Hello! I’ve broken them down just to make it easier to read:
Noted Scientist Dies of Snake Allergies- Dr Montgomery Montgomery Hated the Slimy Creatures:
There has been much speculation in the media this week as world renowned herpetologist Dr. Montgomery Montgomery was found dead in his Reptile Atrium in the late afternoon. Police and a coroner did confirm that he died from a snake bite that contained very deadly venom. It has been speculated that Montgomery died from snake allergies
… being allergic to the snake. It is due from the deadly venom that is injected by the snake and into the blood stream that causes death. Many believe that ‘allergies’ however he said if that was the case then everyone in the universe would then be ‘allergic’ to snakes. He claims many are confused by this and he isn’t sure why. The herpetologist refused to try and explain it
… investigating the fire even though they are sure it was nothing more than just a terrible fire leading to a series of unfortunate events for the children. It has been a short time since the Baudelaire’s parents tragically perished in a blazing fire that took their lives and also their home.
Veronica, Klyde and Susie still remain orphans. Mr Poe the husband of the great Eleanor Poe our Editor-In-Chief here at the Daily Punctilio is currently looking after the children till their closest living relative is found for them to live with. The children were seen standing in the ruins of their home. Sifting through ash and rubble looking for their belongings they can take with them on their new adventure as orphans. It looks like the children are trying to find reminders of their past life and parents.
Lakeside Home Destroyed- Authorities Blame Cabal of Real Estate Agents:
Reported by Special Correspondent Bo Wilch.
However we are finally not reporting about another house fire instead many are speculating that this disaster was much worse. Josephine Anwhistle and her house tore apart and crashed into the jagged cliff rocks below into Lake Lachrymose where the leeches were waiting and ate Josephine alive. Perishing in a fire would have been much better compared to being eaten alive by deadly leeches. She succumbed to the same death as her husband who also died by the leeches.
Again another caretaker of the Baudelaire children has died. Somehow these children seem to be in the middle of a series of unfortunate events. Many speculate that somehow Count Olaf is also involved, police have yet to confirm this. Josephine was an Aunt to the Baudelaire children and now she is a distant memory just like her house. Police have now started to investigate the children seeing as they are always involved in their guardians death. They keep insisting that Count Olaf is the one to kill their guardian in order to kill them in order to kill them in order to steal their fortune.
Perhaps the children killed their parents, killed Dr Montgomery Montgomery, and now killed their Aunt Josephine to protect their fortune from anyone trying to steal it.
Snicket, Author and Fugitive, Dead!
… And eventually turned to murder. Though there has not been enough evidence to support these claims police are more than sure like pretty sure it was Snicket.
… this afternoon” - Klyde.
“Our mother Beatrice has suggested we go to Briny Beach to enjoy the sunshine as if she knew we shouldn’t be in the house. I would never have thought that those would be our last words spoken to each other. I wish I could have hugged her for just a moment longer before letting go of her”- Veronica
We are not sure … Susie the children’s in a very exciting night has occurred at the Grand Theatre this evening. Count Olaf a local performer at the Grand Theatre staged the Marvelous Marriage. The play featured Count Omar as the Groom, Veronica as the bride, and some other folks as extras! What seemed to be a very boring play at the beginnign it sure sure turned out to be more exciting in the end in the final act, Count Locations where Snicket has been hiding out had been found with an alarming amount of research on the Baudelaire children. It is unclear at the time what his research…
Accident At Lucky Smells
One of Paltryville’s ctizen has gone missing inside Lumbermill believe to have been an accident
One of Paltryville’s citizen has gone missing inside the Lucky Smells Lumbermill detectives believe foul play may have been involved.
Due to circumstances surrounding the incident the victim’s name cannot be released at this time. Trouble in Paltryville began when three orphaned children Baudelaire showed up in town young may guessed it the Baudelaire children. After countless troubles with the children they were given an opportunity of a life time and were given the chance to work alongside Sir at world renowned Lucky Smells Lumbermill. Lucky Smells has received praise all around the world for the quality of lumber they supply and the outstanding customer service…
… Indeed if a snake killed him however another popular theory are the Baudelaire children were somehow involved.
They were later taken and given to their Aunt Josephine who also has perished due to her falling off a cliff she had lived on with her late husband that succumbed to the Lake Lachrymose leeches. as you can guess the…
So I suppose the real question is what don’t they say?
Pairing: BotW Zelink (Pregame)
@mewringo13 here you go kid! I’m doing these as fast as I can y'all.
“Research from the castle shows ingesting one of these can actually augment certain abilities! We wouldn’t be in a controlled environment out here, but with your level of physical fitness… you’d be a perfect candidate for the study!”
Link knew he was in for a ride when Zelda, holding out a small frog for him to see (and eat?) joyfully told him her idea. He felt queasy just looking at the slimy green creature, and it didn’t look too happy to see him either. But Link couldn’t help the way his heart drummed in his chest whenever the princess smiled. It wasn’t often she was joyous enough to outwardly show it, what with her demanding father and royal responsibilities. So Link felt almost obliged to cater to anything that made her happy.
She thrust the frog towards his face once again, closer this time.
“Go on,” she cried, “taste it!” The frog leaped in her hands, desperately trying to get away from the psycho princess. Link yelped and fell backwards onto his bottom. He looked at the princess, attempting to mask the absolute disgust he felt. Link smiled meekly.
“You… you want me to eat it?” Raw?“ Link asked, hoping to Hylia she’d say no.
“Well… I don’t want to watch you kill the little fellow… so just lick him. See if the taste does anything for you physically,” Zelda replied. Slowly and reluctantly, Link stuck out his hands, forming a little bowl for the from to sit in. Zelda leaned forward and dumped it in his hands. Link felt his stomach lurch when the frog’s damp skin met his. Zelda grabbed her shiekah slate from where it lay on the grass and quickly readied herself to take notes.
Link looked it in the eyes, his frightened demeanor reflecting back at him. His eyes met with Zelda’s once more and he was happy to at least bring her some joy, which was visible all over her face.
Link shut his eyes tight and stuck out his tongue. Bringing the frog close to his face, he mentally prepared himself and licked. Oh Hylia, now he knew why frogs weren’t commonplace food in Hyrule. It tasted like the word ‘moist’. Like a sweaty leaf. Like an alive swamp. Like a…
Link eyes shot open, slightly shocked from the peels of laughter Zelda was now emitting. The slate was on the ground and her hands were gathered up by her mouth as she tried to stifle herself. She eventually couldn’t restrain herself and let go, cackling like a mad woman as Link (and the frog) stared at her in disbelief. She leaned back, her face towards the sky and her hands balled up into fists, slamming up and down into the meat of her thigh. After a moment, Link recovered enough to put the frog down.
“Why are you laughing?!” He asked, not sure if he had done something wrong. Zelda came back down from cloud 9, wiping away tears from her face and trying to stop the last of her giggles.
“Because! Because I didn’t think you’d actually do it! I can’t believe the look on your face!” she cried, bursting into another fit of laughter. As she fell onto her back, absolutely losing it, Link couldn’t help but smile. Had it been disgusting and embarrassing? Yes. But, it was worth it to bring such a smile to his sweet princess’s face.
sat against the cave wall, your bag at your side and Thorin at your
other. You could not help but shiver as your clothing remained damp
from the endless rains and your heart had still not stopped racing
from your near death experience upon the stone giants. Your teeth
chattered against your will and Thorin grumbled beside you with
had once again tied your ankles back together although tonight you
would not be forced to be alone in his tent while he questioned you.
Instead, he had dragged you over to the far corner and dropped your
bag rather rudely beside you before he had laid down with his back to
the wall. His feet were right beside your leg and you remained
sitting up as it was much more comfortable than laying atop your
heard the subtle noise of light footsteps, almost discernible in the
cave and you spotted Bilbo’s small figure as he crept through the
night. If anything you could relate to the hairy-footed creatures; he
too was victim to Thorin’s loathing, though at least he was not bound
like a carcass. You listened intently at the hushed conversation he
was having with Bofur and you frowned; the hobbit should not let the
dwarf king get to him so. Though you could admit that was a hard
task; barely three days and you would jump at the chance to leave.
Had an idea last night re: Dash hosting a gelatinous, slimy creature that was also super-active. It loves to zoom around in his intestines and flip around inside his stomach and squirt and squish its way around his system super-loudly. Meanwhile, poor Dash can't figure out if his tummy is rumbling because he's hungry, queasy, or it's just the incubation doing gymnastics again.
Mmmmmmmmm this is good. I LOVE super loud belly noises too so this would be a PRIME situation for that. ;)))
I’ve been posting on Reddit all day talking about the lore of The Old Hunters now that a lot of players have had a chance to play through the DLC, and here’s my ideas on the lore so far, and the nature of the areas. Extreme spoilers below the cut.
Request: “Your blog is just
so amazing, it’s definitely my favorite 💙 I was wondering if you could do a Newt
imagine where the reader has really bad insomnia so he’s always trying
everything to get her to sleep at night and when she finally does he’s always
really careful to make sure nothing/no one wakes her up? Thank you so much!”
Pairing: Newt Scamander x Reader
Word Count: 1328
Newt placed a vial in front of you on the dinner table. It was
glowing slightly, and was a rich purple colour. You unplugged the stopper,
taking a whiff.
“What is this?” You mumbled in delight. It smelt of lavender.
“Sleeping Draught.” Newt replied with a mouth full of food.
You giggled, reaching over to wipe off the bit on sauce that had
smeared on the side of his lips.
“If this doesn’t work, then I don’t know what will.” He sighed,
taking your hands in his. “Drink this right before bed, and it should put you
straight to sleep.”
You nodded, standing with your empty plate, leaning down to place
a loving kiss on his cheek.
“You’re so sweet.”
“Anything for you, love.”
“What if it tastes bad?” You frowned, holding the vial up to your
“It’ll only be for a second, and I swear, you won’t even taste the
“Newt!” You slapped his arm gently. “That’s not helpful.”
“Sorry.” He chuckled, finding the situation quite amusing. “Come
on, you swallow my Flobberworm Mucus all
the time without a problem.”
“Newt!” You hit him once more with a laugh, his face going red as
he did the same.
When it came time for a science project, Paris settled on studying snails.
She enlisted her chef Kai Chase to help her find snails in the mansion’s backyard. The pair carried large flashlights and found several of the slimy creatures and prepared to bring them inside.
Jackson was waiting for them.
“At this point, I believed I was going to get fired,” Chase recalled.
The singer looked at the snails and had a different reaction — he helped make them a home.
He ended up putting them in jars with a bedding of moss in the bottom and tiny cocktail umbrellas to live under.
Other animals roaming through the home included a chocolate lab named Kenya, cats named Katie and Thriller, a rabbit and a talking bird who would “whistle when pretty girls go by,” Chase said.
Prince had a pet rat he carried around, while Paris would host tea parties in her backyard doll house for the animals. The dog would jump in the pool with the kids when they swam on Saturdays, Chase said.
The children would “run to him like lighting” when their father came home from a rehearsal,“ she said. "They would hang on him. It would bring tears to my eyes.”
Kai Chase’s court case testimony about family life at Michael Jackson’s house before he passed
Little Jekyll would probably share his candy with you
[peppermints, most likely] while rambling about how cool mad science is in his wee little Scottish accent.
Young Hyde couldn’t and shouldn’t exist bUT if he did he’d sneak out of his well off parents place all the time and pretend to be a street urchin, beats up kids twice his size, and constantly has some slimy creature or various insects in various pockets.
I can see Soma dropping a frog or some other slimy creature on Agni whenever he finds them, like "AGNI LOOK WHAT I FOUND-"
There’s a small zoo in Soma’s room of these creatures which Agni would dutifully care for each and every day. He often had to research some of them to make sure they were safe to keep, what they ate, etc.
The human soul is a madhouse of the grotesque. If a soul were able to reveal itself truthfully, if its shame and modesty didn’t run deeper than all its known and named ignominies, then it would be –as is said of truth –a well, but a sinister well full of murky echoes and inhabited by abhorrent creatures, slimy non-beings, lifeless slugs, the snot of subjectivity.