sliding trombone

Meanwhile in the Band Room at Any Given Moment: Band Senior, Sobbing About Something
  • band senior, sobbing: my last time empTYING MY SPIT ONTO THIS FLOOR
  • band senior, sobbing: my last time getTING STUCK WITH THE SHITTY STAND
  • band senior, sobbing: my last time lisTENING TO THE PERCUSSIONISTS GETTING SCREAMED AT FOR SETTING FIRE TO A BUNCH OF BROKEN REEDS
  • band senior, sobbing: my last time conSIDERING KILLING ALL THE TRUMPETS WITH A MALLET
  • band senior, sobbing: my last time beiNG WHACKED IN THE HEAD WITH A TROMBONE SLIDE
the orchestra, according to a pianist
  • this is coming from someone who's never played any orchestral instruments and is based entirely upon personal experience with people who play these instruments and listening to performances with these instruments
  • --------------------
  • flutes: I always hear you practicing but never see you outside of class or performances. words like "embouchure" come to mind, which makes me appreciate how relaxed my posture and breathing can be. compare to: when you're performing and can't slouch
  • piccolos: screechy fucking harbingers of death. compare to: bashing on the top notes of the piano as loud as possible to annoy people
  • clarinets: you complain about reeds breaking a lot, but you sound nice until you squeak. also Brahms clarinet sonatas YES. compare to: nice melodies in the middle of the piano
  • oboes: after seeing one of you with a knife, I am eternally scared of you. compare to: prepared piano where something buzzes a bit, except much nicer
  • bassoons: have always been nice to me and I haven't seen any of you with a knife yet. compare to: see oboe, except in lower range
  • french horns: always remind me of Beethoven concerto 5, I love you so much. compare to: when your instructor asks you to "make it warmer", nice things.
  • trumpets: please stop practicing outside of practice rooms; also, you're always dressed nicely. compare to: loud
  • trombones: the slide ruler in instrument form, most of you are nice to me. compare to: glissandi
  • tubas: how do you carry your instrument it's so heavy?! compare to: left hand
  • first violins: you think you're so good but can't play more than two notes at once HA. compare to: the right hand
  • second violins: see above, but much nicer. compare to: thumb of the right hand
  • violas: always asking to play the Brahms clarinet sonatas; sometimes are violists who weren't good enough to be second violin, in which case they're usually complaining about the alto clef. compare to: middle c
  • cellos: we're always asking you to play Brahms and Beethoven sonatas but that's only because they sound so great. also we want to be you. really. compare to: when you have a melody just below middle c and it sounds so good
  • basses: you're wonderful but need to be louder. also #relatable because it's difficult to carry your instrument around. compare to: left hand
  • percussion: you have to play like fifty different instruments and might actually practice more than us. #respect. compare to: prepared piano
  • piano: if you're here then it's either a modern piece or you're playing a concerto, in which case I commend you on memorizing that many notes and urge you to shove your score in violinists' faces (and you can also laugh and say that you get to sit while playing solo pieces!). compare to: the entire orchestra minus variety of timbres
Things that have actually happened in band

A drummer climbed into the ceiling in the band hall and then fell through it

A flute player left their flute at home when we were at a FAR away game, so they had to march and pretend to play a ‘flute’ that was actually a drumstick

We played Seven Nation Army as a warm up before a concert contest and then got three points added for creative warm up

Our band director duct taped our drumline captain’s legs together for yelling cuss words

A saxophone player slept in the storage area inside the bus on the way to a football game

Our entire drumline fell in a domino-like way due to a passing cat at the front of the line

When the band came to attention at a marching competition, a slide from a trombone went flying across the field because it wasn’t locked

the signs as weird shit my friends have documented me saying
  • aries: i fight for animal jam. ive fought for three long years in the vietnam war for animal jam, i still smell the napalm and hear the shells in the air, but i will fight for this game, and its endless war.
  • taurus: hey so i bought a turkey and cheese lunchable and karina says i have six months to live. do you think these events are related in any way
  • gemini: i may be asexual hut danny elfman can pound me raw anytime he wants
  • cancer: okay okay, buy me a red tshirt, and make it say "shitlord supreme" on the front, in pink glittery Japanese lettering
  • leo: mya nya nyasputin, glomper of the russian queen
  • virgo: shut the fuck up and put your fucking piece on the board! no, its not professor plum you stupid fuck, it was mrs white in the library with the rope!!! always!!! its a clue constant!!!!
  • libra: i got four more dragons! i got four more sickass fucking dragons!
  • scorpio: i think i hallucinated an entire episode of hannah montana where the first half was about florida real estate and the second half was oliver getting shot with rico's freeze ray and shoving hotdogs down his pants
  • sagittarius: listen to me. ive done the math, the calcumalations. i have determined through number science that gianna is, STATISTICALLY, four times more likely to be a furry than i am
  • capricorn: god. i gotta get with the trends and make a fucking slime video. i sound like dave strider. or gamzee. OR CALIBORN *bursts out laughing*
  • aquarius: *slaps the entire suit of diamonds on the table during a game of bs* YOU HAVE JUST ACTIVATED MY TRAP CARD!
  • pisces: im gonna play a song "if its space jam again you arent waking up tomorrow morning" im no longer playing a song
  • BONUS
  • john: hey so i convinced amelia in programming to let me name our robot "karkat"
  • rose: aidan soon finds the stage manager's headset colliding with his skull at high velocity
  • dave: you are not in the marching band until you've been whacked upside the head with JD's trombone slide. its one of many obscure hazing rituals
  • jade: lockers are equivalent to crystal amazonian meth thats been genetically modified to look like fanciful bird statues
Beginner Musician Guide: Instrument Names
  • Flute: Fruit
  • Oboe: Oblow
  • Clarinet: Squidward
  • Saxophone: Sax
  • Alto saxophone: Tall sax
  • Tenor saxophone: Ten saxes
  • Baritone Saxophone: Berry Sax
  • Bassoon: Bass soon
  • Trumpet: House pet
  • French horn: Drunk trumpet
  • Trombone: Slide trumpet
  • Tuba: Giant trumpet
  • Euphonium/Baritone: Mini tuba
  • Percussion: Concussion
Unnecessary musical things

Aries: the Pocket Trumpet

Taurus: recorders

Gemini: Country music

Cancer: ITALIAN WORDS YOU DON’T KNOW EVERYWHERE

Leo: being in a practice room with someone reaaaal sketch

Virgo: moldy reeds

Libra: Triple flats

Scorpio: sketchy slide oil stains

Sagittarius: Valve Trombone

Capricorn:  that one soprano I who won’t shut up about the fact that she’s soprano 1

Aquarius: squeaking woodwinds

Pisces: that screaming sound effect on keyboards

anonymous asked:

True hell is getting hit in the back of the neck really hard by a trombone slide during The Big Concert™ causing you to hit the person next to you in the mouth with the butt of your flute while also making a REALLY LOUD CLANG when their foot almost know is the stand over and somehow you have to play the whole thing off. (I've also passed out during a chorus concert and knocked someone over twice if you count elementary school idk why my music program keeps me)

I’m really concerned for the wind section

Orchestra according to a Violin
  • Flute: Pretty, competitive and bitchy...the violins of the woodwind section.
  • Oboe: We love you but why do you get so many solos? We will steal them off IMSLP when we get home dw. Also how can you get away with going on your phone in rehearsal? We're jealous.
  • Cor Anglais: Large duck, pretty chill and nice sound. You don't play enough for us to be jealous.
  • Clarinet: Yuck. ANnoyinG. Why do you never shut up. Please stay in the lower register, we're begging you no squeaking ear-splitting high notes.
  • Bass Clarinet: Yes please. The only acceptable clarinet. Nice low notes...when we don't drown you out.
  • Bassoon: We can't hear you even when you have a solo you're barely audible. Pretty awkward creatures.
  • French Horn: Either incapable of even playing the right notes or a perfect god shining over the rest of the orchestra. Lovely when you play chords together ahhhhh. Lots of majestic solos to steal.
  • Trumpet: SHHHHHHHHHHH! Why are you SO LOUD. One of you can drown a lot of us out so we're not impressed. Luckily you have lots of rests. Your egos are mahoosive and we don't understand why. Usually got a jokester in there though which makes rehearsals more enjoyable.
  • Trombone: Weeeeeeoooooooh. Slides sound fun and pretty triumphant when you come in loud. Seems boring for you guys in rehearsal tho.. sux 4 u.
  • Tuba: Why do you even come? How are you not bored out of your mind? We get bored sometimes and we play constantly and get tunes? Mysterious people not to be trusted.
  • Percussion: Yikes. Have fun counting back there.
  • Violin 1: Goals. Contains the leader of the orchestra which automatically means we are the most important section. The further back you get in deskings the smaller the egos but the saltier the people. Still don't get enough tunes or solos.
  • Violin 2: Rejects. The back of the seconds is a dark place. The front desk is good the rest of the section is a mess. Gets sweet low tunes supporting 1st violins. We hate the first violins.
  • Viola: Actually sound really good when they can play well...which is very rare. Incoming viola jokes lol.
  • Cello: We love you. Although maybe not when you play on the A string. Full of beautiful girls but also a few complete weirdos often hide in the cello section so watch out.
  • Double Bass: Very good to stare at. Don't think we've ever heard you either tbh. Is constant pizz and crotchets really fun for you??
  • Harp: Not really important here tbh. Very pretty though. Plink plink remember to bring a book to rehearsal while the other string instruments are practicing lmao.
  • Piano: Why does everyone play you. We treasure you if you're good accompanists you're literally our angels. However if you fuck up and put us off in a performance we will be giving you a dirty look to let the audience know it wasn't us.
The Instruments When It Starts Raining At Marching Band Rehearsal
  • trumpets: all riiiiiiiight hahahaha *high five*
  • mellophones: what the fuck. fuck. what the. hte fuck. fcku. what. what the fuck.
  • clarinets: my reeeeeeeeeeeeed
  • alto sax: omg u guys!!!!!!! rain is so funnnnn!!!!!!
  • tenor and bari sax: why the fuck is there water coming from the sky
  • trombone: FILLS SLIDE UP WITH WATER AND SPRAYS IT OUT THE SPIT VALVE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY
  • baritones: let's perfect our technique using the slippery ground as a challenge we can all benefit from this!
  • flutes: RUN AWAYYYY
  • tubas: rain
the band's inner monologue: christmas break edition
  • section leaders: tHEY BETTER PRACTICE OVER BREAK
  • french horn: *heated debate about who is the best reindeer*
  • tuba: *debates taking instrument home for 5 days, decides fuck it*
  • euphonium: *sits silently judging the rest of band*
  • flute: im just going to play zelda songs today
  • trumpet: why is there a candy cane in my case
  • trombone: if i dont find where you hid my slide before christmas i swear
  • piccolo: *debates giving the trombone's slide back*
  • saxophone: *jazz solo occasionally interrupted by random band room chaos*
  • clarinet: if i don't practice, it was my reed's fault
  • percussion: let's hide someone's instrument in the bathrooms
  • baritone: if anyone wants to know how to covertly unwrap and rewrap your presents i'm here
  • band director: tHEY BETTER PRACTICE OVER BREAK